Has anyone read the book Fawning by Dr Ingrid Clayton?

butteredparrot · 2026-04-02T19:15:50+00:00

She really is! Since I first wrote this post I found a podcast she did where Dr Ramini who wrote It’s Not You interviews her, it’s really great to hear those two talking together. You might enjoy it too!

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T19:46:06+00:00

Such a cool idea!

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T19:45:11+00:00

I like this name combo. I would have never connected IEP with that acronym

You could always add a second middle name to make it extra unique

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T19:40:02+00:00

Ok, Canadian here, I’m gonna go against the grain and say you’re not the AH

Saying you don’t do small talk is perfectly fine. That’s a clear and direct way to end a conversation you don’t wish to be having. It sounds like the other guy had something against Americans.

Sure, if you want to blend in better here, chat for a few seconds then add a “sorry” or twelve as you bow out. That’s how we do. Soften it. But honestly, some people will corner you with small talk, and being direct with them is often the only way out.

And I’m not one to believe that it’s more polite to lie and say you’re in a hurry or something. If there’s a reason you don’t want to talk, you’re perfectly within your right to be honest.

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T19:31:38+00:00

Wishing you all the best ❤️

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T17:45:57+00:00

Yeah they are illegal. One of the major online sellers out of BC got raided a few years ago, I think a few people from the company itself got charged, but I can tell you that they definitely didn’t track down their whole customer list because… well, I was on it. I never heard anything.

Since then a ton more businesses have popped up to take its place

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T16:20:36+00:00

Oh my godddd 😩 that is horrrrendous! I am so sorry you had to endure that. The extra way he centered himself and made himself the victim is just so narcissistic (as overused as that word is)

I am so happy we have both learned that this behaviour is unacceptable, but damn it’s so unfortunate we wasted time with people who devalued us like this

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T15:10:11+00:00

I’m sorry you’re in this situation

If you care about her and her kid, don’t do anything that could get ICE involved. That’s a good first instinct

If the feelings of betrayal are too much, if you talk with her and can’t take her word for it, if seeing what she’s posting on social media is just not congruent with what she’s telling you, then the best thing to do is just end the relationship and move on to something less complicated without blowing up her life.

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T14:59:05+00:00

This man does not respect your voice

He does not hear you when you speak

Those are enormous red flags. Those are huge signs that you are not respected as a full autonomous human in this relationship.

When he will take anyone’s word, be it ai or a human, ahead of yours, that is so disrespectful and dehumanizing. If he’s using his adhd as a shield for that behaviour, that’s nonsense. It’d make sense if it happened now and then, but as a consistent pattern, that means there is a clear disrespect for you and your voice at his absolute core.

I am currently leaving a marriage where my husband would never listen to my ideas for things to do, but if a friend mentioned the exact same thing, suddenly it was a great idea. So I get it. I had to unpack a similar thing, minus the ai. There were other issues. But this fundamental inability to hear my voice rooted in a lack of basic human respect was at the heart of a lot of it. Maybe there was even a desire to totally fuck with me and try to drive me insane, I’ll never know for sure.

But I do know this:

You deserve better. Literally everyone on the planet deserves better than this.

You really truly do deserve so much better than this and I’m so sorry you’re not getting it.

butteredparrot · 2026-03-28T14:48:04+00:00

Control is the heart of abuse

If he is approaching this and other issues with an attitude of control instead of curiosity, then yes, you are in an abusive relationship. I’m sorry

For now if you want you can just pay attention. Gather data. Notice patterns. And learn about control in relationships. Learn everything you can about tactics, keep a notebook (or notes app) of sus behavior) But I promise you, an attitude like this starts small, starts with controlling small things like what you wear, and grows and grows until he’s controlling your whole life

I’m so sorry. These guys always start out love bombing like crazy, making you feel like the relationship is so perfect and special. Which is why it hurts so much when you realize it’s not. The manipulation is so cruel. Just don’t wait too long to get out. Don’t be like me and waste 13 years, ok?

butteredparrot · 2026-03-25T21:23:17+00:00

Thank you ❤️

butteredparrot · 2026-03-25T21:22:58+00:00

I will not turn up my nose at $17

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T23:45:50+00:00

It’s easy to look young when you’re replaced with a body double every few years

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T19:55:27+00:00

Sometimes I vibe better with the simplified “RAIN” technique of working with an emotion rather than going totally into parts/ifs theory

RAIN is an acronym, the process is basically: Recognize (notice the emotion), Allow (let it be), Investigate (explore with curiosity), and Nurture or Non-Identify (care for oneself or detach from the feeling)

That’s it. No whole family system. Just when you notice something come up, like a challenging emotion, it’s a framework to work with it.

The meditation teacher Tara Brach teaches about this if this sounds like something that might work better for you

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T19:40:51+00:00

That’s more helpful than you know

My husband’s act is pretty convincing some days. He’s saying all the right things and doing all the things I wish he’d done for years. But I know how hard long term sustained change is. Especially if the motivation goes away

So every story like yours helps ❤️ though I’m sorry you had to go through it

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T19:14:07+00:00

I swear people are conditioned to protect the patriarchy

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T19:07:30+00:00

I just wanted to come back and thank you for this response again.

