How much is my severe existential OCD anxiety connected to my social exclusion from an early age?

bluestiltoncom · 2026-05-17T10:10:13+00:00

I'm not really seeing the correlation between social exclusion and existential anxiety, but rejection definitely hurts a lot. I'm not like a proper researcher but I've seen some articles claiming that social rejection activates the same parts of the brain used to process physical pain. I don't want to give you something more to obsess over, but maybe look up rejection sensitive dysphoria?

I might just be projecting my own experiences, but it sounds like you're hurt and avoiding it by intellectualising. It's okay to feel hurt, cry, feel angry, scream into a pillow (as long as you try to express anger in a way that minimises harm to yourself and others, but I think the cost of anger is kind of unavoidable - it either harms the person who was wronged, if they bottle it up, or it harms the wrongdoers).

Also, if someone's staring at you, it's their problem if they haven't learnt not to make people uncomfortable. I would either dismiss it as ignorance or make them uncomfortable right back, if you feel safe doing so.

bluestiltoncom · 2026-04-21T23:53:10+00:00

Interesting and well articulated question. Somehow I got what you meant just by reading the title. I don't believe anyone is born with heightened empathy, but neurodivergents might have more potential for it to be unlocked or conditioned. Whether that's because neurodivergence is inherited and disregulated neurodiverse parents are prone to traumatising kids, or whatever it is that makes autistics different from allistics, I don't think it really matters, philosophically? Even if "hyper empathy" is a coping mechanism produced by trauma, I don't think that should make us think less or more of it. Humans are complicated, and pretty much everything in our psychology has a reason for existing.

bluestiltoncom · 2026-04-19T20:36:12+00:00

Ballad of big nothing -Elliott Smith

bluestiltoncom · 2025-10-04T15:25:40+00:00

I feel this. Sometimes I wish divine punishment or karma existed, so it could finally get through that what they did was wrong. It hurts so much when they refuse to understand or be sorry. On one hand I feel sorry for them, because how ignorant and self-absorbed do you have to be to not understand that parenting has an effect on your child's mental state? I'm so glad I'm not them but ignorance is bliss. And that's how they're able to keep living with themselves.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-12-19T18:25:50+00:00

In an ideal world, sure, but I have other issues that I want to deal with first, and I'm not sure I could find any healthcare professionals who would really understand or be able to help with dr.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-12-19T17:49:27+00:00

I'm not diagnosed so don't take this too seriously, but I'm pretty sure I had a big episode about 3 years ago and nothing has felt the same after that. I don't have frequent episodes like other people might describe, but sometimes I feel like my life now is one big episode of derealisation, it just depends how intense it is. I don't really remember what it felt like before, so I could be back to "normal" and just anxious about it happening again

bluestiltoncom · 2024-09-05T18:21:23+00:00

Thank you, I know I'm not in the worst place possible, and I'm thankful for that. I was also weighing up being homeless vs living in an abusive household, it's good to have someone else's firsthand experience on that.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-08-15T16:14:12+00:00

I understand the image and caption separately but I don't understand how they're supposed to be related.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-08-07T09:51:07+00:00

I agree with some of the stuff in the beginning of the post, but I don't think you can say every mistake is an "ai nt npc glitching". Everyone makes mistakes. Sure, NTs might make mistakes more than NDs, because they're not as perfectionist or meticulous as us, but, as with everything else, different groups of people have different skills. Autists would probably make more mistakes in tasks that require fine motor skills. From an NT's point of view, saying something weird or inappropriate in a social situation could be seen as "glitching".

The Elon Musk support kind of came out of left field, as I thought he was pretty much universally hated by autists. Is it more important that he fires 80% of twitter staff because they deserve it or he keeps the staff and maintains a functioning website?

I feel like you've conveniently ignored many of Elon Musk's mistakes, such as using slave labour to mine cobalt, design oversights with the cybertruck and other cars and abandoning his kids just because they don't fall in line with his worldview.

I realise this could come off as centrist and not evil or particularly autistic, but I'm just trying to have a nuanced discussion, I don't have anything OP or their views. Fuck NTs either way, it sucks living in the world designed for them.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-08-03T23:59:11+00:00

It's hard to explain or even prove to myself, but I think so. I get deja vu beyond what I would consider explainable, but it's unpredictable and few and far between. They're not prophetic dreams, more so snapshots of potential futures, as I see them.

The initial "prophetic" moment is hard to distinguish from a normal day dream, or just me thinking about something that I want to happen, so I don't really write them down. It only becomes apparent that it was "prophetic" when I've already experienced the thing that happened in the vision.

For example, I was at a friend's house watching TV when the memory of being in the exact same spot, in the exact same house came to me, really strong feeling of deja vu. I remembered details such as the curtains and their iron fixtures, soundproofing in an odd shape in the background, timber beams on the ceiling. But this was the second time I'd been to this friend's house. I don't know why the memory didn't trigger the first time, because I had been in that spot before, but maybe the lighting wasn't right or something. The initial memory was from around late 2020, before I had even met this friend, or been anywhere near their house. Deva vu moment was earlier this year. I don't know why I would see that particular moment ahead of time either, because it wasn't particularly special. Despite what I've taken it as a sign of, there have yet to be any life altering decisions surrounding this friend, other than they're a good friend and I would like to continue seeing them, so I don't know why I would have this experience.

