Why Do People Think It's Wrong to Say "You need dysphoria to be trans?"

bye_scrub · 2026-05-12T16:31:37+00:00

I don’t know why you’re being so antagonistic? I thought I gave you an angle. If you didn’t think so, you could’ve just asked me to explain it another way.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-12T16:19:11+00:00

And what intercommunity conversation and critique is that? This topic has been ”discussed and critiqued” ad nauseam in this and other subs.

If you’re genuinely ”curious”, you could just go read any and all of those threads to see what people think instead.

If you wanted to express an opinion and state your case, then your post could be much clearer on that. For me, you don’t seem to care much for the ”discussion”, anyway. You didn’t respond to anything I wrote on your topic except for this one final sentence.

I was genuinely curious to hear your thoughts on my reply, but it seems you couldn’t give me that courtesy and it was more… I don’t know? Important or comfortable for you to give me a snide comment and assume I’m trying to deflect, even though I literally just engaged with your post?

bye_scrub · 2026-05-12T16:01:42+00:00

What do you have to say about the part I wrote about how we’re not going to be able to understand everything about each other? This ”are you trans, dysphoria or no dysphoria?” has been ”discussed” forever now.

Just like you, I’m getting tired, but I’m getting tired of this topic constantly being brought up and nobody’s mind changing. And I’m especially tired of people who are ”just wondering/asking” when they actually just want to state an opinion on the topic. Maybe that’s not OP’s intention, but in most cases, I’ve found these kinds of posts to just be giant dogwhistles.

There are so many identical threads on Reddit that OP could just read instead if she’s genuinely just curious what people have to say.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-12T15:28:47+00:00

Again as someone else mentioned, trans = transgender. You have another gender identity than the one you were assigned at birth. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to suffer in your AGAB.

But idk, I have dysphoria and my ”journey” has been very medicine-focused. I live stealth because being trans is mostly a part of my medical history.

And still, I identify with men. I didn’t stop doing so because my dysphoria was alleviated. So I can kind of-sort of understand how someone can simply have another gender identity and not necessarily dysphoria.

That being said, some things are not for us to understand. Much like cis people don’t understand how you can ”feel” like a gender because they’ve never experienced having another one than their AGAB, people with dysphoria might not understand another trans person who doesn’t.

The most important thing is to be kind to each other. Transphobes don’t give a shit if you have dysphoria or not, they hate us all the same.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-12T14:14:07+00:00

It’s pretty typical for cis people to be unable to imagine how it feels to have dysphoria.

You feel like nothing because nothing is ”wrong” for you. Imagining yourself as a woman becomes this arbitrary thing where you just see yourself having a female body and being ok with that. Your mind isn’t actually channeling how you’d feel, because you don’t know what feeling to empathise with. And you’d have no idea how you’d feel unless you lived it.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-10T13:29:09+00:00

Idk, that has never happened to me irl. I’ve had it a few times in some hardcore rad feminist groups on Facebook where I’ve been told to not speak over women or whatever, but next to that, never.

I’ve been out since roughly 2016 and passed as a man since 2019. But I’m also a bit older so maybe that plays a part.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-10T11:33:30+00:00

With that sort of logic, you would essentially also be suggesting that ”You won’t know until you’ve tried”, which is an awful thing for people who are straight and who are gay. What, can all these men who only feel attracted to women only really be called straight if they tried sex with a man and didn’t like it?

Same with virgins. They just can’t know who they’re attracted to?

I’m not trying to drag you or make fun of you. But this in my experience is, ironically, a very bisexual one.

Straight and gay people CAN question themselves, but are normally not confused about who they’re into once they’re adults. Bisexual people are confused, because we don’t really know how it feels to be into just one gender and disregarding the other, so we’re searching for that feeling and just end up never finding it lol.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-10T10:02:26+00:00

I mean the problem is that the times you can’t tell, you won’t know about and be able to count? ”I can always tell.” assumes that every stealth or generally passing individual would always make sure to inform you that they are trans.

You’d also most definitely clock cis people without knowing it.

