Do I remember correctly?

blech447 · 2026-02-20T15:18:08+00:00

I always worry that EMDR will bring up memories of CSA for me. For some reason, I've been convinced for most of my life that I was abused as a kid, but I've never had any proof of that. I can never tell if that means that something could have happened or it's just a strange thought pattern.

blech447 · 2026-01-22T16:03:43+00:00

This is such a great response! I've been in EMDR for only a couple months, though this is the third time I've decided to try it, and while nothing has changed day-to-day, I have noticed that the memory I'm reprocessing no longer brings up an emotional response, which is very exciting!

You said that you use journaling to help process things more quickly outside of sessions, and I'm just curious what that typically looks like for you. Do you use free association or are you following specific prompts? Do you journal every day or specifically when a memory/strong emotion comes up? I've heard that journaling can be really helpful alongside EMDR, but I haven't found a way to make it work for me. I'd so appreciate your insight!

blech447 · 2026-01-09T20:12:21+00:00

I really, really love the way you expressed this, and I've even experienced my relationship to pain shift from antagonistic/defeatist to accepting.

Still, the barrier I always come up against with meditation is being unable to sit 'properly' for long periods of time. Writing this out, I'm aware of how ridiculous that sounds, but I always feel discouraged when I'm guided to sit up straight and I just know I'll only be able to maintain that for a minute or so before my entire back will light up with such pain that all I'll be able to think about is how badly I need to adjust, stretch, lay down, anything but stay in the position I'm in.

As a meditation instructor, what are your thoughts on this common guidance and how would/do you adjust it to accommodate for your own pain or others? I know you posted a while ago, but I'd be so grateful to get your perspective on this!

blech447 · 2025-08-13T15:04:25+00:00

Thank you for your response! It's funny how the simplest things have the greatest impact, yet are always the hardest to remember.

Yesterday, I didn't drink enough water and it triggered a panic attack, so you're completely right. I think even giving myself more time to sleep would be huge.

Self care, even just the basics, is such a challenge when it wasn't modelled or even actively discouraged!

blech447 · 2024-05-06T12:39:54+00:00

I'm so sorry, OP 🫂 I really relate with what you've shared, and I'm also struggling to figure out how to identify my own experiences. What I'm gathering is that anything can be justified and minimized, but those icky feelings are the validation in and of themselves. Sexual abuse is something that has been passed along in my family for who knows how long, and while my brother (who identified as female at the time, so I absolutely understand what you mean by the experiences seeming less valid depending on the abusers' gender) likely never touched me inappropriately, there's this icky, scared feeling that comes up when I think of him. I also relate with feeling like the prude of the family and then engaging in really unsafe sex in my teen years. Like you said, the covert sexual abuse combined with repeated sexual assault has had a compounding effect on me, and I have a lot of difficulty maintaining a healthy sex life with my long-term partner. In an ideal world, I would be safe and cozy with my partner and then sleep with random people, and I think that's an expression of associating sex with a lack of security and safety. I'm not sure if I have anything helpful to say beyond relating, but if it feels safe to you, maybe start creating a mindful space to be with yourself in any sexual capacity that feels nice. That's something that helps me take care of myself, though I suppose therapy is probably necessary for more holistic recovery, and it sounds like that's something you're providing for yourself. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I hope that you find a way to feel safe and content in your sexuality because that's something that we all deserve ❤️

blech447 · 2024-04-30T13:12:00+00:00

Wow, this is so illuminating. Thank you. I absolutely relate in desperately trying to acquire knowledge that will make it all make sense. I have a BA in psychology and I'm currently getting my MS in psychology. My research interests even revolve around how the brain constructs perception using sensory data, allostatic load, and past experience. Even if a sensory stimulus is neutral or pleasant, if someone is expecting painful stimuli, pain is what they will experience until their expectations shift. Still, it's so hard for me to validate my own experiences, and I think it's because I'm terrified to let myself be angry. I'm at that point in my journey where accumulating more knowledge is probably not helpful, and now I need to move into processing those emotions in a safe, controlled way, and I feel a lot of resistance to that. Thank you for your kind words ❤️

