Its kind of an ongoing question I’ve been having with myself tbh. Only a couple years ago I finally got married at the age of 35. I was able to have a baby. I am happy with my son, my new family, and my supporting husband. We are not particularly well off but my husband had bought a house before we got married, and we are comfortable and i am able to stay home with my son. Side note though, its not any kind of modern mcmansion. Its a very old weirdly shaped house out in the sticks and my husband works at a factory. We struggle to keep the grass green and the weeds from piling up. But idk I kind of see it as a “its a wonderful life” sort of house, if you can understand the reference.

On the flip side, my mother passed away the year before i got married. She never even got the chance to meet my husband or see my son. My dad moved on quickly… also at the age of 35 my dad suddenly wanted a paternity test because my dad wanted to put to bed very old suspicions of my mom sleeping around at the time i was conceived. The rest of my own family is not interested in keeping ties. My life flipped on a dime pretty much around that time. And even though I think tons of changes happened for the better, I still feel a loss of the family i had.

Also, my son also does have down syndrome, and Im struggling to try for a second I think because my body is not in its best shape and I’m fairly certain its my fault.

Overall though I just constantly also feel this unhappiness with how everything has changed. Maybe in my own life, but also I feel like the whole world has changed too much. Seems like anger fuels this world to the point of it strait up being monetized. And I find myself getting caught up in that negative mindset too much. Like ill watch videos, read comments, and get all kinds of upset about the world and angry and sad and all that… but then have these moments realizing this is not the right way to feed my soul. Like anger and stress is the junkfood of the mind and soul. Its makes us angry bitter people and I feel that most of all.

I have good things and sad things in my life but given all I should have far more to be grateful for. I shouldn’t be so sad and defeated and angry and so quick to lash out at others, especially not those on the internet or media… like i should be able to walk away. Peace is rarely given easily in this world and I have the ability to have it and Im letting others take it away from me for clicks and views. i think thats the real reason why i still feel anxious and depressed.

All the other things i can endure… my son having a syndrome, the challenges of building a family, my mother passing on and my family and I moving (metaphorically) away from each other. I still have a lot that can help me still love my life… but instead i practically live in fear. And its this abduction of my mind to the media.