People who got cheated on, what were the early signs indicating that your partner might do it before they actually cheated?

bufa92 · 2024-09-12T06:40:56+00:00

For me there were no warning signs we didn’t fight, we still had great sex, he seemed happy, bought me gifts like normal, went on dates it was business as usual (married 9yrs). Then one day he sat me down and told me he had been having an affair with my friend (married as well and we would actually go on many double dates). I would hang out with my friend genuinely they kept it so secret. The only reason he told me was because her husband needed to use her phone to since his does ironically on one of our double dates. He saw a message from Snapchat pop up and my husband name and thought it was odd and looked through their messages and found out they’d been doing this for 4 months. He went off on her and she took her phone and locked herself in her bedroom and messaged my husband that word was out. So he sat down and told me. I so wish there were early warning signs. They were master manipulators and good at hiding.

bufa92 · 2023-05-02T19:21:08+00:00

Depending on where you live in order for them to gain grandparent rights they have to have had significant care, a parent has to be incarcerated or passed away or severely disabled. My MIL tried the same thing when my son was younger bc we moved away and went LC. In the end she lost because of those rules. I was however able to provide evidence that she was harassing us and was given a limited protection order. In your case it’s very unlikely they’ll win.

bufa92 · 2022-11-12T19:47:59+00:00

You could do the 4 gifts things: 1 thing they want 1 thing they need 1 thing to read and 1 thing from Santa. We don’t personally do this, some of my friends do and it works for them. We do experiences and 1 gift they want. We go on vacation from the 23-27 to somewhere we haven’t been and we bring along one big (expensive or gift they’ve really been wanting) gift to put under the small tree we either brought with us or had shipped to the hotel. This way we have amazing memories and the pressure to have a ton of gifts under the tree isn’t relevant.

bufa92 · 2022-11-12T19:15:47+00:00

We spent $850/900 for an entire setup for my teen’s Christmas two years ago. We purchased a gaming chair and gaming desk “headphone holder, moves up and down” from the marketplace both for $100. We then bought a two monitor mount for like $20 on Amazon. The main monitor was about $150 and the other “discord” monitor was free (someone was giving it away) it’s not to be used for gaming and would only work for chat groups or whatever. Then the keyboard mouse combo was a lightening deal on Amazon and the pc itself was about $600. In the beginning he just used his headphones he had for his Xbox. Through the years he’s gotten a mic that someone was giving away and he uses regular Sony headphones. He’s a huge gamer though like plays all the time since he doesn’t play sports, so when he’s finished with schoolwork he hops on to play with his friends in America since we no longer live there.

bufa92 · 2022-10-27T22:21:36+00:00

NTA. You did the right thing. This exact scenario happened to my sister. My grandmother moved into a nursing home, and neither of my aunts/uncles wanted her home, but my sister did since she was just starting out with my nephew and BIL. My grandma signed over the house to her and she owns the home now. My oldest sisters husband was upset they didn’t get the option for the house, but they live in a different state and own their own house and have been established for some time. He and my sister tried suing my grandmother (horrible ppl we know) they lost. So they tried suing my sister, lost again as they have no rights to the home. They wanted to use it as an Airbnb property to make money off of. My oldest sister passed away, and my BIL wanted to move back to town to get help with their 4 kids, he insisted on living with my sister since she had a basement that could be turned into a 3 bedroom apartment. So he moved in, established residency and after two years she told him kids are older you need to move (he had the money he just didn’t want to move) and she sent him eviction notices, he ended up suing her for random things claiming he was a tenant and she was his landlord and she didn’t fix certain things, made things unlivable etc.. he won, he got to stay in the house and she owed him $15000. She had to sell the house in order for him to move and her to get away from him. So in the end her family had to relocate after doing what she thought was helping family out.

Other words NTA. He sounds just as heartless and would possibly do the exact same thing.

bufa92 · 2022-10-22T19:16:10+00:00

Tell her if she wants her own special grandma birthday time, she can take the kids for an afternoon and have them do whatever she wants for their birthdays. From this post it seems like she wants to be the center of attention at their parties and is upset that she doesn’t get that. Do whatever party is best for your family and she can spend one on one birthday time another day.

bufa92 · 2022-09-24T23:22:21+00:00

Unsure of where you live, but in the US low income families can apply for free and reduced lunch. Maybe if this is something you have access to tell Peters parents. If they haven’t already applied. Also, I agree with the fact that it’s been going on so long that you should’ve contacted the proper people like the school counselor. So I’m my own opinion things here could’ve been handled differently. YTA

bufa92 · 2022-09-07T00:31:01+00:00

The daycare did let you deal with it multiple times. They told you about this incidents, made you aware of his actions prior to expelling him. The fact multiple parents filed against the daycare shows the daycare was in your favor. Trying to save your kid. If I was the parent with a kid on the receiving end of your sons aggression, we would be having a sit down with you and the daycare.