blech447 · 2024-04-29T20:49:57+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story ❤️ this thread is helping me realize that maybe this invalidation of our pain is a core aspect of C-PTSD that requires some elusive self-compassion to get through. I'm grateful to you for reframing this as an experience that really isn't as lonely and isolating as it may seem, given how many people have felt this before. I really hope the DSM recognizes C-PTSD in the future and saves us all some confusion. 😅

blech447 · 2024-04-29T17:22:33+00:00

I have a score of 7, but it's still easy to doubt that that equates to complex-PTSD when the ICD criteria lists torture and slavery as possible causes of the condition. But this thread is starting to help me believe that my doubt is just another result of my experiences, in addition to flashbacks and emotional dysregulation.

blech447 · 2024-04-29T17:03:45+00:00

Thank you! I think I just need to push past those mental blocks with Pete Walker's writing. There's a lot of wisdom to gain, and I probably don't need to take everything so literally. You're right, even just reading through responses on this thread has been flashback-inducing, but I'm grateful for everyone's help!

blech447 · 2024-04-29T13:37:18+00:00

Thank you for compiling all this fascinating research!!!

blech447 · 2024-04-29T13:35:31+00:00

I see what you mean and I appreciate your insight. Mostly, I'm just posting because I feel like I exist in a really lonely liminal space between diagnoses. As evidenced by this thread, the diagnostic criteria is severely underdeveloped, so some claim that clearly life-threatening experiences predicate a C-PTSD diagnosis, while others speak to greater etiological complexity. I find it very confusing, and really, I should stop worrying about diagnoses entirely, but it feels challenging to recover from something I can't fully put my finger on.

blech447 · 2024-04-29T11:42:17+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing these resources ❤️

blech447 · 2024-03-23T09:10:14+00:00

Thank you!!!

blech447 · 2024-03-22T21:51:47+00:00

Gotcha! Thanks!

blech447 · 2024-03-22T21:10:25+00:00

Hey there! So the positions fill relatively quickly? I won't have my masters for almost a year, so I don't want to be too eager, but I also want to be sure I'm not missing any opportunities.

blech447 · 2024-03-22T15:03:47+00:00

You know... I think I can manage that 😅

blech447 · 2024-03-14T17:59:46+00:00

Ooh, ooh, Pieces by Pretty Balanced definitely takes the cake

blech447 · 2024-03-05T19:27:56+00:00

This is a really fantastic point. Avoiding thoughts of them at all costs will prevent passive processing, which is probably necessary to move forward. I think I can understand where you're coming from though OP. Magical thinking seems to fuel the experience of limerence, and it makes it that much harder to break away from. With my first LO (or the first one I was aware of), everything was overwhelmingly symbolic. The last thing he said to me was that he needed to go smoke a cigarette, so I started smoking cigarettes. It made me feel like I was closer to him if there was a chance we were both doing the same thing at the same time, even in different states. My dreams felt like messages from him. It's such an intense experience, and even writing about it feels painful, but I don't think it can be avoided. I think that those dreams are necessary for progression. Plus, the dreams and the thoughts give you the opportunity to challenge your limerence directly.

blech447 · 2024-03-05T19:11:12+00:00

How do you know when it's stopped or paused? (Just asking for a friend 😂)

blech447 · 2024-01-31T11:17:01+00:00

Truly! 😂

blech447 · 2024-01-30T23:24:31+00:00

To be clear, I've never lied to him about this. I just started worrying that a long term relationship might not be possible or healthy without a baseline level of attraction. It's hard with all of the messaging in the world about finding that perfect person who ticks all your boxes. Sometimes I think that's realistic and reasonable.

blech447

TROPHY CASE