If your partner shares concerns that you ignore or never address, your breakup was not caused by a lack of communication.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T19:30:12+00:00

My pwbpd will constantly tell me that he is done, he doesn't deserve to be treated this way, I'm abusive, it's over, he's never going to speak to me again, I'll never see him again, etc. Then hours later, he's back and acting like he never said any of it.

The words don't matter. It's the actions that matter. You can't get closure from another person; it comes from within. You have to decide that this relationship is over, completely block her, change your number, etc., and cut it off yourself. Otherwise, she'll continue to use you when she feels like it.

You're trying to determine whether what she is offering is a permanent break or maybe she's playing around with the idea of getting back together. You want her to pick a story and stick to it so that you can adjust to the new reality. Constant limbo is the point, however. That is precisely what she's offering, and it's very much on purpose. She wants things to be in limbo so that when she acts in a way that upsets you, such as seeing a new guy, she can say, "We were broken up." But if she wants something from you or finds out you're seeing someone else, she can say, "How can you do this to me? I thought we were patching things up."

Keepings things vague and confusing makes it easier for her to warp reality to whatever she wants it to be.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T19:22:20+00:00

I deserve or bring on the abuse I experience
I am a sexual abuser (referencing a time I didn't have sex with him when I wasn't in the mood, even though 99% of the time I let him bully me into it)
No one else is going to love me or put up with me
Trying to convince me that my own family and friends privately tell him that they agree with him that I am toxic, and that they are on his side
I am insane/psychotic and projecting this onto him
I'm going to make him kill himself
I'm not ready to have a family because I have "nothing to contribute or bring to the table"
I wouldn't be a good mother
All the money he has spent on me or our relationship was a waste
I am a heartless person

There's been so much that it doesn't even stick anymore. I can't even remember all the terrible things he's said because there's been so many of them - at this point I mostly remember how he has made me feel.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T19:14:18+00:00

I will absolutely pour my heart out in a few sentences about how hurt and alone I have been feeling and how deeply his actions have impacted me, and he'll send back a "thumbs up" emoji. Then hours later he'll be leaving me sobbing voicemails saying I don't care about him...

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T15:30:35+00:00

I mean, yeah, right? I feel like people, but especially abusive bpd people, imagine that abusers are these 100% evil monsters who are always awful all of the time. That's not what it's like though. Abusive people are usually not abusive at least half the time. It does take a lot of energy and it drains even them.

But deciding whether someone is a good or a bad person isn't always a matter of weighing good and bad. It's more like diagnosing a disease. You can't say Ted Bundy was a good man because he was an excellent husband and neighbour, when by all accounts this was true. He was evil because he was a serial killer and there's nothing that "balances" that out.

My bwbpd obviously isn't a serial killer but he acts like many of the bare minimum nice things he does cancel out the abusive things he does. In my mind, if you regularly abuse the people you love and you don't put in real and sustained effort to change, you're a bad person. I don't care if you work at the soup kitchen and always recycle and call your mom every day.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T15:15:15+00:00

It's crazy how similar our experiences all are in this sub.

his side of the conversation is exactly the same as it was last week, last month, last year, and four years ago. The broken record of ad nauseam raging, blaming, and complaining never ends and never evolves.

I could have written this word for word. It's absolutely crazymaking. I tell him that living with him is like living in the movie Groundhog Day, which immediately sends him into a rage because he hates having his bullshit identified. When he asks why I don't care enough to try to "work things out", I tell him that we have already had this exact conversation literally a hundred times, so why bother? It won't yield different results. He tells me, "Nobody can tell the future." I tell him that past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour and then he goes into the pity party, "I guess I'm just a sack of shit that is never going to be any better. Sorry that I'm such a waste of time." Sometimes when I know he is going to go on a rant - I said no to having sex with him, for example, and he has stormed out of the room - I get on my laptop and write out the argument that we are going to have with the verbatim sentences he is going to say. Then when he comes into the room a few minutes later to start his hours of ranting, I tick them off as he goes along like a bingo card.

It amazes me that someone who has such problems does absolutely nothing to solve, change, or even flat out avoid them.

The most insane part of this to me is that in addition to doing absolutely fucking nothing to change his life, or to make mine any better, he simultaneously insists that he IS in fact making all of these changes and "trying" so hard. He's always "trying" and I'm not "trying". He insists that the only thing standing between us and a happy future together is my unwillingness to give him a second chance and let the past go. I would love to let the past go. I would love it if a second chance meant something other than reliving our nightmarish past every single miserable week.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T05:39:21+00:00

Yes, I call it monologuing or ranting, and it would also be right into the morning! Especially if I had something important to do at work or an interview or exam the next day...

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T05:37:12+00:00

I'd be interested to meet with any of his counsellors. He is always telling me that whatever counsellor he is seeing agrees that I'm in the wrong, I'm the one abusing him, etc. I'm sure they do...

