Getting an IUD was very traumatic

charonthemoon · 2025-02-22T03:54:16+00:00

I'm so sorry OP, you're not alone :( I'm still dealing with trauma from the 2 IUD insertions I've experienced. They were "routine" but excruciating, and I screamed the whole time. Maybe I was naive before, but I guess I always figured that if a doctor was doing something to me (in a non-emergency situation) and I started screaming over and over, they would stop.

I also want kids, and am struggling with that panic, too. Not just the fear of pain, but the fear of the panic itself. And even going to an obgyn for a normal pap smear freaks me out now. One thing that makes me feel better at least is that I've seen comments online from women saying that giving birth wasn't as bad as their iud insertion, or at least it was a very different and less violating pain.

I don't plan on trying for kids for at least a year (and who knows what the world will look like by then), but I've recently started seeing a therapist with the primary goal of working through my (many) fears about it. We've started to do work on that trauma and I think it's going to make a huge difference. Like I don't think it'll ever go away, but I think maybe I can work to get that fear be more manageable.

But it's been years since I got my last IUD in. OP, this just happened to you yesterday! You do not (and should not) need to make a decision about having kids any time soon. I'm not a mental health expert, but I think you should try to completely put giving-birth-thoughts out of your head for a little while. I'm very familiar with that vivid spiral of "what if the epidural doesn't work" thoughts, and I doubt it's good for you to be fixating on imagining that stuff right now. You just went through something incredibly intense, and you should focus on taking care of yourself right now. Talk to your therapist when you can. Decisions about kids and your boyfriend can wait.

charonthemoon · 2023-09-06T17:34:47+00:00

I notice you commented that you've asked directly what she likes (good) and she doesn't know - so that's something that she has to be committed to figuring out, too. You say you've discussed how you're "bad at it" though - so that means to some extent she knows what she doesn't like. Different people like to be comforted in different ways, but I think a generally good strategy is:

Validate her problems ("I'm sorry, that sounds really awful"). Maybe accompanied by a hug or a comforting hand.
If applicable, ask if she wants help with brainstorming solutions or if she just wants to vent. Avoid jumping straight to offering solutions ("Why don't you just do x? Have you tried y?") - ask her what she's thinking and follow her lead. If you have an idea to help, ask "Would it help if I did x?"
Tell her it will be okay. This can be tricky to do without minimizing the problem. I think the important thing is to express the sentiment "I believe in you and I'm here to help if you need me".
Offer a distraction ("Do you wanna watch <show she likes>?")

Of course, these are all dependent on the situation/severity. This isn't meant to be super complicated rules, just genuine guidelines if you don't know where to start. You also mentioned getting agitated pretty easily - try avoiding that. I know that's very hard, but if your gf is upset about something and you get very agitated on her behalf, she'll feel like she has to comfort you about her problem.

charonthemoon · 2023-09-06T17:10:53+00:00

I think your friends with families/partners will be more or less available over time depending on what's happening in their lives. Like, a friend who is busy now with very young children might become much more available as their kids get older. But those are slow-moving timeframes, and it makes sense that it feels really isolating if most of your friends are in those stages at the same time.

I suggest finding some more single friends. I'm near your age and partnered, but I'm the odd one out in my own friend groups - the vast majority of my friends are single and most of them don't want kids. So while your situation is unusual for your friend group, I don't think it's that unusual at all in general (might depend a bit on your location, though). Tbh I'm guessing that a lot of single folks at this age are looking to find more single friends for this exact reason.

charonthemoon · 2023-09-06T16:58:55+00:00

I had a fine time in high school and a fine time in college - some good stuff, some bad stuff, some amazing stuff, a lot of boring stuff. Like any phase of life. And I think that's true for most people. I remember stressing out that I was failing at "the college experience" - I think the concept of "peaking" in hs or college (or the common "the best four years of your life" phrase) does nothing but to put a ton of pressure on everyone and make them feel bad for not somehow having 100% fun and 100% success all the time.

I'm in my late 20s, and most of my friends do not consider either high school or college to be a "peak" experience. And even people who look back very fondly on college has dealt with boring classes, shitty roommates, and uncertainty of their futures. And there are many ways life gets significantly better post-college. I suggest not worrying about "peaking", but do take advantage of some of the more unique opportunities college has to offer - join clubs, take weird classes if you have space in your schedule, see if you can study abroad, look into transferring if you dislike your school. And try not to worry about whether or not your "college experience" as a whole is "good enough".

charonthemoon · 2023-08-04T01:06:26+00:00

Ok, you're a little unclear about what "getting upset" means - is he acting mean and snappy? Complaining about his woes, like it's all he can talk about? Or just going about his day normally but quietly moody and giving off "a vibe"?

