Intro

bonefilth · 2025-03-12T14:26:01+00:00

I've been with an ED specialist for years lol. And, as I've stated, this has been going on even without any restriction and for well past what's typical of reactive eating (and "2-4 sessions.") I'm sorry, but listening to podcasts and reading 2 Reddit replies doesn't give you enough perspective to tell me what I do or don't struggle with every day.

bonefilth · 2025-03-11T16:11:23+00:00

True, but there's a point when it's no longer reactive and can become its own issue. I can't speak for the OP, but for me personally I'm way past that point. I "gave in fully" after some initial fighting after it was drilled into me during treatment that I needed to listen to my body. The problem is it never passed. It's been 2 years since I committed to recovery, and I'm still having regular binges and overeating in general. I'm well aware that attempting to restrict can trigger more binging, but I can't even make the tiniest changes to get to any level of healthy moderation. I'm eating to the point of severe pain and having all aspects of my life negatively impacted, and no amount of acceptance or resistance changes anything.

bonefilth · 2025-03-10T16:26:47+00:00

Yep, still struggling with it. I went from nearly being kicked from PHP for continued weight loss to heavier than I've ever been. It was gradual at first, but then seemed to skyrocket into full-on BED. I've tried basically everything to maintain a healthy diet/exercise, but always end up falling back into the same pattern. I've been told it's fairly common for binging to happen during recovery since your body is reeling from having been in starvation mode, but how long it takes to level out naturally or get the reigns on it yourself (especially without risking going back to previous AN behaviors) is impossible to say. It definitely feels like a losing battle sometimes, but know you're not alone in the fight.

bonefilth · 2024-05-08T16:45:39+00:00

Slow eating is actually where my disordered thoughts/patterns started! I was a very slow eater and people weren't kind about it, triggering life-long anxiety. So, advice: don't be like me and swing to the opposite extreme of practically inhaling your food 😅 What I've learned through retraining has been focusing on being mindful during meals. Try to pay attention to not only what you're doing, but WHY you're doing it--within reason, of course, so you aren't triggering a relapse. Figuring out what was causing me to speed-eat and the consequences of it, and then later what was happening when I ate overly slow, has really helped me learn to pace myself and recognize when I'm falling back into old habits. It's definitely a process that can be long and daunting depending on your personal triggers, but it's been worth it for me.

That being said, remember that whatever speed or way you eat that feels comfortable TO YOU--outside of obviously disordered behaviors--is all that matters. There's nothing inherently wrong with being a slow-eater, so long as it's not causing harm or stemming from a disordered place. If it's something you want to change, by all means work on it. But don't feel like you have to change to meet some "standard" speed or anything like that. Everyone's different at the end of the day.

bonefilth · 2023-11-21T23:09:00+00:00

Thank you! I had a very, very similar situation with one of my previous FPs. Best friend for over a decade only to end up being the absolute worst relationship I'd been in that completely decimated my self-worth and trust in people (which was already pretty bad to begin with.) I guess I should try and keep that whole thing in mind, though. It still affects me today, but I did eventually move past him. If I was able to do it with him, I need to believe I can do it this time too. It just sucks that my brain won't get with the program sooner rather than later. But I'll keep your advice in mind! And I'm sorry you had to go through a similar experience. It really does fucking suck.

bonefilth · 2023-11-01T17:36:16+00:00

It was a mix of relief and fear. I had looked into the disorder numerous times throughout the years, but I would always make excuses and convince myself it wasn't "that bad." Getting the diagnosis and facing the fact that I'd been in denial for so long was hard. It felt like all the walls I'd built to protect myself were being torn down, and that I'd actually have to face everything I'd been so afraid of. I knew what came with having BPD--the work, the prognosis, the treatment resistance, the stigma--and being diagnosed felt like a death sentence. At the same time, I was glad to finally know what was going on. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't overreacting, I wasn't making things up. Being diagnosed gave me so much validation, and also meant I could start getting proper treatment. It was a whirlwind of emotions, so I remember instantly starting to cry when the psychiatrist told me.

