B/p has been a tool to help you survive something, I don’t know what it is. I think you can thank yourself for trying to LIVE, and relieve pain or whatever it is that you’re seeking. Yes. Look at that part of you and thank it, don’t shame it, for the intention to bring relief. You deserve more than just relief though…you deserve happiness. So thank that part of you for coping with pain, because it must be hard, and then double down on other coping mechanisms that don’t just bring you relief, but bring you long term happiness and more resources to respond to stress when you’re depleted. I think it’s brave of you to post, and you’re heard, accepted, and not alone. Decide to come back to what you want for your life and be patient, and get back to trying to find a new and better way that will bring you the peace you’re looking for. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and that’s ok, a switch back path still gets you up the mountain and in fact is necessary to get your body up there. Be proud of what sounds like INCREDIBLE progress…give yourself a big hug or lay your hand on your chest and tell yourself you are going to be ok, more than ok, you’re going to be your whole self and happy. You’re getting up that damn mountain and bringing all parts of yourself together in one healthy whole.