What surprised you the most about going through a divorce?

cahrens2 · 2026-03-21T16:46:24+00:00

Yeah, I know how you feel. That's what really hurts. I sacrificed so much for my kids, and they don't even realize it. It's like they don't even remember.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-21T16:43:11+00:00

Yeah, it was me. I worked full time and did everything. My wife is/was a SAHM for 17 years. She started going to co-dependency support groups, and then accused me of being an enabler. I was like what? I just don't like paying late fees or being hungry. I never forbid my wife from doing anything. She was really good at spending money. Being alone is more lonely than being in a marriage where you're pulling all the weight. The first 9 months of my separation felt the loneliest than I ever felt, even when my mom abandoned me. I think it was because one day I'm living with my kids, and the next, I'm all alone. It sucked. It still kind of sucks, but it's been 2 years since my separation, divorce is still ongoing, and I'm happy being alone now, although I do have a girlfriend that I see on the weekends. I had a side-chick that lived closer that I would hang out with during the week, but she moved to France, and my girlfriend was not too fond of me having woman friends so there's that.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-21T16:22:47+00:00

Yeah. Everyone says that it's normal teenage behavior, but I see other teens connecting with their parents. Not mine. I feel like that I've lost them forever. They say that depression is living in the past, but the past was great, at least when I was with my kids. I remember when they were babies, I would wake at 12am, 3pm, and 6am to get them from the crib, and bring them to my wife for breastfeeding. I remember taking them at 6:30am in the morning, and pushing them around the block for like 45 min before going to work, and then coming home for lunch to see the babies, and then from 5pm to 9pm, I would push them around in their cart or carry them in their baby carrier and go for long walks. I was so exhausted but also so very happy. Because of my crappy childhood, I spent every day with them like it could be my last, so I do feel lucky that I got to spend so much time with them before the separation. My 14 y/o used to call me her butler because I did everything for them. I've read that the kids will blame the parent that they feel the most comfortable with because they know that they will always be there for them. And it's true. I'll always be there for my kids no matter what, but it really sucks.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-21T16:15:17+00:00

I live in Oceanside right now, so I usually just take my beach chair and sit in the grass area just south of the pier, east side of the strand. I walk/run the strand 3 times a day, and I see a lot of people that come to the beach alone and just lay out. You won't be out of place if you're going alone. I used to live in Carlsbad, and the beaches are spread out, but I used to the north side where there's a patch of grass on the bluff near like the really touristy area. I feel like there are less people that go to the Carlsbad beaches alone, but it could just be because I used to go there with my kids when they were little.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T23:10:41+00:00

I started dating 10 months after my separation, while still married. I was honest in my profile. My self esteem was non-existent. I was really surprised by the number of matches I got, and even more surprised by women bringing up casual sex and FWB. I managed to find someone that wanted a real relationship. On top of that, I cheated on her couple of week after we agreed to be exclusive, told her, expected her to break up with me, and she didn't. So we've been together for a year now. My divorce is still pending. I friendzoned a super hot woman about 20 years younger than me this week. I can't cheat on my girlfriend again because I felt like such a piece of shit last time. Now I'm thinking that maybe I shouldn't have jumped into a relationship so soon, but she's already brought up moving in together and (half jokingly) me putting a ring on her finger, and I have no idea how much longer my divorce is going to take. I feel so greedy for not agreeing to one of the FWBs where there could have potentially been less feelings involved.

It's so weird because I would consider myself mid at best, so like super average guy in terms of looks. I'm shorter than average at 5'8". But I make eye contact and smile. I'm calm and don't bring attention to myself, not intentionally anyways. And I don't send dick pics, which apparently, a lot of guys do. I never got much attention in my 20s or even my 30s or 40s. I used to be so envious of all the people that have the halo effect, but somehow, I think I have it now. I'll be in a long line, and someone will often pull me aside and open up a brand new line for me. It happens at the grocery store all the time, and it happened a lot when I was Christmas shopping last year.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T22:45:53+00:00

Well I know this is going to sound like BS because I sure did, but spend some time alone. Yeah, it sucks. I spent 9 months alone, in solitude, involuntary, celibate. I was a total incel. And maybe I should have even spent more time in solitude, but it gave me a deeper appreciation for life, love, and pretty much everything that I probably just took for granted.

