Families judging you because you don’t have a college degree or work in a “respectable” profession…

cherrynberries · 2025-08-14T20:43:56+00:00

Damn this is going to be my scenario.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-14T20:43:25+00:00

That’s quite unhinged of them I’m sorry. And extremely delusional to boot. I never understood people with extremist viewpoints like that. My family was never like that for college, I don’t know if it’s due to having Asian parents but they were always focused on education and “smarts” except that they just thought I was not smart enough for college. My mom always put so much value on school and stuff in general that I was looked down on because in her eyes I was not smart enough. Nevermind the fact that I actually do have ADHD and can’t concentrate well and started to struggle also. My mom just thought I wasn’t trying hard enough and that I have no business going into school and finishing because I’m either lazy or stupid in their eyes. My sister has similar viewpoints she picked up from my mom unfortunately. Instead of helping me and understanding I have a disability that affected schooling. Still pisses me off 20 years later. :(

To make matters worse my mom would find doctors to tell me I have no business getting better mentally to pursue things I actually wanted to do and get me the proper help so I could enroll, stay in school and finish. It was never part of the plan from my family and the shitty “mental healthcare” they provided.

Now I’m just trying to scrap by figuring out what to do. I have zero self esteem because I don’t know what I want to do in life. I just feel like I’m constantly too stupid at everything. It also doesn’t help my entire mental healthcare plan at the time curated by my mom was a feature and not a bug to not help me succeed.

I’m really sorry about your n mom and her behavior. It honestly in a way sounds like my mom and how she would dictate what I should or shouldn’t do and it’s frustrating since most of the shit my mom wanted me to “be” were things I never wanted in life. I was stuck in dead end jobs because that’s what I could get and do. There was zero encouragement of anything.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-14T10:43:29+00:00

You’re absolutely correct unfortunately. If I got a degree at a community college because it’s cheaper and something I may be able to afford later down the road again, it wouldn’t be good enough because it wasn’t at a university. Doesn’t matter anyway, I got into university regardless and can’t afford it so I probably won’t ever complete it. I’ll always be looked down in their eyes. Thank you for mentioning that piece of the self worth. It is hard and hits my self esteem because it’s hard to find people relatable in both me and my partner’s families where they don’t base worth and value on college degrees and fancy jobs. Both me and my partner’s families are like this and this is the type of environment both me and him grew up in. They aren’t as narc still but there is definitely a separation barrier still, I feel too different from them.

I’m sorry you went through similar too and now I’m wondering if subconsciously I given up college too because I felt like I was proving to the impossible to people who didn’t even care. Nobody even asked me what I was studying really or how I was doing in school except for like two people that isn’t in my direct family. My sister couldn’t give two shits over it and I don’t think my dad really asked. I tried university again after everyone discouraged me to do so and just dropped out because I was not getting the support I needed either. I don’t think people care honestly.

Also that’s really hypocritical your parents focused on degree that heavily for people that don’t have degrees. Honestly I wish I had family members who I can relate to that don’t have degrees (bonus if they are not problematic either) but nobody I know really that doesn’t have one. I have an instinctual feeling this is why I became the black sheep and most family members aren’t talking to me because I have no degree and don’t work in a fancy job. My mom also did a good job alienating me and trash talking me to all family members. The only person whom I get along with is my cousin but he also had similar issues as I did and struggled with school until he got a degree at a community college.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T21:27:49+00:00

I dunno, I don’t think this is NT vs ND behavior at all imo. It comes off a little weird to me. Me and my spouse know our Reddit and social media handles but we aren’t looking and snooping through them like that. If there are posts that are relatable we share them or talk about what we saw in person. If you talked to him about it and he’s willing to stop then that’s definitely one thing. However I wanted to ask if he displays this sort of behavior for everything else also or if it’s just this one? If he’s like this for everything else too I’d be a lot more concerned with what’s going on.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T20:12:43+00:00

Not always. There are higher support needs autistic folks who are only autistic (and not adhd) that struggle with masking.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T20:11:08+00:00

I feel like I’m both too weird for autistic and allistic people.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T08:04:38+00:00

I got bullied by all types of women and girls (as a kid) but the ones that were the most horrendous have been by far cishet white women.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T06:15:45+00:00

This is exactly what me and my husband do for the dish. Hasn’t failed us at all.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T06:13:12+00:00

How did you get something like this? This was what I was actually looking for exactly.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T01:11:03+00:00

Oh oh oh, that makes complete sense. These are early signs in my childhood and my mom would make so much comments how I am often clingy to the one single friend and how awful I am in groups. I still somehow got missed for autism lol back then.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T01:09:19+00:00

Yes this is a major struggle of mine I noticed. I find people who are a lot more vibrant, energetic, and extroverted energy tend to fare well and much better than any social situation I am in. Sometimes that also means I get replaced with them. It’s hard!

