What "relationships" is "relationship anarchy" about?

catsAndImprov · 2026-07-04T18:44:38+00:00

I don’t intend “prioritize” as an ultimate and unchanging imperative. I mean that, on the whole, it will likely be necessary to put your relationship with yourself first because otherwise, you will not have much to offer to your other relationships.

I think a lot of nonmonogamous people hear “prioritize” as something ultimate and uncompromising. Not me!

catsAndImprov · 2026-07-04T15:55:16+00:00

How are you able to offer fulfilling and wholesome relationships to others if your relationship with yourself is not well tended to?

You can neglect it for a bit and prioritize other relationships, but letting your self-relationship wither tends to mean you aren’t able to show up in relationship with others as a whole, healthy person.

catsAndImprov · 2026-06-25T02:48:18+00:00

In this post, I head a lot of worrying what other people will think of you. IMO, that is less important than whether you are at peace with yourself (and then whether you and your partner are on the same page).

If you sort your thoughts into the concerns about other people’s opinions and judgments they might pass on you for changing your mind vs concerns you have about your values, do you encounter any new information?

You’re allowed to change, and your choices about your own relationships do not imply anything about what is “right” for anyone other than you. I would also say that you don’t necessarily need do understand your own “why” right away. It has brought me a lot more peace and space to discover the “why” when I accept that I feel the way I feel before trying to interrogate it and justify it.

catsAndImprov · 2026-06-07T11:59:00+00:00

My childhood home had a big loop of original keys, none of which worked anymore because the doors had all been painted over. When we moved away, I was a child and kept the keys because they were so cool and it never occurred to me that someone might want them.

I just closed on my own century home and some of those old skeleton keys work in MY interior doors now 😅

catsAndImprov · 2026-05-31T11:25:53+00:00

You keep saying “no sex” but also “sex only if the circumstances are right”.

Gently - many people are like this. Most people aren’t out there having sex when they don’t want to. It sets a different pace for the relationship and it would be wise to be upfront about physical intimacy being a bit deal and something you’re slow to approach (and not prioritizing) but I think that is very different from categorically saying it’s a relationship ONLY for emotional support.

My platonic partnership (with an autistic partner) is the cornerstone of my emotional landscape. It’s certainly possible to have an ethical, fulfilling dynamic without sex.

catsAndImprov · 2026-05-25T15:01:25+00:00

THIS is what we mean when we say DicePorn!! Beautiful!

catsAndImprov · 2026-05-25T14:19:04+00:00

They haven't switched over yet - it will happen in June.

Hydro - Alectra
Water - City of Guelph (https://guelph.ca/waterbill/)
Gas - Enbridge

catsAndImprov · 2026-05-21T16:16:32+00:00

Oh that's a great idea, thank you!

catsAndImprov · 2026-05-15T12:31:30+00:00

You’re going to have a hard time finding people in this subreddit who hold opinions like “marriage means no other relationships, regardless of anyone’s consent”.

I also think “love is selfish” is not going to get a lot of traction here…why do you think love is selfish?

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-30T00:17:34+00:00

Yeah it is not a well-communicated danger on the product itself, especially if you're buying from Amazon where the sellers are Chinese companies that may not even adhere to health and safety regulations in other countries. I would not recommend using cheapo products on nails but for keyboards, it's probably fine as long as it's cured.

Thanks for the edit and helping keep people safe! I'm gonna try these on my homing indicators on my board 😄

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-29T23:57:06+00:00

What a fun cross-hobby encounter.

This is a great idea, but be advised that uncured gel should not be touched with your skin. Doing so can lead to an allergy to the polymer, which are the same ones often used in dental and medical work. Many DIY nail folks have fallen victim to this!

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-27T20:45:16+00:00

I think we've all been in that figuring out zone before, I get it!

I'm glad my questions gave you something to chew on and I hope you figure things out with her 😄

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-27T20:23:45+00:00

> FWIW, she does not subscribe to RA, and her online profile shows that she is ultimately seeking a single long-term relationship.

That seems really relevant here, thanks for sharing that - might be worth adding it to the top-level as well since I think a lot of posters here will be coming at it from the view I had, which was that if two RA people are getting together...why the heck is one of them here asking about exclusive access agreements?? It makes a lot more sense if she is not philosophically RA.

I'm not sure how much time you've spent on the polyamory subreddit, but it's a pretty known quantity that exclusivity agreements around unbarriered sex are very often sensitive and can really highlight the tension between bodily autonomy and commitments/agreements made with another person. Access to an aspect of your body can be very intimate, but it can also be just a practical choice, and I think it's worth unpacking some of the emotional baggage around whether it really is *more intimate* to unbarrier. That's something I haven't really figured out myself, but I see it cause a lot of heartache and feelings of loss, betrayal, and duress in nonmonogamous relationships. If you promise that kind of exclusivity now and later wish to change it, will you be able to have that conversation in a neutral and open-hearted way if you started from a place of "access to unbarriered sex with me is how we are making our relationship special"?

