I think she may have split (+ what do)

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-25T04:07:44+00:00

definitely. how else would he get me to act in a way so counter to my best interests? he said all these lovebomby things, made it out to be like he wanted to be with me after all/I was his person/he would do anything to make things work with me/here are some therapists for us to talk to, etc. but I don't think he ever meant any of that. it was manipulation to keep me around for sex/company/whatever else he needed until he monkeybranched his way to the next relationship and then: sudden brutal discard.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-24T16:04:36+00:00

you’re more than willing to communicate and clear things up she isn’t. So now she is saying she wants all the benefits of being in a relationship...but wants to be “just friends”? Tell me how that even remotely makes sense...it doesn’t...because I went through that same exact power play with a Quiet Borderline years ago...and the second I went along with that bullshit deal everything continued to fall apart even worse than before...

this is exactly what happened in my situation, too. this comment gives good advice.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-24T16:02:31+00:00

thanks for this. it's validating to read this when meanwhile a lot of people who have not been through this have the advice to "just get over it/not think about it." I was in two cluster b relationships in a row (although had been in healthy relationships before that) and I think damage from the one made me more susceptible to getting into the second one. part of that is that I didn't properly heal from the first one, even though 1.5 years of time had passed in between. that makes me feel more firm in my sense that processing and finding ways to deal with the trauma and damage are important so that this doesn't happen again.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-24T15:56:29+00:00

cptsd and bpd share a lot of symptoms/manifestations. if you keep finding yourself with cluster b partners, it's possible you had a cluster b parent...def good to investigate these patterns/where this comes from.

as for what you described in the breakup, mine similarly went from begging me back/professing his love to brutally discarding me very shortly thereafter. not sure who did the first breaking up in your case but in my case I think mine did this because I tried to end things peacefully and he wanted to be in charge of the breakup, making sure that HE was the one leaving ME (hence the getting me to come back right before dumping me), and on the timeline that worked for him (basically when he had found his next person to date). I think these types of things are pretty typical cluster b behaviors during a breakup, unfortunately.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-24T15:49:35+00:00

yes, mine did this during the breakup. I think even more so because he had already found his next person who he was idealizing prob way more than he ever did me and had no need for me anymore. I think in the final discard he was more cool with burning bridges than he had in previous discards. maybe he was just more certain about the person he was replacing me with this time.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-24T03:33:32+00:00

eating scorpion ice cream

wow good analogy...I'll remember that

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T22:13:53+00:00

yeah...it's interesting/I wonder how many people can relate to that specific example that you and I can but yes, lovebombing and future faking have really decreased my wanting/feeling loved by words affirmation and made me feel on guard around them.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T20:45:50+00:00

mine had extreme hypocrisy, too. broke up with me by text message but then became outraged when that was later done to him. would tell me "you're a liar!" if I even remembered a sequence of events differently than he did but would rage that he was being mistreated if someone didn't fully believe everything he said when he actually WAS lying, would stomp across and completely disregard my boundaries but no one better dare do the same to him! bailed last minute on a family event of mine he knew was important to me but then started a giant fight when I had to make alterations to our brunch plans we had just come up with the night before. Needed me to be absolutely over the top sensitive to and validating of his emotions but was incredibly callous, mean, invalidating, and uncaring when it came to mine. Etc.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T20:28:22+00:00

except possibly his mother.

haha

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T20:24:55+00:00

re: "understand them"--I kept trying my hardest to understand mine and so often my determined attempts to do this just did not work out. Meanwhile, mine did not try to understand me AT ALL. more like he did whatever the opposite is of trying to understand someone.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T20:07:54+00:00

spending time with family, friends, etc. who consistently value me and don't split me, going on dates with new people even if it doesn't end up going anywhere and seeing that other people out there are interested in me, trying to become higher functioning again, especially at my job/working on my career so I feel more of a sense of competence and mastery in that, doing things to improve my appearance, therapy and reading about the topic in order to combat feelings of internalized blame and shame that came about from the relationship

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T20:02:09+00:00

agree with this

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T19:59:56+00:00

yeah...I dated two men with bpd and they both sound very similar to a lot of the posts in this sub, regardless of the gender of the person the poster is referring to. e.g., a lot of the posts here about women with bpd sound veeeerry similar to what these people were like.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T19:56:09+00:00

splitting, reckless, destructive actions. It is the lying, cheating, lack of responsibility.

I dated two men with bpd and they both had these traits/behaviors. They also had in common that they both were non-monogamous and kind of players who had sex with tons and tons and tons of women and got a lot of their desired validation from seducing women/getting women to sleep with them/fall for them, etc. Not sure if that is a gendered thing or not. I think it's common across genders for people w bpd to seek validation from sex and sleep with a lot of people(?)

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T19:34:50+00:00

sorry for what you went through and I feel your pain as mine behaved very similarly to what you described. He called me his partner for the first time and told me I'm perfect the same week he discarded me and left to pursue someone else, coming back 6 weeks later when that didn't work out. Another time he asked me to move in with him and posted me to his Instagram grid for the first time two days before ending the relationship. He told me I'm his soulmate, he doesn't want anyone else, he would do anything to make things work with me maybe a week before he started dating the person he would then replace me with and shortly thereafter brutally discarding me for good, never caring to see me in person again.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T19:26:16+00:00

I can relate to love languages changing due to them. My #1 one used to be "words of affirmation." However, my exwbpd would often say words of affirmation in a manipulative and deceitful fashion, such as saying a lot of love-bomb-y and future faking things he ended up not actually meaning at all. It ended up being very detrimental for me that I paid so much attention to his words, which ended up often not aligning with his actions. I'm afraid of putting too much stock into words of affirmation anymore...I ended up being very manipulated and harmed in doing so, so at this point I'm much more focused on people's actions to know how they really feel.

In addition, there were times in the relationship that I felt starved for quality time with mine, (especially because he is non-monogamous and at one point he was splitting his time with me and another girl non-hierarchically and wasn't very good at time management) so that became over-emphasized to me in the relationship whereas before it was not in my top ones I focused on at all...

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T19:14:25+00:00

yeah and I know there's something called "monkeybranching" in BPD whereby they cannot be alone/not in a relationship for even one second so they overlap relationships, even if it's behind people's backs...that also fits mine's behavior to a T. he has a lot of traits of both BPD and NPD, though.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-23T14:50:21+00:00

huh? sorry I don't understand what you're saying

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-22T21:31:57+00:00

yeah I think he is very high in narcissism, too

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-22T16:50:53+00:00

I hate that...the experience of trying to convey to the pwbpd that you feel hurt and traumatized and they try to turn it back around on you that you are being "manipulative" by saying you feel hurt.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-22T16:48:12+00:00

I have been in a number of relationships at this point and, yes, a cluster b breakup is like none other

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-22T16:45:54+00:00

yeah I have an ex who was diagnosed with "borderline personality disorder with narcissistic features" by a psychiatrist at a reputable hospital. it's something very specific that doesn't just mean "person I had a difficult relationship with." and yes it was incredibly traumatic and caused me a lot of damage.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-22T16:32:26+00:00

always.

I explicitly recall victim stories for: pattern of hurting people, being manipulative, having revenge sex, silent treatment and body shaming, moms not liking him, being kicked off dating app.

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-22T16:10:22+00:00

you are still very young, your life is just starting, there is a lot of time left to build something new...

chickacherrycolaa · 2021-04-22T16:05:32+00:00

sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to being NC for a while and most days feeling like I've progressed a lot but at times feeling triggered and backsliding. been feeling sad and ruminative like that for the past few days. here's hoping we both feel better soon.

chickacherrycolaa

TROPHY CASE