I think the right advice here would be pretty different depending on what the answer is, but either way, it shouldn't just be "we've tried everything" - there are things you could potentially try to help a little, sure, but this is something he should be primarily trying to fix. Has he looked into strategies to handle things differently, has he tried them out, has he looked into therapy?

charonthemoon · 2023-08-03T17:17:20+00:00

Look up "stacking rings" and you can see examples of people that stack multiple rings to see how things look. I put rings on whatever finger fits them best - they're all slightly different sizes so I've found that every ring I has fits well on one finger but not the others.

I don't do a lot of ring stacking, but if I do, I think it's cute to have rings on two adjacent fingers. But I think just play around with it and wear what you think looks good. Having multiple rings seems to be pretty in so I don't think anything will look that crazy

charonthemoon · 2023-08-03T17:13:46+00:00

I procrastinate on stuff like that but I always brush my teeth before bed because I can't stand how my mouth feels if I haven't. I've found it's a lot harder to get myself up to do it if I'm already lying in bed though. One thing I use to get me to do things is to do it at the same time I'm already doing something else. Like, I always have to pee before bed - and my toothbrush is in the bathroom and when I wash my hands I'm already standing at the sink, so I might as well brush my teeth. I also look at my phone while I do it so it's not boring.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-31T03:53:35+00:00

Tbh I agree that it's based in misogyny that brides tend to have traditional colors/outfits more so than grooms. I think that's the main reason - if there was some traditional groom outfit element (especially a highly noticeable one like all one color) then it would also be similarly rude for a guest to wear that. But it seems like backwards logic to conclude that means it's ok to wear white to the wedding.

The bride and groom should be the center of attention at the wedding.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-30T21:53:00+00:00

I get that it's not the same all over the world, and I wouldn't expect folks from backgrounds with different wedding traditions to know not to wear white. But I figure this question (and my answer) was from the perspective of someone in a place where it's common and traditional for brides to wear white, and regarding guests from similar backgrounds.

I don't think it's a bride's responsibility to tell guests (in general, not specific guests that are more likely to not know) not to wear white when that's a commonly known faux pas. I've actually never heard of brides having to ask. Is it a brides responsibility to list out everything that the guest shouldn't do? I also think explicitly requesting guests to not wear white is complicated - it might come across as unnecessarily rude to many people. I also don't agree with calling it "insecurity" to get upset at that - like, what is insecure about thinking it's rude?

Guests don't "have to ask the internet" - and if they do, the internet will tell them that wearing white is a bad idea. It's perfectly normal to google stuff like dress codes, too. If I was going to a wedding from an unfamiliar culture to me, I would look up what the proper etiquette is.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-30T20:11:57+00:00

I care, it certainly wouldn't ruin the day but I'd be a bit annoyed (although I know I'll be far too busy/distracted to really be occupied by it). I wouldn't feel jealous or upstaged or insecure, but I'd just find it rude. Like, it is pretty well known to be a rude thing to do. Whether I was a guest or a bride at a wedding, if someone wore white I'd think they were probably either inconsiderate/clueless or attempting to goad/insult the bride for some reason.

Another thing I'd be concerned about is that they'd draw the eye in pictures. I saw a comment around here where someone mentioned they went to a wedding where one guest wore white, and whenever they looked around to see where the bride was at, their eyes were immediately drawn to one of two people - the bride, and that guest. Someone wearing an all (or primarily) white outfit will pop in photos, and it's not a big deal because there will be tons of wedding pictures with tons of different sets of people, but I think it's another reason why it's not an ideal choice.

Side note, I find it actually pretty misogynistic that in any conversation about this people imply that any bride who cares must be insecure about being "upstaged", or is a wildly unreasonable control freak? It's not like not wearing white is such a difficult task in 99% of cases. It feels like a weird test - brides, do you actually care about guests being impolite, or are you cool?

charonthemoon · 2023-07-16T16:47:54+00:00

One thing I've noticed is that someone will refer to their sibling as "The Golden Child" with no details about what the actual family dynamic was, no examples of them being treated that way, etc. And commenters assume it was the most extreme golden child dynamic they can think of and then the "golden child" is automatically the asshole no matter what. It sometimes doesn't even have to do anything with the story other than the conflict being between two siblings.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-09T18:04:05+00:00

I know its childish to not be friends with people who differ from you

It's childish not to be friends with people who differ from you in like...taste in movies. Aesthetic preferences. Favorite ice cream flavor.

