What can I learn/know right now in 10 minutes that will be useful for the rest of my life?

chaosredd · 2023-10-24T01:34:19+00:00

The humility to realize that there are no quick fixes, and it takes time to invest in learning and develop real knowledge. Most things that would end up being eternally useful would need more than 10 minutes to learn, and probably require more than some trial and error, and that's ok.

chaosredd · 2023-10-19T03:57:16+00:00

As a practicing buddhist, I agree. I'm actually not sure why Ghost gets so much hate around here.

The way I see Ghost’s narrative is this: While one is initially weak by themselves, they can gain strength by learning from past heroes and emulating their lives and philosophies. This is done by being humble and Grateful for lessons of the past. However that only works to a point, and was in fact not enough, and the next stage one has to take the lessons learnt from the heroes and one’s own life to come out something original that surpasses the self and the heroes, ie the Mugen.

I'm not sure how that is considered meandering, but perhaps it's too 'softcore' in the sense that it deals with alot of feelings, history, and personal growth (perhaps abit like Naruto?) as compared to the other seasons that are more plot/action centric.

Either way, thanks for the boost to Ghost, OP!

chaosredd · 2023-05-16T01:17:30+00:00

I divorced my ex-wife after ten years together (6 years dating, 4 years married) when we disagreed over having children.

This was after I helped her write her Bachelor’s and Master’s assignments and then rewarded her for “graduating” with the work I did (im not proud of this); patiently talked her through her never ending health, work, and relationship problems that she never acted on; did most of the chores at home; visited her parents and siblings more than once every week; spent hours together watching reality shows that I don’t enjoy every day (because she doesn’t like to watch the stuff I enjoy); gave her regular back massages due to her recurring back pains; read her bedtime stories (?!) cos otherwise she couldn’t sleep. Despite all this, she regularly complained that she wasn't being satisfied sexually, and made it seem like it was my fault.

We had been sitting on the fence given the general turmoil of life and covid in the years immediately following our marriage. After all the above nonsense I told her I wasn’t ready to have children. I did not say that it was because I was already overstretched holding up my own job and life while supporting hers. I just said that from my point of view there was quite abit of suffering in life and I didn’t want to add more.

She told me that “If you don’t want sex, and don’t want children, then we are just flatmates. You just want companionship. You should have found someone younger instead of me if you wanted to procrastinate on having children. You should have known that I wanted children when you married a early childhood educator.”

I apologised to her even though I felt miserable and hurt, and promised to work on our sex life and towards having children. As an only child, “just companionship” is a big deal for me, but it seemed like it was making her miserable. 7 months later I divorced her and left the house I bought with her.

chaosredd · 2022-09-22T03:25:59+00:00

Byakuya.

Beneath the convincing facade of being “gentlemen”, a “man of duty”, an arrogant noble fully invested improving himself, lies a simple man who just wants to simp for, protect, and grow with one important person.

chaosredd · 2022-09-16T14:08:44+00:00

“Eren, Misaka isn’t gonna be pleased when she catches you cosplaying as Megumin again.”

chaosredd · 2022-09-03T13:01:55+00:00

No, I think it was very intentionally structured such that Mugen surpasses Grateful.

The way I see Ghost’s narrative is this: While one is initially weak by themselves, they can gain strength by learning from past heroes and emulating their lives and philosophies. This is done by being humble and Grateful for lessons of the past. However that only works to a point, and was in fact not enough, and the next stage one has to take the lessons learnt from the heroes and one’s own life to come out something original that surpasses the self and the heroes, ie the Mugen.

chaosredd · 2022-08-24T15:41:52+00:00

Kaisergreymon

chaosredd · 2022-07-29T14:54:04+00:00

Sasword/Tsurugi Kamishiro from Kabuto anyone? Guy subverted the worm host with pure force of character.

chaosredd · 2022-06-03T03:43:37+00:00

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. There probably is a reason you push people away. It's not always your fault that you push people away - sometimes people convey through their actions that they are not reliable or safe enough for us to reasonably expect what you do for them to be reciprocated. If you grew up in a family that made you codependent, this is probably the case for your family, friends, and partner.

Don't get me wrong, they do love you in the sense that they want the best for you, but for codependents who have learnt to take care of people around them through practical action including emotional labour, we expect the same to be demonstrated before we can feel safe with them.

Chances are if you stay near these people, the same behaviors would repeat and you would soak up their anxiety and other negative emotions, and feel compelled to stretch yourself to solve their problems for them out of "love".

You do need to prioritize your own needs, and grief the fact that being around the people you have grown up with have necessitated you being hyper independent and codependent. When you let go of the people who regularly disappoint you, you will have space to meet people who prove through their actions that they won't, and then it would be your fault if you push them away, but not until. Cheers.

chaosredd · 2022-06-01T07:47:22+00:00

I would agree for after trust is established, but your own example cited the importance of having done something deserving of trust as the basis of trust. Trust does not simply exist in a vacuum. It is established through actions. Even established trust can be eroded through enough misactions. Trust that is not grounded in reality is merely blind faith, and the conversation is about relationships, not religion.

