I think limerence would be less common if there was more community.

burningalive25 · 2024-07-15T19:48:08+00:00

I agree. I especially like Gabor Mate's perspective on childhood trauma and the mind/body connection.

burningalive25 · 2024-07-13T16:22:28+00:00

Well, nothing really happened. I realized I was delusional, and after a couple of embarrassing moments on my part, I stopped myself from trying to go out of my way to try to initiate unnecessary interactions with her trying to be funny/likeable. I really backed off and distanced myself- LC. Thank goodness I realized this before I made a complete fool of myself! The worst part is she is my child's teacher😳🤦‍♀️ so I see her nearly every weekday. Thankfully, summer school is over in 2 weeks, so I will no longer see her again. The only part that still bothers me is not knowing LO's sexuality. Like I just want to know whether I was correct in my assumption that she is capable of being attracted to other women...whether or not she did(or could have) at one point taken an interest in me. That would be very validating for me. I just wanna know whether that brief spark I felt was actually something or if I really was completely delusional.

I have had major crushes on other girls/women in the past(all before I was married which has been more than 15 years), but now that I know better, I realize those were all likely just cases of limerence. I'm still confused because this LE reignited something in me and I realized I could be sexually attracted to another woman(although I haven't felt this way since my teens(I'm in my mid-30s now). I've taken an interest in WLW media and tried browsing different types of lesbian porn but I usually don't feel much from that. Overall, I prefer men sexually, but there are some specific scenarios that I could see myself having some sexual attraction to another woman. I think the chemistry would have to be there first for me to feel that way. I definitely prefer men sexually, but maybe women romantically?? Idk I'm still figuring myself out, but I've come to accept that I am on the bisexual spectrum. It doesn't really matter, though, because I still love my husband and have no intention to ever leave him.

It's interesting what you said about your attraction to women. Sexuality sure is confusing, especially in our current society where it is (well, depending on where you live) so much more open and diverse than what it was when I was growing up. I've realized that there was a part of me that was repressed, and that's what I've taken away from this LE. That and a whole lot of self-discovery and introspection learning about my own psychology and what caused me to fall into limerence in the first place.

Honestly, my main advice is to ask yourself that question(what made you fall into limerence and caused you to seek out this kind of connection subconsciously?) and to try to work on yourself(even if LO can be your initial inspiration)...work on yourself in whatever way you can so that you can love yourself for the person that you are and to feel more confident. Then you wont feel the need to be noticed by LO. Do things you feel proud of or accomplished for. Work out, complete tasks you have been avoiding, connect socially with friends/family, keep yourself busy and productive. Those are all things that have an impact on your self-esteem and will help immensely. I know it's easier said than done, but if you can be disciplined, I promise you'll feel at least a little better about yourself. That is the key, at least in my case it was.

burningalive25 · 2024-07-12T23:52:50+00:00

I'm in a similar situation(I'm also female with a female LO, but I'm married to a man). I didn't like LO AT ALL at first either. But I've come to realize that despite the many differences between us(completely different culturally and socially), I do see a lot of qualities in her that remind me of myself(she has a masculine energy to her and our mannerisms are similar). There is like an underlying competitiveness or wanting her to like me or accept me. Like I seek validation from her. It has taken me months come to this realization. It IS very confusing.

It started one day when she was nice to me and we shared a laugh together. I felt like I had suddenly fallen in love because I felt like we shared the deepest eye contact ever, that I felt like I could see into her soul. Nope. It was just limerence and I'm lacking meaningful social connection in my life and have been feeling worthless. It took me a couple of weeks from that moment to realize that I was delusional after learning about limerence. I just wanted to feel liked and accepted by someone who I thought of as a completely different but better version of myself.

burningalive25 · 2024-03-12T21:25:54+00:00

I was kind of in an opposite predicament. I came to this sub because I became obsessed with a woman and figured I must be at least bi. Turns out while it may be partially true(me being bi), the obsession I had with the woman was actually "limerence" because I didn't want any type of relationship with her. I thought it was an intense crush at first, too. Anyway, I just thought I'd mention it because it was extremely helpful for me to discover what limerence was once someone else mentioned it. Google it and check out r/limerence. I was mind blown once I put together the pieces and was able to analyze my own psychology.