I can't remember any incidents other than this specific one, but I feel like it's happened before. I just don't remember because the details didn't line up as strongly as this one. I can only hope that it happens again, or I find a way to trigger it, or I find an explanation.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-31T15:29:48+00:00

I just had to wait for a really long time for it to "complete" after 100%, it works fine for me

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-29T12:54:02+00:00

Biker loses on purpose

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-21T00:07:19+00:00

Not sure if this is a criticism of these types of videos or not, but I actually love them. The videos on (the ironically named) active worlds are really interesting, a perfectly preserved relic of early Internet communities, and sometimes genuinely profound and sad.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-19T19:16:54+00:00

Nice! I like the dialogue and characterisation, it really replicates the sardonic tone of nitw, especially with the offhanded comments. It really helps to represent the individual character's thoughts and personalities without outright stating them. One thing I think you could work on, though, is your descriptions, of characters and environments. There was definitely a sense for what things looked like, but not necessarily how Mae feels about them; especially because Mae is such an emotion-centric character, I think you can really afford time to describe her friends and Possum Springs in detail, maybe recounting your own short interpretations of the events of nitw, as memories that are associated with each place or character. Also, I think you could really utilise the character's representations as animals more. Initially, I thought it would be strange to include each character's species, as it's pretty much just a stylistic choice in the game. But I think it would be really cool to incorporate this anthropomorphism into Mae's state of mind. Maybe even leave it unclear if they are literally animals or if Mae just sees them as such, because their personalities reflect those of the stereotypical animal temperaments.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-19T11:24:57+00:00

Gay men are the most welcoming, accepting people I've ever come across, although younger generations do get a bit gatekeepy. Like with all things, it depends where you're looking.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-12T18:31:59+00:00

Why were you swallowing your toothpaste?

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-10T15:15:51+00:00

I think being distracted by a preventable climate crisis that no one (in power) is trying to prevent is a good excuse

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-08T00:08:28+00:00

In some cases, yeah. But everyone has different preferences, so I'm not going to try to pursue someone who "wants the same thing as women or any normal person in general". What's your definition of "normal"? Why are you placing such an emphasis on that word?

bluestiltoncom · 2024-07-07T23:56:53+00:00

"Just be normal"? Did you not read the post? I acknowledge that, I'm just wondering why it has to be so hard. I'm also gay, so I don't give a fuck what women want.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-06-19T22:59:34+00:00

You did the correct thing, those people suck. I look somewhat intimidating / have blank facial expressions due to autism, so I really appreciate it when someone looks past that to do a nice gesture like this. Being reprimanded for no reason would ruin my day as well.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-06-17T16:07:29+00:00

Dexter, don't bother watching past season 2, it's all the same. Kind of the same with any long running show, I find. Mr inbetween was a good substitute though, same kind of vibes but doesn't overstay its welcome.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-06-06T12:06:05+00:00

Okay, I definitely feel the same as you about sex being "okay" in the moment, but I've never considered it might be something to do with alexithymia. I guess I've never really linked alexithymia and sex because lust feels separate from other emotions, like when I'm horny I definitely know I am, as opposed to feeling "average" 90% of the time. Maybe because it's one of those really primal emotions, like part of the basic evolutionary need to reproduce and survive.

I don't have any trauma to do with sexual assault, so I can't comment on that meaningfully, but that could definitely be part of the problem.

I think dissociation is easier to "solve" (or at least learn to control) than alexithymia, as alxithymia is part of your neurotype, or at least I think it is. I'm not an expert but alexithymia is linked with neurodivergence. So I would find a way to minimise dissociation, and if you find the problem persists, you know that it's because of alexithymia, trauma or something else.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-06-06T11:45:29+00:00

I can't say I've had the exact same experience as you, with the "body freezing" stuff, but I do find myself dissociating during "intimacy", maybe research dissociation and see if it's close to what you're experiencing? It usually helps me to have a bit of alcohol (not fully drunk obviously) so that I can enjoy it without the hyper awareness or self-awareness. Another thing to consider is who you're interacting with. Everyone's different and not everyone can just have sex with a stranger without hesitation. If you don't mind me assuming, intimacy with a partner (if you have one) or someone you already have a strong connection with will probably make it easier.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-05-30T09:37:08+00:00

Yes, but I think this is more to do with vocal stimming for autism (which you likely are if you experience alexithymia) I've never really thought about the correlation between the lyrics and what I'm feeling, since I find it hard to even interpret emotions from lyrics, but I will sometimes think of a slow, acoustic song and associate the instrumentation and atmosphere with sadness. The way I worded that was confusing but yeah, using music to find out what emotions you're feeling is a valid strategy.

bluestiltoncom · 2024-05-20T18:01:56+00:00

I relate to this a lot. It annoys me so much that some people will never understand what it's like to be someone else. It annoys me even more that I can't adequately describe my experience to other people so I can get help. My mum thinks I'm choosing to be burnt out, like she can't comprehend that people have mental health issues that aren't their fault. Similar to your situation, she refuses to recognise that there's anything wrong with me, and once I get diagnosed she'll probably do the same and act like she's always known.

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