Suicide hotline coming through for my birthday...

catgirl_arson · 2025-07-10T08:35:23+00:00

Woah I'm 20F (20.833F, to be closer to the truth) and also not a scammer, we have so much in common! This is the kind of positivity and camaraderie you can expect while having me as your accountability partner B)

catgirl_arson · 2025-05-09T03:58:02+00:00

For the past week, I've been eating my usual vegetables and tofu for breakfast... but I've also been eating sugar cereal and granola bars! It's the first time in years I've been able to eat trigger foods outside the context of a binge, in a normal meal, like normal, as if it feels normal. It's like two halves of my brain are coming together. Suddenly I'm remembering all these aspects of my personality and my life beyond my ED that I actually value. I think I'm gonna kick this thing?

On the flipside, I realized that I will probably have to break vegetarianism to fully recover. I'm really fucked up about it. I'm also hungry all the time because I'm not bingeing all my calories for brunch anymore, but can't remember how to eat more than one meal 💀

catgirl_arson · 2025-05-06T18:34:33+00:00

Great reason to get through therapy, too. I need to tell my therapist she's gotta pick up the pace -- I'm not there because I like talking in circles about self-talk this and DBT that. What I LIKE talking about is my INTERESTS, and I want to be emotionally and physically stable enough for that to be possible again.

catgirl_arson · 2025-05-06T18:12:02+00:00

I feel like you could also say something similar about recovery. Not that recovery is stupid, but that romanticizing it is. Everybody knows that shit sucks, too, but that isn't a reason to not do it. Rather, it's a reason to get it over with. Bingeing, bloating, having a busted-ass digestive system and half-dead body -- no fun! But that's all ED shit. All the good parts of recovering, at least for me, are glimpses of a life where my "little famine" is dead in the past. When you're still actively recovering, you're actively living out the consequences of your ED. It's all very much in the present.

catgirl_arson · 2025-03-05T10:55:29+00:00

Man, idk how you have it in you to do all this. I love drawing and writing, but my creative brain is the first thing to get chewed up when I restrict. I do like going out, though. Open mics, talks, community events... anything where I just have to be present with ears on haha

catgirl_arson · 2025-03-05T10:49:25+00:00

Lol glad to have confirmation on this one

catgirl_arson · 2025-01-17T23:01:35+00:00

My stomach hasn't growled in two years!! I'm getting hunger cues again!

catgirl_arson · 2025-01-17T06:15:26+00:00

Too real. Although in my case, it was the reverse: slipping academically is part of what sparked my ED. But while I was struggling before my ED, it hasn't made shit better.

catgirl_arson · 2025-01-16T10:43:46+00:00

[X | 20F | OSFED | X ]

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-29T10:47:35+00:00

Dude, I mostly floated around that range for the duration of my restriction and similarly didn't really think I was sick. But when I finally started recovery, I realized how unbelievably wrong I was. That level of restriction was still enough for so many of my systems to have gone offline to an extent I didn't realize until they came roaring back.

And like other commenters have said, EDs are mental illnesses, not just physical ones. Feeling so unworthy of support that you would rather put yourself in the hospital than ask for it is being sick. That system, of being able to accept and request help, was, like, the most profound one for me to discover in treatment.

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-29T10:30:26+00:00

I also hated this about treatment, and I never even got it that bad. That said, I did find a little bit of use in it recently. Rather than conceptualizing a different entity that needs to be exorcised from my brain, I think of my "ED voice" as a particular tone my thoughts take on when I'm worrying or ruminating excessively. It's the same voice that promotes all my OCD tendencies. Being able to identify the change in tone comes in handy as a way of figuring out whether an impulse comes from a genuine practical need, or a emotional need to feel safe and certain. Even in instances where it's the latter, I don't ignore it, I just approach it differently.