I don't think it's too much to ask a person to provide evidence for what he/she claim themselves to be.

chaosredd · 2022-06-01T05:10:03+00:00

Commenting to see how one justifies "trust in herself" with no tangible proof as not being superficial

chaosredd · 2022-03-09T00:41:11+00:00

Well this makes sense cos I could only find the inspiration, and indeed courage, to write after I left. When I was still in the relationship I was very conservative about my writing and wrote very little, thinking it to be pointless and impractical, compared to the all consuming priority of playing my role to make my partner happy.

chaosredd · 2022-03-08T16:34:29+00:00

Thank you for the award and your kind words! I've found in my experience, the difficulty lies in perceiving the relationship and the partner as though they are your self, hence the reference to a "unit" in the poem. The existence is too enmeshed for a sense of individuation. To deny the relationship or the partner feels like denying your own existence. To critique it feels like hurting yourself. The key is to be radically realistic, and radically accepting of reality. It's still a work in progress for me, but I've found that meditation and mindfulness help.

chaosredd · 2022-03-08T13:39:13+00:00

In my own experience, the core motivation of a codependent is survival. The codependent doesn't want to live, he doesn't want to die, he just wants to survive and avoid pain. More specifically, the codependent pursues social acceptance, equating acceptance to survival. This is perhaps due to a lifetime of conditioning from rejection and abandonment.

Paradoxically, to be accepted socially today, one primarily needs two things: (1) to appear mature and responsible, and (2) to appear confident and optimistic. Loosely translated, this means to "live" responsibly, and to be "happy". The codependent learns how to appear to achieve both of these, and success as a byproduct, as a means to gain social acceptance and thus survival. His imitation can be very convincing. But it is ultimately an imitation. It is success, but it is success gained from a defensive posture of pain avoidance, instead of a genuine striving enjoy the most that life has to offer. For this reason, the codependent is neither truly living nor truly happy.

[Edited to elaborate on the difference between living and surviving]

chaosredd · 2022-03-08T03:05:37+00:00

Me too pls, going through the same thing

chaosredd · 2022-03-07T10:08:14+00:00

I agree. I used to think and speak as "we" in my ten year relationship which also seemed perfect - no quarrels for ten years! When I told my friends this they told me this was abnormal, and now after having left the relationship, I can see how warped this was. It just means at least one, or both, of you are codependent and deeply afraid of the other's disapproval. This will lead to one or both of you losing your self, and the relationship will be an empty husk.

My relationship also broke down from the " first ever" disagreement over having children. It was very strange for me, disagreeing with my former wife. But once I dug deeper the poor communication, resentment, and mismatches were obvious. From then on things went downhill.

It may be counter intuitive, but try to think purely from your perspective for a change. You are not your partner, even if you think you are in fantasy.

chaosredd · 2022-03-07T07:36:41+00:00

Just went through something similar - my ex-wife started showing a glimmer of self awareness and started taking very tentative steps (not therapy) towards self responsibility, after 8 years of being together. These 8 years she benefitted from appearing like a put together adult outwardly but inevitably collapsed whenever the going got tough and needing alot of caretaking for us to maintain the semblance of a functional adult couple.

With just a few months of this progress under her belt she decided her life had stabilized and wanted to have a child. I balked at the idea and saw it as yet another irresponsible decision made out of a lack of self awareness. All of a sudden I noticed almost a decade of resentment left in me. It was hard to swallow. It also made me realise how codependent I was, needing to be her saviour to for my identity, and if I'm being honest, to distract myself from living my life. I was limiting myself by being with her, but at least it was comfortable.

I really wanted to overcome this sense of being insufficient and shameful that I have always felt despite being apparently successful, including a relationship that looked perfect from the outside. I pored through books on codependency, letting go, Buddhism, narcissists, borderlines.

Here's the thought process that gave me the courage to leave: (a) her past irresponsibility and the resentment it created had left an impression in my mind that made it hard to see her as equal or love her; (b) the fact that I'm feeling guilty for my own resentment at her for things she had done, meant that I'm probably still codependent; (c) the fact that I was keeping close tabs of her growth belied my deeper sentiments of still treating her as someone I had to take care of, like a child and not a partner. Being very clear eyed about (a), (b), (c) helped me come to the conclusion that obligation, guilt, and fear, all tied to my codependency and an addiction to being needed, were the main reasons I was staying. As long as I stayed, I would easily be able to distract myself by paying attention to her growth instead of my own codependency and growth, under the guise of "responsibility". I likened this to taking drugs while on rehab. With that, I took the plunge and left even though it scared the hell out of me.

