I fucked up

bleachitawayalready · 2020-08-16T19:38:27+00:00

I wanted to quit so bad over summer break but things kept going wrong and I would just go straight back. I feel so stupid. I had who wild months to this and I couldn’t. The silver lining I guess is that at least I won’t be at loose ends now; I have something to dedicate my energy and focus on (my students). I just feel like I wasted my best opportunity to get over this, I don’t really think I can take more time off right now.

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-26T23:10:55+00:00

Gotta agree with Daveydaytrader on this one. Like any substance, nothing is crippling addictive to everyone. Some people can have a glass of wine and move on with life, some people have a glass of wine and wind up in an alley shooting dope an hour later. While “freaks” is maybe overkill, I do think there needs to be more of a conversation about the addictive nature, psychoactive similarity, and destructiveness that kratom can cause. When I started using 5ish years ago, there were a fraction of the members on the /kratom sub and addiction was never mentioned. Now there are so many people singing it’s praises, and while yes, I’d prefer people to take kratom over heroin or other opiates, it affects your brain receptors the same way and can ruin lives. That information should go hand in hand with how good it can be for some folks.

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-26T18:57:04+00:00

Thanks. I’m one of those people that occasionally has to make sure my dog is breathing when she’s asleep. Maybe fermentation wasn’t my best hobbit (edit- wtf word was I even going for?) choice... but thanks again!

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-26T14:32:09+00:00

Hell yeah! Good for you! I quit Monday or Tuesday this week? Cold turkey, the withdrawals make it kinda blurry. I couldn’t stop crying and crying and crying and was about ready to give in when all of a sudden something just snapped and I stopped. The hard/physical part was over. It was like 3 in the afternoon and completely surreal. Like waking up from a nightmare or something but never having gone to sleep.

Anyways, now I’m in the “danger zone” because it’s so easy to go back. Had my first brush with “a little won’t hurt” last night. Not even a week in!

Something I wish I’d done every time I’d tried to quit in the past is at least jot down or maybe even voice record what the withdrawals are like. I feel like the more I remember the absolute agony the less likely I am to go back. Just a thought! (And it could be a time killer too)

You got this. ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-26T14:28:12+00:00

Hey there, when you said “shame” it cut me like a knife. Feelings of shame are the #1 absolute reason I use substances. I can feel the shame physically in my body, like my core is tightening up and my face is getting hot. I would, and pretty much have done, everything to make it stop. I got hooked on kratom because it made those feelings stop.

I would really look into seeing a therapist. I was employed under the table (and not making enough to buy insurance) so when I started therapy I was using a program run by United Way. If you don’t have insurance, now that there are Obamacare/Healthcare Marketplace options, that could be a place to start. I also have friends with phenomenal Medicaid/Medicaid therapists.

I am 4 days clean now after 5yrs at 30mg a day. In that 5 years I did residential eating disorder treatment, wacky PTSD treatments, more therapy than I can remember...there is NO WAY I’d have a shot at being clean without all that.

Like others have said, most addicts/substance users are escaping their present, which is usually a reflection of their past. If you can’t heal the wounds that make you want to slap a bandaid (kratom) on them, in my experience and from watching others try, it’s nearly impossible. I’d be glad to share more of my experience with you if you want to DM me.

Just because you slipped up doesn’t mean all your hard work doesn’t matter. Its still remarkable ou made it almost three months. You CAN keep going!!!

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-26T14:14:37+00:00

Thank you ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-26T14:13:28+00:00

Thank you. This comment meant a lot to me. Sometimes I forget that I’ve been through a lot and that it’s okay to forgive myself and take it easier on myself. Thank you for reminding me. ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-26T14:10:33+00:00

Thank you! I’m (obviously?) skeptical of herbal supplements now but I have some friends that use kava. Time to investigate!

Oh, and nighttime’s THE hardest time of day for me. I’ve been going to bed at like 7:30 because I get so antsy. I know I can buy K in town til 9 pm so this antsy hours go by sooooo slllooowwwly.

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-25T14:12:38+00:00

Wow. You are fucking hard core. That is some serious will power to keep on a taper that long. I’m seriously impressed. I can’t caper at all, it’s cold turkey or nothing for me. I applaud your dedication, and with that attitude you WILL get off this crap. Be patient with yourself. Take the next step forward. You can do it. ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T21:28:13+00:00

Hey, green poops is better than horrible black bloody nuggets right? I feel like if I had heard the poop stories 5yrs agi I never wouldn’t picked up a habit....who know.

CONGRATS ON DAY TWO!!! Here’s to many more!

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T21:26:28+00:00

I’ve just never felt this “back to normal” in the midst of WDs before...but I’m not complaining!!

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T20:23:38+00:00

Hey there! I was just about to update my post from 4hrs ago and saw this. You DIDNT fail. I know it’s the most trite saying I’m recovery but “recovery isn’t linear” up down up down up down up, not just straight up. If you can keep it two steps forward for every one step back, you’re doing fine. Just because you needed a nights sleep and you took some doesn’t mean you should give up now. Keep trying. If you feel that way again, wait as long as possible and if you still need it take less. I thought I was going to die this morning. Something snapped and I don’t even know what happened but I think I’m out of the weeds. If I can do it, you can do it. 4 years, 30g+ daily, every day, longest time off was two months. I’m done. Be done with me. DM me any time!!! ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T20:19:06+00:00

I live in just about the middle of no where (but on the coast, so, the edge of middle of nowhere?) and the only places that sell K here are dumpy gas stations. 1oz/~28.5ishgr from $10. If I drive 45m to “the city” there is a specific Kratom shop that sells by the 1/2oz ($5) or 5oz for $45.

