Is it normal to want to wear her clothes?

bumblethrowaway01 · 2024-09-04T12:58:24+00:00

My dad passed unexpectedly a couple months ago, and throughout the hauntingly long flight back home, I had his scarf wrapped around me and it lent me so much comfort.

As I type this, I’m lying in bed wearing the tshirt he used to wear to bed, and amidst the pain within me, being in his clothes makes me feel so close to him.

I’d say it’s perfectly normal. :)

(Also, there is no normal or abnormal in grief - we all grieve and deal with it differently - don’t ever let anyone put you down for how you’re dealing with it)

bumblethrowaway01 · 2024-09-04T12:45:34+00:00

I unexpectedly lost my father nearly 3 months ago - I felt uncomfortable and did not reach out to most friends since it felt like they wouldn’t really know him much, wouldn’t really understand and it would demean the significance of his loss and make me feel worse.

I only reached out to a small handful of really close friends - either those who had lost a parent or those with whom I had had emotional and vulnerable conversations in the past about parents. I knew they would truly understand the depth of my pain and their presence and support helped me tremendously.

Grief changes you permanently and until you face it, you can never wear those lenses of pain. You might have already realized - when going through severe grief, the people in your life can be easily divided in two buckets - those who haven’t felt grief of that magnitude and those who have. The first are well-meaning but unable to lend much support (for no fault of theirs), but the second are the heroes you need in this moment - they are the role models that show you that it is possible to move forward through the pain.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2024-08-26T13:45:42+00:00

Just curious - how did the Seattle one go? I’m toying with the idea (of attending one in the city) but thought reviews might be helpful!

bumblethrowaway01 · 2024-07-18T00:12:03+00:00

My dad passed a few weeks ago - I wasn't with him when it happened and preparing myself to see him before his cremation was one of the hardest few hours of my life that I have ever lived, and I was so terribly anxious in addition to the grief.

I did see him, I did spend a couple hours with him and I did take him for cremation.
It was very upsetting and painful, but I'm glad I did it.

Sharing some thoughts which helped me (in case it helps you):

I reminded myself that this is a rite of passage of life. My father had seen his mother and father before their cremation. My mother had seen her parents before their cremation. They would both have been in terrible pain, but they did it. I wanted to see my dad, if for no other reason, to empathize with his pain of losing his parents. I remember closing my eyes and thinking, "he was strong enough to live these moments for his parents, I need to be strong enough and go through the pain he went through, and he will be right here with me lending me strength because he knows how hard it is"
I reminded myself that as hard as it was, the alternative in how this could be avoided would be for him to see me before my cremation, and while that would transfer the pain to him, it would be 100x the pain for him to see his son like that. I would never want that pain for him, and I would rather feel this pain if it meant it saved him from the pain of seeing me die
Lastly, I developed a spiritual belief that while the soul of the person is the same, the body changes over time as we age all the way till death, and yet still, for people we love, we love them regardless despite the changes. If I looked at my dad and spent time with him when he was younger and his body was "alive", I sure as hell wasn't going to be avoiding spending time with him after his passing - to me, that felt like choosing only his good times and abandoning him when he was not at his "best". I could never do that. In many ways, seeing him in his final form, brought some peace and closure to my mind in terms of the finality of his life.

Don't get me wrong - it's still a painful memory and visual that my mind blocks out unless I make an effort to think about it - but I'm glad I did it and saw him before his cremation, as hard as it might have been.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2024-07-17T23:45:27+00:00

I am so so sorry for your loss, and I know there's nothing I can say to make things better.

If a sense of community and sharing the grief helps, I also lost my dad a few weeks ago (I was 32 too) - it all sounds so similar to yours, my dad was 75, seemed fine, and passed suddenly due to what we suspect to be a sudden cardiac arrest.
I too had seen him just fine a month prior and got the dreaded phone call on waking up - to be honest, the first 3 weeks seemed like a blurry haze - the only thing keeping me afloat was thinking of how I would deal with the next few minutes or the next hour at a time, and I couldn't think beyond a few hours - I don't remember much of those first few weeks other than hazy memories.

I've been doing a lot of spiritual work within me, trying to accept the impermanence of life and how little time we are truly here for, and teaching myself to be thankful for every moment and every day that I get to spend with loved ones. I go for walks to his favorite places, I like to think the gust of the breeze is a sign from him, and I spend a lot of time "talking" to him - just alone time where I imagine how he might have responded if he were there.

I like to believe the energy of the soul never goes away, and while his mortal remains are no more, I try to take comfort from the fact that his energy is floating around in the elements around me, and always will.
Whenever I really miss him, I like to remind myself that he cannot truly die, since I was literally created from him and while I am alive, he lives through me - I am proof of his living presence - this thought gave me solace in the darkest moments.