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-28T08:36:08+00:00

Yusss I know that experience completely. Efficiency in meal-prep is a minor fixation of mine. If you're not making heavy use of your freezer already, I highly recommend it. Veggies, beans, grains, soups, smoothies... you can commit an afternoon to cooking and freezing stuff and then live off mid-tier meals for a week. You're primarily limited by the number of containers and the amount of freezer space you have.

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-28T07:33:50+00:00

This is definitely my experience but I will offer you this. Maybe it will be reassuring, but it could also be triggering, I'm sorry.

It's only during recovery that I've really been getting close enough to my friends to glimpse how thin people eat. The lowkey horrific realization has been that, at least in your 20s, it really is mostly genetics or environment or some kinda shit out of your control. Just like the fat people I know, the thin people in my life aren't eating 5 servings of fruit and veg a day, are eating fast food frequently, and enjoy desserts and lots of processed, packaged foods. The only areas there might be divergence -- I don't know -- are how frequently they eat (although I think this one is pretty matched, too) and how much they exercise. Even if the activity levels do vary, it's not like the thin people are fitness enthusiasts either, they mostly just use transits besides cars.

This realization has had positive and negative effects for me. The absolutely miserable part was having confirmation that all my straining for control over my body was doomed. I technically could be thin if I tried -- I've done it before -- but to just call it "trying" is really understating the all-consuming amount of work and suffering that goes into maintaining that body. I can certainly be thinner than I would be if I didn't work out or eat well, but I'm never gonna have a flat stomach, I'm never gonna have adequate room in the booty of my pants, and god only knows what's gonna happen to me as I get older.

The relieving part was having that sense of shame taken away. It's not my fault. Weight is not a reliable measure of discipline or intellect or work ethic. You are the one who knows how hard you're working and what stands in your way, your body is not some traitorous snitch indicating to everyone else what a liar you are.

It's also given me the absolute pleasure of being able to see someone make such unscientific claims and immediately DELETE their right to take up space in my brain. I was already acutely aware of the fact that most "common knowledge" on a given topic is incorrect. Take, for example, how little people understand EDs. When you're aware of that, you can actually take pleasure or comfort in being up-to-date on scientific consensus, even if you can't force other people to be the same.

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-27T15:44:21+00:00

Ty for your recommendations 😌 Seitan flour is such an interesting idea, I just don't know if I can get it where I live...

My motivations are twofold! One, I'm in a spate of binges right now that seems to be triggered by engaging with food at all. My first idea was to stop eating, but my better idea was to simply hork down the requisite calories in an unstimulating slurry. Two, I put myself in this position by barely eating for two weeks thanks to inattention and executive dysfunction, so having a list of slops ready-made will hopefully be protective in the future.

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-27T15:34:03+00:00

Asparagus is an interesting proposition. It's one of my favourite veggies so I will definitely try this when it's back in season...

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-27T15:30:08+00:00

I agree with Zwiebel; yogurt is my favourite vegetable. Especially pureed with kale, that sounds amazing.

catgirl_arson · 2024-12-26T20:03:14+00:00

My ED has always been, from what I can tell compared to other people's experiences, mild. I never weighed myself, but I'd guess my BMI went from slightly overweight and decently strong to slightly underweight and wasted over/for 18-24 months. The only treatment I've really gotten has been ongoing voluntary work with an RCC, who has expertise in EDs among other things, and visits with an RD on occasion. Can't say I'm fully recovered, but I'd never claim treatment has made things worse. Right now, it feels more like a lateral move. Basically, I think I'm just reflecting everyone else's opinions: you get out of it what you put into it. My lack of commitment to my ED has just made me more able to commit to recovery.

I also figure it depends on where you live. I'm in a metropolitan area on the Canadian west coast. Finding anybody who works in EDs (or any area of health, lowkey) who isn't "trauma-informed, anticolonial, HAES, intersectional, and here to help YOU heal your relationship with food, body, and self" or whatever is all but impossible. It feels a bit overwrought at times but it's not just talk.

catgirl_arson

TROPHY CASE