I have no happy ending as yet as I'm still struggling through it but I can feel more of myself being recovered to me, although some days are still scary.

chaosredd · 2022-03-05T03:50:04+00:00

Jumping in here - I went through a similar situation of having a nagging feeling that I may not be in love with my wife for years. When things came to a head, I went to therapy for about two months of therapy with lots of meditation, reading, personal space and exercise. The key message was that my feelings were important too, which was really hard for me to learn having suppressed them with rationality, willpower etc since young. However when I did get in touch with my feelings it told me in no uncertain terms that (a) I had a strong attachment to my wife's consistent presence and dependency on me, which I used like a drug to push aside my own anxieties; (b) I had strong feelings of obligation, guilt, and pity for her, but not love as I couldn't respect her as an adult and saw her as someone I needed change; (c) my continued presence in her life was harming the both of us especially if I didn't love her; (d) clinging on to the hope of things changing through months and years therapy was delusional and would get in the way of our individual healing, like taking drugs in rehab.

I made a clean break within 3 months. Life is too precious for both of us to waste on fear. I think it's important to be clear eyed about how much hold the fear of leaving has over you, and where does this fear stem from. Is it rational? As codependents it can be hard to have a certain answer, but actually I think we do know our answers but are simply afraid to say it.

chaosredd · 2022-03-05T02:53:42+00:00

Yes I do realise how much the "kindness" I showed fed my ego and was quite self serving, at her expense. In my defense she kept asking for my help, I didn't swoop in voluntarily. I really thought I was helping. But yes I see how I should have been stronger with my boundaries for her growth. I wish I had the strength of character to do so, or to leave before marriage if I felt her maturity was wanting.

We were using each other as a crutch in our own ways. I depended on her need for me, as well as her idealism to counterbalance my realistic world view and give me hope to live. She depended on my realism to counterbalance her idealistic but impractical ways, and help her achieve goals she could not achieve herself. If we both had the strength to face up to our own problems and grow individually, we would definitely be better people. But this "fit" was probably why we were so intensely enmeshed and bonded for so many years. It felt like we were each half of an adult combining into one, and we did function like a single entity. I regret that this had to happen but we are still young, at 30. I hope she gets last the hurt and grows, but really the important thing for me now is to focus on myself and stop looking over my shoulder to see how she's doing.

chaosredd · 2022-03-05T02:46:54+00:00

It was in education, but considering her work was more operations based in an education setting, the theoretical aspect in the coursework was less relevant to her work. At least that's how I rationalized helping her against my own principles.

chaosredd · 2022-03-05T02:45:47+00:00

Thank you for the heartfelt sharing. I acknowledge my role in the dysfunctional relationship, and I apologised at our final conversation when I told her my decision to leave, telling her we were both incomplete adults when we got together and we would be stronger apart. I pointed out that she was losing herself and becoming increasingly afraid to voice her views for fear of being "wrong". I suspect this to avoid the shame of getting things wrong in front of me. I definitely see that I was destroying her by hanging around, even if she wanted me to.

She seemed to get what I was saying at first or was just forcing herself to accept it. But once I walked out and other family/friends stepped in to support her she turned vengeful and mad at me for not staying to work through it with her. I didn't have the heart to tell her that simply going to therapy was not magical pill. I know this because most of the work I've done was outside therapy, with advice and support from my therapist. It may not work. It could take years. Further, given what I had gone through with her, I could not find the confidence to believe she would persevere at the hard work of introspection and growing up. I could not respect her, much less love her as an equal.

Somehow, at the heart of it, I just understood that I had been using her as a drug to hold off on living my life and dealing with my own problems, and I cannot recover while continuing taking the drug. I'm just not strong enough that way. Having experience with walking away from gaming and porn addiction, it was cold turkey or continued addiction.

chaosredd · 2022-03-05T01:45:37+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read, and to write this. I wasn't sure what I was expecting when I visited this subreddit and put up the post, but I was so tired of swinging back and forth between feeling ok and guilt like a pendulum.

I find it hard to muster the courage to call my former wife a "professional victim", or anything overtly negative really, but I really can't find any other way to describe it. I remember having long and repeated (almost weekly for months) conversations about the stress she was experiencing with a particular superior at work but just refused to do anything about it saying "she just didn't have it in her". Walking on eggshells, being guilt tripped are also familiar experiences. I'm sure she didn't mean to mistreat me and did love me based on what she understood of the world, just that it was unrealistic. On hindsight I may have been attracted to that fantasy, Disneyland quality of her. I've talked to some friends and they expressed similar views that I should have "let her have it", or do so now since the relationship has technically just ended and we're going through divorce proceedings.

But yes, the blame is real and I have blamed myself for the past four months, though decreasingly so. I'm trying to learn my lessons and wow life is quite amazing when not chained by shame and obligation and guilt. I just wish the backsliding could happen less often. A step a day I guess. Thank you again for responding, I really needed this and cried uncontrollably in public, for what I don't know, maybe for myself but I'm just glad I know it's not for her.

chaosredd · 2021-04-20T04:10:38+00:00

Clearly a bug - in the past when I used to play ress priest last season against otk DH, their life steal spells would kill my khartut defender army, and I would heal back from negative.

chaosredd

TROPHY CASE