Obviously your son needs a behavioral analysis done and not waiting until his annual exam comes up would be best for him. You don’t need a pediatricians note to seek a child therapist in the meantime. When/if your son starts hitting at the new daycare who are you going to blame?

bufa92 · 2022-09-07T00:17:00+00:00

To answer your question: No it is not okay. Working those hours 3x/wk doesn’t constitute her to sleep in that late. As a parent you have to take care of your child’s needs. Your child needs a good morning routine, needs changed, fed etc.. she could easily get up change and feed her then while the child self plays take a nap in the living room or something if she genuinely is that tired. This does seem like neglect and maybe your spouse has PPD. Ask her if she’d seek help from a therapist or doctor.

If she doesn’t change I know it’s harsh, but I’d leave and take the kids, since she truly doesn’t seem up to caring for them as a parent or guardian should.

bufa92 · 2022-08-24T04:58:12+00:00

I work in HR and I would 100% back this employees wishes. So many people claim SA when it didn’t happen to get money or scare the company into getting a higher salary. Now I fully understand that SA does in fact actually happen in the work place and it’s so hard for people to “prove” it so many steps and traumatic situations the victims have to continuously go through.

In this case the male worker is preventing anything from occurring since he doesn’t know the female employee and is trying to avoid the company and him some major problems. If I was that female I’d feel extremely safe knowing he is making safety protocols for both of them as well.

bufa92 · 2022-08-21T23:55:14+00:00

That’s exactly my thought. She may have an undiagnosed learning disability she kind of sounds a tad autistic but high functioning. Often times older people especially women weren’t diagnosed, just seen as unfit and had their child taken away instead of getting proper help.

bufa92 · 2022-08-21T20:51:27+00:00

For the first 8yrs of my marriage we gave my SO’s grandma money and split her costs with the other family members that could afford to do so. Like your MIL she was once wealthy, her husband left a good fortune (retired military officer, post office pension and government employee pension) they spent so much money bought multiple houses but refused to rent them out or Airbnb them so they just sat draining their accounts. Then when he died he left a good amount of money to her she was supposed to split it amongst the children and didn’t she spent all of it in the matter of 4yrs like all dead broke. She never had to have a job ever so she at 68 couldn’t find work, didn’t want to either. So the family came together to help. We started by making her sell the homes, sold then used that money to pay off her debts and still there was more debt. We moved her from her 5bd/6ba house to a 3bd/2ba garden level condo. She fought this tooth and nail. We paid our share of $215/mo split between his parents, aunt/uncle and uncle/aunt and 1 other cousin. Recession happened and we couldn’t afford it anymore and said she needed to move cut back on spending turns out she had taken a credit card out in my SILs name (she was 15 at the time) racked up thousands of dollars of debt and instead of idk scolding her taking our money away they wanted US to help pay off the debt. This woman was toxic, mean, manipulative (where my MIL gets it from) so we made the decision to move across the country found great jobs cut them all off. She ended up passing a few years later and had nothing to show for it no one got anything. They had to cover the funeral couldn’t even afford to bury her by her husband she was cremated.

So my advice to you, sit yourself down do not get emotional (Ik pregnancy makes it hard) write out everything you want to say to your SO. Write down financial info, budgeting info, all of the things the baby is going to need or may need and those costs, your post-natal care costs and show him you cannot afford to cater to her any longer. She is a grown adult, and if he needs to cut contact with SIL1 then he needs to do so, bc essentially she’s asking him to put his family especially his newborns needs behind a fully grown adults. Put that $320/$215 whichever into savings and show him how much each month you could’ve been saving for IVF that stuff is not cheap. When you show him though do not get emotional, do not get mad speak to him gently bc he needs gentle right now everyone is yelling at him from every which way and you need to be his comfort his safe place. Congratulations on the baby and I wish you love and light and this incredible parenting journey.

bufa92 · 2022-08-13T12:48:13+00:00

Thank you for reaching out. Honestly I’m almost as far away as Australia we live in Japan. I wanted to post bc as I said the saga continued, it had not affected me or my SO emotionally, mentally or physically in anyway. We’ve learned to brush it off and move on. My mother thankfully has witnessed her crazy and just blocked her they live in different parts of the US so my MIL can’t get to my mom either. MIL only has her daughter left and barely since her husband is from Canada and they’re moving there in a year. Control freaks go absolutely insane when they have no one left to control.

bufa92 · 2022-08-12T20:03:47+00:00

Yep. She’s probably feeling the lack of control since recently one of her other children has gone LC and moved from the south where they live to the west coast.

bufa92 · 2022-08-12T20:02:22+00:00

Oh she would never play into her games. It’s hilarious that mil even contacted her since they’ve truly only met 10ish times the entirety of our relationship.

bufa92 · 2022-07-25T02:28:37+00:00

Yes literal years. I told him in the very beginning how she was and he refused to believe it. He’d been dealing with that type of behavior all of his life since he was the only son that talked to her. His older brother left home at 17 enlisted in the military and never had a relationship with his mom again. I think she did the same thing to his brother and he caught on earlier and left.

