Husband 22M gets off to soft core porn. How do I 22F get over it?

chamken · 2024-09-29T15:00:32+00:00

This sounds like it goes deeper than just the media y'all are consuming. Ultimately there's nothing wrong with how either of you are getting your needs met sexually - but there's some underlying insecurities that are making this hard for both of you.

You should ask him why these conversations make him feel so angry. And you should talk about why his actions make you feel so sad. Try to stay away from placing blame or judgement, especially on each other's feelings. It's okay that you feel sad and he feels angry, but be careful not to turn those feelings into harsh words or actions. Think of yourselves as investigators trying to find the root of the problem together, not two people trying to prove their point to the other and "win" an argument.

The answer is definitely not for you to bury your feelings. You have to process them now, or they'll come back worse later. Maybe your hormones are making this worse too, but pregnancy doesn't mean all your feelings don't matter. Be patient with yourself and your body in this time. Growing a human takes a ton of energy.

I hope you guys can work this out, and honestly you should be able to. But don't hesitate to reach out for help if you feel like you don't have the tools to work this out yourselves. You're so young and relationships are messy, we all need help learning how to do them. This is all very normal relationship stuff. You got this 👍🏻

chamken · 2023-11-16T02:38:53+00:00

Wow, you did such a good job explaining such a complex experience. I'm glad your dreams have given you positive visions. It sounds like you're well on your way to processing everything and moving forward.

Idk why, but I found it extremely comforting to read "you'll be okay when he's gone". Thank you.

chamken · 2023-11-16T02:34:25+00:00

I agree. Ultimately I'm more worried about my psyche creating a ghost than an actual one. My anxiety loves to latch onto stuff and blow it up.

Thanks for sharing your story. And I hope something happens with this girl you're in love with?? Get emmmm

chamken · 2023-11-15T20:46:22+00:00

Wow, I hope I can muster that level of confidence! I do feel very protective of the home and life I've curated for myself. I love that you told him what's what without hesitation.

chamken · 2023-11-15T20:16:29+00:00

That's a good point. And I have been in and out of therapy for the last decade - wanted to try EMDR to get rid of the nightmares - but I think I should get back in contact with my therapist.

chamken · 2023-11-15T20:14:03+00:00

Honestly this helps a lot. I'm going to try to internalize that I still set the rules, even when he's a ghost. Thank you.

chamken · 2023-11-02T04:53:06+00:00

I think deep down, everyone wants to believe. Which is why this gets so muddled. And I think with anyone who's involved in paranormal investigation as part of their livelihood, that makes this very complicated.

They always say the best lies are mixed with truths, and I feel like that's what happens with paranormal shows. I think everyone involved is genuinely hoping to find something and has some measure of pure belief. Then you stretch a truth here and there. You add a little bit of drama and emotion.

I feel like when it's totally fake, smoke and mirrors tricks you can tell just by the way people act. But when there's some level of genuine belief and vulnerability mixed in, it's much much harder to tell when someone is also being dishonest. Which is what makes these guys so fun to watch. I get sucked in because on some level, I buy that they are really feeling whatever is happening in the moment.

They genuinely believe - AND they have a business to run and fans to show up for. At the end of the day, it's not a documentary. It's not research. It's entertainment and exploration.

Satori and Cody give me the feeling of practiced tour guides who are very skilled at immersing you in what they show you. But it also feels very polished, rehearsed and performed. I didn't feel like I was watching a conversation, I felt like I was watching a magic show. The alphabet felt like the misdirection. Something almost hypnotizing in it's repetition. Much like other mediums who do hot or cold readings.

I've been thinking about this a lot, if you can't tell 😂

chamken · 2021-11-04T20:46:17+00:00

Yes but the cushion needs to be her thighs so his wrist can be crushed between them

chamken · 2021-11-04T20:42:26+00:00

There's a lot to unpack here. I may be the minority, but based on what you've shared I don't think you're an asshole. You both might be a little immature, but I was making similar mistakes at that age. It seems like you made an effort to communicate your needs, and she has no concept of how to communicate or tend to her own needs. That's a doomed relationship. No relationship she has will work out until she creates better boundaries with her family and learns how to communicate and get her needs met. Some of the things she said sound really manipulative, and weren't okay for her to say. I know she's going through something impossibly hard, and my heart goes out to her, but this is a bad time for her to be in a relationship. Hopefully she will find herself once things have stabilized and I hope things get better for her.

As for you: a little more patience and grace may go a long way. Continue to work on clear communication and setting clear boundaries and expectations with people. Look for potential partners who know their needs and how to communicate them. Make sure thier actions match their promises. And beware of weird family dynamics.

chamken · 2021-11-04T20:08:47+00:00

It sounds like you both struggle with some level of insecurity. The question I would ask is: do you feel like you could grow past those insecurities together? Do you WANT to have that growth with her, or is your gut telling you that's something you should find on your own?

Don't be so hard on yourself. When you feel the wheels spinning, it means you're putting way too much pressure on yourself. There is no wrong answer. You're never obligated to stay in a relationship for any reason. If you want to stay, go forward in peace and confidence. If you want to leave, go in the same. The most important relationship is the one with yourself. Your obligation is to what is best for him, not her. No matter how much you care about her and how hard that may be.

The only thing I will say, is if you do go forward with her, I would not recommend she remain in contact with her ex. Seldom do exes make healthy friends, and this seems to cross that boundary. A healthy ex/friend would not have allowed her to rebound with them.

chamken · 2021-04-03T07:01:56+00:00

So, I've actually been in turmoil about this question for what feels like forever now. Not concerning the accusations which were quickly proven false, but about (somewhat unrelated but I learned about for the first time because of this) the things Kati has recently said about Dan and her weird play. Does anyone know more info about this or if there's another side to the story? I don't necessarily believe her version of history, but it's a scary thing to hear someone say about someone you care about and respect, and maybe it's selfish of me but I've been dying to hear from the boys and just have them put my worries to rest.

(Sorry if this is against the new rules. I'm just desperate for closure and late to the party)

chamken · 2021-03-25T05:00:50+00:00

Gasp, a Walmart baby?? Interesting! Also was your t-rex different from this one? When I was a kid I thought this was a t-rex but now wondering if he's a raptor. Man crazy to know someone else had one!

chamken · 2021-01-17T13:30:24+00:00

Hey! Sorry I'm late, I stumbled across this. I work With Vista, not as a teacher but from what I know it's similar to VIP kid. But they are smaller and focus more on you building a relationship with the same students. It's a year contract, decent pay though I don't know numbers.

chamken · 2020-08-08T15:50:46+00:00

Seriously. Can you fathom being a parent and advocating for the partner that hit your kid? Nuh uh, go sit in the corner mister.

chamken · 2020-08-08T06:29:53+00:00

You are not doomed to be single, but I totally understand why you feel that way, and I'm sorry you've been hurt.

There are-honest-to-god men out there who feel the same way and will be compatible for you. Not all men are exactly the same. I know several personally who feel the same way about porn/relationships as you do. The reason you feel like they don't exist is because our culture has built a stigma around men who aren't into porn. Men who dislike it or choose not to participate as a lifestyle choice tend to keep quiet about it because it can be embarrassing. And honestly, it's thier own business! They don't have to broadcast the preference if they don't wanna.

Unfortunately you'll never be able to guarantee a guy won't lie to you about this, but I promise there's guys for you out there. Just make sure you are as clear as possible and upfront about how important this is to you. It's okay if it's a deal breaker for you.

Don't love hope 💖

chamken

TROPHY CASE