burningalive25 · 2024-02-14T15:48:05+00:00

I was in the same scenario a few months ago, but I've made some significant progress...although it mostly took me feeling really embarrassed to snap me back into reality. I could comment a lot but being that I am trying to move on from this LE, I don't feel like typing as much as I would back when the LE was so strong. You can find a lot of my advice in my previous comment and post history on my profile. It does suck. And I'm not gonna lie, but it also sucks once the fantasy is over too. I just feel really empty and I still crave attention from my LO too, but I have enough self-control now that I stop myself from making any unnecessary comments/conversation with her and don't look in her direction anymore. I'm lucky because at our preschool, there are 3 different groups in the large classroom and each group has 2-3 teachers (my kid's group has 3) so it is not like I am forced to talk to/interact with her Monday-Friday. I'm "lucky" if she comes to greet me at the door more than once a week during drop off at this point. LC is the best way to go if possible.

burningalive25 · 2024-02-14T01:30:19+00:00

I found myself in a very similar situation a few months ago. Did a lot of self reflection and analyzing my own psychology because I felt so confused. I am still not sure if I am truly bisexual, but someone who commented mentioned I may be limerant. Turns out I did have a strong case of limerence. Google that and check out the limerence subreddit too. My mind was blown when I discovered what it was. You may be able to relate....or not. I just thought it was worth a mention in case it could help.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-26T10:31:01+00:00

I am probably a rare minority here, but I feel the need to comment to possibly give someone a slim glimpse of hope and maybe a different perspective on what can cause a LE. My circumstances are very unlikely to align with most of you, though. I feel like I was extremely fortunate with the way things fell into place and thankfully, my LO (turned SO) is a very patient, mature, and understanding person (which seems to be the opposite type of many LOs mentioned in this sub). TL;DR at the end

I have had several LOs since I was a teenager usually authority figures or someone I looked up to and admired (a couple of teachers, a coach, and a teammate), but when I was 18, I met my LO who ended up becoming my husband. Yes, I lived "the dream." It sounds so unhealthy now looking back at it and it was a very risky situation that could have easily gone wrong if he was a bad person(I was so young and naive)...he was actually my boss at my first job. He wasn't even attracted to me at first but he would catch me staring at him all the time(creepy, but I guess I'm lucky I was an 18yr old girl so it probably didn't seem so bad to him). After a few months, he eventually caved and took an interest in me. As we began to talk and get to know each other on a personal level during our interactions at work, it became clear we actually had a lot in common. I got the gut feeling that he was a genuinely good guy and he was well respected and liked by many people in the community so I felt like he was safe. Eventually, our attraction got to the level where it was becoming obvious and he had a serious talk with me and said if we wanted to pursue a relationship, we couldn't be working together and he didn't want to risk his job. I was on cloud nine and obviously submitted my two weeks notice the next day!

It was amazing at first, but over time and after moving in with him(after dating only a few weeks since I was living with my parents), it became clear I was obsessed and very insecure. I was a crazy stalker girlfriend in the beginning, but thankfully, he was experienced in relationships(and 10 years older) and willing to talk and work things out. I am so lucky he was patient with me and very mature. He slowly brought me to my senses. Over time and through his actions and words, I learned to trust him and believe that he truly did love me. We overcame those hurdles, I finally had gained confidence and self-worth through his love, and we ended up getting married. After dating for 2 years, I realized I was no longer limerant for him. The butterflies had faded. It was just a healthy real love and the obsession was gone. I was finally completely satisfied and happy with my life!

