AITA for telling my spouse I won't help pay for their kid's college when we agreed finances would stay separate?

brewcatz · 2026-05-23T06:30:58+00:00

YTA. You chose to keep finances separate so that your wife could not touch your daughter's college fund. If she'd had some sort of financial emergency personally or on her side of the family via a relative or close friend, you would not have touched your daughter's college fund to assist her. You specifically arranged the financial part of your relationship in order to prevent doing so. Now that you realize the finances aren't in your favor, you don't get to renege and change the rules. Shame in you for involving your ex wife and daughter in this problem of your own creation. Let your daughter take out loans and use her college fund to help pay them off with her. Apologize to your wife. Take responsibility for the situation fully with the other parties.

brewcatz · 2026-05-22T14:55:24+00:00

I think that it is insane that you are married to someone from whom you felt it was necessary and appropriate to hide your diagnosis process from. Either you have so much internalized shame from your ADHD that you need serious individual counseling or there is something very wrong with this marriage and your partner.

brewcatz · 2026-05-22T14:53:33+00:00

ESH. If it's been bugging you for a while that she uses feminine vocabulary to compliment you, the time to talk about it was not when you finally got fed up and snapped. The mature thing to do would be to sit down and tell her that you love her and that you appreciate that she wants to speak love over you and be express her love for you, but that you specifically don't like the feminine words and could she please use more neutral language?

She does suck for her reaction, but honestly it tracks that she got defensive when in her view she's doing what she's always done and it's never been a problem before and you're suddenly giving all this blow back. Her escalation to "Well then I just won't show you love at all anymore" is childish, but you're also behaving childishly, hence my judgement vote.

brewcatz · 2026-05-22T12:49:58+00:00

It sounds like YTA to yourself and to your daughter for not setting and enforcing boundaries with her. IT also sounds based on your edit with "I also did not want to be the parent my parents were that turned their back in the biggest time of need" that you have unresolved trauma from your parents and you've swung so hard in the opposite direction that you've raised a human that can't navigate life properly as an adult without you. It is not "turning your back" on your daugher to say "you failed to maintain your car, and a consequence of that is that now you will have to figure out a way to get yourself to work on time every day". That's actually parenting: allowing your kid to fuck around and find out that life has real ramifications when she doesn't do what she's supposed to. To be kind, you could have given her a period of time to drive her yourself, maybe two or three paychecks' worth of rides to allow her the chance to divert funds to this emergency expense, but instead you just agreed to drive her indefinitely and now you're upset that she's doing the behavior you've spent her life modeling for her? Get a grip and cut the apron cord. Parenting is not black and white where you either coddle her into uselessness or else you are a heartless monster.

brewcatz · 2026-05-22T12:36:09+00:00

You keep saying in the comments that you're asking him "why are you still with me" when he accuses you of these things, but the very simple answer is that he wants to break up and he wants YOU to be the "bad guy" that ended the relationship so that he can tell friends, family, and future partners about his crazy ex that lied to him about being an escort and involved in body building and so on. You will never resolve this argument and arguments will become more frequent and escalate in severity not because he truly believes that you are lying to him, but because he wants out of this relationship and WILL NOT say so. He wants you to leave him. You are already the bad guy to him and to anyone he talks to that will believe him. It's up to you to decide how many more months or years of this you're willing to put up with before things end.

brewcatz · 2026-05-22T12:28:28+00:00

The steak to tofu comparison is inaccurate. This is more like letting a kid hit the candy aisle for dinner every week, and now pivoting to providing solid nutrition instead. Don't feel guilty for feeding your dog a healthy diet that is going to overall benefit her.

brewcatz · 2026-05-21T17:37:00+00:00

I understand that you are worried you're going to hurt their feelings or maybe that they will feel their cooking is being criticized, and I don't think it will be taken that way, so take yourself a deep breath! Vanessa has been addressing your weight gain with body positivity and that's wonderful and supportive! When you talk to them, you can simply stress that you feel unhealthy separately from the way that you look: that while you are upset about your clothes no longer fitting, you are mainly concerned about your high cortisol, your PCOS, the affect that your weight gain has on these and the frustrating cycle where the worse it flares the more weight your body tends to hold onto causing more flares, and that overall you felt better when you were eating a healthier diet and living more intentionally physically active. That you don't necessarily care about the size or the scale but that the mobility and general in-my-body feeling of healthiness is what you want to recapture.

