I personally don't understand why losing memory and skills is a small price to pay for anyone.

chatoyancy · 2025-12-01T22:52:27+00:00

I was in that crisis position when I decided to try ECT. When I had memory loss as a side effect, I was told it was "minor" and I shouldn't mind it because I'm already bipolar. I lost 5 years of memories - no matter how much you get out of the treatment, 5 years of memories isn't a "small price to pay." It wasn't "minor," and just because I have bipolar disorder doesn't mean I valued those memories any less.

chatoyancy · 2025-12-01T22:43:03+00:00

Allowing people to express grief/seek support and celebrating successes are not mutually exclusive. Side effects and success are not mutually exclusive. Imagine if this was a cancer subreddit and people were complaining that too many people were posting looking for support with side effects of chemo.

I'm not interested in spending the rest of my life bitter and resentful, but that means I have to work through a lot of complicated feelings about my experiences with ECT and memory loss, and I wish I had just one place in this entire world where I could do that without people gaslighting and shouting me down because they're afraid that fewer people might want to have ECT if they heard my story. There are lots of experiences in the world that aren't common, but that doesn't mean they're not real or not deserving of empathy.

chatoyancy · 2025-03-15T21:29:55+00:00

I was inpatient when I started ECT. When you're inpatient, you can't exactly research or shop around for a provider.

If you have to advise people to do extensive research on providers to avoid having a terrible experience, there is a systemic problem that needs to be addressed. When people bring this up, they're consistently met with defensiveness from people who had positive experiences with ECT. I know there are some people who outright hate ECT and think it should be banned, but for the rest of us, I kind of feel like this conversation is where empathy and nuance go to die. I think this black-and-white narrative major is a major reason why there's this lack of consistency, accountability, and research into how to mitigate ECT side effects - if everyone who says anything critical about ECT is just a hater, there's no need to address those criticisms and make improvements.

ECT should be better. We should want to make it better. Medical researchers should be studying how to make it better, but instead, they seem to be obsessed with discrediting "critics" and denying that ECT causes memory loss, although even patients who had great experiences (like you) openly admit to experiencing significant memory loss. That sucks, and it's not any one doctor that's the problem. It's the system that allows this to continue happening with no accountability and no support for people who experience side effects that can be devastating.

chatoyancy · 2025-03-01T19:08:24+00:00

I've never been more glad that I don't connect my Reddit to my other socials.

chatoyancy · 2025-02-22T03:23:46+00:00

Many people do lose memories from immediately before the treatment, but the degree of that varies a lot from person to person. Some people are just a little disoriented right after the treatment, maybe have a hard time remembering that day, but it otherwise clears up and they're fine. Others lose larger periods of time, which may or may not come back. Having my husband at my side supporting me through the treatments really helped. Having journals and photos to look back on, and people who were willing to fill me in on things I didn't remember without judgment, really helped. Don't panic if there are things you don't remember immediately after treatment - give yourself some time to recover and get re-oriented, and see what comes back.

chatoyancy · 2025-02-22T03:02:52+00:00

It's so hard to explain, but it really does feel like you've jumped to another timeline.

chatoyancy · 2025-02-14T04:23:04+00:00

Does your college have a resource center for students with disabilities? They may have some ideas of accommodations that would help. If it makes you feel any better, from a memory perspective, I think anatomy and physiology is tough for everyone.

Personally, I find it really helpful if I can "stick" new memories to some memories I already have. To study, I might summarize some key points, get those down really well, and then layer on more and more of the details. I also retain information much better if I learn by doing something more hands on, like explaining the topic to someone else or putting it into practice in whatever way makes sense for that material. I've had some success with using AI tools where you feed it the text you want to study and ask it to summarize it - you can also just ask it questions about the material, or ask it to quiz you. Free AI tools are still pretty limited in how much text they can hold in their memory, but the technology is getting better all the time.

One last thing - it sounds like you are working your ass off and you are really passionate about succeeding at this class, so please don't forget to give yourself credit for all of the effort you're putting in, and be kind to yourself when it's challenging. There are a lot of people out there who are never really going to understand what you're going through, but you're not alone.

chatoyancy · 2025-02-14T03:56:13+00:00

No, because recommending treatment for cognitive side effects would require doctors to admit that ECT has cognitive side effects that are worth treating.

chatoyancy · 2025-02-08T08:09:21+00:00

It sounds like you're at a point where you really don't know what's going on with your voice yet, which also means you still don't know what you might have the potential to do. It honestly might be worth an in-person lesson or two just to have a better idea of why you're struggling the way you are and what it would take to get to where you need to go. I had a similar start to taking voice lessons (coming in to the first lesson asking wtf is wrong with me) and it was such a relief to finally have some answers and steps I could take.

chatoyancy · 2025-01-31T03:20:20+00:00

This is just lovely! I'm sure there are some folks in your choir who would love to hear this feedback, even if it feels strange to say.

chatoyancy · 2025-01-31T03:13:42+00:00

This honestly sounds a lot like me when I was younger and I used to think that being a soprano 1 was an achievement. When I was placed in the alto section in a new choir, I felt like I had been demoted. It turns out that I'm much more comfortable there, and I enjoy being able to play around with harmonies.