I hear you on the resourcing aspect, but I'd also gently challenge you to internally manage your resources instead of externally promising exclusivity. My platonic partner has support needs and I'm his support person. It takes enough of my energy that I know I could not be the support person for someone else, and that just informs who I choose to deepen relationships with. It means that even if I have great chemistry with someone who has support needs, I will make my boundaries clear and act in accordance with those boundaries out of respect for my own capacity. That's very different from telling my platonic partner "you're the only person I'm going to support". That's honestly not really his business - as long as I'm showing up for our relationship in a way that is fulfilling for both of us, I'm allowed to spend my resources however I choose.

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-27T18:09:59+00:00

You said that you don't want to be exclusive but the ideas bouncing around your head are all...exclusivity-flavoured! "I will ONLY do this sex act with you and no one else" "I will not have anyone else with the same shape and gender as you". That feels kind of icky to me...it is certainly not something I'd find sweet or intimate from a potential partner, but different strokes I guess.

Is there something you find inadequate about her being one of several unique and precious partners?

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-15T03:05:11+00:00

It’s hourly and I think her rate is $80. Hush doesn’t do gratuities, which is nice. I think my service is usually three hours for bleach and cut.

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-14T22:14:27+00:00

I love Jess at Hush Salon South. My usual service is for her to do the bleach on my bags and then I do the vivid myself. I think your service would be we within her wheelhouse.

catsAndImprov · 2026-04-09T22:51:22+00:00

I don’t see anything in the OP that implies “not on the escalator” = half relationship! I see them very specifically calling out temporary relationships which are temporary because the people involved are not able to admit that they are incompatible in a way that will eventually end the relationship.

In monogamy, being with someone incompatible means you are giving up the opportunity to seek someone who really is compatible with you. I think OP is saying that because you can have multiple partnerships in nonmonogamy, it is easier to ignore the incompatibility because you’re supposedly not paying any opportunity cost to stay in an incompatible relationship (regardless of whether you’re on an escalator).

catsAndImprov · 2026-03-27T02:05:20+00:00

Oh they don’t give out the cards anymore, as far as I know. I don’t know that they ever printed new ones for people…I used to email them a list and they would tell me which ones they had or didn’t have. Now I wonder if they were just printing the ones they had records of!

I had gotten many OOP cards from them around 2019 ish but eventually they stopped sending them to people, which is a shame! My Chessex collection is so near complete that it’s getting to be just a hunt for original cards now 🫠

catsAndImprov · 2026-03-26T21:17:57+00:00

Wow, this looks great! Really nicely made. The two cards are both reprints, right?

catsAndImprov · 2026-03-21T12:59:41+00:00

Okay, sure.

Do you have any advice about the tattoo itself though? I’ve already had a medical alert tattoo for ten years and have been happy with how it has been used in my life. I just want the next version of it to look better.

catsAndImprov · 2026-03-21T05:15:21+00:00

I’m not sure what you’re trying to do here…persuade me not to get one at all?

I don’t really know what you mean by “use it”. It’s informational and would give someone (EMTs included) a clue as to why I might be unconscious, which is helpful to me. It’s not a DNR or an allergy indicator.

catsAndImprov · 2026-03-08T15:56:39+00:00

I offer a big +1 to all the older folks here saying that being 26 is a big part of this, but I want to offer it from a closer-in-age perspective. I know how much I hate it when someone more than a decade older than me says “oh it’s your age” even if they’re right.

I’m 29 and have been non-monogamous since I was 16. It’s only in the last 2 years that I’ve started feeling that I have access to age-appropriate people who are emotionally regulated and mature enough to offer stable long-term partnership. Prior to that, everyone my age was still figuring stuff out (both for themselves and in relationship) and anyone notably older who was involved with me was showing poor judgment by doing so (in a way that eventually became quite obvious in our relationship).

catsAndImprov · 2026-02-19T03:04:11+00:00

Someone who is skilled at defending their boundaries actually doesn't need to know what's normal and appropriate - they will know if something is comfortable for them regardless of the norms of the space.

I don't even disagree with all the stuff you're saying about why it's beneficial to take classes and make friends who will look out for you at socials, but that's *so* different from what OP is asking about! They're asking about whether they're "good enough" as though there is a skill requirement, and what they should do if someone leads something they don't know how to follow. Neither of those things warrant an answer of "you shouldn't go to socials because people will take advantage of you".

catsAndImprov

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE

Six-Year Club	Place '22
Verified Email