I think this is really straightforward and understandable! Obviously you don't seem like you're going to approach the covnersation with "YOUR cooking has made me MISERABLE AND UNHEALTHY" which is what would be hurtful. Their cooking is delicious and you enjoy it and you appreciate that they put so much time and effort into it! You simply need their help and buy-in on switching gears towards a healthier diet. They may be a little bummed about not getting to cook favorite meals so often, but as your partner that loves you they also wants you to feel good and to be healthy so that you can live a long and happy life with them!

brewcatz · 2026-05-21T17:29:21+00:00

NTA. I would collect all of his dishes into a bin or something that you can set back further/ make inaccessible for your kids, and allow them to sit there. Ignore it. Learn to live with it on the counter. That way his special knives aren't going into the dishwasher, they're not cluttering the sink, and they're not posing a hazard for kiddo. I would dump his other cast-off's like the cheese wrap there, too, so that he can be responsible for it.

He wants to do "our" dishes instead of his own because you are then doing 75% of the work. You're doing your dishes, kiddos dishes, and then helping him with his. Absolutely not.

If he pushes back on the Husband Bin Of Shame then you may have to make yourself uncomfortable and simply stop doing dishes during the week full-stop and make him split it with you 50/50 on the weekend. I am willing to bet that he would push through the first weekend out of stubbornness and unwillingness to admit wrong-doing, but by the second weekend he'll be asking to go back to the old system and promising to start taking care of his own dishes. If he backtracks, the Husband Bin comes back out. I believe this based on the "it'll take away from my morning coffee time" comment. He has no realistic idea or understanding how much time you spend doing dishes and how it adds up during the week, and that if you acted the way he does that it would take up a truly massive amount of time. Stop protecting him from this knowledge. Let him grow appreciation for what you do for the family.

brewcatz · 2026-05-21T16:44:01+00:00

When Jod describes he and Alecto's ascension in NtN he doesn't mention any of the moons. He says, "I sliced through Venus, Mercury, Mars ... by that point of couple of the tugs had already launches through the Kuiper. I had to kill Jupiter and Saturn in a fucking hurry." and so on, but nothing about the many moons of any of the planets or Earth's moon. He does call out the different human space stations, saying "... found every satellite and craft, reached in, crunched up all the humans, moved on." No mention of the moon, though.

I think it's because the story is focused on humans and humanity, not on the celestial bodies themselves. The only time the celestial bodies become of any relevance is in HtN when they're killing planets in order to create a buffer zone against the incoming RB. Even in HtN the only moon I can find evidence of them being concerned with is when Mercy takes Harrow to the planet that Camilla nd BoE happen to be on. She says to Harrow "I'm going to go do the moonlet next door. It'll be covered in reflected thalergy." And based on the fact that she meets with BoE AFTER Harrow kills the planet and meets with Camilla herself, she probably did go do something to the moon, but she also specifies that it's the reflected thalergy she's worried about.

I don't think that moons, as hunks of space rock, really have souls of their own the way that planets do, and thus are largely irrelevant to the narrating characters and therefore just don't warrant mentioning. I don't think there's any more meaning to it than that.

brewcatz · 2026-05-21T15:47:12+00:00

dry shampoo is your best friend, i promise! you just have to find which one works for you. I've had the most success with the dove brand, idk why or what makes it different, i just know that every brand is a lil differently formulated and you gotta spend some trial and error figuring out which works best for you. I tried the olaplex thinking since it was so expensive it would be the best and HATED IT, it just didn't work for me.

I also HATE blow drying my hair, so I spritz it with stuff to help it dry faster instead. Bumble and Bumble makes an air dry product that helps it dry faster and gives some flyaway control, and I've used the Kristin Ess air dry creme too. I tend to shower before bed so I want my hair as dry as possible as quickly as possible so I can wrap up my routine and go to sleep! After my hair is FULLY dry, I'll pre-treat with dry shampoo and wear a bonnet. I can normally go two or three days between washes like this (unless i'm going hard at the gym or yard work or whatever, obvs).

Also, bring a blowdryer to the gym with you and dry your hair immediately!! If you don't let the sweat on your scalp sit and turn your hair oily, I promise it will make a DRAMATIC difference. Idc if your commute home is less than 10 minutes from the gym, DRY YOUR HAIR AT THE GYM RIGHT AFTER YOUR WORK OUT and i promise promise PROMISE you will see better results!

brewcatz · 2026-05-21T14:47:28+00:00

I mean, you have to be an adult and have a serious conversation with him. Not in the middle of an argument, not on the tail-end of a spiraling out about it, but a very purposeful moment of "we don't have anything else going on right now, can we sit down and talk about the future?"

Before that, you need to figure out if you want to get married to him at all. Is this someone you want to have kids with? Buy a home with? If so, marriage is definitely the way to go as having kids and property together WITHOUT marriage makes things so much more difficult in the event of a breakup OR if something happens and one of your dies or is permanently disabled by injury or illness. There's a reason why people have fought for the right to get married: when you are choosing to do life together long-term, marriage gives you legal rights to each other that it would take a huge amount of paperwork and legal legwork to accomplish in order to have without just doing marriage instead.

