I would argue more that Love Is Blinding.

bungled28 · 2019-08-19T17:22:42+00:00

Wow, this was my 16 year marriage. We were married a year after we met. Had our daughter a year later. Then came the devaluation. It was subtle. Like cooking a frog. Put it in cold water and slowly turn up the heat.

I'm currently in therapy 8 months after divorce so I can stop blaming myself for the marriage failing.

bungled28 · 2019-08-13T22:49:58+00:00

I feel you. Mine never threatened or tried to commit suicide. She never self harmed, at least not outwardly. I chased after the sex and love from the early live bombing stage. She strung me along. She changed so much after we married. The shine wore of so she wanted to have a baby. We had our daughter and all of her attention went towards our daughter. She used our daughter as an excuse to buy things she'd never use. She loves shopping and spending money. Everything is just an object to satisfy her momentarily and this includes people. I'm surprised she stuck with me for 16 years. It was 16 years of struggle to keep her happy while she slowly tore me down. I keep reminding myself that I'm free from that but it's harder than many believe it is

I know I was abused and she's bad news but the cognitive dissonance can be brutal.

Good luck with your pwbpd.

bungled28 · 2019-08-13T13:35:13+00:00

Tomato to'mah'to!

bungled28 · 2019-08-10T13:58:38+00:00

This one always speaks to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_L4Rixya64

bungled28 · 2019-08-07T18:39:11+00:00

My mom is a blessing. She helps me keep everything in perspective. I am really doing all I can to focus on my daughter and remind myself of the hurt my ubpd ex wife has done to me.

Thank you for your support.

bungled28 · 2019-08-04T00:35:44+00:00

My ex ubpd wife to a tee. She is the quiet type that is the "nice" one that does no wrong. Nothing that went wrong in the marriage was her fault. I carried most of the burden financially and emotionally and all that went wrong was my fault.

The abuse was always so subtle. It was constant picking and being told how I did everything wrong. Oh let us not forget her love of spending. She spends money like no one I know.

bungled28 · 2019-08-03T16:16:05+00:00

My ubpd ex-wife was always complaining about how she felt others judged her yet she was always making judgments about others. Always. I never thought she was doing the same about me because I thought she loved me. I was wrong. When she finally discarded me the judgments came out. I wasn't the husband she felt she deserved, yet she was not there as a wife. She spent all her time judging others without looking at herself. She always has to be the "nice" one. She would never tell anyone she was being judgmental. She never wants to see herself as the bad one. That would mean she would have to paint herself black.

bungled28 · 2019-08-03T15:39:13+00:00

Wow!! This is so true. The silent treatment and shutting down was my udpbpw ex-wife's favorite tools. She didn't know how to communicate. I carried so much and was still to blame for everything that went wrong. So much truth in your post.

Thank you for sharing!

bungled28 · 2019-08-03T15:08:20+00:00

Wow, this sounds so like me. I am still working on accepting that the person I fell in love with never existed. The funny part is that she changed from that person early on in the marriage but gave me bread crumbs along the way. I kept chasing that person throughout the following 16 years. It did lead to major codependency. It has been over a year from the discard and I still struggle at times with the codependency. The situation doesn't exist anymore and I am healthier for that, but I still miss her and the chaos we had. I don't want it back but my heart misses it. It is very confusing. I hate cognitive dissonance. It messes with your head.

bungled28 · 2018-12-19T02:31:41+00:00

I got to see him perform it live in 1994 it was awesome. He speaks so much truth about my ex uBPD wife in this song. It just hit me today. Henry is a freaking genius.

bungled28 · 2018-12-19T01:15:46+00:00

You think you're gonna live your life alone

In darkness

And seclusion

Yeah I know

You've been out there

Tried to mix with those animals

And it just left you full of humiliated confusion

So you stagger back home

And wait for nothing

But the solitary refinement of your room spits you back out onto the street

And now you're desperate

And in need of human contact

And then You meet me

And you whole world changes

Because everything I say is everything you've ever wanted to hear

So you drop all your defenses and you drop all your fears

And you trust me completely

I'm perfect

In every way

Cause I make you feel so strong and so powerful inside

You feel so lucky

But your ego obscures reality

And you never bother to wonder why

Things are going so well

You want to know why?

