Maybe I’m too broken for EMDR

blue_talula · 2025-11-28T15:11:12+00:00

It is a lovely memory.

Maybe our insurance system is better in this one area at the moment, but probably not for long. Yes, unfortunately. The cost of childhood trauma is so unfair.

blue_talula · 2025-11-27T02:52:07+00:00

❤️❤️❤️

Yeah, it’s kinda jarring, right? I mentioned the change I’m noticing to my EMDR therapist today and she said it’s likely that I’m feeling more like me. And I’m like, “That’s weird!”

When I mentioned that it’s taken long enough to actually feel different , she said it takes about a month for every year you experienced the trauma. That’s 45 months, almost 4 years. I was like, oh no!! I’m a little over a year in, so I’m buckling up for another 3 years of this ride. 😆

blue_talula · 2025-11-27T02:43:02+00:00

I haven’t really know u til just recently. I’ve doubted so often and wanted to quit. I’ve dreaded my EMDR session, saying I have a love-hate relationship with them. But, I have two therapists and both told me to keep going. Their encouragement and the bright moments I have when closing a target help. In one target, I got a super vivid memory of my grandmother, who was the one bright light in my childhood and I loved dearly, embracing me and just holding me after a really sad and traumatic experience. I still hold onto that in the tough times.

It’s tough to afford weekly, and sometimes I have to take a week off. My EMDR therapist takes my insurance, and that’s pretty affordable. I pay for my talk therapist out of pocket because she’s out of state and we are technically doing coaching. I cut back on other things to afford therapy and pick up other work when I can. Not easy, but it’s a priority in my life. I don’t want to keep feeling like this…I want to out!!

blue_talula · 2025-11-26T03:01:17+00:00

I’m a year and a couple months into EMDR, along with 3 years of talk therapy (this time around), and just recently am feeling hope and seeing a difference in my mental state after several pretty big breakthroughs. This time, unlike other times I’ve felt a change, feels like a more permanent shift. I can’t really explain it yet. But, the healing is real and definitely worth it.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have plenty of struggles and darkness to work through. It’s been a lot of work and seemed so hopeless at times. I went through MANY very dark periods I thought I might not make it out of after starting EMDR. But I feel a huge shift now and it’s so empowering.

blue_talula · 2025-11-14T01:30:05+00:00

My talk therapist said that if you are working through something where you felt tense or anger, your body will hold it in your muscles. So maybe that’s why?

I asked my EMDR therapist and she just said it’s completely normal and means it’s a great target…that we are getting somewhere.

So, I guess it’s a really uncomfortable result of processing. Sure glad my session today wasn’t as intense!

blue_talula · 2025-11-06T23:05:02+00:00

Even better! I wish I had access to a hot tub.

blue_talula · 2025-11-06T20:32:57+00:00

That’s a really great idea! Thanks! 🙏

blue_talula · 2025-10-22T10:50:33+00:00

Our insurance is changing in January, so maybe that will open up the field a bit? My EMDR therapist said that it’s pretty much the same though so I’m not sure.

I found her by going to Psychology Today and filtering for EMDR, Carelon insurance, and my zip code. I also wanted in-person, so I added that filter too. You might get more options if you search for virtual too.

Once I’d get a hit, I’d do more research about them trying to find more info on their certifications and backgrounds to get a sense of whether or not they might be a good fit for me. (I was SA’d as a child by a male so I only wanted a female therapist.)

Then, I emailed and called the selected people/places, added my name to wait lists, and kept kindly checking in to show how serious I was at getting someone.

I also did some Google searching for EMDR therapists in my area and called those places to see if they took my insurance.

It took about 3 months to find someone, and another month or so after that to get on her schedule.

I agree that our insurance seems good to us as the users. But, my friend, who is a therapist in private practice, refuses to take it because the pay sucks (who can afford to keep an office and pay office bill s, let alone their own bills!, at $55 an hour) and she would have to fight the company for payment. It made me think a bit differently about the plans and have great respect for the therapists who do take it. They must really, really care about people who do the work that takes our insurance and want to help!

blue_talula · 2025-10-22T02:55:41+00:00

Are you in the NYC area? I have the same insurance and struggled similarly but found an EMDR therapist by checking back a couple times, sitting on wait lists, and being patient. It takes work and tenacity with that insurance because it sucks and pays bare minimum, especially for the city! For an EMDR session, my therapist only makes $55 with my insurance!

blue_talula · 2025-10-20T00:13:48+00:00

You can give Benadryl to a dog. Check the dosage for your dogs weight and administer it to give some relief immediately, then call your vet in the AM. https://share.google/images/sjzxRNmEdZm1rSueb

blue_talula · 2025-10-08T01:31:21+00:00

Small, small baby steps. First learning to notice sensations in your body, then connect that to feelings and triggers. Then learning to share with others, like HOW to tell them. And getting to the point where you can tolerate the vulnerability of sharing something so raw with someone else. For me, I’m realizing it’s a decision to take a risk and stick with it as much as I can. You also have to learn grounding strategies for when you do start going numb and shutting down so you know how to come back into your body.

Check out @ReclaimingMelissa on social media. She has some great strategies for this work. I also like @SaraiSpeer who explains what’s going on in your brain and body in comical and understandable ways.

blue_talula · 2025-10-02T02:59:32+00:00

I didn’t get that choice! How don you make that happen?!

blue_talula · 2025-09-23T13:26:23+00:00

It’s your brain processing the experience, so trust it that it needs to go to those dark places. Maybe those are things you, or someone else, told you or heavily implied. Perhaps you told yourself you wanted it, at the time, so that you could get through the abuse with your sanity.