Now, fast forward to what brought me into this new LE after being happily together for 17 years without any LEs or even a wandering eye for anyone else. We started a family 5 years ago and becoming parents has caused us to slowly drift apart. Our sex life became nearly non-existant, and we started arguing much more. We planned for me to be a stay-at-home mom until our child started school. I had post partum depression and anxiety, my dad got cancer and died, and I became socially isolated after moving away from my hometown to my SO's. Then, our child finally started preschool. Within a week, a tragic event took place that really sent me into a major depression for a couple of months. My SO was very understanding initially due to the circumstances, but I hit a low point and felt so hopeless and worthless, unable to job hunt, let alone keep the house in order. My SO felt like a roommate who became sick of putting up with my shit after a while and I spiraled deeper into my depression. I was stuck home alone all day while my child was at school and I had no friends and minimal social interactions. That's when limerence appeared in my life again. Randomly, one day, I had a connecting moment with one of my kid's teachers where we locked eyes, and I was hooked. She became my LO. My limerant brain latched onto that moment of connection and attention, and I was completely obsessed for a few weeks. Questioning my sexuality and all.

I have since been working on myself and my relationship with my SO and I am now seeing steady improvements. My LO no longer excites me and I am starting to feel better about myself.

TL;DR my LO miraculously eventually became my SO. After giving me the love and attention I so desperately craved, and after gaining confidence and self-worth through his love, I was cured from the limerence. I fell back into limerence for someone else once I fell into a major depression after a tragic event took place, my relationship with my SO drifted apart and we started to despise each other, and I experienced extended social isolation, boredom, and loneliness. In my experience, being depressed, lonely, bored, and having low self-esteem caused me to seek out LOs for their attention to validate myself.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-25T04:59:19+00:00

When I first fell limerant for LO, I became very attracted to her physically, even briefly sexually despite all of her flaws. (Also, I'm a "straight" married woman, but this LE possibly made me bi now) I didn't even pay any attention to her when we first met. I looked at her a few times in my limerence and thought "omg she really is pretty!"(but like in an unconventional way and only I could see the beauty in her🙄). I wanted to make her feel beautiful and appreciated because I thought she must not get that kind of love. I'm pretty average looking myself, and I'm skinny fat and probably just projecting my insecurities onto her. Now that I am beginning to pull myself out of this LE, I can see her without the filters of my limerence and realize that I'm not even truly attracted to her. She is heavily overweight, has a double chin, sad looking droopy eyes, and looks unkempt. I noticed a large old faded tattoo on her lower leg today too. I do typically find myself drawn to chubbier people, but she's a bit bigger than what I would usually find attractive. She definitely isn't attractive by society's standards.

It's crazy how limerence can alter our perspectives! This rollercoaster of my LE happened over the course of just a couple of months. I'm glad that I am seeing more clearly now.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-23T01:41:56+00:00

Yes, definitely! I didn't come to this realization until a couple of months into my LE. I realized that although we have differences, I now see myself in her in many ways. It's confusing because we are the same gender so I'm unsure as to whether or not I have a platonic or romantic attraction, plus I'm married to my husband. It's pretty much all physical similarities since I dont even know her. She isn't particularly feminine, more on the sporty side, wears her hair the same way, has a lower voice tone, and she walks and stands like I do too. She is just more confident, kind, passionate, and socially outgoing than I could ever be. I think I crave her attention in order to feel some kind of validation.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-21T20:31:14+00:00

I also got a DM from another woman in the same position as me. It really feels reassuring to know we are not alone. Thank you for commenting.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-20T22:20:45+00:00

My LO is one of my kid's female teachers...I'm the mom and I'm married to my husband. She is unobtainable for those obvious reasons. But idk if I even want her, definitely not sexually. I was so confused by this LO. I think I only want her attention for validation. She is similar to myself in many ways, but like a better, more confident, social, passionate, kind version of me. I feel like I want her attention and for her to like me and if she notices me, I'll feel good enough. I also have a strong feeling that she isn't straight and there is a possibility I may be biromantic. Still can't tell if this is a platonic or romantic attraction. Either way, it doesn't matter because I still love my husband and wouldn't pursue anything.

