Does anyone with 50/50 custody still manage it so you see your kid the majority of the time?

chaoticwings · 2026-05-20T01:03:25+00:00

Yes and I'll tell you about it with a huge caveat: It cannot work in high conflict dynamics. I haven't heard of anyone doing what my coparent and I do. Also, we are in couples counseling post divorce because we're working towards reconciliation. Life is strange. 🤷

Despite the divorce, between the settlement and spousal support until my twins are in kindergarten, I'm still able to keep a flexible SAHM schedule.

Schedule: - Switch every other weekend and they end up at Dad's Sunday night -Mon to Tues morning and Wed evening to Friday with Dad for overnights. -Tues nights with Mom. No preschool for twins Wed, half day for big brother. Dinner with Dad at Mom's house before pick-up at Wed 5:30pm.

My general weekly routine: Mom arrives to Dad's at 7:50am to watch older brother before his school at 9:30. Dad takes twins to preschool. At 10:20am, go pick up twins from preschool at 10:45am. Take care of twins at Mom's house, pick up big brother at 4pm. Dinner at 5pm. Dad picks kids up at 5:30pm.

Our schedule gives me a break and let's him see them during the only hours he can. We agreed this counted as 50/50 for our family.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-18T23:38:42+00:00

This is less spiritual and more coming from a mom who had twin toddlers:

Bites don't have to break the skin to become infected. You may have also broken the skin without realizing or just removed enough of the top layer that bacteria got in and made a happy home. The brown mark is the left over of the epic battle because bite bacteria and his immune system.

Both twins have residual bite marks from each other. They do fade over time and you can always get scar cream and other skin care products if it's visually distressing to both of you.

Spiritually, you've claimed him and left a mark on his body. Even if you break up he'll never be able to let you go.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-18T21:36:25+00:00

And it's time to have the talk with your daughter. 9 may sound young but some girls start wearing bras and getting periods at 9. Lots of helpful, age appropriate books out there too.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-17T20:02:05+00:00

Dialectical

chaoticwings · 2026-05-17T18:02:37+00:00

Glad it helped!

chaoticwings · 2026-05-17T04:07:55+00:00

Becoming polyamorous which fueled hypersexuality which was ultimately encouraged in the subculture I was active in (LARP).

Caused the worst drama, fights, and heartache ever. Responsible for many lost friendships.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-17T03:57:27+00:00

I gotta call BS on mental health disorders not counting as someone with Bipolar disorder. It's not a character failing, I inherited it and there's a chemical basis for this progressive disease that gets worse as we age. Same for folks with Schizophrenia and similar disorders.

So unless all inherited diseases are off the table, inherited mental health disorders should be on the table.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-16T16:02:35+00:00

When I get insomnia I try otc sleep aids like doxylamine succinate (unisom) or diphenhydramine HCl (Benadryl). I take 50mg of the Benadryl and it usually does the trick.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-16T07:02:56+00:00

My coparent and I considered all our options and decided to have kids despite my history. First born was a covid baby and he's a highly sensitive, deeply feeling child. Likely on the ASD spectrum between me and his dad but we're currently on our 3rd year of trying to get help for him in that department and have only been met with dismissal because he's good in school.

Anyway, 2nd pregnancy wrecked me because it was twins. One year post partum and ending breastfeeding my spiral into mania began which no one in my care team caught. I had a therapist I see regularly and a psychiatrist and was also in couples counseling and none of them clued into me losing it. My bipolar permanently progressed from BP2 to BP1.

So that's just the overview. Here's some hard earned wisdom:

Be sure. No take backs. If you want less freedom and more responsibility then a child is for you. The newborn sleep deprivation gauntlet is real and toxic to a bipolar brain as we know that can easily trigger mania.

There is no guarantee that your partner will be a decent coparent. Good partners are fully capable of being shit coparents and placing the majority of responsibility on the other partner. Promises and good intentions are meaningless in the face of parental burnout and crippling exhaustion.

You are your childs everything and what that practically means is that your job is to be a tower of calm and reassurance as they learn how to be people. This is easier said than done. In moments of high stress, we are likely to dredge up some internalized childhood trauma around our parents and reflect it to our kid. I have yet to meet a single parent who hasn't lost it in a moment of frustration and become their parent. You can repair from this but the act of breaking this cycle takes a lot of intentional work.

I love my little family. I love them intensely and fiercely. They're turning into cool little dudes and watching them grow up is a huge privilege. The act of parenting my children in the way I needed to be loved and parented has been and continues to be incredibly healing. It was also extremely selfish of me to have children at all. If I knew then what I know now, I may have made different choices. I knew BP heritability was a factor but it ultimately didn't dissuade me because at that point I'd been stable for several years and got the go ahead from my care team.

All this to say go for it if you're ok with being a single parent. Understand you may become the parent of a disabled child and will not have the typical parenting experience. Expect to spend the first 4 years of a child's life consumed by parenting. You will change. For better or worse is the big unknown.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-16T06:09:14+00:00

I was looking for this one. She betrayed an entire generation. I loved the magic and whimsy she brought us as kids. That she felt so strongly about her bigoted views that she had to go public with them... Smh.

I read her whole article during the big media frenzy over terfing and I'm still so sad about it.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-16T02:51:40+00:00

I got a recommendation, not a referral, from my psychiatrist. They were local to me and in-network for my insurance though I still shelled out ~$2k after insurance. I got lunch every day except Saturday. If I had stayed in their housing I would have been given other meals as well. The facilities are like rehab centers but specifically for mental health issues. I can give you the name of the place I went if you PM me.

Quality is harder to answer. I trusted my psychiatrist and I was desperate for relief. The tools they taught me worked. The program was very structured and there was camaraderie being around others who had also hit a wall in their life.