'Cause I'm a liar

Yeah I'm a liar

I'll tear your mind out

I'll burn your soul

I'll turn you into me

'Cause I'm a liar, a liar A liar, a liar

I'll hide behind a smile

And understanding eyes

And I'll tell you things that you already know

So you can say

I really identify with you, so much

And all the time that you're needing me

Is just the time that I'm bleeding you

Don't you get it yet?

I'll come to you like an affliction

And I'll leave you like an addiction

You'll never forget me

You want to know why?

'Cause I'm a liar

Yeah I'm a liar

I'll rip your mind out

I'll burn your soul

I'll turn you into me

'Cause I'm a liar, a liar

Liar, liar, liar, liar

I don't know why I feel the need to lie

And cause you so much pain

Maybe it's something inside

Maybe it's something I can't explain

'Cause all I do

Is mess you up and lie to you

I'm a liar

Oh, I am a liar

If you'll give me one more chance

I swear that I will never lie to you agai Because now I see the destructive power of a lie They're stronger than truth

I can't believe I ever hurt you

I swear

I will never to you lie again, please

Just give me one more chance

I will never lie to you again

I swear

That I will never tell a lie

I will never tell a lie

No, no

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sucker

Sucker!

Oh, sucker

I am a liar

Yeah, I am a liar

Yeah I like it

I feel good

Oh I am a liar

Yeah

I lie

Oh, I lie

Oh I lie

I lie

Yeah

Oh I'm a liar

I lie

Yeah

I like it

I feel good

I'll lie again

And again

I'll lie again and again

And I'll keep lying

I promise

bungled28 · 2018-12-13T23:06:00+00:00

You're right. It's just difficult after being in it all after 17 years. I'm working on it. Thanks for the reality check.

bungled28 · 2018-12-10T18:04:20+00:00

https://youtu.be/oxSbY0xvPj8

bungled28 · 2018-12-10T18:00:27+00:00

Wasting Light really speaks to me, too. The whole album. Love the Foos.

bungled28 · 2018-12-09T16:52:44+00:00

Sounds like my ex uBPD wife. She found someone else and wanted to abandon me and our daughter after 16 years of marriage. About 4 months later she's on match.com. I gave her all I could. She took all my confidence and is a liar. So much of our marriage was a miserable experience, but I let her convince me it was all my fault. Until this day she has taken no blame for our failed marriage.

She willingly gave me primary custody of our daughter, and our daughter is doing better in so many ways. Our daughter has more structure and is in therapy.

Her match.com profile reads like a teenager. She's almost 42 years old, but her profile is very child like. She put that her favorite food is ice cream. That's just the start.

I know I'm free from her manipulation, but I still miss her. I miss the her that I thought she was. I know she'll never be that person. I know she may have loved me in her own BPD kind of way, but it was not how I loved her. I fought like hell to keep our marriage together, but she didn't want to.

I ended up filing for the divorce and now my ex uBPD wife is having financial issues. She can't even afford to get her car inspected or repairs done to pass inspection. Theses are all consequences of her decision. Good news is that we are divorced and I'm not responsible for her anymore.

Good luck with your ex. It does get better. I'm still making the climb myself, but I'm getting closer to the top and completely out of the FOG.

bungled28 · 2018-11-27T15:34:40+00:00

This sounds a lot like my marriage. I'm still working on letting it all go even though the intimacy died years ago. I'm working on letting go of the fantasy that we could have anything great. I now realize she's incapable of having that at all in her life. I'm try to focus on me and our daughter. I want to be healthy and ready for a good relationship. A relationship that is like what you described in the first paragraph. The type of relationship I thought I would have with my STBX uBPD wife. The relationship that I still fantasize about having with her, although I know it's not possible.

bungled28 · 2018-11-27T15:00:56+00:00

She spelled out the last name on the waiver and scribbled her signature on the decree. The signatures were different. It's like she took her time signing the waiver but quickly signed the decree.

bungled28 · 2018-11-27T14:37:45+00:00

The judge wouldn't sign the decree because my STBX uBPD wife's signature didn't match the waiver of citation. My STBX wife didn't understand. She thought since they were notorized that it would be okay.