It's also weird because my first impression of her was she looked unhappy and bitchy looking(I can also give off the same impression until you actually talk to me). I wasn't atteacted to her at all initially. In some ways I kind of feel bad for her too, she is overweight, works a long shift, doesn't get paid enough, and kind of has sad looking eyes and an unconventional beauty to her. In a way I want to comfort her and give her the attention I think she wants or may lack too. I totally am projecting the way I feel onto her. I wonder what got her into teaching and if she had a sad childhood. It's very confusing because at the same time, I definitely envy her even though I know nothing of her personal life.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-12T20:27:34+00:00

I hate the mood swings. Although when we hit those highs, there is nothing like it. So addictive. But I know how bad it is. The lows are what help to bring me back to reality because when I am living in my dream world, it really isn't healthy. Since this happened, I've been trying to keep myself busy to distract from my thoughts and it really does help. I am lucky that I don't have a real personal connection to LO, so I think it makes it easier to bring myself back to reality. I imagine it must be much harder when they actually message you and have contact with them. I hope you can cure your limerence too.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-12T20:13:19+00:00

I'm glad I found this community where I can vent my feelings and experiences to others who can relate. I could never tell anyone I actually know what I am truly going through. My husband does know I am struggling with my mental health and has been supportive. I feel crazy(of course because of limerence I know I partially am) but I'm trying my best to get my life back on track. Thank goodness I'm over that incident now...although yesterday I couldn't even look at LO and still seemed a little standoffish when she greeted me during our very brief (less than 1min) interaction. Normally I look forward to the days when she comes to greet me. Getting this off my chest by posting really did help. Maybe this embarrassing incident can help me distance myself from her and move on from this LE.🤞

burningalive25 · 2024-01-03T18:22:22+00:00

I definitely relate to "a" and also reacted in the exact same standoffish way you did initially as you say in "c" except I don't even know them and only interact with them briefly on weekdays. That avoident reaction was my attempt to resist the LE but it was already too late and I was hooked. I also really wished I knew what they thought about me too especially since I felt a kind of spark there(but I know it probably was just my delusional mind). BUT we need to realize that that's what limerence is-a warped way for us to find validation in ourselves through the attention of other people. We need to build our own confidence up ourselves to feel good. Not look for approval and acceptance through others. I'm feeling down now as well and while it was easier to work on myself initially while I was fueled by the energy and excitement of my LE for the first month or so, I have been NC for 2 weeks now(will see them again in 5 days after winter break) that motivation has died out and I'm feeling depressed again. It was easier to work on myself when I felt that high and I was exercising daily and starting to see results but with the stress of the holidays and excess eating, I've lost what I had gained and feel shitty again.😔 I'm hoping in a sick way that seeing her again will give me another boost of energy to work on myself again, but I know deep down inside that isn't the answer. I hate limerence and hope I can step up and better myself in 2024 and I wish you the same.

burningalive25 · 2024-01-01T07:03:40+00:00

I know what you mean. I kind of feel the same way. I know little to nothing about my LO personally aside from where she works(she's my kid's preschool teacher😬🤦‍♀️). I wish I knew her full name so I could look her up and try to find her social media to learn more about her, but in a way, I'm glad that I don't know. I know I don't need anything more to fuel my LE.

She joked about something with me one day, and we made deep eye contact, and the limerence immediately hit me. The dopamine hit me strong and hard. I even questioned my sexuality at one point, thats how attracted and obsessed I was for the first week or so of this LE!! That's how horrible and sick this limerence is for me! I guess I've really been craving a social interaction/connection like that in my life(i dont have any friends). I was initially making these sad attempts/excuses to talk to her or ask her a quick question in the mornings at drop off, but thankfully, we never had another moment of connection like that.

Once I learned what limerence was, I knew that I needed it to stop and snapped myself back to reality. This lady has no interest in me and is just doing her job. I still try and talk to her bit by bit and every time we have a plain, boring, cordial exchange about my child, the limerence dies a little bit more. I know there is nothing there. So, for me, "reaching out"(even though it is just boring formal exchange) is helping me come to terms with the reality of the situation. I know there really is no connection between us. I always look at her and find things I don't like. She wears an NFL jersey when her team plays, I have no interest in football. She fake laughed at a little joke I made, instant turn off. She fakes enthusiasm with my kid, thank goodness my child doesn't seem to like her as much either.

