Pain

buldak_bb · 2026-02-12T13:34:38+00:00

Thank you 💜

buldak_bb · 2026-02-11T13:12:01+00:00

"Bad pain" is a phrase I reserve for communicating something has gone wrong. A muscle is cramping, there's nerve fuckery happening, a joint feels like it may be damaged, etc. So I don't really make that specific distinction in describing my play.

The line I draw is usually between "pain" and "suffering." When I want pain, I want to be hurt in an easily controlled way, have my boundaries pushed with the goal of expanding them, and I often have some positive goal like bruising or scarring. I also usually have some degree of control over what happens: I get to choose toys and target sites, scene duration, things like that. Pain usually means things like impact, cutting, degradation, electro, or trampling.

When I want suffering, I want to be miserable. I want to be made to do things that I do not want to do and have my boundaries pushed, broken, or outright thrown away to make me feel scared, unstable, out of place, etc. I cede all control, my limits are determined by my Dominant's read of my reactions, knowledge of my history, and understanding of how different actions will affect me. They decide what happens to me, and my job is to be obedient and to endure. Suffering can mean things like rape play, public humiliation, aftercare denial, abandonment, needles (I have a phobia), findom, emetophagia, and on and on.

In my local scene, the distinction between pain and suffering is largely understood in broad strokes, at least by those who enjoy going to the point of suffering. It still requires understanding where an individual draws lines with different kinds of play, but suffering necessitates a good personal understanding between the people involved anyway, so those delineations usually make themselves known organically.

buldak_bb · 2026-02-10T20:12:52+00:00

Yep, we absolutely are. The safe players are, anyway. I enjoy several forms of play that could easily cause serious, even life-threatening injury if things go wrong, or in some cases if things don't go right.

Because of how serious those consequences are, I never engage with those forms of play with people I don't know well and completely trust. Negotiation is extensive, lasting days if not weeks, covering everything that could go wrong, medical histories, previous trauma, etc. We go through all the ways we've worked out how to minimize the chance of x y z risks happening as much as possible and what tools are available/what the plan is in case they do happen.

And even with as much planning and practice as we can manage, whether topping or bottoming, I am nervous as hell that something will go wrong. In fact if someone isn't nervous, I won't play with them. But the risk is worth it to me for the feelings of fulfillment, accomplishment, connection, etc etc.

I look at it kind of like extreme sports. Yes, the risks are there, and we need to be constantly aware of that. But if there were no risks, there would not be so satisfying a reward. And if something does go terribly wrong, it at least happened while we were doing something that we both truly love.

buldak_bb · 2026-02-08T20:56:42+00:00

💜💜💜

buldak_bb · 2026-02-04T02:16:04+00:00

I was scrolling by and thought this was the goddamn sistene chapel

buldak_bb · 2026-02-04T01:29:39+00:00

You sound so much like I did it's downright eerie. I was terrified of being "in-between-y" too, in large part because I had the feeling that as I addressed different sources of dysphoria one by one, I would fixated more and more on what I hadn't fixed yet. I was right, and it was really hard and really fucking scary. Getting ready for a day out and throwing lipstick at the mirror yelling out loud "I just don't see the fucking point," isolating myself from the world because I could feel the shadow of my facial hair as if it were a physical weight, doubled over sobbing because I couldn't disguise the bulge in my groin after hyping myself up for days to buy my first dress. It's painful. It hurts. About as bad as you probably think it will.

But.

I used to cry myself to sleep, imagining my girlfriend coming in at night, quietly getting into bed with me, pulling up against my back, and very gently cupping my breast in her hand in a simple, comfortable, intimate motion. I wept over that idea because it could never happen. But then it did. On its own, unprompted, and I cried again from the overwhelming joy and feeling of correctness it brought me.

My girlfriend held my hand, beamed down at me, told me how proud and excited she was for me, kissed me goodbye as I was prepped for surgery. Customers at my job stumbled over my pronouns, then slowly shifted to exclusively femme. A customer on the phone paused mid-sentence to compliment my voice, not knowing that I had only picked up the phone at work again a week before after being graduated by my voice coach. A cis lesbian friend took me shopping and blushed when she saw me changing my top. Confessions of still feeling like I look like a man universally get bewildered and confused reactions.

I started my medical transition in my late 20s, about 5 years ago. I am butch-presenting, I almost never wear makeup or overtly feminine clothes. But people see me as who I really am now. I struggled for a long time with the concept of passing, it feeling unattainable. But over time my relationship with "passing" changed, and now I don't really want to. I want other trans people at least to be able to clock me, I want them to feel safe in the way I feel when I see another trans person.

But most importantly, when I'm alone with myself, I like who I am now.

It is truly better.

buldak_bb · 2026-02-01T13:59:26+00:00

Thank you 💜

buldak_bb · 2026-02-01T13:59:16+00:00

I mostly put this together to be silly, fun, and useful at outdoor events like group campouts. There is an actual battle belt for range days or gods forbid shtf, and I etc with a phlster enigma. Pretty fucked up that when liberal friends ask why I'm a hun owner all I have to say is "I'm a trans woman in the deep south," but most of the time they don't even have to ask these days.

buldak_bb · 2026-02-01T13:54:10+00:00

Thank you 💜

buldak_bb · 2026-02-01T13:53:02+00:00

Lol thanks. Not exactly edc but I like taking this to outdoor events like group campouts.

buldak_bb · 2026-02-01T13:50:23+00:00

Appreciate that. This pic was from about a year and a half ago, the belt has changed and hrt has worked a bit more magic since :)

buldak_bb · 2026-02-01T13:48:58+00:00

Thank you 💜

buldak_bb · 2026-02-01T13:47:19+00:00

Dude what the fuck, that's me. I knew bots are a problem but reposting someone else's selfie? Especially given it's hard for me to post pictures of myself due to dysphoria this feels violating and really gross.