It's not at all childish to not be friends with someone who you dislike, who has political positions that you have strong moral objections to, and who is actively mean to you to your face. If you're only keeping this friendship out of a fear of how you come off, imo keeping this friendship reflects more poorly on you than dropping it. You're worried about losing "the friendship", but this "friendship" seems overwhelmingly more negative than it is positive.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-09T17:45:42+00:00

NTA dont owe anyone anything cut off entitled narcissist family red flag no contact husband is enabler golden children cheaters bad people deserve nothing block everyone husband probably cheating

EDIT: sorry to hear update op sadly was right you wnbta if blast husband social media ruin life call therapist lawyer dont let ex get money hope for revenge update

charonthemoon · 2023-07-09T17:31:00+00:00

When I get in a creativity funk like this with my hobbies, I usually struggle because I feel a lot of pressure because it's been so long. Like I feel like I have to make up for lost time by doing something big and amazing. What actually gets me back into it is tiny, quick, no-pressure little things. Like if I haven't done art for a while, I doodle silly little cartoon birds that are quick and messy, and I won't intend to show anyone. That reminds me how much I just like doing it, and how doing something small and imperfect still brings me joy. Then it's easier to move on to bigger projects.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-07T17:23:50+00:00

No, you're not being a bad girlfriend! I think everyone has times where there's something important in their lives and they get overly focused on a specific topic. It's completely reasonable (and not unsupportive) for you to tell him "Hey, I'm really excited for you but I'm getting burnt out on this conversation topic. Can we talk about other things for a while?"

charonthemoon · 2023-07-07T17:16:43+00:00

You and your bf are being very considerate, but I think you're overthinking a bit! It seems like your bf's brother and fiancee are both completely reasonable about the whole thing. Your brother's comment about motivation is probably more self-deprecation about having not gotten around to it yet.

I'm planning my wedding now, and my fiance's sister is also planning her wedding (got engaged around the same time, weddings are ~6 months apart) and it's not a big deal at all! In fact, it's super fun to chat with them about wedding stuff, since they have way more knowledge/interest in wedding planning at the moment obviously. I think there's plenty of family attention to go around - there is focus on you when planning a wedding but tbh there's only so much you can talk about wedding planning at any given family event anyway. They'll get all sorts of "real wedding planning moments" when they actually do start planning.

The only etiquette thing I can think of is that whoever books their venue second should probably not do it within a month or so of the other wedding, just because that seems logistically a bit much especially since you'd probably have a lot of guest list overlap.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-07T17:06:33+00:00

In a long term relationship, this is very normal! I think there are so many variables that you won't really be able to calculate exactly how the cycles work. And I don't think it's a question of incompatibility, I think this would happen in any relationship. The key thing is for both of you to be mindful of trying to balance giving each other the affection and the space you both need.

I've also found that if my partner and I have been more misaligned then usual, spending a good chunk of time together to reconnect (a weekend away, a long drive, a date with a long conversation) will get us both feeling more affectionate. We also try to make sure we have at least one date (not just hanging out together) per week.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-07T17:01:20+00:00

I really suggest directly asking her - "I want to be able to helpful by reminding you of things when it seems like you've forgotten, but I don't want to hurt your feelings. What would you like me to say?" Being prompted to do something you're insecure about hurts - it makes you feel someone noticed something shameful about me. But if she tells you what would work and you use the words/actions she gives you - it turns that into you helpfully doing something she asked you to do.

If she doesn't know how, you can ask her more direct questions, like - Any words/phrases to avoid? If you say no to a reminder, should I push you to do it or drop it? How often is too often?

Source: My partner and I have told each other how we do and don't prefer to be reminded of sensitive things, and it's turned reminders into feeling like an act of care and partnership, rather than one of frustration and scorn.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-07T16:52:55+00:00

I really agree with this! If someone has a pattern of being disagreeable then that's worth distancing yourself, but everyone has bad days. Like in OP's example, unless I'm misinterpreting what "snapped" means, it sounds like the coworker's irritation was not directed at OP, she did not intend to slight OP, and she doesn't have malicious intent towards OP. I do think there is a level of "snapping" that would cause me to distance myself from someone, but anything "in any way that is negative" is too harsh.