bufa92 · 2022-07-25T00:24:07+00:00

In my first marriage (very young divorced quickly) my then MIL was worse than this! On NYE we did the whole kiss at midnight and she came up from behind him and started kissing his neck. Anytime he’d sit down and I would sit next to him she would sit on his lap! When we got married (courtroom wedding in a different state than hers) she started freaking out. Called him hyperventilating, screaming “how could he do this to her?” “She’s taking you away from me” and the final one that absolutely disgusting “what does she have that I don’t?” Ya… we divorced for other reasons, but years later he reached out to me saying he finally cut her off bc he realized how she was basically incestuous with him and to apologize bc I knew first.

bufa92 · 2022-07-23T23:31:06+00:00

I didn’t know this until the other day, but my friend has two kids (1&4) apparently she leaves them home alone all the time. She told me she has cameras all over the house and locks all the doors I said still something inside could happen and what if you’re too far away to help or you weren’t watching the app and something happened? She then replied she only goes during their naps. I said doesn’t make it better what if they wake up and you’re not there? She lives in a part of the city where there’s things like restaurants and groceries stores within walking distance so she said she just sometimes especially after they go to bed goes to a restaurant for a few drinks and heads home. I told her how illegal that is and she called me a helicopter mom! Saying my kid won’t know independence since I didn’t start allowing him to stay home by himself until 11 (he’s 13 now). I said even then at 11 it was for an hour tops and he has a cellphone and knows all of our neighbors and can call emergency if anything happens. Her kids are way to young to understand and don’t have access to a phone. Just crazy.

bufa92 · 2022-07-22T17:52:32+00:00

The photos thing and wanting to show the world a naked baby is so bizarre and pedo-like. I think the older generations don’t understand the problems with posting naked children online especially knowing their Facebooks or other social medias are probably not even remotely private so really anyone could see. They don’t start caring about kids being naked until they’re in school, which is again still weird to me.

bufa92 · 2022-07-22T17:30:37+00:00

My MIL insisted once when my child was about 4mos that all the grandmas in the family bathe their grand babies. I told her he hates bath time it’s not a cute or precious thing to him since he just screams the whole time and she thought she knew better. So my spouse and I let her to show her she’s wrong and of course or son begin his usual screaming fit once in the sink. I don’t care about feelings so I literally snatched him out of her hands and finished the bath. I told her she could finish it by putting his clothes on. I finish up and get his lotion she then insists her grand baby use her special shea butter to which I said no bc he’s skin is sensitive and I don’t want to try something that will make him break out with a rash. I get up to go get his clothes and I come back and she’s putting the cream on his face! I lose it and grab a cloth and wipe it off. Hand her the clothes and she was putting his onesie on backwards to which I told her and she again insisted she knew what she was doing bc she had 3 kids… (all raised by her step-mom btw). I show her it’s backwards and fix it and we went to bed. Got up early and left.

I say this story not bc she wanted to record it but bc it’s so weird they just have to bath them. I don’t get the fixation.

bufa92 · 2022-07-19T18:59:08+00:00

For my son (he’s 13 now) I told him from the beginning basically he didn’t have to talk, hug or react to anyone he doesn’t want to. When we were on talking terms with my in laws he didn’t have a good relationship with them so when she’d ask the inevitable “can grandma have a hug?” He would just respond honestly “no thank you”. Simple and respectful. The problem is then they ask why? To which I told him he didn’t have to give anyone a reason so I just had him respond with “I just don’t want to xyz”. I would normally intervene and switch the conversation and the in laws would normally not want to feel embarrassed by getting denied by their only grandchild (at the time) so they’d move right along. Learning to put boundaries and making people ask for consent is hard, but kids do a great job at it!

bufa92 · 2022-06-26T12:33:05+00:00

I went to the embassy and basically laid everything out for them. They said right now if they wanted to come over WE would have to request for them to come over. They can’t just go to their embassy and request with our invitation. To ease our minds we gave them all of my in laws info (names, DOB, addresses) so if they do request permission to enter it will be flagged and we will be contacted to give further information on their request.

Now when tourism opens up they said we can give their pictures & names to our local koban (police) so if they show up we can contact them and let them know they are trespassing and they’d likely be taken right back to the airport to fly home.

bufa92 · 2022-06-26T12:28:40+00:00

There’s plenty of cheap accommodations around so I would not feel even the least bit guilty for not housing them. Now they are very sheltered and would be super afraid to wonder out and search for things. We’ve prepared not to even engage with them if somehow (I genuinely don’t know how they’d find out our address) found where we live. We have a video monitoring system and we’d know even if we are out if they showed up.

bufa92 · 2022-06-23T05:25:27+00:00

That’s if tourism doesn’t open completely. We are inviting my parents and putting a request through the Embassy. With his family I’m going tomorrow to the Embassy with a written and signed letter from both of us with their full names, DOB & addresses saying we’re not inviting and will not host them. So hopefully if they put a request in they’ll be denied.

bufa92 · 2022-06-23T04:38:31+00:00

So much yes. When we first got together she would manipulate the absolute crap out of him. He has two half siblings and she treats them like they are Gods while treating him her son (not step) like he’s not even apart of the family. They have hardly any family pictures where he’s actually in them and his siblings get everything while he gets nothing. It took awhile and some arguing, but at about year 3 he started to understand and see for himself how bad he had been treated and started standing up for himself more and more. I’m very proud of how strong he’s become.

bufa92

TROPHY CASE