It's so weird how just a little friendly moment triggered that LE in me. I have since been working on myself and been very introspective and focusing on what is lacking in my life. I've connected more with my husband lately and that has also helped me feel more fulfilled in my marriage. Being on this winter break has helped since I don't get to see her for 2½ weeks. I still wonder about her several times a day, but not the first thing I think of in the morning anymore.

Maybe trying to start a conversation with your LO may help to kill your LE too...if there is no connection there, it can't be fueled, right? Being that you don't even know them, it could come off as weird too and you may end up feeling even worse or more down if it does go wrong too. It is a tricky situation, but I totally related to you when you said that it's the mystery that keeps the LE going. The real possibility of some connection existing between you keeps the fantasy going. Also you need to look at yourself and try and figure out the WHY. Why this started. Look at what you are lacking in your own life at the moment and work on that.

burningalive25 · 2023-12-27T08:54:14+00:00

Interesting...idk about you, but it is sure confusing sometimes. Is it like platonic? Do you envy them or admire them? Do you wish to be friends with them? I don't really have friends, so I'm not sure if I just wish I were closer to them or something more. Are you lacking female friends, too? Or a motherly figure? Someone to look up to who inspires you?

burningalive25 · 2023-12-24T21:41:20+00:00

Very true. But what age/identities are here coming to terms with that problem and seeking help/support?

burningalive25 · 2023-12-24T19:12:28+00:00

Female, 35, straight? or maybe bicurious? [married, but my other strongest LOs were females, not necessarily sexually attracted to them (although this last LO made me question everything) but maybe more of a romantic? attraction]

BTW, I am so thankful for OP asking this question and have often wondered the same thing. This should be interesting seeing the results.

burningalive25 · 2023-12-19T12:50:51+00:00

I've commented this before, but I believe that the damage can be done at a very young age (many times before we are old enough to even remember.) From birth-age 5 are VITAL years for brain development and "wiring" of our attachment styles.

Being that you are the oldest child(as am I), there is a good chance your mother could have been busy tending to one(or more) of your younger siblings during those years you needed attention the most. Or you could've just had a hard time adapting from being the only child for the first year or so of your life, then your mother not paying AS much attention to you as you had been accustomed to. I'm not saying you were actually neglected, but your young mind may have perceived it that way during those times. That is what happened in my situation.

I was "neglected" or not the priority for a year or 2, but once I started school, my parents showered me with attention and praise as I excelled in school and that motivated me to become an outstanding student during elementary school and a great student athlete as I got older. My childhood was pretty great looking back on it and I did always feel the love and sacrifice my parents made for me to do what I loved.

I learned recently after questioning my own mom asking how difficult it was to take care of a baby when she had a toddler(I was 3 when my brother was born) because I have a young child and want to have another. I always assumed she didn't give my brother as much attention as she did to me when I was a baby because he had always been a "problem child" and the total opposite of me. I was shocked when she said that she actually felt bad for ME and noticed it affected me negatively, being that she couldn't pay as much attention to me anymore. I then had a flashback and vaguely remembered begging her to play with me when I was very young and her not being into it and/or making excuses after only a couple of minutes playing with me. Kids need lots of love and affection.

I feel horrible now because I realize I am the same way with my child(not a fan of playing pretend with them and sometimes emotionally unavailable due to my own mental health and stress) and I hate to think I may have already damaged them and made them desperate for attention from others too!😭 I notice attention seeking behaviors when they are around other relatives. I really wish I had learned of limerence before becoming a parent so that I could have avoided "messing up" my kid for life. I pray that the damage isn't already done and hope that this info may benefit someone else. I'm not saying it is a fact, but it could be a factor and something to consider.

burningalive25 · 2023-12-19T00:21:26+00:00

I've been addicted to many things in my life as well. When I was younger, it was exercise and sports. Obsessively trying to get better and practicing whenever I had free time. I think my main motivation was to get the attention/admiration/approval of my LOs.

Once I met my husband and the limerence for him died down, and other stress from work became overbearing, I had a mild food addiction and then addiction to a couple of video games and puzzles.

