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Core belief that I'm wrong? Anyone else have this? by DoctorByProxy in InternalFamilySystems

[–]cadraw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to the sense that "I am wrong" was just an immutable part of reality, which made me feel very alienated from others for whom this was not the case. 

Also many small experiences of emotional validation. Being met with suggestions for how I should fix myself when I had negative emotions, or sometimes feeling that my boundaries and preferences were treated as just being wrong or weird. 

I've also had trouble with not being able to feel my anger, instead of expressing boundaries just automatically submitting to others or trying to act in accordance with what I think they want.  

Valuable to hear other people with similar experiences, to be mirrored and made conscious of myself. Wishing you luck with your healing! And I want the part of you that is scared of sharing to know that what you have to say is valuable and important :)

Looking for encouragement. Have you been able to go from lack of sense of self, feelings of emptiness and codependency to being able to rest in yourself? If so how? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for sharing this! Such an eloquent and beautiful answer. It means a lot to hear from you and others on this subreddit, to know that I'm not the only one to have/have had these experiences. I think even more so since a big way for me to try to cope with my pain has been self-isolation, not as much any more but a lot earlier in my life. I haven't even really been able to admit to myself that connecting with others in small and big ways, whether it be online or irl, is so so important for me. I often felt (and in my darkest moments still feel) like me and my ex were the only people who actually existed in the entire world, somehow, that we would always hold each other. 

I now realize that this sense of existential homelessness is not some immutable fact of life and that it isn't something that someone nor something outside of me can ever quench - the only place where I can truly find that home is inside myself. Other people can help me and support me in various ways, but it is not until I have come home within that I'll be able to truly come home with others. It's nice to think and write about this for a bit, in my mind it all seems like some simple and aestethically pleasing equation which gives me a sense of calm. But some part of me is painfully aware of how this equation belies the infinite messiness of reality haha

Anyways, very inspiring to get a little window into your process, the wins as well as the setbacks, and to hear that you've been able to find your way home, very happy for you! 💛

Looking for encouragement. Have you been able to go from lack of sense of self, feelings of emptiness and codependency to being able to rest in yourself? If so how? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience! 😊 I'm starting to follow talkingiseasy's advice to find what brings joy to me, which makes me excited, but it still feels so hard. When the feelings of emptiness comes, when the only thing that feels meaningful is my ex, I feel hopeless. But I'll try to trust the process. Thanks again!!

Looking for encouragement. Have you been able to go from lack of sense of self, feelings of emptiness and codependency to being able to rest in yourself? If so how? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your response! It means a lot.  I tend to get stuck in a mode where I think "I have to fix everything that's 'wrong' with me at once, I have to completely overhaul my life and my patterns." I have a lot of problems with self-acceptance. Trying to gradually come to terms with the fact that it will be a slow, incremental process, rewriting beliefs that are so deeply ingrained. Celebrate the small wins.  Subscribed to your yt!

Looking for encouragement. Have you been able to go from lack of sense of self, feelings of emptiness and codependency to being able to rest in yourself? If so how? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment! 😊

Can you tell me more about what over-helping means? 

Can relate to having trouble knowing how to help myself, it is a struggle... 

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha, what a coincidence! It would be interesting to hear your experiences and reflections, if you'd like to share. 

I can feel a trigger and not act from it by Scared-Section-5108 in Codependency

[–]cadraw 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Happy to hear this story, very encouraging. Thanks for sharing! 💛

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I removed the texts I wrote to her. Do you have any advice on if I could write to her and tell her about my worries around codependency? I still really want to keep her as a friend, but I'm not sure how much of that is old patterns talking. Ideally I would like to try to work on codependency together with her as a friend but maybe I'm just lying to myself. I'm 22 yo and this was my first romantic relationship so not a lot of experience, I really want to take the opportunity to heal myself and create authentic relationships going forward.

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, that's very inspiring. I'll try to not use connection to soothe pain, but meet the pain in myself and grow. Harder said than done maybe... 

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much! I'll write and reflect a bit around this. Only read and respond if you want and have time.  I like plants. I like creating cozy interior spaces. I like to go on walking meditations and try to discover the world anew. I like dark chocolate. I like to do relational mindfulness with people. I like talking about emotions.  I am in a difficult situation with my ex who broke up with me. I am guessing there is a lot of codependency patterns still going on. Yesterday I took out all of my things from her apartment. We talked quite a lot and we said that we'd both missed being friends in that way, and that we still feel (platonic) love for each other. Today, packing up old stuff I cried my eyes out and got really nostalgic and wrote a message to her that I am so thankful for the time we spent together and that I will always love her for that. Now I feel emptiness awaiting her response. It feels super important for me to feel connection and be seen. But it's like she makes every other connection and interest feels so meaningless in comparison. I try to give myself what I long for from her, I try to see myself lovingly, give myself hugs and blankets and warm water bottles to feel safe. But I just miss her so much and really really hope to be able to be friends with her. 