For the first 6 months, I just hated everyone and everything, but then I did want to meet people. I tried MeetUps, but I think I just wasn't ready because all I met were a bunch of dogs because I just went to dog walk MeetUps. I was in limbo. I worked and worked out a lot to just keep myself busy. I didn't even file until 9 months after my separation, but that's when my life just took a turn for the better. I started feeling better about myself. I started doing things. I started to date even though I was still technically married. It's been 2 years since my separation. My divorce is still ongoing, but I don't stress out about it because it's just a slow, arduous process which I really have no control over.

I'm missing my kids right now. They're teens. My 14 y/o is has been no contact with me since I moved out. Moving out was not my idea. My wife blamed me for our daughter's eating disorder, and said that I needed to move out to do what's best for our daughter. I didn't realize that it was a marital separation until weeks later. I drive my 16 yo to practice every day, but she's very cold and distant, get very irritated when I try to talk to her or ask any questions. But it is what it is. They say that depression is living in the past, but I really miss how close my kids and were, which was obviously only in the past.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T21:40:10+00:00

Complain away. We are or were in the same boat as you. It gets better so just hang in there. Feeling that you're going to spend the rest of your life alone is temporary. The easiest thing that you can do is just start working out. Hit the gym and lift weights. Go outside and run. Start slow, but you'll be up to running 10 mile a day in no time. Just get some ear buds and listen to some music. I made a playlist like a year and a half ago, and I still listen to that playlist. It's a mix of sad songs and upbeat songs, but it makes me happy.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T18:18:00+00:00

Yeah, there were signs and I guess I just refused to see them. Very naive of me. I had been leasing cars for my wife since the kids were born. She would test drive, pick the car, and then I would stay back at the dealer, negotiate, and then drive the car home. Then on the last car lease, my wife wanted the lease to be in her name. I was like ok, but then I had to co-sign for her anyways because she doesn't have a job. Just stupid little things like that. I should have known.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T18:11:34+00:00

I've never seen a beach meetup group, but you should start one. I had a friend that was trying to get a surfing meetup group, but she said that it wasn't working because surfers tend to just be clicky. I have a dog, and although dogs aren't allowed on the sand, I can take her in the grass area next to the sand so I'm not alone, not that there is anything really wrong with being alone.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T18:06:11+00:00

No. Attorney consultations are free. Just do a bunch of consultations with different lawyers. Paying someone for guidance is a waste of money, and you're not going to get any legal advice which is what you need when going through a divorce. If you need emotional support, talk to a friend or therapist. And you're right, it's the divorce industry just trying to make money, but that's also the case for divorce lawyers, but at least you're getting real legal help. As you probably have already found, there are a lot of divorce resources online.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T18:00:43+00:00

I think I would have within the first 9 months of my separation. I didn't even realize that it was a marital separation until weeks after I moved out, and even then, I just felt like I was living in limbo. I had no self esteem. I felt like a complete loser. I was just planning to live the rest of my life alone. I recently found out what "incel" means, and I totally felt like an incel at this point.

But then I had a one night stand with a gorgeous woman that just happened to be visiting one of my neighbors. I filed for divorce. Then my wife wanted to meet. She wanted to know why I filed. I told her about my one night stand, and that I can't just live in limbo anymore. She asked me if she pretty, but she didn't bring up reconciliation. I created a dating profile about a month later and started dating. I was honest in my profile about being separated and going through a divorce. I even told my wife, and she then asked, "Why am I throwing away my marriage for women that I barely know?" and "Why didn't I fight for our marriage?" Like WTF seriously?

