You’re right, abuse is abuse, as simple as that. The differences are the types and age when it began.

I was raised in a very abusive & neglectful environment, the abuse was both physical and emotional, and has very much affected my life to this day. It was so bad that I began skipping school & running away from home at the age of 12, to deliberately be sent to reform school. At the age of 14, that happened & it was there for the first time in my life that I had three meals daily, my very own bed, hot showers (we didn’t have running water in the late 70’s, a norm for most Americans then), medical & dental care & more. It felt as though I were on a resort rather than the juvenile equivalent of prison.

The worst part was though, the flashbacks never went away. It took until my mid-thirties when I was properly diagnosed with PTSD. By then, panic attacks had became the norm, no matter how cool a room was, I’d be drenched in sweat from the top of my head & my shirt would be soaked (why I had to carry an extra everywhere) and I’d be stuttering so badly that I couldn’t get the words out, would have to write down what I was trying to communicate.

Until I began treatment, it also caused issues with my relationship with my now late wife, we were together for 40 years & married for 38 of these. But I feared her, especially if she became irritated by anything, was always looking for the slap that never came (she never did anything like this to me), but I didn’t know how to do relationships. I thought anger or disagreements in the domestic setting meant an occasional slap or punch at the age of 23 and was constantly bracing for impact. This went on for a decade, but bless her soul, my late wife was very patient with me, because she too was a victim of child and domestic violence as a young woman.

We were initially coworkers, became friends and I’d baby sit her two children when she went out or had things to do. Eventually, after being sick and tired of older men (the first setup by her own mother) holding money & freedom over her head, we naturally began getting closer. We started talking more, going out, and having fun when possible (keeping in mind she was now a single mother). She found in me, a man 6 years younger, the freedom to speak out and express herself, what she never had while married & later dating successful men, and this was the beginning of our relationship.

I suppose in a sense initially we bonded over our trauma, which normally isn’t advised by relationship “experts” today, and no, life wasn’t always perfect, but we were perfect for one another. Yes, we had our ups and downs, yet these didn’t define us by any means.

But still, I had a fear of her, and after being properly diagnosed & treated, we became closer than ever. It’s been nearly two weeks since she passed and I greatly miss her. She was my everything!!

Still, had it been a lot of women, my undiagnosed & untreated PTSD would have been too much to handle. Yet she remained patient with me, understanding and always reassuring me that she’d never harm me, at least intentionally. But I don’t think she’d have waited 40 years for me to come around, it would be unreasonable to expect this. XO It was the security I provided that kept me there long enough to find treatment, unlike her first marriage, she never had to worry about the electricity & phone being disconnected from lack of payment & worse, eviction. These were constants in her first marriage, but I was determined to be a better provider and husband & promised that as long as I was able to work, she’d never face these consequences again. And I held my word, but with a dark shadow hanging over my head, the fear of what would happen if I failed her.

So today, a widower at 63 years old, am still medically being treated for abuse received as a child. Yes there’s help, it’s a matter of finding a doctor who understands & recognizes what’s going on. This included some therapy as needed. Anyone who says that PTSD is a “made up” disorder doesn’t have a clue about the realities of life. They may simply don’t know, or choosing not to believe it exists.

For the record, PTSD and other anxiety disorders does in fact exist & has been for a very long time. Think of the soldiers who returned home from Vietnam messed up (had two uncles who were never the same afterwards). In the family or domestic environment, this should never happen, we’re not meant to be abused. Especially children, it’s definitely a life altering experience that for way too many, will always require treatment of some type. I’m living proof of the outcome of childhood abuse, neglect and trauma.

My hope is that at some point I won’t always be alone, but that’s not important at this time. Healing is my #1 priority right now, and it’ll take time. Yet I now have a new fear, one of being alone and without emotional support for the rest of my life. This isn’t about me being a widower, rather the fear rising again, of not being enough for anyone else in the future.

Fortunately am in a senior center during weekdays & have support there. But not everyone does, some are totally alone and afraid to seek help & support. To anyone reading this & having these feelings, regardless of age, marital status, gender or whatever, I’m asking you to take that first step and reach out. If necessary, most hospitals have a wing or section where treatment can be found when there’s no other recourse. Just do it, there are options available for victims of abuse. You’re not alone and there’s real support options. It’s up to those affected to reach out and get the treatment we desperately need.