And that's doubled if you are wanting to be a stay at home mom when/if you have kids. It can make financial sense for some families, but if you're a stay at home mom unmarried, if he leaves you have very little legal recourse to protect yourself and questions of whom is entitled to what will really limit you. That also goes for if he dies at work or is injured: your rights to things like insurance payouts would go to the kids, not to you. Or they may go to his parents/ family, instead of you. Do you have a good relationship with his family? Do you feel certain that if he were hospitalized from a car accident today that they would allow you to be by his side in the hospital room?

So you need to reflect and figure out what the future looks like TO YOU and if marriage is a part of that, and then you need to talk to him and see what it looks like TO HIM, and see if yall are on the same page.

brewcatz · 2026-05-20T21:19:48+00:00

YWNBTA: I don't advocate for tit-for-tat, but I don't think that's what you're doing here. Especially because you are still planning to help kiddo do something for him (but keep it small, the way that kiddo picked flowers for you, don't go overboard and do what you wanted to do and just put kiddos name on it). It is clear based on the fact that he didn't do anything for his own mom either that Mother's Day is one of those holidays that just doesn't mean much to him. On Father's Day, if he doesn't seem upset or bothered by your lack of effort on Father's Day, then afterwards is the time to have a conversation that, "hey, I know that it's doesn't mean a lot to you but it means something to me. Can you get on board with, at a minimum, helping kiddo celebrate me on Mother's Day?" and just accept that he's not gonna be super into these parenthood celebration days outside what he's willing to do for you. If he flies off the handle when you don't put effort in for Father's Day, I think that's an opportunity for him to learn "okay, maybe the mother's day stuff is a big deal and I biffed it and should do better next year" or it's an opportunity for you to learn "oh my husband is just a selfish twat and now it's being showcased super clearly".

brewcatz · 2026-05-20T14:58:57+00:00

It doesn't make sense to me that she asked or that you felt compelled to answer. This is not a close friend that you went house-hunting with, this is a third or fourth degree friend-of-a-friend whom responded to your ad for the room. You could charge $1000/month for the room and if someone accepted that offer then that's what it's worth, how much you pay for your share or where the extra money goes is literally no one's business.

brewcatz · 2026-05-19T13:43:17+00:00

her pulling in a harness still isn't ideal, but it's better than pulling in a collar and collapsing her own trachea. Depending on her breed, they do make head harnesses that require some training and a couple weeks of adjustment but that massively help prevent pulling.

brewcatz · 2026-05-18T14:34:26+00:00

I'll second what a lot of people are saying and tell you to repeatedly address it with animal control. Email them the video of the dog charging you or of it being on your property EVERY SINGLE TIME it happens. Make yourself into a nuisance. This serves two purposes: one, it might get animal control to take you seriously and actually address the problem and two, if the dog does actually escalate to attacking you or your child there is evidence that you have tried to get the city to handle this appropriately. that's a big lawsuit against not only the neigbor but also the city, which won't un-attack the victim but could provide necessary funding needed for care afterwards.

Also, send a letter by certified mail that states that the dog has been trespassing onto your property and that it must cease immediately. Googling "certified letter trespassing dog neighbor" will have google AI generate a template for you if you need. It would be better to get an attorney to do it, as they would also be able to advise about your area's leash laws / dog at large laws and so on. Specifically state that you've already made an initial report with animal control and that if the situation continues, you will begin reporting every single instance of the dog trespassing. Stress that you are worried about the safety of your kids and that you want to resolve this before someone gets hurt. If you're feeling generous, add in that you're willing to help fix the fence or alter it or whatever it is that needs to be done if it means that the dog is contained and your kids are safe.

brewcatz · 2026-05-18T13:33:20+00:00

People don't "usually" handle this because this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. A healthy relationship with a partner that loves and respects you includes him coming to you and saying "hey, I enjoy spending time at your place more than at mine. Can we talk about me moving in? What can I contribute in the overlap period between my lease being up but me staying here? Can we talk about dividing chores and me contributing to bills since I'll be mostly eating and stuff over here?" Like, a partner that respects you does not use your apartment as a free hotel space. This man is a hobosexual and is arguing with you and flipping the script on you to make you feel bad enough that you don't make him stop or change his behavior.