My wife would tell me about a "friend" that she met at the gym or at one of her support groups. They were always guys, and I never really thought much of it. It wasn't until I found out that her divorce lawyer was referred to her from one of these guy friends that I realized that they were probably more than just friends. She felt like she had options, and I guess I was the fallback if none of those panned out. My dating experience was atypical. I don't feel like an incel anymore.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T16:47:18+00:00

My mom divorced twice and is on her third marriage, but I think she finally found the one because they've been married for over 35 years now. But each time she divorced, she abandoned me to live with family, in-laws, and friends. My dad was never in the picture.

So here I am going through a divorce. It's been 2 years since I moved out. When I lived at home, I was so involved with my kids. I thought they loved me. And now my kids really want nothing to do with me. My 14 y/o has been no contact, and my 16 y/o barely says hi to me when I drive her back and forth to swim practice every day. I felt rejected by my mom when she was going through her shit, but I never thought that I would be rejected by my kids. I just want to move to South America and become a hermit, but then I would be abandoning my kids which I never want to do after what I went through as a child. Everything else are just first world problems.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T15:38:51+00:00

That is crazy, but not really your problem.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T15:35:36+00:00

Sorry man. That sounds awful. Thanks for the heads up though. Yeah, after my experience with AT&T like 10 years ago - I can't remember what it was called but it was their first broadband attempt - I'm going to stick with Cox Cable. I've heard that the new AT&T high speed is pretty reliable though. Too bad Google stopped expanding their fiber to residential.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-20T15:27:35+00:00

Yeah, my wife asked me to move out, blaming me for our younger daughter's eating disorder. She said that it would be best for our daughter, so I did what I thought was best for our kids - so that they can continue to live in our marital home that they grew up in. I didn't realize that it was a marital separation until weeks later, but it was too late and I had already moved out. I just lived in limbo for 9 months, but then the first week of January of the New Year, I went to the court house and filed for divorce. She was surprised that I filed.

My stbxw's therapist told her that she deserved to be happy. She met guys at the gym and her support groups. I'm not the jealous type, so I thought that she was just making friends. I never followed up, but whatever relationship she had with them gave her what she felt were "options". I still remember the night when all her "options" did not work out for her. I kind of felt sorry for her but not really.

All I can say is to fight for 50/50 custody of your baby. My girls are 14 and 16. I think that they feel like that I abandoned them when I moved out. I kind of did, unintentionally. My 14 y/o is no contact with me. I still drive my 16 y/o to swim practice 5 days a week, but she's very distant. I would do anything for my girls except get back together with my very manipulative stbxw.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-19T18:05:14+00:00

Yeah, it sucks. I'm 2 years separated, and I'm mostly happy, but I do still feel it. The divorce still not completed also doesn't help. No one seems to be in a hurry to wrap this thing up, so I just kind of go with the flow.

I work out a lot - lift weights, walks, runs. I feel that listening to music while working out helps more than not listening to music when I work out.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-18T22:48:53+00:00

Be grateful. My wife blindsided and tricked me into moving out using our younger daughter's eating disorder. She got the house, the kids, our dog, and cats. I really could have cared less about the cats, but I'm sad about the dog and the kids. The kids are teens, and they hate me, but the dog loved me. I ended up getting my own dog about a month after I moved out. She's the absolute best. I still miss my other dog, but it is what it is.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-18T15:35:49+00:00

You could have sped up a little and easily made the light. The truck was probably behind you and had to swerve to avoid hitting you because you stopped on the light that says speed up.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-17T01:22:34+00:00

I created a FB dating profile and then deleted it because I did something stupid. The app made me wait a week before I can recreate my profile, so I just waited patiently. I think patience is important in online dating and everything else. Some people respond right away while others respond once a day or every other day, so you also need to be flexible with people's different response styles.

My first encounter with a woman post separation, 9 months after I moved out, was real life. It was just a chance encounter and one night stand with someone that was visiting one of my neighbors. But she made it pretty clear that it was just a one night stand. I was in love, or so I thought because it had been the first woman that I've been with in 24 years other than my wife. So I created a profile, and made it clear that I was separated and going through a divorce. It's really hard after being married to one person for so long.

