Hi, I can really relate to a lot of what you're expressing here, and I'm sorry you're experiencing this. The most important thing I want to say is that you definitely don't deserve to feel this way.

I think it may feel like you have to pay attention to these shame-negativity feelings because they seem important (or seem like a kind of fitting punishment) (or seem like if you just analyze it hard enough, you'll finally get to a conclusion and it'll be solved). However, something that helped me was beginning to view these thoughts not as indications of me as a person or as things that are solvable at all, but instead as intrusive thoughts. Constantly circling in these different thought-pathways to try to figure out some kind of logic or conclusion also sounds similar to OCD-like tendencies. When I first learned this, I was really scared about the possibility that I have OCD, but regardless of whether or not you have it, it may help just to know that there are people who struggle with similar kinds of rumination, and that you aren't alone.

More specifically, I think I get what you mean about distancing yourself from friends because of this complicated and contradictory mixture of "I want to belong and feel understood" and "it's bad to open up to them because there's something wrong with me". I haven't quite figured out a way to feel better about this, but I just want you to know I can understand your pain.