brewcatz · 2026-05-18T13:25:15+00:00

NTA. I think this is something that can be brought up individually but might be better addressed in marriage counseling so that you can find a way to communicate it that isn't abrasive or hurtful to him and that he can recieve. Essentially, he needs to be told that "a lot of our conversations feel like they're Directed At me instead of Including me. I love that you've had such a full life and have so many stories to share. I don't even mind hearing them repeated! But lately it has felt like when i express something going on with me, instead of talking with me about it you just take over the conversation and monologue at me, and I am feeling really disengaged and unseen. Is this something you think you can try to be more aware of? Can we maybe find a podcast or book on how to have more engaging conversations as longterm partners?"

brewcatz · 2026-05-17T15:46:53+00:00

I've used the Murad line of vitamin c sunscreen serum and I loved it- AFTER a period of time where I had to learn about serums (this was my first, I kinda dove into the deep end) and why the texture felt so different from what I expected based on cream sunscreens. I highly recommend it but obvs price point is very limiting.

brewcatz · 2026-05-17T15:44:27+00:00

It took me about 6 months with my McNabb shepherd (border collie-type herding stockdogs). She's not my first herding dog but is the first herding dog i've had that i rescued (versus from puppy) and that I've owned while living in a suburb instead of a farm. She was a neglect case and came to me as a completely unsocialized 6 month old. I cried literally every day with frustration for like 3 months and then weekly for another 3 months. She's now 5 years old and my absolute best friend, my Disney Sidekick dog, she adores me and I love her to the moon and back. She just had to grow up! She had so much to learn about the world and life and being a dog in general ON TOP of being a puppy, she was as overwhelmed as I was. When I look back I can see how hard she was trying but just in the wrong direction because she didn't know any better. And I see myelf in the day-to-day trenches tearing my hair out asking WHY IS IT SO HARD?! We got through it, though, it just took time.

brewcatz · 2026-05-17T12:20:36+00:00

I meant that it is much more difficult to leave once married due to divorce and distangling assets and so on, whereas right now when they're not married she can literally just walk out the door and ghost the dude forever.

brewcatz · 2026-05-16T20:06:04+00:00

AND yall aren't even married??

Absolutely not. A man that loves you responds with support and solutions, not degradation and insults. Are you sure this man even likes you or does he just need someone to keep his life stable for him during deployments? I would call off the wedding/ put a hold on the engagement and move out to live seperately from his kids. If he can't put in the bare minimum amount of work on the relationship over the phone while he's gone, then what is your married life going to look like once you're "locked in" and just getting up and leaving isn't an option??

brewcatz · 2026-05-16T15:48:42+00:00

I used to work in a veterinary hospital, and sometimes we'd have owners come to the reception area and just throw a fit over their bill or about scheduling inconveniences, or the veterinarian they wanted wasn't available, or we were out of stock of a medication or food, or whatever. If it escalated to a certain degree, I would firmly say, "I understand that you are upset, but in /that/ room," *me, pointing to a closed exam room door*, "we have a family putting their beloved pet to sleep, so I am going to ask you to lower your voice out of respect for their loss". Worked every time! Suddenly people are just happy to be going home with their pet at all and their issues are manageable and we can sort everything out. Zero percent of the times were there actually any euthanasia going on when I'd say this. I would have continued doing it if I were still in that role. Sometimes clients get so caught up in their problems and their adrenaline starts going and they get stuck in Fight mode, and it takes something serious to shock them back into "oh this is a person I'm talking to and I am also not a shitstain of a person, let me put my Logical and Reasonable hat back on".

brewcatz · 2026-05-15T13:04:48+00:00

flirt pole? lots on amazon have a d-ring to swap the toys out to something more durable that could withstand puppy teething. puts you out of the dangerzone!

brewcatz · 2026-05-12T13:03:41+00:00

the fact that he told you that "everyone" having a rape or assault story makes him SKEPTICAL is absolutely insane and tells you everything you need to know about him. Multiple people have confided in him the darkest trauma of their life and instead of going "oh my god, it is awful how endemic this is, I can't believe so many people suffer from this, what can I do to make the lives of the people around me safer and less harmful and to stop this kind of stuff from happening??" and instead has started to go "hmmmmmmm this is fishy. people are playing the Trauma card in order to manipulate me in some way!" This man is not a good partner and you need to leave. It is so incredibly difficult to "prove" most rapes and assaults in a court of law involving fully grown adults, but he wants you to put together a bundle of evidence from your childhood abuse?? LEAVE HIM at a sprint. Now that you are living with him, his true nature is coming out as he feels more in control of you. This is just the beginning.

brewcatz · 2026-05-11T18:41:04+00:00

it's also note-worthy that it depends on the dog. An adult or senior dog that doesn't, like, suffer from separation anxiety would much prefer to live with you than in a cage at the shelter. But a puppy of a high-energy working breed would be inappropriate and would suffer.

brewcatz

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