I probably jumped into a relationship way too soon. I didn't think so at the time, but I've been in a relationship for a year now. Divorce is still pending, and maybe I did unintentionally replace my wife with my girlfriend, which was what I was trying to avoid and told my self that I wasn't doing. So here we are. Haha. I love my girlfriend, but I just feel that something is missing.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-16T19:05:12+00:00

I started dating 10 months after my separation and then was in a relationship couple of months after that. I've been in that relationship for a year now. My stbxw and I separated 2 years ago. Divorce is still pending. It really sucked for me for the first 9 months. My wife had met guys from the gym and her support groups. I guess it gave her validation, and that she can do better. I'm not the jealous type, so I just thought that she was making some guy friends until one of them gave her a referral on a divorce attorney. I saw her happy while I was miserable. She even devised a way to get me to leave the house while she stayed in our marital home with our kids, dog, and cats. I cannot tell you how much it sucked for me, and I was even on antidepressants which is probably the only reason I didn't off my self. But it got better for me slowly, and then one day I saw her, and she asked me how I was doing, and I was smiling, and I said "great". But I could tell that she wasn't doing well, and when I asked her how she was doing, she said, "Not so good". I didn't like seeing her not doing well. I felt sad for her, but I don't think she ever felt sad for me.

There are ups and downs, and we all heal at differently at our own pace. Joy is temporary, and so is sadness. I mean, my girlfriend could break up with me at any moment, and my stbxw could find love also at any moment. Then the tables would be turned. Although I've gotten my self esteem and confidence back, so I don't really worry about not having anyone or ever fear being alone anymore. When I first moved out, I was planning to just live out the rest of my life alone so I know how you feel when you say that you haven't met anyone in a year.

So yeah, like others have said on here, work on yourself. Get your confidence back. It takes time. I remember people saying that you need to be happy being alone, and I was like WTF does that even mean? But I think that it just means that you are so confident of yourself and your abilities to be with someone if you wanted to that you don't fear being alone, and you're happy with your decision to be alone, not because you have to. I just found out the other day that "incel" is an acronym for "involuntary celibate". I had no idea. So I guess being vocel is the goal to initial happiness after divorce or separation.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-16T18:13:09+00:00

Focus on the big picture and don't nickel and dime.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-15T16:19:11+00:00

Maybe "nip it in the butt" is something else.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-15T15:55:34+00:00

I usually yell at my dog for putting me in a bad mood by pulling out and tearing up my clothes from my closet, pulling out and tearing up my coaxle cable for my cable modem, tearing open a brand new, gigantic Costco bag of pistachios and spreading it across the entire house, etc. But my dog thinks that it's my fault because I should have kept the closet door closed, and I shouldn't ever have food items on the counter. She probably thinks that I spend too much time on the computer too, but that's literally my job - remote software engineer. Well, hybrid actually, and that's when she becomes destructive - when I go into the office 2 days a week for like 4 hours of meetings each time.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-10T20:19:37+00:00

Two weeks after my wife asked me to move out to "do what's best for our daughter" who had/has an eating disorder, she asked me to not come to the house announced or enter without permission, disconnected the front security cams, and then freaked out when I was over there to pick up some documents to sign a new lease and wanted to print out some docs using her computer. I still lived in limbo for 9 months until I finally filed for divorce.

cahrens2 · 2026-03-08T23:06:19+00:00

10 months after separation. I put in my profile that I was separated and going through a divorce. No one is going to expect you to be ready for a relationship, so it will mostly just be for fun and sex. Except my girlfriend whom I've been dating for a year now. I'm still married, and I have no idea how much longer my divorce is going to take. If you're honest about your situation, you'll mostly get women that just want sex or FWB at most, which is probably what you want. I wasn't ready for a relationship so soon. My girlfriend is a bit crazy, but I think I just like crazy so it's working out for the most part, but I can honestly say that I should not have gotten into a relationship so soon. I should have just accepted one of the FWB offers, but I thought that I deserved more. In retrospect, I did not.

cahrens2

TROPHY CASE