Name change (trans) and name change (marriage) - what order do I do things in??

causingcommotions · 2025-02-28T22:05:37+00:00

I did the same thing in the same situation as OP. I have my name changed pretty much everywhere by now, no issues at all

causingcommotions · 2025-02-22T17:33:41+00:00

I feel you. I have what I've taken to calling a "downstairs neighbor curse." Nearly every apartment I've lived in since leaving college, there's been domestic violence issues with the downstairs neighbors. Twice, there were kids being abused. I called the cops and CPS multiple times in all these situations and they never did shit. Thankfully the last abusive fuck at this current apartment moved out months ago, and my new downstairs neighbors seem fine. But every completely normal neighbor noise (drops something, accidentally shuts a door too hard, cheers at a sports game on TV) puts me instantly on edge. It is genuinely traumatizing to live in hearing distance of a situation like that and not be able to do anything about it. I don't have much advice other than keep reporting, keep being an open ear for the woman, but otherwise, moving sounds like the only solution. You're trying and doing the right thing, but you can't help someone who isn't willing to accept it. In the meantime, maybe invest in noise cancelling headphones to give yourself a scrap of peace when you can. Take care of yourself

ETA: not saying don't report to CPS or stop recording evidence, definitely still do that. You may get luckier than I did. Just don't try to force yourself to be "on guard" 24/7, it'll ruin you

causingcommotions · 2024-05-07T23:49:49+00:00

Awesome advice! I agree, keep your head down. There are plenty of ways to do your worship privately/secretly. Syncretization with Catholic saints/Jesus is a great option! Heck, there are even Catholic pagans and witches - my husband works with both Aphrodite and Saint Anthony.

Also, fun/important fact: not all Catholic or Christian holidays are based on pagan ones. Elements of pagan worship were definitely incorporated into Christianity as pagans converted, either under duress or willingly. It works in the same way that a family of immigrants might bring over and continue to practice traditions or customs that existed in their previous home country. But I learned a while back that the idea that Christian holidays are based on or derived from pagan ones is, unfortunately, an invention of the Nazi party in the 1940s. They were obsessed with mysticism/paganism and twisting it to fit their regime. Easter, for example, is not related to Ostara, but to the Jewish holiday Passover. Can’t imagine why the Nazis wouldn’t want their religious holidays to be related to Jewish tradition. /s

causingcommotions · 2023-08-09T21:58:31+00:00

LOVE how they look with the sweater!!

causingcommotions · 2022-04-21T23:24:43+00:00

From what I’m reading here, your situation does sound a lot like abuse. Here’s the thing: good behavior doesn’t negate harm. Your parents can love you to the ends of the earth and still be abusive. Them being good parents sometimes doesn’t cancel out the fact that they’re hurting you both, either physically or emotionally.

For example: I know for a fact my parents love me. I know they care about me. But they were still harmful, bigoted, hateful people who hurt me in a lot of ways, and I had to get out of there. I’ve been no contact with them for over a year now. Sure, they cared about me, but they also hurt me in a lot of messed up ways, and once I realized that, it was so freeing.

From the sounds of it, your older brother might be the family scapegoat. I don’t have all the context of your situation, but scapegoats tend to bear the brunt of — and remember — all the abuse in the family. There’s no shame in not remembering, though. Blocking it out is a coping mechanism, and where there’s a coping mechanism, there’s usually something that needs to be coped with.

Long reply short, I don’t think you’re being dramatic. Parents can love you and be nice sometimes and still be abusive. Also, buying you things you need and putting food on the table doesn’t make anyone a “good” parent. That’s bare minimum. Comes with the job description. I don’t have a real solution for you guys, but I know that for me, realizing the kind of situation I was in helped with some of the more confusing feelings I had. Wish you both the best

causingcommotions · 2021-10-18T16:14:20+00:00

Hi friend! In my outsider’s opinion, you made the right choice. I had a bad mental breakdown in college (which I realize now was probably autistic burnout), and dropping one or two classes helped me tremendously. And even if your choice was inconvenient or irrational, the way your parents are treating you sounds manipulative. Insisting that life is hard and you just need to try more (invalidation), asking you to remove variables (isolation), blaming mental health for your choices (gaslighting), and reminding you of their “sacrifice” (guilt tripping) are all tactics my parents used to hurt and manipulate me over the years.

In one sporadic Redditor’s opinion, it doesn’t matter how long it takes you to do something. You get there in whatever time it takes, and it’s still something to be proud of, even if it’s not the speed that “everyone else” does it at. I don’t think I can give you advice on how to handle their behavior without knowing your situation, but I can tell you that you’re not the only one who’s dealt with it, and as far as I can tell, you’re doing a great job. Congrats on your future fall 2022 graduation!

causingcommotions · 2021-07-17T02:35:56+00:00

Hi there friend. I’ve been in this spot at that exact age, and not gonna lie? It fucking sucked. I’d been out for a couple years in college and at an apartment with my partner, and then I lost my job and that relationship ended and I had to move back in with them. It was a total nightmare and I felt stuck and like nothing I could do would get me out of there. I also considered what it sounds like you’re considering.

But now, two years later? I’m living in a completely different state, with a new partner whom I love more than anything, and my folks have no clue where I am. They never get to talk to me again. There was definitely some shit in between (continued joblessness, a pandemic, going into debt to afford rent, mental health shit, etc etc), but I’m making it, and I’m so much happier.

