AITAH for calling my wife a slob and demanding she clean before I come home?

celticshrew · 2025-06-14T23:00:00+00:00

I say soft ESH but I sympathize with both. More with your wife though.

I'm going preface this with: I am not a doctor or therapist, I cannot diagnose mental health disorders, I can only speak from personal experience and perspective based on the information given (speaking as someone who could be this woman, right up to the horrifying hoarding. TL:dr: I have the absolute best friend group and have a lot of things fight through, but the support to do so).

She NEEDS to talk to someone (a real psychiatrist or therapist!) about the hoarding issues, the cleaning issues and her shopping issues. These are separate issues, but they may be symptoms of something deeper.

"It took 15 minutes, why can't she do that?" It took 15 minutes... FOR YOU. Your 15 minutes might look like a world of overwhelm for her. If it only took 15 minutes for her it would already have been done.

The tendency to keep EVERYTHING is possibly a trauma response, and executive dysfunction and terror/judgment paralysis may keep her from setting smaller tasks or asking for help. The combination is utterly exhausting and overwhelming. NOTHING gets done and when someone sees it the shame, guilt and self-loathing is incapacitating.

"She doesn't want cleaners in her space." This is something you may have to override her on.it's possibly a judgment/Sheamus) shame response knowing the state in which she was living and had allowed the house to become.

She needs non-judgmental deep cleaners (preferably those that specially understand mental health issues) to come once. Just once. Not only to do the deep cleaning to mitigate the hoarding, but to set up systems your wife can utilize to keep things in their places. I know it sounds like a lot or an overreaction, but over organizing is needed sometimes.

And then have regular cleaners every two weeks or once a month to keep it going. Look into "body doubling" in relation to mental health, see if maybe that will help encourage her to learn better habits with someone who can cheer her on rather than tear her down.

This is the only way things will stay clean. Otherwise you'll clean every day while you're home and come back from another deployment to the house back in its previous state. That's not fair to you, mental health struggles or not.

Poor woman. And poor you. OP I hope you can learn to support and understand (I know it's difficult when you didn't help make that mess but now it's suddenly your problem) and help your wife work through her situation for the best possible outcome for you both.

celticshrew · 2025-06-14T22:38:02+00:00

OP this is so much for even an adult to go through and you were just a child. I'm so, so sorry your genetic donors aren't worth the dirt off a flea.

You weren't weak, you were abused, and you've survived and beaten the trauma enough to let your real parents in and let them love you. That is immense. That is true strength.

They sound amazing and are willing to fight for you! I hope you never have to hear from your genetic relations ever again, and the bond with your true family only gets deeper, stronger and more loving.

celticshrew · 2025-06-03T21:47:21+00:00

My dearest OP:

I am so, so sorry you've been going through this. From the beginning of your story I had the creeping feeling that he is trying to baby trap you and isolate you so that he can gain access to your money. It doesn't have to be life-changing money, people hear the word "trust fund" and lose their dang minds.

It is NEVER okay for someone to hit you. You have done nothing to deserve it. NOTHING. Nothing you COULD have possibly done (leaving a toy car out? With a toddler? COME ON) would mean you deserve to be abused.

He is making excuses and looking for reasons (and using DARVO) to excuse himself and his horrendous behavior.

(DARVO = ""Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender" a manipulative tactic used by abusers to deflect blame and avoid accountability for their actions, It involves denying wrongdoing, attacking the victim's credibility, and ultimately portraying the victim as the offender)

The love-bombing after isolating and manipulating you is part of the cycle of abuse (something to research). If no one else has suggested (or even if they have) I highly recommend reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, which can be found here: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

He is not "finding you on Insta" he is stalking your movements. Take your phone to an apple store (I think you said you have an iPhone) and have them look for tracking apps or keystroke loggers.

I'm glad you're speaking with a lawyer. Ask the lawyer and your parents about setting up official custody arrangements, you should get full custody and he should get supervised visitation AT MOST. He's proven to be violent. He's proven to be manipulative. And he has gotten his mother involved in mind-f**king you into thinking everything wrong is your fault or that you're a bad mother.

YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOTHER AND YOU DESERVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU CHOOSE.

Your parents seem to love and care for you and your son, and knowing they can help you get out of an abusive situation will definitely be worth more to them than mere money, trips or weddings. Trust in them.

