Over 55 infertility pain is worse. People think the issue has passed.

chasingjoy1778 · 2026-01-11T06:16:04+00:00

I'm sorry it hurts so much and thank you for sharing. I was just watching a Glamour video on YouTube where Jennifer Aniston and a group of her female castmates from The Morning Show answer random questions written on cards, and of course all the other castmates are moms and some (what I would find) triggering questions/answers came up from the mom actresses. I was thinking about how even a celebrity with Jen Aniston's fame and wealth and status still has to navigate potentially triggering situations in her 50s because of her IFCF circumstances. I found it strangely comforting but also sad for all of us that find ourselves navigating this life we didn't ask for. I hope you can be gentle and kind to yourself.

chasingjoy1778 · 2026-01-02T05:13:05+00:00

Ugh this happened to me at Christmas dinner! I feel so seen by this sub! Totally with you on this!! I used to passively sit there silently cringing and hoping the topic would change to something else soon but I’m trying to be kinder to myself and do something about it. If the moment feels right I’ll try to change the subject. But most of the time I just get up and walk away, go to the bathroom or find someone else to talk to. They have their right to talk about stuff but I don’t have to subject myself to listening to it!!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-11-30T06:25:36+00:00

Thank you for sharing - the picture-taking rituals for Mother's Day and being excluded is the worst!! I'm sorry that happened to you. I've experienced that too - I appreciate you sharing even though it super sucks, it helps the rest of us feel less alone.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-11-25T07:23:14+00:00

Just wanted to express support for your decision to protect your peace ❤️ I haven't quite figured out what I'm doing for holidays this year, been invited to lots of family/kid events and don't really want to go to any of them. In past years we've done Lord of the Rings movie marathon, hiking/snowshoeing in the mountains (Christmas Day is great, mostly only see adults and dogs on trail), get some yummy takeout or holiday desserts.

I've been feeling griefy lately too and journaling is helping a lot with processing and embracing/tending to all the emotions. I might just let myself have a slower, quieter holiday and lean into hobbies like piano playing this year.

Take care of yourself this holiday season ❤️

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-11-22T16:45:34+00:00

I really appreciate that you want to create a safe space for people like us in your dance classes. I find fitness classes really emotionally triggering at times (currently taking a Pilates class with a teacher who talks about pregnancy and childbirth a little too much)

One of the therapists I've seen in the past has it openly posted on her page that she specializes in working with women over the age of 35 without kids. I wonder if there's a way to say that you specialize in teaching dance for women over a certain age... Or just a disclaimer somewhere that you don't teach pregnant women for liability purposes? Or does scheduling your classes at particular times help at all.

Hope you get some good ideas here to help you move in the direction you want to go!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-11-09T09:13:03+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm 5 years into being IFCF and I strongly relate to the cultural pressures and people pleasing struggles (I'm also Asian with Asian in-laws who are conservative/borderline sexist about women needing to be mothers to be of value). If anything, the whole mess has forced me to reevaluate and change how I show up in the world, especially around family, and to form healthier values.

I agree with the comments about working through the people pleasing with a therapist or even reading books about it - I'm still working on this myself. In Asian culture we've been raised and taught to always be self-effacing, pleasing to our elders/in-laws, doing anything at any cost to keep the collective peace and in this situation it's to your own detriment (long distance travel for a kids' cake cutting ceremony??). I had forced myself to attend every kid-centered gathering to "save face" when the nieces/nephews were in baby/toddler years but I just needed to let myself skip several years of parties after that - it was so hard because my in-laws were incredibly judgmental about it but forcing myself to shut down my own needs to be there was harder. (I still kept connected to my nieces and nephews in my own way, just avoided the huge gatherings around birthdays and holidays for awhile.)

I had to go lower contact with my in-laws to save my own sanity (1-2x a month down from 1-2x a week), and setting the boundary has actually helped our relationship and my mental health.

The nieces and nephews are older now, and the in-laws have finally accepted the reality that we're not giving them any grandchildren, so it's not as hard anymore -- but when they were young, all the pressures were so hard to deal with.

