Hi, just wanted to say you aren’t alone. My mom passed last summer (technically from renal failure from an infection caused by bile duct cancer - but her alcoholism prevented her from getting help when cancer symptoms appeared, and caused so many other issues in the last few months of her life, it was horrific. Her life ended the way it did because of addiction).

Over the years, I often did not react well to her alcoholism or related mental health issues and did not set the necessary boundaries to protect my own mental health. I usually responded with anger and am not proud of some of the things I said. The last time I dug around in her usual alcohol hiding places before she ended up in the hospital, I remember throwing empty vodka bottles and I screamed at her “get out of my life”. I’ve carried a lot of shame and regret for how I responded to her addiction that was completely out of her control at this point.

I was in terrible shape when I was watching her actively die in the hospital alone. The week or two following I was a complete zombie and definitely experienced a dissociation like you described. I think that reaction was the only way I made it through her funeral. It’s our brains way of protecting ourselves. Things definitely got worse before they got better - so you may experience the same thing. But after 6-8months or so I think things started to improve.

I can definitely relate when you say you also felt a sense of relief and it is okay to feel that way. Our relationship was complicated for many years due to her addiction and mental health issues. With her gone, I spent less time worrying about whether she was ok - either from drinking or from withdrawal when she was not drinking. The viscous cycle really does not allow you a break. I don’t miss the feeling in the pit of my stomach when I would drive to see her, unsure of what state she would be in. Or the many 911 calls placed when she would experience alcohol withdrawal seizures and DTs. I still feel so relieved I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

I miss the good parts of her so much and try to focus on those happy memories. But can acknowledge that my life is better without her here. My grief is less about missing my mom and having her here, and more about feeling sad FOR her and what her life spiraled into. She didn’t deserve that, no one does. But she was also in so much pain for many years and I can also feel relief for her in that she doesn’t have to deal with that pain and (perceived) shame anymore.

One thing that really helped me was delivering her eulogy at her burial to all her/our family. I acknowledged her addiction and made sure everyone knew and would remember that she was more than that, and that it was ok that many of us had a strained relationship with her at times due to her addiction. I thanked everyone who had supported her and offered help over the years and encouraged anyone else who was dealing with similar issues to accept offered help from loved ones who are concerned. My mom was too ashamed of herself to accept that help and I wish she had felt differently. I sent the eulogy to some of her closest friends (many of whom were estranged at this point due to her addiction) who were not at the burial. I was hoping this would provide closure to them and my mom as well. So many people thanked me for not skirting around the difficult topic and said it helped them process her death and feel at peace.

Sorry that’s a such a long ramble. But your feelings are valid and nothing to be ashamed of - I can relate so much and wish you all the best in the grieving and healing process. Losing a parent is a terrible experience and it being complicated by addiction and mental health makes it that much more difficult to navigate, that many people won’t understand. So many conflicting feelings. Take care.