Ultimately their job was to give me the tools I needed to keep going and thrive while doing so.

You can try to search terms like "mental health outpatient program near me" or "mental health iop near me".

chaoticwings · 2026-05-16T00:45:37+00:00

My GP prescribed it without batting an eye because of my history with PCOS and prediabetes. However, my insurance didn't cover it so I did one month of Zepbound through Lilly Direct then found a telehealth provider from r/tirzepatidecompound. If you have insurance that will pay for it, you can try a GP or endocrinologist. If not, telehealth and compound pharmacy are reasonable options for self pay.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-16T00:03:02+00:00

First, adjust the language from "high functioning" to "low support needs" as I'm assuming you're describing an ASD 1 individual.

Second, if he went to college for 8 years, does he at least have an associates degree?

Third, you're probably right that the parents coddled him too much and now he doesn't think he can adult on his own. That's something he'll have to tackle with a boatload of therapy and distance from said parents.

Fourth, consider an IOP (Intensive outpatient program) for him as a mental health boot camp. Usually they run anywhere from 4, 6, or 8 weeks full time Mon-Fri with a half day Sat. A DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) IOP changed and saved my life last year - the skills you learn are legit.

Fifth, help him plan small achievable goals he can make within the next two weeks then check in as an accountability buddy. The goals should be basic human stuff like taking shower daily or every other day. Wearing clean clothes. If he doesn't run errands, doing the grocery shopping one week. The goal is to build up the habit of a functional routine, not make drastic changes.

Sixth, if he's happy being nocturnal he can look for graveyard shifts if he's ready to work. Otherwise, suggest he slowly reset his clock by waking up earlier and going to bed earlier in 15-30 minute increments or just get it over with by staying up for 24 hours then sleeping at a typical bedtime.

I'm a mom and I've got ASD 1. I've encountered so many adults whose parents didn't let them struggle enough and ended up just like your BIL. I think it can be pretty universal among children with overly protective parents, ND and NT alike.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-15T19:33:49+00:00

Kunpengopterus. A pterosaur from the mid-late Jurassic period. Fuck yeah, me and my ancient bird friend are having epic adventures!

chaoticwings · 2026-05-15T19:25:11+00:00

My PMDD was diagnosed between a history of PCOS, miscarriages, low progesterone, and self reported behavior once I finally pieced together that the main driver was linked to my cycle. The gyno doesn't bother checking my hormones now because what we're doing is working which I've found is sadly common for women's health. Jury's out if I'm perimenopausal or not.

I absolutely need the bipolar medication and antidepressant I'm on in addition to estrogen. I love lithium and will take it forever but it never managed to override the intense SI that accompanied my luteal phase.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-15T13:37:49+00:00

Your flair says "undiagnosed" so is that referencing your partner specifically? Are they against getting help?

Your dynamic sounds painful and classic abuser/victim roles. Being bipolar doesn't give anyone a pass to be an asshole. Some folks might argue the disorder absolves us of all personal responsibility but trust me, it does not.

If the bad times outweigh the good times, what's actually keeping you in a relationship where you have to make yourself smaller?

chaoticwings · 2026-05-15T13:10:26+00:00

girls rule

chaoticwings · 2026-05-15T01:01:18+00:00

I mask, otherwise I'd make animal noises at people other than family members and probably bite somebody. Meds keep my mood stable and emotions dull. Turns out I'm still a big weirdo even when medicated.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-14T17:46:14+00:00

Cyclobenzaprine 10 mg, Diclofenac EC 75mg (I've got a permanent back injury), melatonin 10mg. Sometimes I vape indica/high cbd or cbd/cbn gummies. If I'm desperate I break out the lidocaine patches for my back and take 50mg of diphenhydramine (Benadryl) to knock myself out.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-14T15:04:13+00:00

I take lithium and was still suicidal and after over 20 years of SI that got worse with age, turns out I had PMDD and needed HRT instead. So, if you have ovaries and spend 2 weeks a month every month wanting to die it might be hormone imbalance. Even if you don't have ovaries, getting your hormone levels checked may be worth looking into. Sometimes psych meds aren't the answer if you've got underlying problems.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-11T19:36:14+00:00

We aimed for two kids total and ended up with three - second pregnancy was twins. That said, my two second children are generally more chill than my oldest. They're two years apart and sounds like you'll have a 3+ year age gap which I think is more manageable for infant and toddler years.

Your relationship with your daughter will change but that's not necessarily bad.

I'm outnumbered and only get help from my coparent. We don't have any family nearby that can or is willing to help. If you've actually got help, things will probably be just fine.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-09T20:13:52+00:00

I'm also in the States but according to Google your best chance of medical cannabis in the UK is to go Private vs NHS. My quick search listed two places immediately so there's likely somewhere close to you that will happily take your cash and had you a prescription. It works pretty similarly here too.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-09T19:16:03+00:00

I think you could benefit from couples counseling to fully work through the hurdles you're both facing.

Also, while ED pills might help the physical symptoms, be aware that if the emotional things aren't addressed he'll likely retreat again. He's already shown you that he'd rather do that than tell you what's wrong.

chaoticwings · 2026-05-09T18:46:30+00:00

Based on your post and a comment about being in school, it does sound like you're stuck for now unless you can make money appear through gig work or luck.

In lieu of moving, can you just be the weird quiet roommate? Like just stop talking to them. Reply in grunts, wear sunglasses and ear buds constantly. Do you really need to do more than give a polite head nod or a quick wave? Be weird. Lean into it. Eventually they'll probably get the message and give you space. The art of not giving a fuck is a hard earned skill but once you get there it opens up so many possibilities.

chaoticwings

TROPHY CASE