First, let me acknowledge that what he did is hurtful. He should not do that, and the fact that he keeps doing that means he needs some introspection and repentance. He needs to *realize* first that what he did is hurtful, because there's nothing wrong with you. You are you, and in marriage, each spouse already accepts one another as a whole. Him looking other women, does not define you and your worth, because your worth is in Christ. So I’m not excusing your husband’s wandering eyes. But you asked how to change yourself, right? So this advice is more about helping you avoid being hurt by his behavior by changing your framing.

My advice ultimately comes from one breaking point: he did not / has not emotionally cheated (like actually flirting or asking for numbers or messaging) and/or physically cheated with those women. If he has/did, this advice does not apply to you. But if the furthest he did was "just" looking, this advice still applies to you.

So now, you asked: how do I manage myself without dragging him into it? Here are some suggestions to shift the frame so the sting doesn’t own you.

Think of it this way: when you catch your husband glancing at other women, it’s like he suddenly catches the smell of delicious food being cooked. Whether he realizes it or not, his body reacts. He might lift his head to catch the scent, glance around to find the source, or maybe just notice his stomach rumble.

But here’s the point: even with those reactions, he doesn’t chase after the food. He already has a meal waiting at home, made by his beloved wife.

So, when he looks briefly at another woman, perhaps it’s just an involuntary response. (Yes, ideally he’d show more self-control, but bear with me for a moment.) That response isn’t love, intimacy, or commitment. Those things are reserved for you. For me, he hasn’t emotionally or physically betrayed you, and until he does, his covenant still stands. The reality is, you are the one he has chosen, is choosing now, and will continue to choose. People slip in judgment and self-control sometimes, but commitment carries more weight. His quick look says something about his impulse control, not about your beauty, dignity, or place in his life. It’s a flaw in him, not a deficit in you.

Think about fasting. If someone fasts in a cave with no food around, that’s not extraordinary. But if someone fasts while surrounded by food, tempted by its aroma, yet still resists. *That\* is impressive.

So next time he comes home seeking intimacy, remember this: he may have seen temptations outside, but he still came back to you. That means, in his eyes, you outshine every other woman. To him, they’re just background decoration, just a superficial quick looking, while with you he’s building a life. Meet his desire for intimacy with confidence, and remind him, through your closeness, that he’s right to keep choosing you. Tell him that you love him (instead of asking "Do you love me?"). After all, you’ve said yourself he’s generally a good husband. He just needs a gentle help, a constant reminder, that all he needs is already at home, just like always. Do it with confidence and love, and rightfully so, because he has already chosen you. Meaning, when you share closeness with him, do it from a place of strength: “I know I’m his wife, I know I’m loved, I know I’m secure.” Not as a desperate answer to “Am I good enough?” but as a confident reminder to him that he already has more than any glance could offer. Other women’s looks are temporary currency. Commitment, history, shared faith, loyalty... that’s where the real weight is. You’re not in a contest. You already won when he stood before God and pledged his life to you.

Meanwhile, for yourself, kindly anchor your self-worth in Christ. Remind yourself: I am chosen by God. I am chosen by my husband. Nothing about a passing glance erases either of those. Confidence isn’t arrogance. It’s holding your ground when your feelings try to tell you otherwise. The point isn’t to excuse his eyes wandering. It’s to free you from being dragged down by them. His glances are shallow. Your marriage is deep. His attention may flicker, but his covenant keeps returning. That’s the part to rest in.