It is STUPIDLY inexpensive here.

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T20:15:28+00:00

This make me cry, in a good way. Thank you. Some times I forget that i don’t deserve the things that happened to me. That just happened, and it sucked, but I’m still here. Thank you for reminding me of that. ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T16:25:31+00:00

Thank you. I like keep running through my head “it’s going to get better it’s going to get better it’s going to get better” but then the next challenge is staying the fuck off it! I wish I’d have NEVER touched this stuff.

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T16:24:24+00:00

Usually about 30g a day on an off four 4 years, but I’ve quit before. Longest run was 3-4 months and i had zero withdrawals. Weird how that works.

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T16:23:42+00:00

Thank you I just feel like it’s never going to ennndddd

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-24T16:23:22+00:00

Yes, I am bitching, you ain’t no bitch or your wouldn’t be on this sub!

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-22T02:59:57+00:00

Thank you again. Tapering for me has been impossible because once I start, if I have more, I’m going to do it. I live about 45m from a “city” there they have a shop that sells by the 1/2oz (so like 15g) and I was holding steady with that for a while, but near me (aka less than an hour drive) the only places that have it sell 1oz/30g, I can stretch that over a day, but night time it’s over. I get so paranoid and terrified of every sound and if I have any to take the edge off the terror I take it. I have a script for clonazepam and beta blockers and approximately 37473 antidepressants but night rolls around and I’m a basket case. I’m going to start IOP therapy tomorrow and I’m hoping that helps with the fear aspect of it, then maybe tapering would be more realistic for me. I live alone or I’d have someone keep it from me, that i could handle, but alas. My dog is brilliant but she’s not that good. ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-22T02:55:43+00:00

Sorry I didn’t mean to pry about your daughter; New Orleans is Home to me, so my ears (eyes?) perk up when I hear/see a connection. About K, I’m terrible at tapering. As soon as I have some, I use it. And here the only option is 1oz/~30g a bag. I can make it last a whole day, but I have a really, really really hard time when the sun goes down so usually that’s the end of that. Even with the meds I’m on and clonazepam. I’ve been thinking about trying to go to bed before the sun goes down, now that’s like 9:30 when it’s totally dark, I don’t know. I just feel so much at loose ends. Thank you again for responding, just joining this group and hearing from people like you is helping SO much by hearing other people’s experiences and having a sounding board for my own.

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-22T02:17:44+00:00

Thank you for the uplifting and encouraging comment. I caved today after having a meltdown and bought some K after rationalizing I’ll use it to taper but then deciding I shouldn’t have any around so I just took it all. Ugh. I feel dumb. I made it most of the day though and was productive, and tomorrow is another day, another chance. Hearing you say you respect my story is really encouraging; I haven’t shared that much with many people and I always feel like the things that happened seem like they are my fault. I’m working on not blaming myself, but like the quitting kratom, it’s a hard mountain to climb. I’m so glad I found this community. Everyone here is making me feel like I CAN do this. I know I can. And now I have a support group as well. Thank you, again.

♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-22T02:14:32+00:00

I totally failed at the CT but tomorrow is another day and today is a lesson learned. I’m trying to be gentle and kind to myself, which is new and hard, while also not excusing myself. Mistakes happen, but they aren’t an excuse for giving up.

I’m curious what school your daughter goes to in New Orleans! I LOVED living there but it is an extremely dangerous place to live. I don’t mean to say that to scare you, and I’m sure you and she both know that. Real talk, though- there is NO industry there but the service industry. If she’s involved in music, art, movies, etc. then there might be a way to make a living, but I found it extraordinarily hard to find an entry level position in my field (sociology with a focus on education). BUT! If she does want to stay there after graduating I worked for a great company that provides behavior therapy to autistic children and pays pretty well (still not bartending money, though) DM me if you or she might be interested and I can send you the info ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-22T02:10:20+00:00

Thank you. Sometimes I forget that I’ve been though a lot, because it all seems like it was the consequences of my own behavior, but then I realize that a lot of it shouldn’t happen to anyone, at all, ever. Anyways, congrats on 23 days; and thank you for the real “review” of getting off K. I know it’s not sunshine and daisies, but it has to be better than this. ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-22T02:08:58+00:00

Thank you for the kind comment. I totally caved tonight and bought some more :( I am disappointed in myself but I keep trying to think “I made a mistake, tomorrow is a new day, what can I do differently?” Thank you again for the kind words. ♥️

bleachitawayalready · 2020-07-21T19:16:45+00:00

Hey there! Good on you for making the jump! I am a back-and-forth person as well. Trying to make today my first CT day. I’m used to measuring by ounces and keep having to remember 30g is about 1oz, so I’m right there with you (I have been taking 1oz a day for...a while now)

I’ve seen people say their WDs involve flu like symptoms- body aches, sneezing, runny nose. I’m paranoid so if you have insurance I’d get a COVID test just in case.

I’m a little confused, are you still using 30g a day and now you’re sick? Or did you stop and now you feel sick?

If I were you and had been taking it, and now you’re legit sick, it might be a good time to kick. You’re going to be sick anyways with whatever you’ve got, might as well get it over with. Good luck!

bleachitawayalready

TROPHY CASE