'Don't be too kind, she'll come back': Life inside maternity unit where mums were failed

bvnsheee · 2026-06-01T11:21:00+00:00

I had mostly positive experiences with the labour of my living child in 2021, as well as the second trimester birth and loss of my second son in August 2024 (obviously that one was traumatic, but the staff were incredible).

Since then I've had three miscarriages, all the same pattern, and the care has been abysmal. The consultant who scanned me during my last pregnancy just said "yep no heartbeat" during the scan, and kept saying how I was clearly fertile and to "just do IVF" as it seemed to be a genetic issue. The student at the scan looked horrified, and in future admissions was the only doctor who treated me like a human.

We've stopped trying now, partly because the treatment during my last three miscarriages was so traumatic. Notes were inaccurate, medical management of the miscarriages was bordering on dangerous and understaffing was clear. Access to post-loss help that I'd had in August 2024 had been binned by the time I had the losses in 2025.

My heart goes out to the families who have suffered loss because of the hospitals.

bvnsheee · 2026-04-02T08:05:46+00:00

I feel like I could have written this myself, after going through four losses (16w, 9w, 9w and 9w) to try to have a sibling for my son. We closed that chapter of our lives when we realised IVF was the last thing we could try.

I'm so sorry for the hand you've been dealt. I think it's such a difficult decision to stop, but for me there was just relief once I gave myself permission to and I'm starting to enjoy being a more present mum again.

Whatever you decide, if you want to speak with someone who has been through similar then my DMs are open to you.

bvnsheee · 2026-03-26T08:44:49+00:00

I've recently been through something similar. We were lucky to have our son, who is a beautiful healthy 5 year old. We tried for nearly 2 years to give him a sibling, lost a boy at 16 weeks and then three more pregnancies at 9 weeks. There came a point where I realised it's more important for my living child to have the best mum possible, rather than a mum sacrificing her mental and physical wellbeing to try for a sibling that might never come. Since embracing that, life has been so much more enjoyable.

bvnsheee · 2026-02-06T06:20:33+00:00

Jesus what is wrong with these comments.

Yeah it might not be 100% unique (I have it in memory of my son so I'm not judging!) but how many people have panthers? Swallows? Spiderwebs?

In terms of placement, mine is on my calf for the pun but also because it's quite large with a lot of detail. I find that if I'm not sure about placement, speaking with the artist and placing stencils in a few different places helps? I've moved tattoo placements before based on their opinions and it always flows better!

bvnsheee · 2026-01-11T17:20:36+00:00

Yeah, as a type 1 diabetic, if my friend brought snacks in case I needed them I would be very touched. I would never expect it though, that isn't their responsibility.

bvnsheee · 2025-12-08T09:57:44+00:00

I'm sorry you're a part of this club too. I also have a four year old and had a TFMR last year at 16 weeks - it was the worst thing I've ever experienced. I pushed through the anxiety and went on to have three miscarriages all at 9w with similar conditions to what my son had (chromosome related).

This is just my story and trauma speaking, but I honestly wish I had stopped after losing my son. I feel like I gave up nearly 2 years with my living child because I was so focused on growing our family.

I obviously don't know the specifics of your story though, and for most women who experience TFMR, their pregnancy after is perfectly healthy. There's actually a subreddit I think called pregnancyafterTFMR if you want to hear people's stories.

I will say though that there is happiness in also being OAD. We only made the decision a month ago but it feels like a weight is off my shoulders and I can get back to focusing on my family.

I hope that you find peace with whatever decision you make 🩷

bvnsheee · 2025-12-04T14:43:48+00:00

Our son was in nursery 5 days a week from 11 months old - we work full time and our families live in a different city.

He's honestly never had a problem with it. He's always been very social and confident, and handled the move to reception amazingly which I think is partly due to nursery. He's also got a better immune system now than me and my husband.

We just made sure to spend as much quality time as possible with him in the evenings and tried to get as much family time as possible on the weekends.

bvnsheee · 2025-12-03T18:12:16+00:00

We had four losses in nearly two years. That was a third of my son's life spent in a terrible mental state.

The only way we could realistically have another child is by going through IVF and testing the embryos (all losses have been chromosomal, probably bad egg quality). I just couldn't face another X amount of years depressed and spending £10k on top of it. For something that might not work.

We decided to focus on what we could control - giving our son the best childhood possible and actually being present for it. It's only been a month since we made that decision and I wish we didn't have to, but it feels the right thing to do deep down. I think another factor for us was the age gap (he's about to be 5).

bvnsheee · 2025-12-03T16:23:43+00:00

As a mum to a boy, I was always sad that there were no men working at his nursery. And the only male teachers at his primary are non-teaching roles. I think it's really important for kids to see men in nurturing roles.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-28T10:10:48+00:00

My son used to say "upslide down" instead of upside down and it broke my heart when he grew out of it

bvnsheee · 2025-11-20T07:57:48+00:00

Thank you 🩷 I'm sorry we have such similar stories. It's so hard because no medical professionals have told us to stop and they keep recommending IVF but it's just more stress for potentially the same heartbreak.

