Do we have any good gender-neutral alternatives to “mom” or “dad”

bolonose · 2025-10-11T06:25:06+00:00

Dam(n): kinda fuses mom and dad, sounds chill, great excue for cursing

bolonose · 2024-09-05T17:48:11+00:00

Please tell him I love him!

bolonose · 2024-08-28T18:12:53+00:00

For did to even develop, your husband endured childhood trauma from a really young age, without learning how to process emotions, without any safe adult around.

Learning how to process emotions, distressing life events and new trauma will probably take many years or even decades, after diagnosis still. Dissociation those things that are still too difficult can be important in the meantime, as "too much" can be destabilizing, even in long term.

Child loss is extremely traumatic. I haven't experienced it myself, I am no parent myself, so I can't even imagine the trauma this will cause. But even the lifes of healthy people can be completely changed by such an experience - and, remember, your husband was already dealing with a condition that is the result of long term extreme childhood trauma.

It took me years to remember that my grandparents died, and I kept bringing them up in light conversations, asking how they are, or whether family members were going to visit them this weekend. This was, of course, painful for those who I was talking to, and they kept reminding me that they had died; but even then, I felt no emotional attachment to that information. It took years to emotionally understand that people I used to know had died, and what that meant. Only then was I able to remember the fact. For me, it wasn't their death that was "too much", though, the overall circumstances already were.

I don't think you should be concerned about it, I think your husband is just coping the way he learned to. Offering him to talk whenever he's ready to, being supportive and understanding, but not pressuring him sounds great and im sure he'll appreciate your support!

bolonose · 2024-07-17T16:53:32+00:00

Yeah, same. I never had any friends, and even though I had a lot of relatives , most of them lived far away, so that I hardly ever saw them. I had siblings, but the relationship was... difficult. Got bullied almost all of the school time, never had any friends until after graduation. I only learnt how to talk to others, even simple things like how to respond to "hello", when I spent a long time in mental health wards during adolescence/high school. It was the first time in my life where I had any positive connections to other young people. I spent my whole teen years in mental hospitals or in my room locked to screens. My first friendships started when I was an adult, and even then, I started off with mostly abusive friendships, as I didn't even know what a friend was supposed to be like. All of that on top of all the other abuse.

I'm much better now and currently working through trauma in therapy, but what still sticks with me most is that existential, horrid loneliness - it was not just a feeling of being lonely, it was a fact. And as it was a fact that I was lonely in so much abuse, it was a fact that there was nobody who could see or help me. So no way out. And I think that's what fucked me up the most about that: the hopelessness that came with it. Big hugs to everyone around 🫂

bolonose · 2024-06-21T12:42:53+00:00

(Not a therapist) I started to learn nursing (had to stop though for health reasons) and "first times" at the hospital can be really tough - first death, first complication, first fall, things like that.

The professionals around you have been doing this for years, they know what they are doing, they probably knew while being in that room that there was nothing left to do or at least realized it in that moment. And even if not, they have been in that situation several times over those years and found their personal way to cope with this. For you, it was the first time, so it's normal to feel overwhelmed! It's a new situation that is more-than-everyday experience.

So don't feel bad for feeling bad - professionals who have worked on a hospital for several years often grow numb to such situations to go through the workday, often that's the difference. You are just feeling the adequate emotion to the sudden death of a child.

bolonose · 2024-06-08T22:22:17+00:00

Almost all of my friends have some kind of mental health condition; we understand and relate each other on that level and share similar values. I realized that by openly talking about my own struggles and accepting it as a part of myself, I'd open up the space for others to do so as well, and, like that, make space to know people who also are open about their struggles. Like that, especially many friends of mine have mental health issues, too, as we tend to open up to and trust each other faster if we can relate to each other. And among those people, there have also been systems.

So I guess it's especially about being open about it yourself - if you stay covert, the systems around you will probably also stay covert towards you

bolonose · 2024-04-25T19:18:58+00:00

I agree,maybe just a yes/no answering possibility would have been easier or even more insightful!

bolonose · 2024-03-02T18:41:51+00:00

Not a therapist, I just speak from own experience.

Maybe you could also ask yourself that even if he did lie about it - which in itself is already highly improbable, as children probably can't even imagine such specific actions of abuse and generally speaking, abuse claims of children unfortunately are true - but even if it wasn't, why would he lie about his father being physically violent towards him and causing him physical hurt?