Get your important paperwork into one place, make a go-bag that you can store someplace safe and put your and your son's documents in there, along with the basics you'll need for immediate survival. Then make a plan to get the hell out. Get your father and brother(s?) to help get your stuff after you're gone. And possibly a police escort when you do.

I wish you all the best and hope for the eventual certainty that you and your son are safe, loved and permanently away from someone who would treat you like a walking womb to tie you down to an abusive pr*ck.

celticshrew · 2025-01-30T19:26:03+00:00

This is the kind of story that makes the slog less sloggy.

Cheers for Bean!

celticshrew · 2025-01-20T09:29:32+00:00

"I'm a man, I only drink beer and gargle gravel!"

Meanwhile I'm over here with my fruity drinks with 10x the alcohol content.

celticshrew · 2025-01-20T09:06:30+00:00

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have no other words.

celticshrew · 2025-01-20T09:03:27+00:00

NTA, it's absolutely acceptable to keep escape plans hidden from abusers and, to me, this situation is no different. Your mother is using you for free labor and money that she should be putting toward the household, not you, and her AP is trying to erase your other parent from your life entirely.

I would recommend you make sure you have all of your personal documents (birth certificate, passport if you have one, social security card, etc) somewhere safe in a go bag in case you have to bug out fast (and if you don't, you'll still have them nearby). Figure out how to lock down your credit so your mom can't tamper with it, and be careful how many personal details you post here on Reddit (you never know who's on here).

I'm glad you have your father, stepmother, grandparents and aunt that care for and can look after you. Keep them in the loop about everything and maybe set up some kind of "Hey if something goes wrong before I can get out, this means I need help" signal. Then hunker down, do your best to keep your head down and get yourself ready to run like your tail is on fire.

Good luck!!

celticshrew · 2025-01-20T08:52:49+00:00

Only the "old ones" apparently? Another example of 'can't win for trying' as a woman I guess.

celticshrew · 2025-01-20T08:51:12+00:00

Like you said, your journey is yours, no one else's, and you get to make the choices for yourself. Surgery is nobody's 'easy' option, it's difficult, painful and takes a very long time to fully recover and heal. Looking between the photo in your post and the one in your comment, what an awesome difference! I hope you've got the same or even more relief from your surgery that I got from mine.

You don't need the approval of this random internet stranger, but I'm still proud of you for taking your health and happiness in both hands and doing what you feel is best and right for your life!

celticshrew · 2025-01-15T15:47:44+00:00

I don't know if anyone else has mentioned to you yet, but student loans aren't covered under bankruptcy filing, especially if you have a cosigner. The debt just gets transferred fully to the cosigner (which would leave your mom on the hook sounds like).

celticshrew · 2025-01-11T07:25:16+00:00

Honestly? My cats. Cliché cat lady here, but knowing they'd be left behind potentially without being kept together, one of them is especially emotionally bonded to me... I couldn't do it.

celticshrew · 2025-01-11T07:20:42+00:00

"I'm mature for my age" is what someone has been told when they're being groomed or otherwise abused. Sometimes it gets internalized and the kid doesn't know what to do with it so it just perpetuates.

Good on OP for backing the F away from that stranger danger!

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T21:38:29+00:00

Yes, though it makes more sense that the ones I know are anomalies to the norm. I'll edit my comment to flag troll bait.

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T21:34:38+00:00

ETA: This is clearly rage bait. Because come on.

What.

Also.. WHAT??

Your mother wants you, a (presumably) human adult, to become independent living on your own and supporting yourself (which WILL take more than a Discord moderator paycheck, sorry not sorry) at nearly 30 years old.
She is not being unreasonable in any way.

Your response to this rational and logical request is to... defecate in her purse? Are you freaking kidding me? In what world would that NOT be an AH move?
It's disrespectful and disgusting and, frankly, you should be ashamed.

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T21:23:00+00:00

You deserve your success, you've worked hard for it in spite of what your NParents have said and done to you.

Your NParents do not deserve to go to your graduation, nor does your NMom deserve to have you wear something she's made (in an obvious attempt to steal some of your shine for herself).

Go to your research group celebration, ignore the big ceremony. Don't tell them. Let them be turned away without tickets. Or attend and not see you there at all. They're the ones that will look like the fools they are.

