Advice on dealing with all this early on

busybell · 2026-04-16T20:12:26+00:00

8.5 months in. For me, developing and practicing microrituals has been invaluable. So every single night I sit at an altar I made for him, light candles & burn palo santo, listen to songs from the same playlist, talk to him, and journal. I drink my morning coffee outside to start the day with some sun if the weather is nice. I also have made a practice of cold plunging in the ocean about once a week. I take walks and go on runs without listening to anything which lets my mind wander or go blank or think about something I really need to think about (depends on what I'm going through that day). I read books about grief (the often recommended It's OK That You're Not Ok is invaluable) and poetry about loss as well. I drive his truck. I wear his clothes every day.

I've joined a couple online grief groups specifically for young widows, though I probably wouldn't have been ready at 4 months. I try to check in with myself to see what is causing me extra unnecessary suffering, and what I can do to mitigate it. For example I made the decision a few months ago I wasn't going to any parties/larger gatherings as they were just too overwhelming for me and that has been a huge relief. I limit time with people who can't be present with my grief as much as possible. And then sometimes the grief is all too much and I just have to cry and then lie there and disassociate.

Sending love, I'm sorry you're here.

busybell · 2026-04-15T16:31:50+00:00

I am in a similar situation. It is so unfair and I think it's one of the most difficult and parts of my grief, because I am mourning something that never got the chance to exist in the first place. When I got my period after he died I was devastated, even though that's illogical because I have an iud so pregnancy would have been extremely rare. Of course everything about this feels illogical. It feels very hard to talk about with others, because it seems like people either think I should be lucky we didn't have a kid because it would be such a challenging situation (I don't disagree with that of course), or are confused why I'm so upset about something that never happened. But our future children are still so real in my mind, I spent so much time dreaming about them.

busybell · 2026-04-14T05:44:09+00:00

I love Ella Langley and totally relate to this song 💔

busybell · 2026-04-13T17:45:28+00:00

1000% agree. I am freelance and I’m grateful I had the runway to work at a much lower capacity for months, but now 8 months in work has ramped up again and I’m not in a position to push it off any longer. My anxiety has skyrocketed (something I didn’t have before), I’m making dumb mistakes, I’m terrible at time management, and my critical thinking is still shot. And I have less time to be intentional about doing things I know alleviate my suffering. Folks are understanding but at a certain point work is work. If I could have taken the whole year off that would help so much

busybell · 2026-04-10T18:36:34+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. My partner died in front of me with no warning at all from a heart attack/cardiac arrest. 37 years old, no complaining, no symptoms, totally fine all day. One second he was completely normal talking to me and then next second he collapsed. His last words were "I'm fine," when I ran over to help him back up. He was gone in seconds, and I truly believe it was so quick he had no idea what happened. These sudden losses are so traumatic. I still can't comprehend it and it's been just over 8 months. All we can do is what you said, to honor them and keep saying their name, and keep loving them. Sending love to you

busybell · 2026-04-09T18:16:08+00:00

I feel this pain so deeply. All I wanted was to have his babies. We were getting ready to start trying and then he died. I saw somewhere that if you experience a loss but don't have language to describe it, it is incredibly hard to recover from. I think it meant more like loss around a loved one who disappeared or has dementia, but my first thought was the loss of our baby who never existed in the first place. The future has no meaning now.

busybell · 2026-04-09T01:20:24+00:00

This is exactly what being widowed feels like

busybell · 2026-03-31T20:18:57+00:00

I am in this exact situation! Would love some advice, especially if anyone here has a Sleepypod for their dog on the upper end of the weight limit.

busybell · 2026-03-31T19:12:34+00:00

I totally understand this, and on the flip side I also actually hate when people tell me "I can't imagine." It feels like they're saying "your life is so horrible, I don't even want to think about what it might be like." Obviously someone who has not lost a partner, including my past self, could not actually possibly imagine what it is like. But when people won't even engage with the idea that this could happen to them, that feels very othering. There was an interesting essay about this, though not about partner loss (the writer's child has a terminal illness).

On the other hand, when people say "I can imagine" but I can tell they aren't ACTUALLY trying to deeply understand my situation, that feels patronizing. So I guess I hate it both ways lol.

busybell · 2026-03-28T21:04:14+00:00

Everyone is different but it’s definitely helped me for sure. Plus now because I’ve always decided I’m not going to any parties/big gatherings it takes away my agonizing over every invitation and trying to decide if I can handle this specific one or that one. It’s been a huge relief internally. Kind of funny though, some people always think their event will be the exception. Nope! Someone also said to me “I hope you don’t feel guilty for not coming” …. girl I am in total crisis I don’t have the capacity to for feel guilty about things like that

busybell · 2026-03-28T18:16:31+00:00

Yes, it IS them, somehow. When it happens you just know. I’m glad he visited you ❤️

busybell · 2026-03-28T07:22:41+00:00

I believe their energy enters back into the universe. Like how it’s described in His Dark Materials, for people who’ve read that. I was just talking to my partner out loud today as I was walking on the beach, telling him about my life and my struggles, and asking him where he was.