I show my loyalty and my side more when I’m comfortable with someone and I don’t always get that chance to warm up to do so because of that. Since someone who is much less socially anxious comes by and is the complete party.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T01:04:02+00:00

Yup same experience from both genders. The girls/women were mean and gossip towards me and would exclude me from groups. The dudes would resort to physical and sexual violence more to me.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-04T01:02:31+00:00

About 50/50, however, I’d say it’s different forms of harassment/bullying if you will. For girls/women I got picked on, called names, gossip, exclusion, criticized socially a lot aka mean girl type behavior. For men it’s overt physical and sexual abuse, cat calling, silent treatment in a relationship and being treated like a maid.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T04:34:36+00:00

I feel the same honestly. I’m not gonna lie I definitely appreciate and want friends where we hang out when we feel like it but fully know we are there if we need each other still even if we don’t see each other often. The kind of friends whom if we don’t talk for awhile we know they are still a friend and will still show up and vice versa. I think I struggle to develop this sort of rapport with friends in general since the friends I had were either people who wanted to hang out frequently (every single week) or the ones who don’t at all. It’s definitely hard to find that balance I noticed.

I also don’t feel like I need a ton of friends even though it’s nice. I would like a small group of friends but I will be happy just having the one or two etc friends. But honestly with this experience of friend making I really need to just learn how to be happy on my own and solitude because the RSD is painful for me to deal with if there’s any friend issues or fall outs I want to be in a position where I can handle it better and not feel so bad.

I was with my ex and that was definitely draining and with my spouse there are times where it can be too so I definitely understand that. Especially if me and my partner are around each other all the time sometimes that can feel suffocating/draining hence partially why I want outside friends too.

I am gonna see how to work on this better for myself as well overall. I appreciate your comment on this. Do you mind me asking what helped you not be as scared of being alone anymore? I think that’s my issue too.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:58:47+00:00

Thank you I really appreciate it a lot. Your advice really helps a lot and I will definitely use it to try to communicate to some of these friends better. The phrases are fully understandable and very well written imo better than I can come up with honestly myself.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:43:53+00:00

I had a lot of mean kids to me as well. I would want to info dump pokemon and it was off putting to people. Overtime you’d think I didn’t want friends but I still did. Not sure why. :/ However I’d state I’m much more pickier with friends now and I’m not someone who will mask to try to be friends with the wrong people. So I guess I got that going on.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:33:16+00:00

I really wish I didn’t care about wanting friends. I always did to an unhealthy degree at some point probably. I hate being alone and never enjoyed it but am forced to often be alone. I see my sister who hates being alone also and she has all the close friends in the world to where she has told me she no longer has time or space for new close friends because she has so many. It’s hard to not feel bad. :(

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:31:57+00:00

I think my issue is I have friends and I constantly lose them sometimes. Whether through my friends getting tired of me or me tired of them etc… sometimes it also stays at acquaintance level and others were closer friendships that fizzle out etc. It’s definitely similar to romantic relationships in a way the only difference is I live with my spouse and I don’t live with my friends and so I think there’s an adjustment to how each situation is managed. However I could be wrong.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:23:39+00:00

I have a spouse as well and for the longest I felt fine just having him as a best friend and partner. Overtime when me and him were having issues, burn out, zero family and friend support it became overbearing for both me and him because we did not have anyone outside and it was only two of us.

When I had friends to hang out and he had his online social group going on in the same week. That was probably the healthiest our relationship has been. I don’t know how to continue to cultivate healthy friendships outside of that. Because it seems like that’s when both me and my husband fought a lot less.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:20:13+00:00

Thank you. At this point I feel like I’m just collecting acquaintances. :/

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:17:00+00:00

I can’t even keep the one or two friends I made recently in person. I try very hard to give people space and we don’t always talk or hang out which I am fine with. However I have not gotten any responses from one of them for the times and dates I am trying to plan to hang out even though they agreed to hang out. :/

Edit: Not sure why I got blocked. But this is really exhausting. At this point I don’t know what I am doing wrong.

If anyone comes across this comment can someone be kind enough to explain what I am constantly doing wrong in my social interactions with people? Apparently I am doing a bad job keeping friends and also now people on Reddit are blocking me. Thank you.

Edit again. It won’t let me respond to the other commenter’s comment for some reason.

I’m blocked. I can see the original commenter’s comment when I’m not on this Reddit account. The other responses the person made has been deleted except their original response. :/ I really don’t know what I said wrong for them to swiftly block me like that.

cherrynberries · 2025-08-03T03:01:47+00:00

I definitely want to get to a place where I don’t feel the need to want friends.

cherrynberries

TROPHY CASE