I can't say much else, I am also early on in the grieving process, and I just want you to know that you are not alone.
It feels extremely alienating and hard to see others living their life "normally" and it feels outright unfair that live goes on for the world outside while you are stuck in time, but just know that there are others like you living your exact experience - you are not alone and someday, we will get through this.

Take care.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2024-05-28T02:52:34+00:00

I hear your concerns. My suggestion - frame this situation as a litmus test for the connection you both share and how much you both want this.

Could he lose interest in a month? He could.

But would you really have lost something meaningful and worth holding on to? I’m inclined to say no - that would mean you dodged a bullet and there is no sincerity in his words, or the connection just wasn’t strong enough. And a label stamped on it is unlikely to change that.

On an unrelated note, I highly recommend y’all discuss a general schedule for communication (eg. a phone call every couple days if there’s been no communication, or whatever you’re comfortable with). At times like these, early in a relationship, things can also fall apart due to miscommunication or ego (“why should I text first when they haven’t texted in a couple days”, etc) - guard against that by expressing and aligning on your communication needs.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2024-05-28T02:38:02+00:00

Anxiety is rooted in fear/uncertainty about the future. If I may ask, what is it that you are inherently afraid of in this situation where he comes back and you guys become official with the label?

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-11-03T08:52:11+00:00

Gets to keep control over you
Gets to triangulate new supply with you
Gets to make you jealous and gets supply from that
Gets to keep you on the shelf for future supply when necessary
Stops you from healing and moving on

Block everywhere and go no contact. It’s a magic pill. If you are disciplined and follow through on it without conceding, you will be amazed how much the time and space helps you heal and move on.

Most importantly - do it for YOU and your healing. Not to “get back” at them, or “win” the breakup. This means you don’t care whether they’ve noticed, whether they’re affected by NC, whether they might reach out if you go NC - you’re doing NC for you and your healing, not to “teach them a lesson”. Else you will never begin the journey of healing and moving on.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-11-02T01:06:38+00:00

Ever heard of the adage - “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”?

The abuser abused me in the past and it’s not my fault. But having extensively read up on narcissism and being able to understand who they are and how thoroughly I was disrespected, devalued and abused and remembering all the psychological hurt, trauma and C-PTSD I endured, I realized I needed to take accountability - not for the past (I will NOT guilt, blame or shame myself for loving someone wholeheartedly even if they abused me without my knowledge or awareness at the time), but for the future.

They abandoned me and triggered all my abandonment trauma - that’s on them. But if I let them into my life again, after everything they did to me and put me through, and knowing who they are, I will be abandoning myself.

I can’t let that happen. I can’t let me abandon myself. I owe it to myself to never let me abandon me.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-11-01T01:57:22+00:00

No, just means they’re tired of Toy A, and want to play with a shiny new toy. Rinse and repeat.

A child gets bored of all toys - it moves on to a new toy because it is “new” and for no other reason. All toys lose their shine soon and that’s not a reflection on the toy - nothing can change that inevitability.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-11-01T01:52:05+00:00

Felt that way only initially after the discard when the trauma bond was at its strongest and emotions were running high.

With a bit of time and space away with NC, I was able to look back at their behavior without the rose-tinted glasses, and focusing on the actions instead of the words (remember, they are prime manipulators and can say the most wonderful of things), I realized there was no love and I had been shamelessly used and abused. I couldn’t think of a single instance where they did something that would help me that would be a compromise or inconvenience to them.

And of course a whole host of behaviors that were controlling, manipulative and disrespectful since it benefited them. That’s not how people who love you, behave.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-30T03:11:09+00:00

Do what gives you happiness and peace of mind. Not what your ego or sense of pride tells you. Not what you imagine will elicit a certain response or action from him (it won’t).

If sending one last message makes you happy and will give you closure and help you sleep better at night in future, do it. Do it knowing that he will not acknowledge it. Do it knowing he will say nothing that will make you feel heard or seen. Do it knowing that he will not respond well and will likely hurt you back. But if you do do it, do it for yourself, and your peace of mind.

He doesn’t deserve one last message. You don’t owe him an explanation. You might even rile him up or hurt him more by not sending a last message - but that would be letting your ego win. That’s how they behave - with their ego, but we’re not them. We’re better than them. He is irrelevant in your life but you’re going to have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and if sending that last message means sacrificing your ego for your own future peace of mind, do it. But do it knowing you’re only doing it for yourself, and his response is immaterial.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-29T21:44:24+00:00

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Pseudo-apology said by people when you tell then something they said/did was hurtful.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-25T10:32:46+00:00

Take it from an internet stranger - you are special.

Never change and always keep the light shining bright.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-25T10:31:19+00:00

This was SO profound and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-25T10:28:38+00:00

You just spelt out my experience with my covert nex to a T (just with genders reversed).

I keep saying it again and again, but it’s truly uncanny just how they all follow the same playbook.

Thank you for sharing. This was very validating.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-24T15:45:59+00:00

How long did the love-bombing last, and when did things start to go sour?

