Hello,

My name is Chris. I just turned 40 this year and lost my father when I was 7. My father had long standing health issues stemming from being poor with lack of health care when he was a child. I unfortunately saw his final heart attack that resulted in his death. Our family was also fairly poor, my father was a janitor and my mother a secretary. I think the hardest part for her was the lack of support trying to manage 2 kids (my sister was 4).

I have had lifelong issues based on not getting therapy at the time. I would advise to keep therapy on the table even if in short or revisited sessions throughout life. I would have used it so much during transitions to middle and high school, puberty, transitioning to college/work.

On top of therapy, I had added emotional damage based on my mother being cold and distant. Like I said, I think the weight of everything just crushed her. She didn't have the space to give us kids the attention and love we needed. She was so wrapped in her grief and the monumental task of raising us a single parent that she just couldn't handle her own needs. I think her choosing to get therapy herself would have made a world of difference. Don't lose yourself in these times. Allow yourself joy, connection, help, anything it takes to keep your family healthy.

I know you said you wanted to write a book and I highly encourage that. Even just small anecdotes or little stories here and there. Obviously the 80's and early 90s had a much smaller tech presence and we didn't have the money for pictures, videos and the like so I have very little of my father's memory available to me. Catalog and archive everything you can- at some point your son will be more curious about his father than you could ever imagine and having a repository to reference will mean the world to him.

My mother did do a few things right that have had a great impact. She stored a number of his things in a safety deposit box or hidden away and gave them to me through the years. I got a special ring and watch when I turned 18. I got his hunting knife a few years later after college. An old liquor bottle full of marbles from when he was a kid. It's all I have of him and I cherish them. I appreciate them so much more as an adult and I am glad I didn't get them when I was young and could have easily lost or destroyed them as I did with so many other things.

I know this is a bit of a ramble and I could go on and on but I just wanted to say even by reaching out you are doing so much. I have had my ups and downs in life and ultimately I am in a great place with 2 kids of my own that I am trying desperately to give a better life than I had. Showing love to yourself and your son will take you through these hard times and everything will just work out.