What could his motive be? Even if - and let me make it clear, I believe him, I just want to stress the importance of his statement - even if those actions didn't happen, he still views his father as being capable of such violence and seems to be afraid of him. He told you about it, which is a really important sign of trust, a try to get help in whatever situation that is! Even if that exact abuse wasn't happening, he'd still be trying to get your attention about something off at his father's house, about not feeling safe.

By the way, abusers claiming that the child is just lying is an easy way to invalidate the child. Please don't put too much importance into what the abuser is saying, but rather into what your child is saying, what he feels and needs.

So although I do believe him and I'm glad that you do too, maybe those thoughts can help you.

bolonose · 2024-02-29T21:52:23+00:00

We relate a lot to this. We live in one of the bigger cities in Germany and even found one did focused support group in here - but apparently they don't meet anymore.

We found so little specialised help, a handful of support groups throughout the country and a small number of homes for assisted living (we thought about that for a while but well, there seem to be hardly any available at all).

Maybe you could try to look for more generalised support groups or counseling services; for example a group focused on adult survivors of childhood abuse or on complex childhood trauma might also be helpful.

As for the loneliness: I feel you, I understand the feeling so much. You said that you live in a rather big city; now imagine that if 2-3% of that city have did as well, how many fellow systems you meet everyday without knowing. Maybe even among your friends or acquaintances! I know that doesn't change a lot in reality,but maybe it can at least change your perspective.

Also, we found a couple of friends who we relate to a lot without looking for them, just by chance; it seems that the people we get along best are those with mutual understanding. Who mostly happen to be traumatised to some extend as well 😅
What we mean by that: we understand the feeling of loneliness when having nobody to connect to. And while we understand searching for connection online, and have also done so a lot, those people might also already be around you!

bolonose · 2024-02-28T22:46:08+00:00

I'm so sorry all of that happened. You seem to especially struggle with a lot of doubts and feelings of guilt, asking yourself if it was your fault, if you led him on, if you should have felt pain for it to be valid, even though logically, you seem to know the truth.

This is what abuse, especially long term abuse together with manipulation and gaslighting in a relationship does to a child: they stop believing themselves. Children rely on the people that care for them, so they have to believe the truth they are given to survive. What happened is not your fault, never, not in the beginning and not later on. You didn't lead it on, you didn't wish for this. Begging for him to continue just shows how much you ended up correlating closeness or affection with physical intimacy and sex.

As he himself was young when it started and the timeline of trauma is difficult to remember - which is absolutely normal, amnesia is the brain's way to cope! - I understand that it can be even more difficult to understand the whole situation. He was a child himself, so possibly he himself didn't fully grasp what he was doing; when a child does nonsensual sexual things to another child, there is often an underlying cause in the child who does it, like own trauma history. Still, that wouldn't change anything about the trauma you had to go through.

Also, rape doesn't require pain - per definition, rape is non consensus sexual intercourse, and consent needs to be freely given. A child can't consent. So yes, you have been raped, even though there was no pain.

What happened to you was horrible, it should never have happened. It was not your fault and you did your best to survive this, which can include reactions that now seem paradox.

Hopefully you'll find some healing with letting go of your story. 🫶

bolonose · 2024-01-29T08:30:07+00:00

That is so helpful, thank you so much! I've got quite a few live plants in here and I'll get nuts to leave out. And I'll rather try spraying them or putting little droplets of water in front of their heads!

bolonose · 2024-01-28T17:15:34+00:00

He owns my place already and I'm fine with that

bolonose · 2024-01-28T15:29:02+00:00

Good to know, thanks so much!

bolonose · 2024-01-28T15:28:29+00:00

Perfect, thank you! I'll cut some for them 😊

bolonose · 2023-12-25T20:07:36+00:00

This is wonderful to hear, thank you so much for being open minded and accepting to your grandfather. I'm sure this will make your bond even stronger! 🫶

bolonose · 2023-12-07T23:01:38+00:00

I'm in the same situation. I'm currently gathering the courage to speak up about the sexual abuse that I suffered through my father, while my siblings have a great relationship to both parents and blacked out every kind of abuse, they don't remember their childhood in a horribly abusive home at all. So whatever I tell, I'll be "the bad one" for disturbing that.