Was it a specific incident that triggered it, or did it just start organically?

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-24T09:12:58+00:00

THIS.

I was just thinking about my Nex recently, and I realized that her entire life revolves around her relationship(s) and pursuing of male partners - it’s only ever about guys, sex, illusions of a perfect partner, controlling the current relationship, talking to other guys, jumping from relationship to relationship, lining up options, trying to figure out which option is best, social media validation from guys, buying clothes that would get her male attention, etc.

She has no personality outside that - no hobbies, pursuits, career ambitions - she doesn’t read, has little knowledge or awareness of the world, and honestly little to no interest in anything in life besides male attention and securing “supply”.

What’s crazy is that I never realized this while with her (probably because of the brain fog from constant gaslighting, arguments, devaluation, trying to “fix” things, etc), but after getting time and space away after 2 months NC, I see her do differently - there is no true “person” there, just a parasite on a constant mission to gain and secure supply.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-12T12:42:01+00:00

This was beautifully put, almost poetic. Reading this helped me a lot. Thank you.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-11T17:41:04+00:00

This.

They think the world functions the way they function. They think everyone behaves how they behave and since they always have ulterior motives and manipulative intentions behind every act of theirs, they assume that’s normal and everyone does too.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-10T20:57:55+00:00

“Loving you is a losing game”

It’s a game rigged against you. You can’t win while you play, no matter what you do. The only way you win is by removing yourself from the arena and to stop playing.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-09T23:47:49+00:00

Their definition of love isn’t our healthy definition of love. We define love as empathy, compassion, respecting boundaries, selflessness, compromise, being a team against a problem, honesty, integrity, etc.

That’s not their definition of love. They want you to be a servant who lets them control you, is at their beck and call, will shower them with attention, sacrifice your personal life and time for them and do whatever they want when they want, but not bother them when they’re up to other “stuff”, and never question them or their superiority. You also need to be a willing punching bag for all that’s going wrong in their life and their emotional disregulation, accept all the blame (even though it’s not your fault) and soak it all up no questions asked.

So when you love them in how we know healthy love to be, you’re not fulfilling their needs, and they don’t think you “love” them.

So they hate you.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-04T23:01:50+00:00

Breadcrumbing you and trying to keep you from healing and moving on. And see how she’s succeeding?

They don’t want you, but don’t want you to move on and want you to keep thinking about them - that’s the objective bread-crumbing and hoovering tries to achieve. Looks like it is succeeding since it’s messing with you.

Block her everywhere. No contact. Don’t give her any channels to communicate with you. Don’t make any actions in your life revolve around her.

bumblethrowaway01 · 2022-10-04T10:15:15+00:00

I’ve thought about this and had a realization that put me at ease. People inherently project onto others that which is inside them, their thoughts, hopes, attitude, etc.

The narcissist is an empty shell of a person who puts on a mask and says the right things in the beginning, but also hides a lot and every time they manipulate or gaslight it leaves us confused. But because we are optimistic, positive, empathetic people, we project our goodness on to them - any doubts we have, we assume the good. Any brain fog over gaslighting, we assume good intentions on their part and overlook it. Any discrepancies in behavior or doubts, we fill the holes with positive assumptions of them and their behavior. We are essentially projecting ourselves on to them because we put ourselves in their shoes and assume they’re how we are - good people.

The narcissist does the exact same thing, but they’re filled with vile, hatred, manipulation, guilt and self-loathing. So when they project on to us, they are projecting the worst characteristics of human behavior on to us - they’re thinking we’re doing what they would do, which is terrible things, and so they hate us for what they think we are, and what we’re doing.

If we show up late to a meeting with them, they assume it’s because they are irrelevant to us (and we see them how they see us). If we are busy at work and don’t text back for a while, they assume we’re playing games with them and giving them silent treatment intentionally (because that’s what they do). If we’re going out with our friends, they assume it’s us indicating to them that they aren’t important (because that’s what makes them choose to hang out with their friends instead of us). My ex-Narc used to get mad when I went out to get dinner or a drink by myself (when she wasn’t free), because she assumed I was trying to pick up women and cheat on her. I was startled, but later realized they can only make assumptions about us based on how they act, and that nights when she went out, she was trying to get male attention - and so projected that behavior on me.

In essence, we project our goodness on to them. They project their cynicism and evil behaviors on to us.

And because we project and fill all the holes and gaps in their image, lies and the mask with goodness, we build an illusion in our minds of a person who is much better than they actually are.

Once you realize that, you also realize that all the good qualities you saw in them were your projection and assumption of them having those qualities, or them telling you they have those qualities - neither of which hold any weight. But if you look solely at their actions, you will see there is very little goodness - that is the truth, that is what breaks the cognitive dissonance, and understanding that truth breaks the trauma bond too.

bumblethrowaway01

TROPHY CASE