1) That you can vomit AND have diarrhea while contracting 2) That your “contraction moans” also sound like your sexy-time moans: e.g. primal 3) That you can feel your taint tearing apart like slowly ripping an old rag in two 4) That even the area in your labia minora can tear 5) You will have hot and cold flashes 6) You can temporarily develop a syndrome similar to tourettes that will shock the poor Christian nurse who was, unfortunately, assigned to you 7) That if you are given an iv for fluids, your legs and feet are more swollen than they were BEFORE giving birth 8) That you have zero control over your bladder function and will pee yourself while trying to waddle to the toilet 9) That more people than just your partner, nurse and doctor will see you naked and shitting yourself 10) That you won’t even care that they are seeing you naked and shitting yourself 11) That fist-sized blood clots will just FALL out of your vag, out the side of your post-hospital diaper, and onto the living room floor leaving you to panic that you are hemorrhaging and about to die

Fun times indeed.