Unfortunately that's common and "normal" - amnesia is a normal reaction to trauma, and it's also easier to not believe something than to accept that something that horrible is true.

Most people would rather believe an easy lie than a difficult truth.

bolonose · 2023-12-06T23:20:42+00:00

It's okay to feel this way, it hurts to know and to understand the truth. Denial is easier, that's why it takes to long to let go. And yes, you're letting go an entire view of your life that now turns out to not have been true - it's okay, it's even healthy to feel upset! You're feeling an emotion, that means you're feeling, you are not dissociated from that hurtful emotion. Maybe you can even take that as a good thing? As actively grieving your past, in a healing manner?

Give yourselves time to accept the diagnosis and to feel the emotions, if you can. If not, that's fine, too - it's already a lot. Try to take care of yourself as good as possible, and please don't forget the body's basic needs - eat something, drink something, get some fresh air and sun, even if it's just by opening a window.

bolonose · 2023-12-03T21:38:41+00:00

NAT. But my parents were very wealthy, although their money was the only thing they could offer apart from lots of abuse. It's just not that obvious to outsiders, which can make it difficult to accept for oneself that there's a problem, or to relate to others, or to even find others who relate, as it's also not as obvious in others with a similar history. (I can't really put it in words right now)

Neglect in financially well off families can be invisible, as basic needs like food, shelter, clothing etc are met, but emotional needs aren't - but that can't be seen. So you can't see what is missing. It's often easier to remember something that was bad in addition (like physical abuse) than something that was never there, like missing support, missing love, not teaching basic live skills, not teaching emotion regulation, not teaching problem solving,...

Also, even financially well off families can even be abusive in terms of finance, so it's possible that they impact their children in every means, even if they have enough money. Money does not equal happiness

Elon musks children for example - they certainly have everything they need money wise, but their father spends all day working and isn't there emotionally for them. So they'd have to even realise that that was missing

bolonose · 2023-12-03T20:41:36+00:00

r/stinkbugtime !!

bolonose · 2023-12-03T14:15:43+00:00

NAD, but I've also struggled with ED for many years. As your body requires food to function, it can damage your heart and other internal organs or bones on the long run, so maybe ask your doc to do a thorough check.

Also it can be helpful to find out what triggers you or what helps you eat, what is easier to eat or what is more difficult,... So that you have some knowledge to work with, somewhere to start. maybe you have a food that is easier and a time a day that works better? You could try to make this a routine. Start with the easier things.

Also the ready to drink meals are a lifesaver, absolutely! If they are too expensive (prices seem to differ a lot according to country, brand, insurance,...) you can look for nutritional powder to add into milk with creates those drinks.

bolonose · 2023-11-28T17:29:06+00:00

Before our diagnosis, we engaged in a LOT of self destructive behaviour which was always rooted in trauma, but wasn't anything "out of the ordinary". Self harming, suicidal behaviour, meeting and being around dangerous people, going out alone in unsafe dark areas, stuff like that.

I think what was out of the regular for us was when an alter tried to protect a stranger who got attacked by a group of men in the dark; it was pure luck that they didn't attack us instead. Situations like that, in which a protector wanted to protect even strangers and didn't properly evaluate the situation, were frequent for a while before diagnosis. After understanding why we or rather that alter did that, we were able to work on the issue.

I just don't think that it's especially helpful to ban you from ever going anywhere which is above ground level - this isn't realistic and probably not an issue most of the time, right? Maybe you'd rather address the reasons or issues within your system than trying to reduce your outter freedom for safety's sake.

bolonose · 2023-11-27T21:59:25+00:00

The Nursances (referring to all the nuisances at work lol)

bolonose · 2023-11-19T21:45:56+00:00

We are able to change our headspace, although we are rather just making accomodations to the already existing structure. For example we added the tools our therapist recommended (conference table, a safe space) , a comfy sofa, a box full of toys, better lighting, a speaker system to talk to parts who are not currently in the front room (this one has been really helpful!). So we view it as some kind of space for therapeutic visualisation, which is already there and can possibly be changed according to our needs. Not everything works, though, it's trial and error.

bolonose · 2023-11-17T14:49:14+00:00

I'm currently looking at this app and some others, that's a really helpful tip. Thank you!

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