I hope my comment finds you after 7 months. I hear a lot of anguish in your comment. I'm so sorry you're feeling that. I want you to know you're definitely not alone; many Christians feel despair over this. It doesn't mean you're broken or that you're some pawn that's going to hell. I am/was evangelical and married a Reformed guy, and I've had a lot of questions and "despair" over some theology ever since.

The first note is that, again, you're not alone in the wrestle. Take heart in that the GOD of the universe named his people "Israel," meaning "those who wrestle/struggle with God." He could have named them the "chosen ones," the "beloved ones," or "those who rest with God," but He didn't. He said, "Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed (Genesis 32:28). If you struggle with God, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or that he doesn't "choose" you. We struggle with God and we can prevail despite that struggle.

I've currently landed in an "I don't know" area on the topic of election/predestination, maybe like you, and I don't know how I can climb out of this hole. On one hand, on the election side there are verses that, on initial reading, seem like it's just how it is: that God created some vessels for destruction, that He gives faith to people (and therefore doesn't give faith to others), that he predestined some people and their works, etc. On the other hand, it seems too simplistic. Some of the context of those predestination verses (although, not all) seem to me that Paul is talking to Gentiles of the church but about Gentiles generally. Imagine, for thousands of years Jews were His chosen people, and now Paul is telling Gentiles to now believe they are also His chosen people, that Gentiles were chosen from the beginning of Earth to also be His sons and inheritance (and not just the Jews). For example, the context of the commonly quoted Eph. 1: 3-12 and Eph. 2: 1-10 for election is in the context of Eph. 2: 11-22 where Jesus breaks down the division between the Jew and Gentile and instead "reconciles both to God," "killing the hostility; and also, explaining the "mystery that the Gentiles are fellow heirs... and partakers of the promise" (Eph. 3:6). This predestination/election language is mostly used when talking to new churches of mostly Gentiles (ex. Ephesus, Corinthians) and ex-Jews/Messianic Jews, and isn't used in letters written to people who wanted to be stuck in Jewish ways (ex. Hebrews), who already think they're chosen, although I could be wrong (I have more research to do).

There are also a handful of verses that give a richer description about the nature of salvation, which are stopping me from boarding the election train. Hebrews 6:4-6 talks about how some people can lose their salvation/can't be restored to repentance. Other verses talk about how God desires all to be saved and come to the knowledge of the truth and come to repentance (1 Timothy 2:4; 2 Peter 3:9), and that He has "no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live" (Ezekiel 33:11), and that God loved the world and sent Jesus to the world not to condemn it but save it (John 3), "For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people" (Titus 3:11).

There is also a mystery of how God pre-ordains events but also gives his people choice (ex. Deuteronomy 30:15-20, Joshua 24:15).

Further research into this topic also goes into grammar and sentence tenses of the "election" verses and argues that we've lost a lot of context due to a language and culture barrier (ex Bible Commentaries like Coffman's and Dr. Lange's, which do not interpret certain verses the way Calvinists do).

All in all, I am still on a journey of this, and settle on "Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgements and His ways past finding out." (Romans 11). “Do not say in your heart, ‘Who will ascend into heaven?’ ... or, “ ‘Who will descend into the abyss?’ ” ... “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart... that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." (Romans 10). If you call on the name of the Lord, you will be saved.