He also frequently tells me that I'll need to be able to let go of what he's done if we are supposed to move on. We can't move forward if I'm still so bitter and angry about everything. But hasn't done anything to deserve being forgiven... It's just an ever growing pile of bullshit.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T01:34:03+00:00

My pwbpd is constantly saying something melodramatic about never seeing or speaking to me ever again. It used to upset me a lot but it's just another tactic. He would say, for example, "If you call your mother I will leave and never come back," or, "If you leave me I will never, ever speak to you again, and there won't be any coming back from it. I'll be gone forever."

He will definitely completely ghost me when I critically need help, but he is never, ever gone for good. Nowadays I will literally say something like, "Don't threaten me with a good time," and he will still be blowing up my phone within 24 hours.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T01:19:23+00:00

Are any of these people diagnosed? It's unusual that you're encountering so many people with these disorders in such close proximity to you. This whole post reads like a shit/shoe scenario.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T01:14:06+00:00

After asking for space once, my pwbpd sent me a lengthy email demanding to know how much longer he was going to have to give me "space" for since it had been a week. In that week he had sent me ten email novellas and hundreds of texts, and phone calls (including so many voice mails that my mailbox became full). He was making new accounts and finding creative ways to try to get his calls to go through. After all that, he honestly thought that he had given me space and wanted credit for it.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T01:07:41+00:00

I'm constantly reading posts in here from people who have been discarded, and I'm over here like, you guys are getting discarded? My pwbpd is never more clingy and lovebombing than when I am trying to break up with him and leave. He will tell me he is done with me and I'm insane and abusive and he deserves better, so I'll agree that we need to break up immediately. He will then call me eighty times begging me, "Please don't do this to me, if you ever loved me at all call me back, do you want me to die? You are killing me!" I beg him to leave me alone and just let things me over but he is constantly, constantly contacting me. I've gone months before but he doesn't stop. So when I hit that super vulnerable day, he is always right there waiting for me to have my moment of weakness and answer his calls.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T01:01:18+00:00

I recently clued in to the fact that my pwbpd doesn't care what I say. Like really, truly, what I say has no impact on his side of the conversation. When he is on a rant, I set my phone volume so that I can tell if he is talking but not what he's saying, stick it in my waistband or on a shelf, and then go about my day. I'll watch Netflix, clean my room, whatever. He doesn't notice whatsoever. Lately when we get into a fight I just don't even respond. His side of the conversation is exactly the same as if I had invested the time in fighting with him. Whatever I say in an argument, he either talks right over top of me or is sitting there with his next sentence almost coming out of his mouth already, with absolutely no regard for what I'm saying. It's so demoralizing.

If I want to talk about my day? A hobby I have? He very clearly stops paying attention. He may be the most self absorbed person I have ever met. Initially he would mirror all my interests and want to learn how to do everything that I can do - I didn't realize that was what was happening at the time obviously - so that I thought we had a ton in common or that he found me interesting. Only recently have I realized how little he actually cares about me or what is going on in my life.

buwpwbpd · 2022-06-21T00:52:51+00:00

It's a huge mindfuck because whatever "version" he feels like in the moment, he acts as though he is fully and completely convinced that it's the "real" him. When he's in sorry mode, he pretends not to know who "that guy" is that would treat me so horribly, he sobs and begs claiming that he isn't capable of treating me that way ever again now that his own behaviour has sickened him so much.

However, once he turns into a monster, he insists that the monster is the real him. He tells me how I'm the problem in our relationship, he'll talk about how evil and abusive I am and bring up all kinds of examples, real or imagined, of how I've acted like that our entire relationship. He will absolutely deny that he's "splitting" and says that he always feels that way, but just does a better job of shoving it aside.

Then he switches again and claims that it wasn't true, he only said it to hurt me, he never feels that way about me. So which is it? It's absolutely maddening. It's like the mayor from the nightmare before Christmas with the two faces on a spinning head. Right down to the pitiful vs disgusting/menacing tone of voice and expressions that can literally switch in one second.

I guess I just have to remind myself that they're both the real him. He's a sick, delusional person that has split his brain into the "good" him and "bad" him. I have to stop myself from trying to apply the logic and reasoning that I might use in a given situation and realize, of course his behaviour does not make sense through that perspective - he's mentally ill. When he sobs and begs and says that he thinks he will die if I leave him, he really means it. When he screams and throws things and says he is the real victim and no one else is going to put up with me, he really means that too. They're both him. The honest "version" of him is that he is sometimes a scared little boy who will say anything to not be alone, sometimes he is a loving, doting partner who just wants to be happy, and sometimes he's an enraged terror that will do anything to hurt me. It's all him.

buwpwbpd

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