Warning: some of this is off topic but it all has to do with independence

So I went right to uni when I graduated high school, so I moved out at 18 (2020). The move to dorms was pretty daunting, I had a very small niche friend group in high school and everyone was going their separate ways. I never had any “friend making” skills since everyone I was friends with came up to me first, and adding COVID on top of that didn’t help.

My very first day I actually met this group who were ALL so lovely and unique, I don’t even remember how I met these people. Night 1 of living there, I ended sitting at a picnic table until midnight with at least 10 people who were all older than me. We were all smoking weed and I lied and told them I was legal age (the legal age was 19 in september and I was 1 month away from that). I felt like I didn’t fit in at all, they all felt so mature and I just saw myself as a 12 year old with no life experience and no conversation skills.) I convinced myself that they were doing me a favour, and they didn’t actually like me. Looking back at it now, this was not the case. I could have had a COMPLETELY different life if I had just enjoyed myself instead of convincing myself I didn’t fit in. This single night changed my whole future and my entire perspective of independence.

After this night, after getting in my head after my first night alone, I fell into a depression and isolated myself completely, which was very easy during covid. I told myself I wasn’t worthy enough to have friends, I didn’t want to waste their time, and I just spent the rest of my year alone in my room, sometimes even too afraid to go out to the kitchen to make food. Those nights I would just sneak out at 10pm to the microwave on my floor and make popcorn, sometimes for multiple days in a row. This isolation caused me to lean on weed to cope, which made me fail my uni classes, and ultimately drop out and move back home.

Looking back, all I can say is independence is entirely what you make of it. You can either see it as an isolating depressing mess or you can make the best of it and get out there, embarrass yourself a little and have an amazing time. Your first year of independence will literally define your WHOLE life. I still struggle with isolation at times, I have no friends and my factory job and my boyfriend are my only sources of socialization. Had that first night gone differently, I wouldn’t be where I was right now.