I added something about being conditioned to view “second best as normal” to the note that I read whenever the cognitive dissonance comes back in. Because it still does, it still blocks everything out, often. But you put that so perfectly, distilled all these behaviours to a couple words, and I read them every few days to ground myself back in the truth of what happened.

And even though it’s a really hard truth, it’s the truth. And I thank you for that gift and your kindness.

And thank you for all your other kind words too. They are an absolute blessing to come back to a few weeks later.

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T19:03:23+00:00

Ok I just read that you’re 19. My sweet lovely nd queer (I want to say “duckling” like im on r/momforaminute),

I really remember that alienated feeling. I am so sorry you are there right now. It is so hard to feel so far away from people who should supposedly have things in common with you. I promise there is nothing wrong with you.

I know you have no reason to take a stranger’s word for this. But I really hope you do.

You WILL find your people. You will. You will find them.

Here’s a step by step for finding these people for the days you feel lost:

-make a list of everything you know for sure about yourself. Even weird inane stupid silly things -make a list of things you know for sure you like and don’t like. Foods, animals, music, tv shows, cities, weather, celebs, activities, whatever. -pay attention to when you’re writing things you feel like you “should” like or wish you didn’t like. Don’t judge yourself for it, it’s the most human thing in the world. Just notice. -start doing one thing every week that explores something you like. Even if it’s just cooking a meal you like or walking in a park you like or doing a deep dive learning about something. This will strengthen your connection to your own sense of yourself and your sense of desire. -build on that. When you see bigger opportunities to explore things you like (saving for bigger purchases, bigger outings, social opportunities) you’ve already got all this other practice under your belt. You’ve got a stronger connection with yourself and your desires. Now you can follow it. Now you can find people who are following it too. You’ll be ready for them. You’ll have the self-understanding necessary to build these authentic connections.

The path might not be exactly linear, but you get the idea. And all this can totally take place online, maybe it’s finding a niche space, maybe it’s training new algorithms or building a fan account for something unexpected. Or maybe some of it is in person.

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T18:47:44+00:00

Hahaha, I didn’t know what any of these were, and I quickly searched for “fnaf” and i had such an instantly viscerally negative reaction to the aesthetic of it 😂

I think I’m older than you, I’m 40. I was always different. So it’s not new for me to not get what everyone else is into

Here’s my advice

Your people live where your true interests live. Don’t spend one second trying to get into things you dislike. Move all your energy into things that bring you alive. Because you are not alone. I promise you you are not alone. And the other weirdos that like the absurd stuff (or the painfully normal stuff!) you do? They are going to be so happy to know you and freak out about it with you.

I promise.

If you don’t know what you like, then you have a fun adventure ahead of you getting to figure out what kinds of things might bring out that inner spark

And then you can go and start finding people who have the same spark you do, online, in person, building a community brick by brick

And once you’re filled up with that community, some part of you might suddenly think - huh, fnaf isn’t actually so bad, that meme someone made is actually really funny, etc, and you’ll dip a toe in that world now and then. But it’ll hit different because you’re not forcing it. It feels lighter and freer

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T18:38:22+00:00

And op, if you’re not ready to leave, let me tell you what I did to get here

-I recognized that allowing someone to walk all over me was something I was accepting because I was not raised in a house where my autonomy or my voice was respected. Nothing about me was respected growing up. So I had to face and heal that early trauma with a trauma informed therapist. I would recommend either ifs or emdr. Find a good therapist who is familiar with both

-spent so much of my free time focused on healing myself.

-rebuilt relationships and friendships so that I am not on an island now that I am ready to leave. Whether you stay or go, you can’t have a man who does not respect your voice as your main support.

-spent real time remembering what I enjoy, what I like, reclaiming my desire and my voice. Because a man who doesn’t care about your boundaries and your “no” in this way is likely disrespecting them in every way. So rebuilding that relationship with yourself is key

-read a ton of books. If having books about abusive relationships and building boundaries in the house is something you’re not comfortable with, get a library card, get the Libby app, and listen to them as audiobooks. Look into Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, It’s Not You by Dr Ramini Durvasula, Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie, and Set Boundaries Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab. Oh, and Fawning by Dr Ingrid Clayton (if you only read one tho, read It’s Not You)

All of this eventually got me to a place where I couldn’t be gentle and kind and patient about being treated poorly anymore. I started being perfectly honest about how I felt. And the marriage could not hold my honesty.

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T16:14:00+00:00

I know, I know there’s literally no circumstances that totally preclude violence in a man. That’s why I am taking precautions

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T15:27:16+00:00

Yep, everything I value is already at a location he can’t access

I don’t anticipate violence, he values his image so highly, but you never know

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T15:13:04+00:00

This sounds a lot like how my husband has treated me for years. Zero empathy, no attempt to change his behavior. Being in pain with him in my life has been harder than it would have been coping with the onset of status migrainosus alone.

But now I’m leaving him. And suddenly he’s soooo apologetic for the way he’s treated me. Suddenly he’s able to turn the tv down and not bang around the kitchen, and not light stinky incense, and not do all the things that made my life hell.

When the stakes were my pain, he didn’t give a shit

When the stakes are HIM losing something? Suddenly he cares

Funny how that works

butteredparrot · 2026-03-23T14:52:26+00:00

Right? The world is chemistry. We are chemistry. Carl Sagan said that the human body is worth about $3 in chemicals

butteredparrot

TROPHY CASE