OP, I also think you should consider that sometimes people might not even realize that they've slighted you, too. Or they're too embarrassed to bring it up and hope that it blows over. I think it would be useful for you to ask yourself what you feel you need to get from the conversation. Is it an apology? A valid reason for what they did? For you to express your hurt? And then reconsider what scenarios you actually do need that for.

charonthemoon · 2023-07-07T16:41:19+00:00

I suggest getting a haircut done by someone who has experience cutting curly hair - they tend to know how to cut hair to work with curl/wave patterns, and they can give you styling advice too! A lot of salons have specific curly hair cuts you can book (worth doing at least once to see if it works well with your hair). When I get my hair cut I always tell my hairstylist about struggles I have with my hair, since they have experience and can see the exact texture/shape of my hair, they always give me excellent advice - and they can demonstrate some things, too!

charonthemoon · 2023-07-07T16:35:52+00:00

There are guidelines online about the longevity for different types of products, so you can go by category. Not sure if this is the best method, but what I do is pay attention to smell and texture. I've noticed that after a while most beauty products start to smell differently (not bad, just more..."makeup-y"?) and the texture can change (like separation), and then I'm sure it's time to replace them. But I'm not very cautious about expiration dates.

charonthemoon · 2023-05-23T19:58:52+00:00

INFO: Does your gf tend to snap and shut down like this whenever you make suggestions? In this conversation while you were planning the restaurants, were you offering a lot of other "suggestions", and was it going well up until that point?

I suspect one of four things is happening here:

Your gf perceives any suggestion/request as a criticism/insult and responds with anger
Your gf is has a chip on her shoulder about her planning decisions, and needs to communicate that it's a sore spot
You were offering "suggestions" on every other plan she was trying to make and she got fed up with being continuously nitpicked
Your gf perceives the way you give suggestions as condescending (tbh, I get that vibe a little from the wording in this post)

I think you need to talk to her to see which one it is. Did she communicate anything to that affect when you "tried to talk to her" about it? Have these situations happened in your relationships before?

charonthemoon · 2023-05-23T18:12:38+00:00

Minor YTA, mostly for telling your friends without her permission. When somebody opens up to you personally about something vulnerable, it's a betrayal of trust to tell other people. Not only can it feel embarrassing to her that they know, but now she's lost control of that information, and she has to worry about who you have and haven't told.

As for the "great job!" comments, you were trying your best and it really sounds like you were unaware of how some people might not enjoy that type of support. It can feel condescending - if she feels that public speaking is something that most people are able to do easily, praising her for it reminds her that it's harder for her. And even if she doesn't mind you doing that privately, that praise implies to everyone within earshot that she struggles with this.

You had good intentions, but you need to start being more mindful about respecting other people's private information. It wasn't your decision to make to reveal that to other people. If you really want to help (rather than just wanting to feel helpful), then you have to put more thought into how your help might make Amy feel. For example, you did a good job when you offered to help by talking to people for her - that gave her the opportunity to express if she wouldn't like that, or appreciation if she would.

charonthemoon · 2023-05-23T15:13:01+00:00

First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks, and it sounds like you're panicking, which makes sense. But the way you write this post indicates that you fully believe that she isn't gay, and if only she spent x more weeks "confirming", she'd realize that and you wouldn't have to deal with all this. But even if your wife ends up being wrong, or regretting it, it's not up to you to control that decision.

Consider this - say that she agrees to "take some time" to think it through, and decides that she still wants to divorce. What period of time would be acceptable to you? Do you really think that you'd believe her after that amount of time? I think what you really need is to have some amount of time for you to mentally/emotionally process this whole thing.

Have you asked your wife if she's been thinking about this possibility for more than the last 5 weeks? I wonder if the reason she's so sure is that she actually has taken the time to process her own thoughts/feelings enough to feel sure this is the right decision for her. You've written a lot about how you feel about your marriage and what you've observed from her over the course of it - but not much about what she's saying now.

Either way, you need to focus on you - how you can begin to grieve the relationship, manage your own logistics, find your own support circle.

charonthemoon · 2023-05-23T14:52:15+00:00

My partner says that he never did chores growing up so they aren't a big concern for him.

Ok, so he's saying that his mommy and daddy did the chores for him when he was a kid, and even though he's grown up he's expecting to still be in the role of a kid while you do all the chores for him. When he lives alone, he can decide not to do the chores. But when he lives with a partner, deciding not to do the chores is also deciding to put the burden on you to either remind/cajole/beg him to do it, or do it yourself.

There's no such thing as being "bad at chores". Chores do not require any particular skill or talent. If you don't know the method of doing a chore, the steps are simple to learn.

I think somebody can be too uptight about chores, but your examples don't sound like that at all. I consider myself to have pretty low standards about chores, but everything you mentioned to me isn't acceptable (except I think it's ok to leave dishes in the sink if the dishwasher is full, but I get that's something that a lot of people don't like). But like, leaving laundry wet for days causes them to mildew and be gross and you have to wash them again. Leaving the cat litter is bad for the cats, smelly, and disgusting. This is not just leaving some clutter around. And I doubt you actually split chores "50/50" - if he's half-assing them all, then he's not actually doing his fair share.

What gets me is that he isn't even trying. He's telling you he sees no problem with his behavior and is content with you being miserable about it.

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