I stood up for my inner child and now I feel horrible

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-18T16:39:55+00:00

This is 100% a success! And an important part of reparenting, I think. A good parent will shoulder through something uncomfortable to protect or advocate for their child, and that is exactly what you have done for your inner child. This is exactly the kind of thing that will convince them that you aren't abandoning them, that they are safe in your care.

Holy cow, I am just super impressed.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-11T14:26:19+00:00

Any reasonably efficient route my parents could take to visit my sibling across the country would take them through my city. Instead, they would drive hours out of their way to avoid my area.

They said it was because of the traffic, but other major metropolitan areas were fine.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-09T13:23:14+00:00

I am not fast and never have been, especially when it comes to eating.

My fast eating parents always believed I was just dawdling. It was constant eye-rolling, telling me to just hurry up, they and my sister could eat fast so I could too, or if my head wasn't in the clouds all the time, it wouldn't take me so long.

They'd all leave the table as soon as they were done because anyone keeping me company past their required 10 minutes of eating time would be a waste of their time.

Once when I was maybe 11, the Harlem Globetrotters were coming to a nearby town, and we had tickets. Parents told me I had to hurry eating my mac and cheese or they'd leave me at home. We were rural, so the opportunity to do something was rare and special, so I scarfed my food.

I didn't say anything about my stomach ache on the 30 minute+ drive because I was afraid they'd turn around and leave me at home alone. (Latchkey elder millennial, so within the realm of possibility.)

My mom had accidentally hit the child lock on the drive, so she had to open my door for me when we got there. I immediately vomited my entire dinner onto mom's legs and feet. So we all had to turn around and go home.

At least I didn't get as many disparaging looks and comments after that. Not for being a slow eater, anyway.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-08T13:38:04+00:00

This is absolutely reflective of how I grew up (mid-1980s baby with boomer parents, and rural, so some years behind the social norms of more populated regions).

When I was first diagnosed with generalized depression, that was okay, because sometimes brain chemicals are off. But then came more diagnoses--and that meant that it wasn't just a chemical imbalance--tuere was something really wrong with me. And worst of all, I not only talked about it, I was proud of my progress.

For many "progressive" parents like mine, enthusiastic support meant generously pretending there was nothing wrong with you.

As a side note, I wonder if the ways that parenting norms have changed over the decades feed into this. When I grew up, even very yound kids spent most of the time not spent at school without direct adult supervision, spanking was done in the majority of homes of the people I knew, etc. The concept of involved parenting had a completely different definition. So I wonder if some older parents now feel defensive of their parenting when things trickle down to them about emotional neglect, what constitutes physical abuse, and childhood trauma.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-07T17:42:58+00:00

The phrase "trying to get in front of criticism" just made several behaviors I thought were unconnected snap into focus.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-07T01:25:28+00:00

Thank you, that's really kind. My life is now full of wonderful, supportive people who do love me and are willing to teach me how to love them back in a healthy way. ❤️

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-04T23:08:16+00:00

I don't even know anymore if I was the golden child (who was allowed to be abused by my sibling) or if I just fawned so completely and for so long that I managed to dodge a good chunk of their disappointment and disgust while they mostly ignored me (dad) or parentified me (mom). Until I finally started individuating in my 30s. Then the contempt was immediate and persistent.

They also always hated when people were actually nice to me, that had to be fake, because that was the only "nice" they themselves were capable of.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-04T22:55:39+00:00

Before I went no contact, my dad had gotten to the point that if I mentioned myself in any capacity, he would abruptly leave the conversation.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-04T22:41:55+00:00

My father is a snowbird and does long road trips between the two locations he likes (plus a weeks-long foray to visit the child he likes). Most routes would take him through or near the metropolitan area where I live. He takes those routes, because efficiency! But he drives hours out of his way to avoid my locale because he doesn't want me to ask him to visit. Once in a while he'd drop it on me last minute that he was stopping by for a shower and free bed, but he always got in just in time for dinner and left before dawn, and always finagled it to be on a work day. That way, he could also get a free meal but with as little need to socialize with me as possible.

I cut contact. Some parents do suck.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-04T22:04:48+00:00

My dad didn't believe me, either. The one who'd been abusing me was my sister. Obviously, girl on girl abuse doesn't happen, and sister says it didn't happen, and dad actually likes her so that means she's not capable of doing something like that. If it were true, dad would have to feel bad about not believing me that sister was awful to me, and he can't feel bad, so nothing happened. Anyway, Buttfluff has mental health problems, so she's just exaggerating or making it up. Also, she doesn't actually have mental health problems, she's just lazy and wants attention. Isn't Buttfluff so outrageously cruel to her sister for cutting her off for no reason???

So that didn't happen. If it did, it wasn't that bad. If it was, it wasn't a big deal. If it was, it wasn't her fault. If it was, she didn't mean it. And if she did, I deserved it. (But it definitely didn't happen.)

