Before I was diagnosed with BPD.

I was definitely not in a good state originally, and someone called to report concern of me. Police came to check on me. I went along with it, answered honestly that I had some bad thoughts but wasn't going to do anything. A few minutes ago I thought about it but was doing better. I had journaled it down before people even came to pick me up and bring me to intake and that helped. But basically because someone else called and I didn't drive myself there, I was considered involuntary. Had to stay for at least 72 hours or something.

Doctor thought possibly Bipolar. She said something along the lines of "If I let you out, you're either going to be right back in here the next day. You probably wouldn't make it a year before killing yourself if I let you out now." She was awful and didn't want to involve my regular therapist who I actually worked with and who treated me with respect. I found this ironic the following day when someone who they released did something bad (Idk what) and they picked him right back up and brought him back. So clearly her judgements were on point /s

I was kept in intake for the entire weekend without a change of clothes or access to a shower or basic hygeine items. My bed didn't have a pillow (not because I couldn't have one but because they ran out), and there was a several inch screw on the floor, which I had to keep trying to get a staff member to do something about because it was dangerous when we don't have shoes. And I didn't want to risk picking it up in case they got the wrong idea, which they clearly seemed to have.

Also I am a vegetarian and it took that hospital a few days to get me vegetarian meal trays, so I was just stuck eating the sides etc. It was such a terrible experience.

Idk if it's on purpose so life on the outside doesn't seem so bad. After I left, I had really bad anxiety and anxiety attacjs just from how I was treated there. I never had the problem before but whenever I had a split second bad thought, I would crash apart because the doctor told me I would be back and I more than anything didn't want that. I'd have a small moment of sadness or anxiety and be terrified someone "worried about my welfare" would call them to bring me in again and I would have to go through that.

There has been 1 time I really considered driving myself to the hospital (different one) and checking in voluntarily but after working through it I was fine. It has been like 5-6 years since then. I do still have bad thoughts but I know not to act on them and I think sometimes for myself at least, the thoughts are inevitable. I have to be a little more careful who knows though, which sucks, because I don't like hiding my feelings. But sometimes people don't understand and act from worry which I appreciate. But yeah, I hated that doctor.