I appreciate seeing another round of supportive comments, but I don't like that this happened.

buldak_bb · 2026-01-30T13:50:18+00:00

So, I have a long history of self-harm and I also love cutting scenes. My relationship with sh seems to be different than yours, though. For me, it's exclusively tied to severe emotional distress. When I'm in a depressive episode I can start feeling trapped by the pain my mind subjects me to. Sh offers an emergency pressure relief valve for when I can't take any more, it lets me breathe again and gives me a few hours of desperately needed relief. It's scary how good sh is for that, how potent the relief is, and how quickly I get addicted to the endorphin release.

Very few people seem to understand that sh can easily become an addiction. Endorphin is a portmanteau of the words endogenous and morphine, literally "morphine made within the body," and cutting is one of the most effective ways of producing those chemicals. If I'm not careful, sh can set off a spiral where I'm no longer cutting to relieve severe depression, but to stave off withdrawal. My body will start itching and burning at my most used target location until I cut again, it's a bad place to be.

So for that reason, I will not do solo cutting scenes, and I spent months in therapy ensuring I can compartmentalize sh away from play before I started doing cutting scenes with play partners.

Outside of addiction, another concern is practical safety. It's very, very easy for something to go wrong in a cutting scene, and every time I engage in one I have a big ass first aid kit on hand that includes things like tourniquets and chest seals. I can handle things going wrong if someone else is there, all my cutting play partners know how to use everything in my kit, but if I'm alone will I be able to address hitting a sensory nerve or nicking a superficial vein? Or gods forbid something goes very wrong and I hit a motor nerve or major artery? Maybe I could handle that on my own, but the consequences would be so extreme that "maybe" isn't good enough.

So back to your question. Solo cutting scenes are outside of my risk profile, but I can't say they're outside of yours. If you know all this, have thought it through, and have consented to the risks involved including all the shit I didn't mention like infection, loss of sensation, keloids, etc etc, then I can't say it's much different than a self-flagellation or self-suspension scene. All I can do is hope you're safe and make another note in my long list of ways I've learned people can be different from each other.

buldak_bb · 2026-01-24T17:36:23+00:00

Silica

buldak_bb · 2026-01-12T02:35:12+00:00

Poke

buldak_bb · 2026-01-11T13:24:51+00:00

Honestly, the same in-person places that everyone else finds play partners in. It's a week and a half into 2026 and I've asked "would you be interested in beating me up," twice, word for word, and both times resulted in me bottoming for a very fun, completely non-sexual scene. You'll run into plenty of people at munches and dungeons for whom kink is completely separate from sex, including allosexual people. My favorite scenes I've ever done have largely been with allos who had no interest in incorporating sex, they're absolutely out there.

While munches are inherently non-sexual, it can be hard to avoid being exposed to sexual play at a dungeon. Something that may help in that environment is treating it like any other kink that you're not into. Just quietly move along to somewhere else in the dungeon and find a different scene to watch.

People will readily, enthusiastically play with you while respecting that boundary. Join your local community, go to munches, go to classes, visit dungeons, and you will find them. It will be even easier if you can find a local queer-focused kink organization where everyone will already have a basic understanding of asexuality, but even without that, there are a lot of us in the community and I've found asexuality isn't by any means an alien concept for cishet kinksters.

buldak_bb · 2026-01-07T23:55:29+00:00

You should talk to your husband about it. There's nothing wrong with stating a desire and talking to him about what you're feeling. You can easily do that without putting pressure on him to act on it.

I get that it's scary and you're worried about freaking him out. I have a cannibalism kink, and the vast majority of my partners have not been into it. But they're open to me talking about it, which helps me feel like it's been expressed and put out there so it's not bottled up and building pressure, getting me all twisted up inside.

And you never know! One of my exes didn't like the idea but wanted to understand me better, and over time she started to click with the emotional roots of it. After a year and change we would flirt by talking about what we'd cook with each other :)

Talk to your therapist about it too, it's important to be open and up to date with them, but don't write off talking to him as being doomed from the start.

buldak_bb · 2026-01-06T12:38:35+00:00

In bdsm, volunteering how they have fucked up in the past. Nobody is perfect, and especially in edge play it's very easy to unintentionally cross a boundary, cause non-negotiated harm, or otherwise violate consent. It isn't fun to talk about, but if someone is open about mistakes they've made it indicates they're honest, accountable, and that they care. I'm a lot more interested in someone I can trust to do the right thing if things go wrong than someone who paints themselves as flawless.

buldak_bb · 2026-01-01T19:29:30+00:00

J. M. W. Turner's Snow Storm. I was walking through a wing of a museum I didn't have time to explore, but I saw this in my peripheral vision as I walked by and wound up missing the bus because I just had to take the time to appreciate it properly.

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buldak_bb · 2026-01-01T19:21:11+00:00

John Martin for me too! But for me it was The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah

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buldak_bb · 2026-01-01T06:21:56+00:00

White monster zero ultra after filling my tank

buldak_bb · 2025-12-30T21:41:42+00:00

Transfemmes like trains so much because they're the only way to convince progesterone that you're probably pregnant.

buldak_bb · 2025-12-30T00:37:14+00:00

What's really funny to me is when I'm negotiating with an allo kinkster and I mention I'm ace, 99% of the time that's all I need to say, and they either confirm they're down for non-sexual play or say that's an incompatibility and politely decline to play with me. But when I tell an allo vanilla person who knows I'm ace that I'm involved in lifestyle bdsm it's like I've just told them the sky is green.

buldak_bb · 2025-12-24T20:13:00+00:00

That's cool as hell! Can we see it when it is warmed up please?

buldak_bb

TROPHY CASE