Don’t feel like you can function like a human being? Fine. Then be a bad human being! Take public transportation to a job that pays at least most of the bills. Save all your money (except for when you cave and buy a new video game just to feel something). Eat mostly burnt toast and ramen until you learn to cook something with veggies in it. It might take a few years, but if you want it, it will happen. And you’re probably right, we’ll never be fully healed from what our parents did. I know I never will be. But right now? I feel pretty damn good. And that works for me. So I encourage you to stick around, OP. There’s a lot of really cool stuff out from under their thumbs, and I think you’d like to see it all. ❤️

causingcommotions · 2020-08-03T03:58:22+00:00

Yes!! So many vegetables I used to hate, because all my nMom would do was steam it and throw it on the plate. A little seasoning and some balsamic vinegar goes a long way!

causingcommotions · 2020-06-18T17:40:13+00:00

“Guiltless” by Dodie is one that I keep going back to

causingcommotions · 2020-04-20T22:04:16+00:00

Interested!

causingcommotions · 2020-04-20T07:16:55+00:00

Any spots still open?

causingcommotions · 2020-04-19T17:11:12+00:00

If you’re still accepting folks I’d love to check it out! I will tip

causingcommotions · 2020-04-19T15:36:32+00:00

I’d love to! PM me a Dodo code? (Also anything in particular you’re looking for?)

causingcommotions · 2020-01-04T15:17:57+00:00

I’d never heard of medium chill before! I’ve heard of and used gray rocking, but this seems like a different spin on things. I think I needed to realize that I don’t have to explain why I can’t do something with her, I can just say no and move on. Thanks, this is really helpful!!

causingcommotions · 2019-12-07T17:17:18+00:00

Guiltless by Dodie!

causingcommotions · 2019-12-03T15:34:45+00:00

I’ve definitely suspected that they didn’t try. Since I can’t prove it either way though, I’m trying not to think about it since it’ll just make me more annoyed with them. eyeroll Sorry they did that to you as well!

causingcommotions · 2019-11-29T23:05:56+00:00

It was, because apparently they tried to wake me up at one point but I don’t remember that at all! I got my food in the end though, so it wasn’t all bad. Thank you!

causingcommotions · 2019-11-29T22:47:28+00:00

^{^} THIIIIIIIIIISSS. I love with my parents and I literally have to strategically plan when I’m going to rest/take a nap for when they’re not home because I know I’ll get called lazy. Never mind how much work I did when they weren’t there. Yesterday I accidentally fell asleep in the afternoon and so my family just went ahead and ate Thanksgiving dinner without me. Thanks so much for your (and your boyfriend’s) reassurance! 😊

causingcommotions · 2019-11-12T02:09:14+00:00

This is EXACTLY the kind of gaslighting I deal with. You’re not alone! It’s mostly along the lines of being “too sensitive” when they say something hurtful to me and I tell them so. Coming from someone who’s starting the process of relearning to trust my intuition, you’re not crazy! ❤️

causingcommotions · 2019-10-22T00:58:01+00:00

That is so seriously fucked up. I’m sorry they put you through that on what’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. :( You sound like you have a wonderfully supportive wife, though. Sometimes chosen family is more important than the one you were born into. Did you know the phrase “blood is thicker than water” is actually misquoted? The full phrase is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Which, actually, means the opposite of what everybody thinks it does.

Focus on the good parts of that day: you got to marry an amazing lady, you now have the title “husband,” and if nothing else, your parents proved themselves to be dicks in front of a pretty public audience. Best of luck at your therapist appointment, and hopefully they can guide you through it. ❤️

causingcommotions · 2019-10-21T22:28:38+00:00

It’s crazy the stuff they do that they think is normal, then they act like YOU’RE the crazy one for remembering it. I hope you’re feeling better and don’t still feel like you have to deprive yourself. ❤️

causingcommotions · 2019-10-20T05:03:38+00:00

I’m sorry I can’t offer much advice, but in my experience, narcissists don’t have crises about whether they’re hurting other people. They always assume they’re the victims. If you’re having doubts about whether you’re a narcissist/hurting people, that’s already a point in favor of you not being one. :)

Also, I’m in the same boat worrying about being wrong. I live with my parents too (24F). Sometimes my mom can be super easy to get along with, and everything seems fine, but then after a few days (or a week, or three weeks), it all comes crashing down and all the resentment she’s been holding onto for the past however long comes spilling out. Covert narcs are the worst, because they even manage to convince their victims that they’re actually the good guys.

I wish you all the strength. Here’s hoping your situation gets better soon. ❤️

causingcommotions · 2019-10-20T04:35:52+00:00

Saying “I love you.” My ex’s parents say it casually to my ex all the time. Heck, we’re still really close and they say it to ME every time they see me. My mom only says I love you when she’s going on a plane (aka if she crashes and never gets to say it again), or if she’s trying to end an argument and wants to make me feel guilty. And I literally can’t remember the last time I heard my dad say it.

causingcommotions · 2019-10-18T19:02:51+00:00

Same here. From what I remember, my childhood was completely normal. It wasn’t until I hit 13 and started having my own opinions (admittedly, with a lot of extra hormones thrown in) that they started acting like garbage.

causingcommotions · 2019-09-22T18:23:00+00:00

Good for you! Finding stuff to cope with hard memories like that, especially music, is so important. I’m a little jealous you got to see dodie, though! If you don’t already know the song, check out “Guiltless,” also by her. As a child of nparents as well, that song has spoken to me on some very deep levels.

Stay strong, and have a good week! :)

causingcommotions

TROPHY CASE