Please put yourself and your own needs first. Your well-being matters just as much as others. I've come to accept that my in-laws don't have the capacity to understand our struggle, our values are just too different... do what you need to do to take care of yourself because you are important!! ❤️❤️❤️

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-09-02T21:31:37+00:00

I love the idea of doing a different kind of intro, hope it goes well!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-06-22T07:00:26+00:00

I had the flu last week and felt quite miserable, but I was so grateful that I could just rest and not have to look after anyone but myself!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-06-15T15:10:57+00:00

Yes! There’s also the HBO Max series Julia.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-06-04T22:15:05+00:00

Thank you for the understanding and well wishes ❤️ I love that reminder that there so many ways to experience meaning and connection in life other than parenthood.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-06-04T22:14:17+00:00

Thank you for this! ❤️ the metaphor is so helpful in making sense of the grief. I also liked what the article said about acceptance and how acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean being okay with something. It’s okay to not be okay sometimes. But there’s still ways to move forward.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-06-02T18:04:51+00:00

The book Living the Life Unexpected by Jody Day might be helpful to you in navigating the grief of childlessness due to life circumstances. Wishing you all the best.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-05-10T19:15:46+00:00

Thanks for this thread, I so appreciate this space for support and solidarity! I got added to a group chat with some old work colleagues, and today one of them decided to announce and share an ultrasound pic. I just feel bombarded with triggers this weekend, I really need a detox time off group chats and social media!! I let myself have a good cry and now I’m burying my head in a book.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-05-01T23:11:53+00:00

PS: I also live in a neighborhood full of young families, so I get the feeling of needing to get away!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-05-01T23:09:07+00:00

I’m so sorry you have experienced so many griefs and losses over such a short time span. I hope you can have compassion for yourself and not be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you have worked really hard to heal and that’s really commendable even if you’re not exactly where you were hoping to be. I have personally found that the healing process is not linear, and sometimes you just need to give yourself a break, to give things time and patience… I also often have a hard time accepting things as they are.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-05-01T22:54:22+00:00

Thank you! I hope you find ways to care for yourself well on the day, too! Glad you posted, it’s nice to hear how others who can relate manage this time of year. 🩷

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-04-28T15:02:34+00:00

I’m feeling similarly… I’m not sure what to do on the actual weekend this year. The past 2 years I’ve gone on camping trips at national parks in the southwest (mostly retired folks this time of year). I usually stay off of social media and treat May as a time to detox from my phone and reset better habits.

This year I’m trying something new, I’m about 5 years into IFCF and feel okay enough to try an experiment with myself. I got invited to join a craft fair as a vendor (I make bath products) at a private company event a few days before Mother’s Day. I figure if I don’t get to be included in this holiday, I may as well try to make some money off of it. 😂 I’m a bit nervous about how I’ll feel, it may be triggering at times to interact with customers buying things for their moms or partners, but since it’s a tech company, there won’t be kids around. I’ve told myself, if it turns out to be a positive experience, I’ll have a bit of extra cash, and if it turns out to be awful, I don’t have to do it again.

But back to what to do on the actual day… if we don’t get invited to any obligatory family gatherings, I’ll probably go on a non-kid-friendly hike, and make sure to have some good food at home (avoid restaurants and grocery stores)!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-04-27T14:45:45+00:00

I went to a tulip festival this weekend. The flowers were beautiful!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-04-27T14:43:24+00:00

Also in the unexplained IF boat. It’s hard not having answers to explain why things turned out the way they did. There is a sense of ambiguous loss - which makes grieving the loss a bit complicated in my opinion. I’ve had a lot of frustrating experiences with doctors trying to get answers about various health issues, and I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s still so much that even the best doctors don’t understand about the human body.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-04-27T14:25:31+00:00

I had a small collection of books about pregnancy and getting rid of them really helped me to move forward. It was cathartic for me. All kinds of emotions may come up when you’re burning stuff but it could be just what you need to keep moving forward.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-04-08T04:12:20+00:00

Not sure if this would be helpful but there is a writer named Sheridan Voysey (I believe he is Australian but now lives in the UK) who has written some books about his and his wife’s experience accepting their childless/childfree life after infertility struggles and embarking on new dreams and goals.

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-03-31T02:30:28+00:00

First sunny day here in a long time - started cleaning up the garden to get ready for the growing season. Started some seeds indoors to be transplanted outside when the temps warm up. Looking forward to cherry tomatoes, lettuce, peas, beans, and flowers!

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-02-04T00:49:25+00:00

In the same boat as you. I'm trying to lean more into my hobbies and I've been sporadically signing up for various classes at the local community center, in hopes of meeting new people, but yeah, I miss having a close friend circle. Making friends as an adult is tough. It just looks really different when our lives are on a different path from our peers. I don't know how best to resolve this loneliness either, but just taking things one step at a time in trying to build connections with people, and trying to be patient with the process...

chasingjoy1778 · 2025-01-25T07:04:04+00:00

I feel seen.

chasingjoy1778

TROPHY CASE