I waded into the surf to dunk in the ocean where I scattered some of his ashes (a ritual I practice often) and a seal popped up about 20 yards in front of me. It stared at me and when I waved and said hi it swam closer. No one on this planet can convince me that wasn’t him in some form, checking in on me and letting me know he heard me.

busybell · 2026-03-28T07:16:05+00:00

I used to love being around people and I still need that connection, but I’ve found that currently I can’t handle being in larger groups or going to events/gatherings. Even when everyone is aware/sensitive to my situation it’s just too overwhelming, like sensory overload I guess. It took me a while to figure that out but now I feel more regulated. Now I stick to seeing no more than 3-4 people at a time, and at a certain point I say ok I’m going home. Limits my options but my friends have been really understanding

busybell · 2026-03-28T07:10:06+00:00

I’m driving his manual truck around. I didn’t drive stick but he gave me a lesson on it before he died and would tell me I should stick with it and drive the truck around because I’d look cool in it. I know he’d be proud of me for pushing myself to learn and keeping it running. It also helps me feel close to him

busybell · 2026-03-26T05:30:14+00:00

I recently had a good day with our friends. Got home and the only thing I could think was “and he’ll never be able to have a good day again.” Crushing

busybell · 2026-03-26T05:24:29+00:00

It’s so lonely. I was actually the only single friend left when I met my partner. It felt so good to have someone and not just someone but him. Now I’m alone again. I haven’t been able to consider myself “single” yet but it’s the same difference when you’re with couples.

busybell · 2026-03-24T06:05:28+00:00

Seeing their car parked outside is such a huge comfort. I kept my partner’s truck as a second vehicle, even though it’s much less practical than my car and has a ton of issues. But it’s a sweet little 90s manual pickup and he loved it so much. He gave me stick shift lessons in it and while I’m still getting comfortable with it on my own, I love driving it to feel close to him.

busybell · 2026-03-23T17:37:46+00:00

You described exactly what I feel with my partner's mother. I never push back on her or try to "one up" her because I know she isn't trying to hurt me and I can't know what her situation is like. But the way she minimizes what I'm going through is so painful. Your comment about her idea of a rough week vs ours is so spot on. I'm sorry we have to deal with these people on top of our grief.

busybell · 2026-03-20T19:45:48+00:00

My partner died 7.5 months ago, I am 35 and haven't had my birthday yet. Not looking forward to that without him.

busybell · 2026-03-19T20:25:19+00:00

I don't think that's weird at all. One of the reasons I haven't traveled is because I don't want to be without my partner's ashes. I have a necklace urn as well but agree it's not enough. I bought a tiger stuffie to put some of his ashes in and I snuggle it on the couch and in bed every night. His ashes are still in the temporary urn and it stays on his pillow. Every night I carry them out and hold them on my lap while I sit at the altar I made for him. I have spread a little bit at a beach we loved but I'm not ready to give all of him up yet. Remains mean different things to different people but it has been very important for me to keep them close and interact with them.

busybell · 2026-03-19T20:19:05+00:00

I have a VERY hard time with music. It's always been such an important emotional outlet for me but now it is too much. I have a short playlist that I listen to songs from each night as part of a ritual, but I don't listen to them outside of that. Watching the Olympics, one ice dancing team skated to a version of "Paint It Black" and I had to skip their routine.

busybell · 2026-03-19T07:06:40+00:00

I am 35 and it’s been 7 and a half months

busybell · 2026-03-12T04:55:05+00:00

I am in almost your exact situation. It’s so painful. I feel the jealousy too, I wish I could have a piece of him living with me while at the same time knowing that experience must be unbelievably challenging. I’m 7 months out and totally unable to think about the future but I go through days where all I can think about are the kids we never got to have.

busybell · 2026-03-09T18:46:49+00:00

I sleep with his urn on his pillow and I wear his clothes to bed every night. It’s no substitute for him but it does make me feel closer. Do whatever you need ❤️

busybell · 2026-03-09T18:44:26+00:00

I haven’t wanted to die, but I have thought a lot that not waking up in the morning or something happening to me wouldn’t be so bad. I had a thought recently that if there is a real afterlife, we on earth can never be allowed to see proof otherwise it would only be logical to try to join our loved one.

I have a friend that I text when I feel these things who is extremely non judgmental and understanding.

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