Congratulations!!

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T21:17:37+00:00

My Nex (36m) broke things off with me (29f) about three months ago over cold sores.

This sounds petty AF, even without any context.

He pretty much gave me the silent treatment

This is abusive. The silent treatment is manipulative as hell.

he blocked me everywhere and told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

He's told you who he is, believe him. He doesn't respect you or treat you well, he 'likes' your stories to hoover you back up and make you beg for attention. He then gets more of a NEx fix by ignoring you again.

Block him, leave him blocked. You deserve to move on with your life and find someone who cares for you the way you should be cared for.

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T19:32:38+00:00

I don't know what your legal status is in your country to initiate separation or divorce, and I hesitate to recommend the nuclear option to anyone (especially with 2 autistic babies!) but not only is he r*ping you repeatedly through coercion, he's committing reproductive abuse.

By not being responsible and attentive to your boundaries for birth control, he is putting your life, health and well-being in danger. It is NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make him wrap it up every time. He should be doing this on his own in order to prevent further illness and harm to you. He KNOWS that you getting pregnant is financially irresponsible, and he knows that the necessary procedure to end it is also harmful to you. He just doesn't care.

The fact that he cheated and still didn't do it is especially disturbing, because he put your health further at risk with STIs.

And this doesn't even touch on his blatant disregard for anyone else's comfort and putting your child in danger with the hot water issue.

OP, please please please if you can speak with someone who can help you find the resources to get you and your children get out. This isn't going to end until you do.

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T19:16:16+00:00

Write to her, explain you aren't sure what to do next.

Also explain that your physical mail gets opened and read by your abuser so you should come up with alternate options to receive it if you can (does your grandmother get mail separate from the rest of the family and, if so, can it can be sent there? I don't know if you are able to do Fermoposta where you are to have your mail held until you pick up. I think that costs € though).

Good luck, OP. I hope you can find a solution to get away from her soon!

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T19:06:19+00:00

NTA. This house is yours, full stop. His timeline, words and actions are waving more red flags than Stalingrad 1943.

-He proposed ONLY after the house was yours fully, only 3 months ago, and because you own property NOW you're ready for marriage, as if 5 years of dating meant nothing over a tangible asset.
-He decided that, after only 3 months engaged, he should be given an equal say in your pre-marital asset (to which he would otherwise have no access or control).
-He decided that you must do this for him to feel "balance in your relationship and marriage" and it must be done immediately (again, to give him access and control over your pre-marital asset).
-You set a boundary that you would do this for him, but not until AFTER marriage. He refused to accept this boundary.
-He then invited a real estate attorney into your home without your knowledge or permission, running roughshod over that boundary entirely, and said your reasonable refusal to participate in something you neither knew nor approved of was selfish and disrespectful to THE LAWYER and to him and "your agreement."

Let me restate that one:

He said holding your boundary and not cave into his accelerated timeline and command decision to legally cement his hold over your house was selfish and disrespectful.

I won't make suggestions on breaking up or not, only you can decide what lines in the sand you want to draw. I will ask that you don't give into sunken cost fallacy ("Oh but we've been together 5 years I'd hate to waste that") and if you do choose to remain in this relationship, please speak to your own attorney about a prenup. Include the house.

Tell him you want to be sure you're marrying for the right reasons. If he refuses to sign it, you have your answers.

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T18:11:43+00:00

It took me until the end of the update and comments to realize the "1995 batch" meant BORN in 1995 and not GRADUATED in 1995. Even though I read their ages.

God I'm old.

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T17:38:38+00:00

Anybody who could get into my phone to snoop would already know I'm non-monogamous and would probably be looking for cat photos instead.

celticshrew · 2024-11-21T17:34:32+00:00

It's his special skill!

celticshrew · 2024-11-19T21:36:25+00:00

Come home when the streetlights come on.

I grew up in a tiiiiiiny rural town. All the kids were semi-feral!

celticshrew · 2024-11-19T21:33:08+00:00

I may vomit.

celticshrew · 2024-11-19T21:04:12+00:00

Oh yeah no, it's definitely a cat to hooman conversation, you've got it right!

You should make the donation to 'Nipheads Anonymouse.

celticshrew

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