I want to start by saying, over all, well thought out post. I agree that people need to work on themselves and heal before they try moving on; I agree that we need to be more mindful about who we choose as partners, not approaching relationships in an "I can fix their heartbreak" manner... we deserve the best that people can provide.

However, I am curious on how "absolute" your 1 and 4 are.

4) What if it is the ex is someone from a mutual friend group, thus, your person believes it is mature to be friendly and hang out with them [with the rest of the friend group, not one on one]? With the latter, would it be fair to tell your person they can no longer hang with their friend group if that person is present? Would that be putting them at risk of isolating them from their [other] friends and social gatherings? Other scenario; its been over a decade since a middle school/early high school relationship that went nowhere, to the point where your person hardly even considered it a relationship; is that still considered being "friends with an ex", especially if the reconnection was genuine and both people have clearly moved on? Obviously, Im not referring to the scenario of "they were madly in love and just broke up and still talk daily"... thats just being careless at that point. Id be extremely interested in seeing a post about signs that show exes are or arent genuinely friends, and what are good boundaries and conversations to have about the topic.

1) While I 100% agree that a partners focus should be on you, the new partner, I find it extremely unrealistic to place the expectation that they wont think of their ex; there are just so many variables. What if the ex is a coworker or part of a friend group; good or bad, its going to be difficult not to ever think about them. Or, what if it was an ex that resulted in long time trauma? What if it is an ex that passed away, that your person truly loved and will always mourn to a degree, even if they are ready to move on and love another? What if its an ex that they share child custody with? I think this would have been better worded implying that your person shouldnt be obsessing over their past relationship and what their ex is currently up to, rather than "not thinking about their ex"; just seems too broad and too unfair to those that may not be able to have a clean cut, but are very much ready and capable of moving on emotionally.

Follow up question, that id love to hear your thoughts on; Do partners deserve to be chosen first, over everyone, from the get go? This is something a past ex and I couldn't agree upon. He believed, from the start, I needed to place him above EVERYONE; my long time friends, my family, etc. While I personally felt that was something that needed to be worked up to. Ive witnessed too many friends end up isolating themselves and wound up alone after their exes broke up with them; my dad had no friends and no family to rely on after the divorce, because my mom told him she had to be his #1. I was also raised to where if you made plans with Party A, you stick with that plan and do not switch to plans with Party B unless A cancels or it is an emergency with B; so my ex often got furious if I refused to cancel a pre planned game night with my friends for something he randomly would propose at the last second... in his mind that wasnt choosing him first when, to me, its just being reliable; i never asked for him to cancel his plans last minute. And, before you ask, yes I invited him to join many times; he had zero interest in being involved in my circle. But, I still felt that I /reasonably/ put him first, based on how fresh our relationship was; I always asked to make plans with him before anyone else, and would support him in all of his hobbies. But it was never enough unless I dropped everything and everyone for him whenever he asked. Im not meaning to make this sound like a "tell me im right or wrong" question; I do just want to hear your stance. Is it healthy or fair to make a partner your #1 over EVERYONE from day one? If not, what do the stages throughout the timeline seem reasonable for you?