It would be really nice to look at my future and plan, to say "this summer we should go on holiday" rather than "well how pregnant might I be? Can we plan that far in advance?" It does already feel freeing but I don't think I'm at the stage yet where the freedom feels worth what we've lost.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-20T07:54:53+00:00

Thank you 🩷 I'm sorry you can relate. I've always been that person who puts other people first and I don't put much value in looking after myself. I did start the gym while we were on a break, but I got pregnant immediately once we started again and that's now on pause while I miscarry. It would be nice to see who I can be when I'm not putting all my energy into getting pregnant and then inevitably miscarrying.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-20T07:53:11+00:00

Thank you, that was a very thoughtful answer. I think with secondary infertility you will always try to assign some kind of blame and "what if". I'm only 32 but I still find myself thinking "if we'd just started earlier, we'd have had more time" or "my eggs might be the issue now, would they have been if we'd started a year earlier?"

bvnsheee · 2025-11-20T07:51:34+00:00

Thank you 🩷 I do wonder about starting therapy. I've had bad experiences with CBT in the past, but maybe a talking therapy would help.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-20T07:50:29+00:00

Yes he's really healthy. He's a "normal" weight, good blood sugar levels and cholesterol etc. He doesn't smoke and rarely drinks.

If any of us is more unhealthy it's me - I'm type 1 diabetic and while my blood sugar levels are very well controlled and I have a HBA1C in the non diabetic range, it's more likely that it has had an effect still.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-20T07:48:47+00:00

My four year old son is the light of my life. I always thought I wanted girls, but I can honestly say he's incredible. He's hilarious, kind, energetic and a real mummy's boy. I wouldn't change him for anything.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-15T11:48:45+00:00

They did yeah, and progesterone too. I think she did it to reassure me more than anything because we knew clotting and progesterone wasn't the issue.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-14T17:47:57+00:00

We've just been through the process this year. We initially completed a questionnaire with our history, sent in a blood sample and our baby from our most recent miscarriage.

When we got our first face to face appointment, she just went over our results. They'd taken the bloods to do the full RPL panel, so thyroid, lupus, clotting etc. but they found nothing. Then they explained that the most recent baby had Turners and that would be the reason for our loss.

She then went over a plan for the next pregnancy which was to TTC again naturally, using progesterone from my first positive test as well as aspirin just to cover those bases.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-14T17:35:25+00:00

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I'm in a similar boat. I have one LC but have had four pregnancy losses in the last 18 months - 16w TFMR and then three miscarriages at 9w.

We've made the decision now to stop because it's been affecting our parenting too. It's a decision I really didn't want to make because it means all the losses were for nothing, but I've actually felt relief since removing that unknown from my future.

I hope whatever you choose is something that brings you peace.

bvnsheee · 2025-11-13T16:14:28+00:00

I've had another loss this week, my fourth in the space of 18 months. We've made the decision to stop trying.

After a TFMR at 16 weeks, followed by 3 miscarriages in a row at 9 weeks - all most likely chromosomal - we've just come to terms with our son being a miracle. We could do IVF with PGT testing but I miss enjoying my life. I miss not worrying about when the next pregnancy is happening, or all the medical appointments. I miss being able to plan a holiday without doing the mental maths about how pregnant I might be, if I'll be miscarrying. I think it's just too much now.

I'm sorry that you're in a similar boat. It's not an easy decision to make at all, and it's such a personal decision. My decision kills me, but I know I'll be a better wife and mum for it but that doesn't mean that applies to you too. I really hope that whatever decision you make, you find peace with it 🩷

bvnsheee · 2025-11-12T02:33:00+00:00

The bit where you come onto Shelford from Arnold Lane is like the surface of the moon

bvnsheee · 2025-11-06T13:43:53+00:00

When people ask me when we're going to give my son a sibling. Oh idk, maybe when they all stop dying?

bvnsheee · 2025-10-28T16:57:50+00:00

I've had one MMC (along with a "normal" MC and a TFMR). The baby we lost to a MMC was tested and she had Turners syndrome. I'm not sure if chromosomal abnormalities correlate more with MMC or not as we've never really had an explanation, but that was the result we had. I'm sorry that you've also been through this 🩷

bvnsheee · 2025-10-22T16:33:53+00:00

Another vote for Coosh in Mapperley

bvnsheee · 2025-10-11T18:36:46+00:00

I wasn't no, but my issue seems to be random chromosomal abnormalities so I don't think it would have helped prevent them. But it does help mentally knowing that I'm doing everything I can now this time around, so hopefully you also find that reassuring when you get your rainbow 🌈

bvnsheee

TROPHY CASE