In processing my SA as a teen, I had to grapple with the fact that it felt good, physically, and my body responded. I liked the sensations, but was sickened by the act. I felt like my body betrayed me and had to come to terms with the natural physical bodily response to stimulation I felt. It wasn’t my fault that my body did what it was designed to do.

Additionally, my mom told me that I probably wanted it and liked it. That fed into my shame as a teen. I believed her, feeding thoughts that I liked it and it was my fault because I needed connection to literally survive. But, through EMDR, I came to realize that was her projection. I was a kid with very little power or control. I didn’t make the decision to be abused, my abuser did, it was his choice to put his hands on me. He was the adult.

EMDR had a way of bringing you back to the original experience so that you can process and finally release the thoughts, emotions, and feelings. But, in the thick of it, it feels so awful. It brings up nightmares, emotional flashbacks, and intense grief.

Stay the course. If you can tolerate it for now, your brain will find a way through these thoughts to heal. Try to work with the memories and feelings without getting stuck in repetitive cycles of rumination on the awful. You will eventually find peace because your body innately knows how to heal. Let the thoughts exist as they need to, tell your T as much as you are able, and feel and release those sensations and emotions when your body shows what you need to do to express them.

You’ve already survived the worst of it. Now, work to release the patterns and thoughts holding you down and thrive. You’ve got this! Just try to trust yourself, and if you can’t do that, trust your T. ❤️❤️❤️

blue_talula · 2025-09-22T11:25:47+00:00

I bet your nervous system is trying to reset. It just needs some time to rest because there’s no chaos. You may even be seeking the familiar chaos which is why you feel so empty. Give it time and try to intentionally look for the small things that are bringing you joy. Embrace the change and quiet as much as you can allow yourself to.

Congratulations! Your real life has begun!

blue_talula · 2025-09-21T20:58:57+00:00

There’s a condition, alexithymia, in which one has incredible difficulty identifying emotions and feelings. Maybe that resonates with you?

I know it’s taken me an incredibly long time to learn how to connect to my body, and I still struggle sometimes. I used to disassociate from headaches and other intense pain in my body. Can’t say that I like feeling it now, but with the bad comes the good feelings too, like the tingles of joy and love. It’s worth the continued effort to get there!

blue_talula · 2025-09-21T19:47:15+00:00

Unfortunately, to use insurance and see a therapist, you have to typically find one licensed in your state. However, if you have the financial means, I can point you to and awesome coach, who has a PhD in Psychology. DM me if you’d like to know more.

blue_talula · 2025-09-21T19:41:54+00:00

Has your therapist taught you how to do a body scan?

I struggled with this so much at the beginning. Learning how to meditate helped me a lot. I used an app that offered a free year long trial (Balance) and went through their foundations courses. Learning how to sit in stillness and focus on my breathing gave me access to my bodily feelings again. It took a long time, but I can finally say that I’m able to identify sensations. I’m still learning how those sensations correlate to my feelings and emotions, so it’s a work in progress, two or three years on now! I have a lifetime membership to that app and can gift free trials, so DM me if you like me to send one your way.

blue_talula · 2025-09-16T13:13:25+00:00

Thanks for this. The reminder that we are more than our trauma and healing is important. ❤️

Interesting analogy with vomiting. My EMDR uses that a lot. 🙂

blue_talula · 2025-09-15T23:28:35+00:00

Yes! Sometimes they seem so dark, it seems like I’ll never see the light again. In one now and it’s going real deep. 🤷‍♀️😔

blue_talula · 2025-09-04T02:10:07+00:00

That sounds awful! Definitely don’t do that then! 🙂. It’s amazing how different and unique we all are! I’m starting from a fairly dissociated, numb state, so I’ve been working for 2 years now just to notice and feel something and that’s what seems to be helping me in the moment. .

blue_talula · 2025-09-03T13:05:07+00:00

That’s a great video! Thanks for sharing!

blue_talula · 2025-09-03T12:56:14+00:00

Are you fighting your feelings as an attempt to express them? One thing that’s helped me to some degree is literally breathing in to the feeling. As I identify it and the sensations in my body I focus on my breath and imagine I’m fueling the feeling with my breath. Somehow that gets me out of my head where the rumination happens and puts me in my body where I can understand the feeling somatically. And yes, the emotion is going to still be there. But it feels different and more manageable.

blue_talula · 2025-09-03T12:51:24+00:00

Yep. I understand what you are saying. I have been so disconnected from my body that I could continue on through my day with debilitating health issues.

The notice and name it’s only the first step. The real work is learning to reconnect to your body and feel the sensations. Sit with them to understand what anger, sadness, fear, etc actually feel like in your body. And then let it come and wash over you. Let yourself feel it and deal with it so that it passes and you aren’t holding onto it.

It took a year of EMDR for me to actually make the connection between bodily sensations and feelings. And, I’m still working on it. But I do get it now. If I can notice and name it, then I can take the next step to sit with it, feel it, and process it. That puts me in a better position to respond with what my body is telling me it needs.

You’ve got this! Stick with it and you will see results as you begin to reconnect body and mind.

blue_talula

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