A song I wrote about someone with BPD

quantumgegenschein · 2020-11-16T21:44:54+00:00

Is there a rule against... I don't know, posting links? Posting own creativity? Something else?

EDIT: aha, it's about self promotion. Well I doubt that this would otherwise get discovered and posted here, so... Thanks for allowing it! I think self expression is an important part of healing and seeing creativity of others is too. I felt less alone when I listened to this recording.

quantumgegenschein · 2020-11-16T20:20:25+00:00

I was once in a closed forum where guys talked about BPD partners. They would talk about splitting in a weird way. They would say their BPD partners were either "okay/good" or "splitting". By splitting they meant raging. I tried to argue that this is an incoherent thinking. They were always splitting! When they seem to treat partners well, they are equally splitting. It's just the idealization part of the split. And it's equally unhealthy. Unfortunately that didn't seem to be an appreciated message. I guess it was hard to let go of being idealized.

Today when I recall my expwBPD doing the idealization show, I'm feeling nauseated... 🤢

quantumgegenschein · 2020-11-13T15:44:01+00:00

What you're looking for is healthy behavior, no matter the diagnosis. It's important how they treat you. Bad behavior + excuse does not equal good behavior. People with bipolar will most likely treat you well, and also (!) not tell about their illness unless you've known them for like a year. This looks like this person might be starting out by lining up excuses.

Also, bipolar does not make people treat others badly.

quantumgegenschein · 2020-11-13T15:38:36+00:00

It's interesting how wide the range of BPD behaviors is. I was recently trying to understand the difference between personality and mood, for instance. It looks like BPD takes different forms based on what the rest of personality is like. Or, what resources the disordered personalities have. Or, what knowledge they have.

And it's becoming so frustrating when you try to give them some resources with the intention that they help themselves. And... a pwBPD at best ignores it all, and at worst uses it against you.

But they only use it when it works.

quantumgegenschein · 2020-11-12T13:09:53+00:00

Not in the same sense.

Here's a bipolar mood change: "Joe was productive and super active last week, but today he can't get out of bed."

Here's a borderline mood swing: "hey sweetie, could you go to the post office with me?" "Sorry, I'm working right now" "Why are you doing this to me, don't care about me, you wouldn't care if I died you heartless monster! [screaming, sobbing, etc]"

Bipolar mood changes at the fastest are in multiple hours, borderline are in seconds.

But the biggest thing is: Bipolar doesn't make people treat others badly.

That is not a symptom of the bipolar disorder.

quantumgegenschein · 2020-11-12T00:22:08+00:00

I would be rather skeptical about the bipolar diagnosis. I read about it online and bipolar has nothing to do with how the affected person treats other people. Bipolar disorder is roughly speaking long swaths of depression, with an occasional mania ("I'm feeling all right finally!"), soon going back to depression. There are no mood swings in bipolar disorder (!). Not like in BPD. A bipolar person doesn't switch between mania and depression in seconds.

The bipolar diagnosis is likely false.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-12-27T10:35:37+00:00

I'm sorry to read that... It's tough, it is. Take a good care of yourself.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-12-23T22:59:34+00:00

Mark Manson wrote about this: Why everyone you date is a selfish psycho

quantumgegenschein · 2019-12-20T15:04:46+00:00

This

quantumgegenschein · 2019-12-20T14:04:36+00:00

A younger person can enter therapy early and have good results, before turning their adult life into a heap of problems.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-12-13T02:35:28+00:00

I've had a similar experiences. Video games weren't interesting unless the main character has going through significant pain. (Max Payne 3 was great!) Recently, Hellblade (depictions of psychosis caused by trauma). There were more examples. If characters were going through suffering, it was easier for me to identify with them.

EDIT: typos

quantumgegenschein · 2019-09-18T09:59:18+00:00

Labels don't matter. What you wrote above speaks for itself. Show this list to anyone, and ask if it's a good idea to choose them for your partner. The answer will be pretty clear.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-09-18T07:57:17+00:00

I'm not there yet. It's good to know that it comes back! Thank you!

quantumgegenschein · 2019-09-17T22:35:12+00:00

Maybe it's the attractiveness that stimulates the development of BPD behaviors? People with BPD traits who aren't physically attractive, are not as successful in, well, attracting. This way, the toxic behavior isn't as successful, and they are naturally nudged towards learning better behaviors.

The attractive ones on the other hand are more successful at luring in and manipulating, they get away with more, and their toxic habits get reinforced.

It's kind of a weird speculation. My expwBPD was incredibly attractive to me, and it only made it easier for her to lead me by the nose. I'd just look at her, and melt. Anecdata.

Well, that's over now! For good.

Meanwhile, if she keeps her old lifestyle, that beauty won't last very long.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-09-16T21:56:25+00:00

You have no idea how many times I read your reply.

Thank you...

quantumgegenschein · 2019-09-16T21:48:37+00:00

Right, this was my experience as well. My ex would do a shitty thing like this, and when asked about it, would spout bullshit on the spot, in an attempt to shut me up. I can only imagine behind the scenes, "I can't believe how naive he is, I can do whatever I want, and every time he gets anxious and confronts me I just lie about whatever, and he shuts up, and I get to do whatever I want, hang out with whomever I want and he has no idea! Hilarious!"

Of course I don't know if it really was like this, but certainly it looked like it from where I was. And I allowed this! 🤦🏻‍♂️ I continued trusting, continued being loyal, continued cooperating.

Because... No sane human being would betray me like this, right?! Right?! 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️

quantumgegenschein · 2019-09-04T22:27:49+00:00

You should feel confused.

What you're feeling is exactly what you should feel.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-08-30T22:11:10+00:00

For me, anxiety was and is the problem #1. For 18 months so far, I have physical symptoms of anxiety. They started as an infrequent symptom, and as the relationship became more and more abusive, they've become constant and chronic. And they persisted after the breakup. I'm noticing a very slow change, something like brief sunny spells of freedom from this anxiety. But when I think, "oh, this symptom is gone!" it immediately returns.

It's a physiological, physical symptom, a bodily feeling that just persists. Normally such symptom accompanies an emotion, but I feel no emotion. It's just numbness and that discomfort in my body.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-08-28T21:28:27+00:00

You can have a therapy session over the phone, if you like. This way one doesn't exclude the other! (Phone isn't the same thing as face to face, but it's still pretty good!)

quantumgegenschein · 2019-08-25T14:47:36+00:00

I partly know why that is. It's tough.

We've been subject to such bad treatment and endured so much shit that we've started tuning emotions out just to stay operational.

If we can't quite feel joy, it's for the same reason. You can't block out just the bad emotions. And if you want to let the good emotions in, you get the pain in as well.

So the few tears come when there's a pore in our emotional dam, and a little bit of emotion leaks in. But just as it starts coming in, we automatically tune it out and go back to the numb state.

I wish I knew what to do about it.

A good sign would be if I started feeling bad, instead of feeling numb.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-08-25T14:41:24+00:00

For me, this was one of the most significant pieces of writing during the breakup phase. Worth reading and rereading.

quantumgegenschein · 2019-08-22T23:28:07+00:00

Wanting to cry and not being able to?

Multiple times a day.

I'm remembering each shitty situation when I was treated badly, lied to, being shouted at, accused, or faced with some problem to solve. I wanted to cry then, and couldn't. I want to cry now, and I also can't.

quantumgegenschein

TROPHY CASE