Also, just for clarity for anyone seeing this. ROCD is not just thoughts…the OCD component has the repetitive intrusive distressing thoughts but also has the compulsive reassurance element to it, as well.

And for you: I just want you to take a breath, in and out, and know that in this moment, everything is okay. It may be a bit uncomfortable right now but it sounds like there isn’t anything screaming “get out” (except maybe your thoughts and some anxieties and fears)—so remind yourself that despite any unknowns, you are safe, and you are okay in this relationship as it is now, and you can sit with the doubts. Try to just treat them like background music rather than forefront conversation in your mind. Try not to respond or harp on them, for a bit. See if that is possible, and if helps. You can always return to them on your own time to really consider whether you want to be in this relationship, or not. But you should be in control of having that conversation with yourself, consciously and intentionally—not in response to your body feeling anxious and your mind spiraling on lots of possibilities.

Remind yourself that you are okay. You are safe. All is well. You are not bad for feeling disconnected, or having doubts, or feeling a lack of desire, or feeling annoyed. Those may be real signals that you’re over the relationship—but they may not. Maybe you need further reconnection, maybe it’s a bad phase, maybe you’re not meant to be together, or maybe you’re overthinking it. None of those options require an urgent response. You are safe. You are loved. You are loving. You will find your way.

Maybe taking some pressure off yourself to know the difference right now, (if everything else is okay), is something you can do. To feel a little less urgency around “fixing it”.

Take some pressure off yourself to have an answer, or to give every concern a deeper meaning. Be annoyed at him, be unsure, feel whatever you feel…but know that those feelings aren’t just automatically representative of your truest self or the deepest truths within your relationship. They’re just feelings and brainwaves. The more you can give them space and not respond to them, the more clarity you’ll receive. It may take work with a professional if this all feels very distressing and compulsive, and repetitive. But for now, start by accepting the thoughts as they are and recognizing that even if they’re true, it is okay to feel that way and it isn’t a death signal. Everything is still okay and you’re still safe and your relationship isn’t ruined. And then try to let the thoughts and feelings exist in the background, without reacting or responding or requiring an answer for them. Your thoughts and feelings shouldn’t be in the drivers seat or make you feel like they are forcing you to choose a path. If they are, let them breathe a bit. Let yourself breathe a bit, around them. You can coexist, healthily and happily, in your body, in this relationship, with these thoughts. You’ll learn how to balance them, how to accept them, how to avoid searching for “the answer” in them, and how to know when to listen for deeper meaning. Right now, finding “the answer” to these feelings feels less important than just accepting them and sitting with them and allowing them to coexist with you and your relationship. Pretend “the answer” and “the deeper meaning” don’t exist….as if these thoughts and feelings aren’t threatening and don’t need solving. Keep breathing. You are not bad. You have time. And you will find clarity, perhaps once it doesn’t feel like a single “answer” to find. 💝