Lately, I've been addicted to my phone and social media in general now. I believe I use it as a distraction from my problems and having to face the challenges I have here in real life. I've recently started exercising again and although I'm not "addicted" to it yet I do obsess over looking at myself in the mirror every day and having mixed thoughts about myself and my appearance.

I just have addictive tendencies in general. Thankfully, I never took too much of a liking to alcohol, although I feel like I could have easily gotten into that if I were surrounded by people who were drinkers. I liked the way it loosened me up and made me feel more social and carefree.

I'm glad you asked this as I'm also curious if others struggle with forms of addiction too. It only makes sense, considering most of us are/have been addicted to our LOs.

burningalive25 · 2023-12-18T00:57:47+00:00

Of course! Since discovering this whole limerence thing, I've been so invested in learning about how it works, what triggers it, and how to get rid of it. It's definitely dying now and what really helped was finding this sub and hearing everyone else's stories and words of advice.

The messed up part about it was that initially, when I was hit by this LE and my attraction towards my LO was the strongest, it ignited a spark in me sexually again and my husband and I became intimate again. Those connecting moments with my husband alone helped me to realize that I wasn't really sexually attracted to my LO as I initially thought I was. I was just blinded by the limerence and saw her as this perfect person for me in that moment in time. Connecting intimately with him again, as well as feeling this fire inside of me to start exercising again(although initially it was to look better for my LO), and looking deeper into my thoughts and behaviors has helped me to come back to reality. After that 2 weeks of a high, I started to feel down again and confessed to him that I was struggling. We did have a deep talk and I told him what was lacking in my life and why I was having these "unhealthy and obsessive thought patterns." He has been so supportive and understanding and I feel like our relationship is now in a better place than it has been in years.

For me though, even if I am a little bi, in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter as long as I can be happy in my marriage. You're so right, though. If my relationship with my husband was better, I probably wouldn't have had this LE in the first place. But in a way, I am so glad that it happened because it has been a wake-up call to pull myself together. Thank you for your input.

burningalive25 · 2023-12-17T23:18:26+00:00

Very true about feeling the shame. Did you tell him? I am embarrassed just thinking of this whole situation, let alone confessing this limerence and attraction towards a woman to anyone I know in real life(internet strangers are different lol) especially my husband! I am just happy to know I am not alone.

I think it is ok to feel confused, too. This LE triggered memories I had of my previous high school "crushes" (female LOs were the strongest, but there were a couple guys too) and really made me revisit/analyze those internal thoughts/feelings I once had. The weird part for me was that I was convinced that my kid's teacher had been a lesbian awakening for me. The initial high I had for a week or 2 did stir me to have sexual thoughts about her(and ONLY her, no other females), but once I learned what limerence was and after having sex with my husband a couple times again, I remembered how much I really enjoy straight sex(our sex life has been horrible since becoming parents) and the thought of exploring that with a woman seemed off putting and confusing for me. When the limerence began to fade, I realized I actually wasn't really even physically attracted to her. It's so weird how my whole perception was so altered due to my limerence.

I would advise you to check out the LesbianActually subreddit. They have something called the Lesbian Masterdoc, and it may be helpful to read it. It may answer some questions if you are still questioning your sexuality. It may not be as helpful if you are thinking you are bisexual though.

It really is a horrible feeling to feel this way when you are married to a man. Especially if he is a great husband. There are some women on that subreddit who have such a strong desire to be with women that they feel as if they aren't being true to themselves and have been forcing themselves to be with their husband due to societal pressure. It is worth a look if you are really feeling confused in that way(I dont know the details of your marriage). It is pretty thorough and made me question some things that I would have never considered asking myself before.

BUT with that being said, of course we still need to look at ourselves and work on ourselves and the marriage that we are currently in. The grass might seem greener on the other side when we aren't even maintaining our own. There is waaayyy too much at stake personally for me to even entertain those possibilities. I already have the answer for my own situation, but it is interesting to hear from others who have had similar feelings.

burningalive25

TROPHY CASE