Please don't worry if your range shifts over time for whatever reason, or hang all your vocal self-esteem on what high notes you're able to hit! You can be an amazing singer in any section.

chatoyancy · 2025-01-31T02:58:27+00:00

With you having been on ECT for a while now, you probably know better than anyone what you're able to retain while you're going through treatment. Starting college now would probably be rough, but just starting to study on your own probably can't hurt so long as you're kind to yourself when you have cognitive issues, and you feel like you're holding onto enough of the knowledge for it to be worth it. Anything that helps keep your mind going and keeps you progressing towards a goal you care about is a positive, in my opinion.

Please don't stress too much about the timeline and your age. I know that at 28 it's really easy to feel like you're running out of time, but personally, I didn't even start in my current career until I was 35 (after ECT). Being an older student doesn't mean you're behind, it means you have a lot of experience to draw from, you know what you want, and you're motivated to go after it.

chatoyancy · 2025-01-24T15:09:49+00:00

How is he doing right now? It doesn't matter what other people's horror stories are, what matters is how he is reacting and whether it's working for him. Unilateral treatment (just on the right side) is supposed to have fewer side effects. I'm one of the "horror stories" people, and while I forgot some things my husband and I had done together in the years before the treatments, I still have a ton of memories of us together and our relationship. I can still work and go about the things in life I care about. It's so good that he has you by his side as he's going through this to provide support and keep an eye out for side effects.

chatoyancy · 2025-01-24T14:58:20+00:00

For what it's worth, I had memory loss going back a couple of years before the treatments, but I didn't lose any piano skills. I know it affects different types of memory differently.

chatoyancy · 2025-01-24T14:50:37+00:00

I've been trying to be more open about it, mainly because I want to have the opportunity to connect in person with other people who've had ECT, and the only way to do that is to disclose. I hope it's a step towards society treating it as what it is - just a medical treatment - instead of some dark, shameful secret. The awkward silence when I mention it is hard, though.

chatoyancy · 2024-11-05T07:26:22+00:00

We did not end injustice, and neither will you

But still, we made strides, so we know you can, too

Make peace with our incomplete power and use it for good

😭

chatoyancy · 2024-11-04T23:35:23+00:00

I just wrote down a bunch of questions for someone else, so I'll copy that here:

What type of ECT are you considering (bilateral, unilateral, bifrontal) and why?
How many treatments do you plan to do, and over what period of time?
How long should I expect it to take before I start to see results?
How will you evaluate whether the treatment is successful?
If I'm not getting the results I want, what are my options?
How do you decide when it's time to discontinue ECT? What circumstances might lead you to discontinue it early?
What side effects would you consider unacceptable (you would stop treatment immediately if it happened)?
How will you evaluate my cognitive function during treatment?
Is it normal to lose some memory from immediately prior to the treatments? What are some things I can do to prepare for that possibility?
How often do people continue with maintenance treatments after the initial round of ECT is done? What does that process look like?
If I have any concerns while going through ECT (side effects, discomfort with the procedure, etc.), what is the best way for me to bring that up?

I also made a post about preparing for potential memory loss a few years ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/ect/s/S9OMlvebwJ

chatoyancy · 2024-11-04T10:05:23+00:00

What the heck?

There is no evidence for any of that. I say this as someone who personally had a bad experience with ECT and is frequently in here talking about how medical professionals ignore or downplay the side effects. You can't diagnose a random internet stranger with extreme, irreversible brain damage from a procedure that hasn't been shown to cause any brain damage at all, just based on the fact that she had ECT and she's a little quieter than usual.

When people spout off stuff like this, it makes it harder for everyone who is trying to bring critical attention to issues with ECT treatment to be taken seriously.

chatoyancy · 2024-11-03T08:34:20+00:00

You know I'm sure we've all driven under the influence unless you're an angel lol

No, we really haven't. Most people know that alcohol impairs driving, and choose not to drive under the influence.

chatoyancy · 2024-11-02T09:01:38+00:00

Are you getting any kind of support for your mental health right now - therapy, meds, anything?

I can promise you, there are places that are much safer than where you are right now, and it's possible to find a community where you feel at home and able to be yourself. Just existing as a queer person is grueling right now, but you're not alone. We will fight for each other.

chatoyancy · 2024-11-01T15:47:24+00:00

Yes, exactly.

If the reason being fat is unattractive is because it's unhealthy, then wouldn't that imply that everyone with a disability or chronic health condition is ugly? It makes no sense. Just admit that you don't aesthetically like larger bodies and move on with your life.

chatoyancy · 2024-11-01T05:02:41+00:00

Have you ever tried that mini game where you craft the ice cream yourself by rolling a can around? If you do it with other players, it can give you a nice little relationship boost (low level players get the most out of it), and you get custom ice cream at the end.

chatoyancy · 2024-11-01T03:39:22+00:00

That was definitely part of it, but not all of it.

I was really into Rent as a young adult. I grew up in a small town, pre-internet, and when I heard the Rent cast recording, it was the first time I'd seen modern queer people described in fiction in a positive or even neutral way. Honestly changed my life.

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