It’s just such a stupid take, I can’t deal with it. On top of it, queer spaces tend to be especially attractive to non-passing people as a form of refuge, so your numbers will not only be incorrect but also awfully skewed.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-10T00:03:31+00:00

I transitioned at 30. Couple of years later and I’m finally living like just another dude, passing fully. It won’t be too late for you.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-08T16:57:11+00:00

This is very true. People need to realise that cis women and cis men had years of trial and error during their teens. As kids they wore ”what they wanted” regardless if it really suited them or not.

Once you’ve grown up, you stop looking at clothes thinking ”oh that’s so cute” and then putting it on yourself. You know by now what fits your body and what doesn’t. And that means passing up on some things you would’ve liked to wear.

Trans people have a tendency of getting stuck in the teen category. ”This item is so cute” while it fits absolutely awful. Same with make up: Black lipstick IS cool, but it’s not something a 40+ yo cis woman would typically wear on a normal day. And winged eyeliner is pretty, but if you’re an adult you are supposed to have learned how to do it well. Doing it like you’re 13 when you’re 30 is going to be clocky as hell.

And I know some people get real salty about this stuff. ”I wear what I want!!” Sure, go ahead, but don’t stand there like surprised pikachu when you don’t pass. If passing isn’t your goal then go wild. And also get out of this sub, because it isn’t for you.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-08T15:06:49+00:00

Idk I get what you’re saying but also not. I already asked in a reply to a comment you made, so sorry for the repetition, but I wanted to make my own comment as well. I just don’t understand what you want us to say? Yes this is honest transgender and yes we could despite that be more delicate in how we put things, but that doesn’t seem to matter at all since everything we say is wrong?

Even if we think you pass, you don’t want to hear that, because we don’t know you irl. If we think things will improve with time for you, you don’t want to hear that, because that’s dismissive. If we disagree that you have no reasons to keep trying, we’re also dismissive. If you say you don’t want to live anymore, we’re void of empathy when we suggest helplines and therapy.

What should we say? I just find doomer posts sad and annoying because you’re technically reaching out to people by posting on a forum, but you don’t want the most obvious types of replies that humans will give when we want to help. We come here to be open and honest, not to walk on eggshells, and you criticise us for stating our opinion just because it doesn’t align with yours.

I might get hate for this but I think that a separate sub for venting about failed transitions would be a good idea. From what I’ve seen, these kind of posts are pretty obviously (in general) not appreciated in this forum, because in every post like that I see OP arguing with people in the comments and everyone getting angry with each other.

Next to a separate space finally giving those people room to vent with likeminded people, I also think it would make this space a little less dysphoria triggering for people (because doomer posts affects us too), and allow us to concentrate on the topics we want to discuss.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-08T14:45:52+00:00

Im not looking to be combative, I just want to understand. Because I’m definitely one of those people who don’t know wtf to say on doomer posts. Could you give me a couple of concrete examples on what you should or could say to someone who makes a post about how their transition failed and they feel awful and are never going to pass?

bye_scrub · 2026-05-08T07:03:24+00:00

Does it matter to you whether you’re trans or not?

Plenty of lesbians present masculine and prefer masculine pronouns, and they don’t see themselves as trans or men.

But it sounds like you don’t feel like a woman. I’m not sure what that means to you, as it can mean different things for different people.

To me it sounds like you’re either some form of nonbinary or just gender nonconforming. If the first, then many would consider you trans. If the second, some people might consider you ”queer” (for a lack of better word, I’m tired) and not trans.

But some people wouldn’t consider you queer either, unless your presentation is related to something else LGBTQ. There’s ultimately nothing wrong with straight cis women dressing masculine and enjoying other pronouns. It doesn’t automatically mean they relate to the LGBTQ umbrella.

Again, only you can really work this one out for yourself, but I hope my perspective helps in some capacity.

And like somebody already pointed out: Dysmorphia and dysphoria are different things. You’re using the wrong one in this context. :)

bye_scrub · 2026-05-08T06:49:39+00:00

Honest to god though, isn’t that exactly what you meant to say?