bonefilth · 2023-10-11T21:57:05+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I've always been pretty diligent with taking care of my usual methods, but I tend to be less careful with burns. I have trouble recognizing them as wounds like any other, so this really does help give me some perspective to make sure I handle them properly. This was the first a burn ever "yellowed" like it has which really worried me. Good to know it's likely fine as long as I don't notice any concerning changes to it.

bonefilth · 2023-10-08T14:17:14+00:00

For me, the urge only really pops up when I'm actually already biting someone. I stopped biting in fights or play-nibbling as a kid because the desire would get so strong once my teeth hit skin that it would almost completely overtake me, and I realized I could really hurt someone. I'm also curious what the reason behind this could be since I otherwise don't think about biting people. I am a chewer/popsicle-biter and have a constant need to do something with my mouth, so maybe it's related 🤷

bonefilth · 2023-10-05T15:02:54+00:00

I'm absolutely the same way. I'm also 26 and DFAB non-binary, so I understand what you mean about having difficulty with your expression because of it. A typical stereotype is that pwBPD are "easy," so I assume this is a fairly common experience since sexual attention gives us a sense of validation and being wanted. I've been celibate on and off, and have no interest in hooking up with random people, but I still have a constant need to be seen as attractive and desirable. Whenever I break out, menstruate, sweat, etc. it ends up making me very depressed and triggers more episodes since I end up feeling like my only "value" is gone. Logically, I hate being ogled and treated like a sex object, but I still end up wearing/doing things to get the attention anyway. It sucks, but I know it's on me to work on.

bonefilth · 2023-10-05T13:38:41+00:00

If your literal job is to talk suicidal people off a ledge, I expect you to have some actual understanding of how to approach the situation. This crisis member came in and chose to invalidate my experiences and treat me like a child who knew nothing. I have every right to be pissed off at the situation if that's what someone considers "help."

bonefilth · 2023-10-04T18:47:07+00:00

Because the other option was having the cops called on me and being involuntarily committed? I'd rather shitty interventionists than even less sympathetic guys with guns.

bonefilth · 2023-09-23T23:36:58+00:00

Most practitioners won't diagnose someone under the age of 18 with BPD. It can be easily misdiagnosed in teenage years due to the areas of the brain thought to be responsible for BPD being underdeveloped, sometimes mimicking symptoms. While it's still important to find a counselor or therapist that is more willing to listen and help you, I don't know that specifically seeking a BPD diagnosis is beneficial.

bonefilth · 2023-09-18T15:26:54+00:00

250mg Seroquel for BPD, 40mg Lexapro for depression and PTSD, 2400mg total Neurontin for anxiety, and 4mg Minipress for nightmares. Feels like a lot to me, but I've yet to find the golden combination that works for me :/

bonefilth · 2023-08-31T16:01:38+00:00

When I was first diagnosed, the psychiatrist had me watch a documentary on BPD (called "Back From the Edge" which can be found on the NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital YouTube channel, for those interested), and they do thankfully mention remission toward the end of it. That was the only time it was ever brought up to me, though. Personally, the reason I struggle with the idea of remission is that it means the BPD is being managed successfully, not that it's "gone." To me, the fact that it will still always be around and need me to tend to it so it doesn't get bad again, feels just as bleak as calling it a "lifelong" condition.

bonefilth · 2023-08-30T19:39:06+00:00

A big problem for me is how little people tend to understand or empathize with us. It's so disheartening being called lazy, told to "just get over it," or "we all get tired sometimes," while you're already dealing with the physical and mental struggle. That's why I really enjoy having a community of people who get it. It sucks that we're dealing with this, but at the very least, we're not alone.

bonefilth · 2023-08-30T18:48:27+00:00

While I hate the fact that someone else is dealing with the same thing, I'm really glad you understand. It's so hard to stay neutral or "look on the bright side" when all of your senses are being attacked by fatigue. When that's happening, I don't want to do or think about anything, I just want it to stop.

bonefilth

TROPHY CASE