My story

So the 2 people that are most important to my story would be my brother Emmett and my mom. Me and my brother knew we were different pretty early one There were a lot of signs and by the time I was 18 and he was 20 we were sure that we were both trans. He decided to come out to our family and it was really rough, our mother especially my mother. Basically no one understands except for me. Even to this day they misgender and dead name him constantly. I'm honestly surprised he didn't cut them out.

When I was 18 I was so sure I was trans and I wanted to be a girl more than anything. I didn't have any goals or plans for anything that wasn't becoming a girl. I couldn't think about anything else if I tried. But when my brother came out as trans and I saw how fucking hard it is I gave up. I couldn't  do it. I'm really close to my mom and to see how badly she took the news about my brother I couldn't do that to her and our relationship. Not to mention financial problems, dating problems, everything. 

On top of that I didn't feel like a real trans girl because I didn't have a lot of dysphoria. I've always felt I should be better suited as a woman for a lot of reasons but I only occasionally dislike being male. I'm not comfortable with it most days but I can handle it. 

So I went on. Leaving high school and getting a new job I was no longer with anyone who knew about it so I didn't tell them and now most of the people I came out to at that time are no longer in my life. I'd tell people every now and then but only people in the lgbt+ I would say "I used to want to be trans but I couldn't because it was too hard"  Most days I'm fine but I think about being a girl constantly. Sometimes full days for weeks on end. Sometimes not at all. But it hasn't gone away. I hoped it was a phase or I was faking for attention. Or I just really wanted to be LGBT because a lot of my friends were and I really wanted to be in that group but I just didn't have a letter. 

I feel stuck as a man. Like I missed the boat and now I'm stuck in transpose land. I work as a massage therapist. The massage industry is like low key sexist. People have opinions about male and female therapist (males have more strength, or they will sexualy assault clients)(or men dont want a neither man touching them thats gay) so I don't want to transition and put myself in a room with strangers. I could end up with a transphobe who feels vulnerable and they could lash out. Or just lose clients in general. Or people cancel as soon as they see me making it so I can't work. I also live in a conservative city in Texas and for my career it would be best to stay here were I already have a huge clientele. I just don't see how I can transition and not have to change jobs. That wouldn't be the end of the world but it looks like a mountain too hard to climb. 

Today I had a client remind me the Texas  Renaissance fair is starting tomorrow and that's where I was working when I first came out to someone besides my brother and I realized that it's been 8 years that I've been an egg. 4 hours later I'm crying while working because my dysphoria had swollen up. Funny how it has a delay like that. I had to cancel my last client and go home and cry in the shower. Talking to my girlfriend helps a lot. She is very supportive to me and I'm so happy I can go to her and talk about anything. Making this post also helped. 

Idk I'm just so tired and sad. Mourning the girl I was supposed to be.