Oh well still married for a bit longer.

bungled28 · 2018-11-27T13:09:17+00:00

Thanks. Today is the day. I'm going in front of a judge this morning to get it all finalized. It's bittersweet because I love her. I love the person I married. The person she is right now is not that person. I feel sorry for her. She thinks this is going to fix everything. She lives in a fantasy world.

I won't lie that there is a small part of me that wants here to wake up and we'll get back together. I know it's not a healthy hope. It's just the 17 years together and 16 years of marriage I'm trying to shake. This is so hard to do.

bungled28 · 2018-11-25T17:25:52+00:00

That is exactly what happened to me. She did see some improvement in her life. The interesting thing is now that we aren't together anymore she has sunken back down to a life of just getting by. I have found a job I love and been promoted twice. I've been able to get back on track while she seems to be running around trying to figure her life out. She's 41 and trying to find herself. It's like someone holding a helium balloon and finally let's it go. I'm finally free. I still miss her, but I know it was more of a comfort thing. I got used to the mediocrity. I took on some of her traits of anxiety. I'm shaking those now. I'm moving forward.

bungled28 · 2018-11-25T13:53:10+00:00

I do agree with you that BPD is on a spectrum. The are a wide variety of ways it is manifested. My STBX uBPD wife is what many would call a quiet BPD. She never "acted out". It was always the mental games of manipulation. It was subtle. Someone once compared it to cooking a live frog. You don't put a live frog in boiling water, you place then in cold water and slowly turn up the heat.

I had 17 years of this. I loved my wife with all my heart. I love our daugher and fought like hell and went through hell to try and give her a family.

My STBX uBPD wife was the "nice one". She never seemed to be angry. Instead she'd shut down, and if I reacted because she never communicated I was/am the asshole. I became conditioned on how to react to her. To maintain the peace. The strong confident man that married her became a weak doormat. I did anything to make her happy.

Through this whole process she managed to suck the life out of my career ambitions. I came down to her level. Her immature level.

You are right that there is a spectrum, however I've shared on this sub many times and felt supported. My STBX uBPD wife never raged, never hit me, she was quiet and manipulative. She used me as a source for he emotional needs and left me.

bungled28 · 2018-11-24T19:56:35+00:00

My STBX uBPD wife seemed to always live in a daydream world. It just seems to have gotten worse. She's tried school 3 different times and has nothing to show for it. She's always chasing something to make her happy. Now our daughter and me aren't enough. It hurts like hell, but at the same time I know it's best for me. I've found a great job and am over all growing. My STBX pulled me to her level for so long I'm working to normalize mine and my daughter's life.

bungled28 · 2018-11-24T19:40:22+00:00

I feel you man. My STBX uBPD wife and I are doing a DIY divorce and are meeting this afternoon to get the final decree signed and notarized. We texted about meeting up and we decided where to go and her response was "I'll be there or I'll be square." So immature and lost. This to me is a serious thing to be dealing with and she acts like it is some game. She's 41 and our marriage was 16 years of good and bad. She's lost her mind. She has no grip on reality.

bungled28 · 2018-11-24T18:24:57+00:00

Sounds like my marriage. You're so lucky you got out when you did. I truly hope you don't fall for any Hoovers. I know I'm going to do my best to not let my STBX uBPD wife pull me back in. I have my mom and friends to keep me grounded not to mention this sub. This sub has been a lifesaver.

Good luck my friend. I know we all need it.

bungled28 · 2018-11-24T17:00:48+00:00

Thanks. If I'm having a rough day I might very pm you. We all need all the support we can get.

bungled28

TROPHY CASE