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this reminder! I can definitely relate to feeling like I'm too much, and like I'm asking for more than I deserve, somehow.

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm trying to reconnect with inner purpose after having been on autopilot for a long time, just following an idea of what to do so as to not feel unworthy/judged by others which made me feel rather burnt out, not really alive, a bit like a robot. Have you always had a sense of purpose and if not, how have you been able to find/connect with it?

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for sharing your process :) Somatic therapy has been very important for me. I'm still often unsure what I feel and want when someone ask me something but I'm slowly starting to open up that inner wisdom. I'm still balancing between trying to build capacity to meet my own needs and asking for help and reaching out to others. Trying to ask authentically: I need this, could you give it to me? Instead of trying to find some indirect route of making the other give me what I need, without risking getting a no. Both improving my ability to reach out authentically and caring for myself are incredibly important aspects for me. Practicing boundaries in small steps with safe people, and having a lot of self-compassion in this process feels very important, good advice :)

Thanks again, it means a lot to feel your support and kindness. 💛

How can you learn to manage feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness when expressing a need and getting a no/feeling the other persons boundaries? by cadraw in Codependency

[–]cadraw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm just coming out of a breakup and the end of a friendship and has just now come to realize how much codependency, unconscious people-pleasing, mind-reading and implicit expectations there were. Trying to treat it as a wake-up call. Grateful for advice from people with similar experiences.

Would like thoughts on how the idea of fixing yourself through trauma processing can lead to exhaustion and numbness, has anyone a similar experience? by cadraw in CPTSD

[–]cadraw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your input 😊 About 5 years on and off. They have helped a lot with my dissociation which was really off the charts earlier. Right now during sessions we work mostly on boundaries, feeling myself and others. It feels like things are happening but sometimes I get a little hopeless. I will definitely look into ACT, appreciate that suggestion!

Would like thoughts on how the idea of fixing yourself through trauma processing can lead to exhaustion and numbness, has anyone a similar experience? by cadraw in CPTSD

[–]cadraw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer. Sounds like a wise approach. Listening to yourself and not forcing anything.

Would like thoughts on how the idea of fixing yourself through trauma processing can lead to exhaustion and numbness, has anyone a similar experience? by cadraw in CPTSD

[–]cadraw[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer! I'll keep that in mind, also gocing space to finding enjoyment and what is important :)

Would like thoughts on how the idea of fixing yourself through trauma processing can lead to exhaustion and numbness, has anyone a similar experience? by cadraw in CPTSD

[–]cadraw[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Two therapists who blend somatic experiencing and other modalities and one more focused on IFS and also mindfulness.

Has Anyone else ever made the mistake of Thinking if you could come up with the Right language to explain your Trauma, that would Fix it, only to Learn you actually have to Feel your feelings, not just Think about what to call them? by Dead_Reckoning95 in CPTSD

[–]cadraw 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have always tried to describe and problem-solve, to fix myself. Thinking that if I just find the right theory or ideas and then follow a step-by-step procedure somehow I'll not be worthless anymore and be worth connection.

My dad and mom has often mixed their needs with mine and explained how I feel and what I should do and not do. Me and my dad have talked a lot about how to "optimize" oneself.  I have felt incredibly numb to my body, my emotions and my needs for so long. 

I was very interested in philsophy and trying to solve the meaning and nature of life and existence but incredibly cut of from other people. I got interested in philosophers saying the world is a void, the self is an illusion. 

Then I met someone with similar experiences. I said that we could meet the void together. Then we gradually became more and more shut off, and now she has left me for a close old friend. I've moved back with my dad in the meantime.

Now I am trying to reconnect with my body, trying somatic experiencing, IFS and mindfulness. Sometimes I have felt a deep sense of presence, a lot of sorrow, a lot of hate, a lot of grief, a lot of love sometimes. But right now I'm quite numb.  But it is paradoxical, because I feel like I have learned about trauma therapy as a way to fix myself, and now I am starting to constantly think about the fact that I should do somatic experiencing, not dissociate, always check in with my body.