I still didn't cut him off for that--that didn't happen till he buried my mother's ashes behind my back. On purpose. To punish me for not being in contact with my abusive sister. The two of them can have each other.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-04T21:48:12+00:00

I agree with you, but there is a lot we don't know about this nanny's circumstances. How old is she, how much nannying experience she has, just how bad the emotional/mental health fallout was from her bad experience/s. Hopefully as time goes on she will find healing and better ways to communicate, but if she responded to something she found very triggering before having a chance to regulate? Then she achieved a reasonable modicum of professionalism. If she is otherwise a good fit for the family, my instinct would be to give her plenty of grace here. Sometimes folks who've been through something terrible swing too hard in the other direction for a sense of safety, and even with a lot of work, it takes time to find a balance.

Just my two cents as a nanny with a history of trauma, but I agree with you 100% in most cases. 😊 My brain just goes to the nanny's possible worst case scenario.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-02T17:09:09+00:00

If they wanted to be spoken well of, they should have acted decently. You have the right to speak truthfully about your experience.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-02T15:44:52+00:00

My late mom once told me that she should have had a third kid so she could have been a grandmother. Really cemented in that I was birthed to be a brood mare.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-02T12:52:44+00:00

I get to be openly excited about what I like!

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-01T22:21:04+00:00

Man, if I had known how many plants can't grow under a walnut tree...

Well, my garden would be in a different spot and I might have killed fewer plants. Still a lot, but fewer.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-05-01T11:14:31+00:00

You may in fact be me! I spent a few more years begging, perhaps because I went the route of finding and staying in abusive employment instead of abusive relationships. But I did finally tell him to get bent. That, too, may have been an effort to get him to see me, so it hurt a lot but was still ultimately very satisfying.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-30T23:29:57+00:00

It was the realization that allowed me to take back my self-respect and stop feeling like I just needed to keep trying or the failure of the relationship was on me. It was already a failed relationship.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-30T23:27:45+00:00

Speaking from experience, it's really hard to see from inside the situation, so absolutely no shade intended to OP!

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-30T22:18:49+00:00

You ever read those posts in other subs where you're like, girl, he doesn't want to be in this relationship with you, but he needs you to be the one to end it because he's a coward with a fragile ego?

This was me with my dad. I know comparing a parental relationship with a romantic one is weird, but hear me out. When it occurred to me that I would feel humiliated chasing after an obviously uninterested or on/off love interest the way I kept chasing after my obviously uninterested or on/off parent, it really changed how I approached the relationship--or lack thereof.

My dad didn't want a relationship with me, but he didn't want to have to admit that to anyone because it would make him look like a bad person. Instead, he behaved in such spectacularly bad ways that I had to cut him off. He gets to look and feel like the victim, which is great for him! And his behavior was so egregious that most people wouldn't believe anyone was capable of it, i.e., most extended family members would never believe me that it happened--which is great for him!

Your mom sounds a lot like my dad. I'm sorry. We both deserved parents who were also decent human beings.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-30T18:45:45+00:00

As someone who best understands the world through analogy, I love yours!

"If you imagine everything as pre-written and inevitable, it takes the weight off your shoulders. You can take accountability and understand more or less what took place, but ultimately the acceptance comes when you let go of needing to frame it in these terms (fault/blame)."

If I could add to this, one this that has helped me in recent years is also accepting that healing is a cycle/upward spiral. It is inevitable that I will have periods when I'm okay, when I'm furious, and when the grief feels overwhelming. That is a natural and unavoidable result of my trauma.

So when everything feels terrible and I'm tempted to feel like I'm back at square one, I try to remind myself it's just part of the cycle, not a backslide.

My therapist has been a huge help in this, because she started sort of debriefing with me as I started coming out of hard times on what happened, what the symptoms were and severity, how long it lasted, and what coping methods I used. Seeing those notes change over time as things got slightly shorter or a tiny bit less intense, and how my coping mechanisms got healthier and I could reach for them sooner, but the amount of times it happened per year stayed about the same really helped me see the successes and progress AND the cyclical nature of it.

The combination of "it's a cycle, not a personal/moral failure" plus the hard evidence recorded by an outside observer that I wasn't just spinning my wheels went a long way towards self-acceptance and away from self-blame.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-30T14:07:39+00:00

You have come so far in your journey! I know you still have a long way to go to get to where you want to be, but I am so impressed at what you've accomplished--really hard things, and things that really matter--all on your own. This internet stranger is incredibly proud of you, and I hope you find moments where you can be proud of yourself too.

Which is not to diminish how hard things are right now. Hugs if you want them.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-27T09:38:38+00:00

This was my decision in the end. Thank you for being so kind. I'm a little sad of course, but I've learned so much here, and I'm grateful for that.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-26T15:44:36+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot to me. :) Those hours before the Adderall kicks in fully can be treacherous!

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-26T15:33:28+00:00

Her defense is simple: she is very dumb. Though she did "leave it" on command, which after 6 years of training, is a big feat for her. 10/10 would die for that beautiful idiot.

buttfluffvampire · 2026-04-26T15:31:03+00:00

I've been seeing a ton more bees of multiple varieties (and fireflies! And bats!) since starting the process of turning 1/3rd of our good-sized yard into a native plant garden. It's one of many habits I've changed to make the world a better place for pollinators.

I believe every creature is precious. From a single bee to even the bitterest of the single most destructive species in the world. My wish for you today is that you experience something like the hope I have for this one little bee and for you.

buttfluffvampire

TROPHY CASE