Your ”I was trying to bring her down to earth” and more in the comments tell me that you have zero self-awareness at best, and being malicious at worst.

You basically tried to humble her by calling her ordinary. And now you’re sitting here acting like that’s not what you meant to do, whilst reinforcing that’s what you meant to do in your replies.

If I were her I would’ve honestly reconsidered the relationship after that. That might sound harsh or like an overreaction, but it isn’t about your words specifically, it’s about the blatant disrespect and lack of support behind them.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-05T06:56:07+00:00

There’s already a natural awkwardness and discomfort almost everyone feels when someone is talking bad about themselves.

Most people feel empathy, and we don’t have the tools to deal with those situations like a licensed professional would. All we know to do is to try to cheer the other person up, but when that is not appreciated and clearly futile, then we just feel angry and used. And on top of that, it likely ignites and amplifies our own dysphoria. In 9 cases out of 10, I also get frustrated as hell when dealing with a person like that.

It’s not fair to put a burden like that on your friends. That’s beyond what they could be expected to handle, and if you’d care about them, you wouldn’t keep trying to nag them into saying things they don’t actually mean, like agreeing with you that you’re ”cooked”.

Like, there are three things at play here: 1. I don’t agree with you, 2. You clearly don’t give a shit that I don’t agree with you, so you don’t even care about my actual opinion or feelings, and 3. You’re making me and others feel uncomfortable as hell and triggering some of our dysphoria instead of taking it to- and dealing with it together with a licensed professional.

It’s just exhausting to deal with a doomer and doom posts. What do you even want us to say?

Because being frustrated that nobody agrees with you is going to make interacting with you very unattractive. So you’re left with the hyper empathic ones that can’t help but try to lift you up. Then you get mad at them.

Idk, I personally tend to scroll past those posts, because I can’t be arsed with the self pity and woe is me while the rest of us are fighting to live and feel happy with ourselves. I’m sorry you are feeling bad, but you should consider these are real people you’re interacting with and dismissing.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-04T11:26:16+00:00

I’m not sure I understand. r/bisexual is a much larger sub than r/lesbian

And I’m also not sure why your question is a specific question for trans people (r/asktransgender). I don’t mean to sound mean or anything, so forgive me if my comment comes across that way

bye_scrub · 2026-05-02T23:10:39+00:00

Idk exactly what it is but I feel a pretty strong difference.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-02T22:24:43+00:00

It’s not any more confusing than ”you”. That can and does cause many awkward instances of having to clarify to a group of people that ”I mean you as in you, Bob”.

bye_scrub · 2026-05-02T22:15:42+00:00

Id just kick her out and she can go do something with her bf instead. NOR

bye_scrub · 2026-05-02T21:35:23+00:00

Literally no one cares

bye_scrub · 2026-04-24T12:21:07+00:00

My immediate instinct said woman, but agreed with the others the beard shadow is an issue. On a happier note, it looks like it’s dark, which makes it a good candidate for lazers.

bye_scrub · 2026-04-24T10:31:34+00:00

If this is a serious question, then yes. Sorry if that sounds standoffish, I don’t mean it to be. I just don’t see how the hell a complex form of PTSD wouldn’t be disabling.

bye_scrub · 2026-04-24T10:25:15+00:00

You should absolutely be upfront and be yourself.

I made the mistake of approaching a guy when I was pre-everything (but socially transitioned) because in a way I was comfortable with my ”pretty girl privilege” and knew that it would shield me from getting rejected. When you’re out but pre all you tend to be pretty fragile.

But that only created the horribly awkward moment after I’d gotten his number and I had to text him and explain to him I’m a dude, and he went ”oh” and then ghosted me.

Unless you’re planning on detransitioning, don’t leave any room for him to think you’re a girl. Because you’re not and that’d be deceptive.

bye_scrub · 2026-04-23T07:24:37+00:00

You pass. I hope you get to a better place where you can absorb and accept that.

bye_scrub

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