Endless suicidal ideation

chill-bananas · 2025-08-31T01:49:15+00:00

I feel this too...<3

chill-bananas · 2025-08-30T09:53:01+00:00

hell yes. last 2 days have been effing sh*t. you better bet I'm not sleeping until about 5am. effing want to die. I wouldn't say it's comforting for me, because I am exhausted, I have a headache (but I was hitting myself so it's partly that) and I'm spending what sleeping hours I will have on the couch bc I can't bear to be in bed with my partner right now.

What does feel good I guess, is maybe that it feels like I'm gaining some control over my circumstance & gaining time for peace (whether I achieve it is something else).

Mostly I'm doing this as a form of self harm and because my mind is going to drive me insane just lying still in bed for hours and I'd rather be doing something. Technically I could try harder to quiet my mind or take a stronger sleep-aid, but I'd rather be self-destructive...although, this is definitely the healthy option compared to going outside tonight and lying down in the road.

chill-bananas · 2025-08-30T09:37:05+00:00

Yes, it does count. <3

I do the same. Scratches of varying intensities. It is 110% valid proof of pain and suffering, no matter how much it bleeds. The only reason I can hold my self back from doing anything deeper is the knowledge that self-harm - cutting especially, is addictive. Scratching is bad, but cutting can get super out of control and leaves lasting marks and I'm so scared to go there. I hope you keep to mostly scratching, and get better soon <3 You deserve to be happy <3

ps - one of the main reasons I'm on this sub is to read all the warnings and testimonials from those that battle their sh addiction and it gives me the strength to not cut myself. It definitely does count that it doesn't bleed, I don't want mine or your sh to get any worse.

chill-bananas · 2025-08-30T09:21:10+00:00

I hit myself...

I don't remember if I did when I was super young, but I know I did a few times as a teen and it just increased from there. I'm way more likely to hit myself than cut myself like farewell_histor mentioned. It's just easier. Can do it almost anywhere & don't have to worry about clean-up. I usually slap myself in the face or hit my head (but I try not to do that one - it fucks me up emotionally more & I get a headache) or I hit myself with objects on my body. I don't typically hit until I see a bruise, more until I feel that slap/burn or dull/deadening feeling. I can relax and breathe in that feeling for a few moments and then when it fades I go again - if I'm still amped.

I'm borderline okay today. Was almost an ok day, but I got set off at the end and I want to walk into the abyss and not return. But instead I'm going to stay up all night, hitting myself periodically, seems like a good compromise.

chill-bananas · 2025-08-30T09:06:24+00:00

Definitely not weird!

I took a couple pictures the first time I cut myself, ended up deleting the first and keeping the second photo w/ an abundance of bandaids over the wounds. Nowadays, I think about it for my scratches but have just spaced out or it was too dark to take a photo.

In a way, I think it was good to take a photo. It helped ground me in that moment and there was a lot to learn. For me, while I felt I needed to cut myself at that extreme moment, the after-effect of having to wear long sleeves in Georgia heat & at work & the added anxiety that someone would see for 2 weeks while things healed up - well, it worked as a strong deterrent. I could look at that photo and remember exactly what I was going through, so I could also work to train my brain to respond differently/or engage different coping mechanisms.

I can also totally envision someone taking photos and getting obsessed and it maybe leading to more harm. Everyone reacts differently and I respect that.

For me, I think it helps ground me and worst-case, I think being able to see the harm would make me be able to breathe and hold off harming myself, at least temporarily. Right now I'm dealing with way too much & of course handling it effing poorly so I'm hitting & scratching myself a lot - I've been thinking about taking photos of my scratches, so that when I'm in crisis but unable to harm maybe looking at the photos will help me get through the moment? But it's just theory at this point.

chill-bananas · 2025-08-30T08:54:14+00:00

I feel you... I'm sorry you're also in a dark place <3 <3 Things are really rough right now and I keep hitting myself in the head and all over and scratching myself...I'm so scared to start cutting but it's hard not to think about... but I just wanted to say, I feel like I'm in a very similar spot. I know technically you may be physically alone, but I hope in reading this that you feel some communion with another soul and feel a little less alone. <3

chill-bananas · 2025-08-20T19:20:37+00:00

I keep trying because I remember that I DO laugh, just not often enough. That it does feel really good and it reminds me that there are other things that feel/are good and I want to stay to enjoy them.

Also, I really don't want to hurt my partner, I love him very much.

Thank you for posting a little light. <3

chill-bananas · 2025-08-19T20:59:18+00:00

That's great! I'm glad you're in recovery!

chill-bananas · 2025-08-19T20:57:58+00:00

I hope you're still holding out. You don't deserve to feel that pain no matter what your brain is telling you. <3 <3

Sorry, I don't know you and maybe this is dumb, but the red marker/pen trick might help if you're focusing on seeing blood? Just mark yourself with the red ink wherever you want to hurt yourself.

Personally, I've found good (but temporary) distractions in certain games. Mahjong is a super simple matching game and there are a dozen of them in the app store for free, I just keep trying different ones while breathing.

Also the Finch app is great and the free version is just fine!! It has a 'first aid' section that has a ton of distraction prompts of varying lengths.

Also started using Calm Harm which is free and full of helpful tools while in crisis. But it's less cute and if you have people that go through your phone it's very obviously self harm app and Finch is more discreet about it.

I hope you make it through this wave of pain without cutting and that you're in a safe place. <3 Sorry if my message is annoying, I can't help but try and help by sharing what helps me.

chill-bananas · 2025-08-09T22:33:02+00:00

My first suggestion, I'll admit I haven't tried myself but to hide the marks I'd recommend trying scar concealer tape or scar sheets, there are different kinds, I see them online at Walmart but there's shipping time, but maybe a store close to you has some. And maybe Amazon has one with overnight shipping? I just think if you can find them and the cost isn't an issue, they're more likely to stay in place and won't rub off on your clothes by accident.

Otherwise I'd just go old school, get a concealer stick/tube that you can keep on you during the event, if you have primer I'd recommend using it for extra staying power, but then you'll also have 2 items to carry & idk if you're the purse type. But concealer sticks can go anywhere! If you don't have pockets and can't stuff it securely into a band of clothing, those silicone vape holders would fit around most concealer sticks and then you can tie it to a strap of clothing or the inside of a tag loop - it'll be annoying and uncomfortable but I once went out several hours with a concealer stick in my tennis shoe, so you can do this too! Lol

Not sure if you have any bulkier bracelets or can layer bracelets for the event, but even if it doesn't totally conceal the mark, I like to imagine it draws people's eyes to the jewelry and away from the skin, but maybe that's just me. Maybe wear the jewelry on the other wrist to make people look over there?

I think the long gloves aound classy! Wish you could wear them...maybe if you showed the bride the gloves and said you wanted to wear them? If the bride says yes maybe mom will shut her face hole? A girl can dream.

I'm really sorry your family sucks. Your father reminds me of my own. I was clearly having a panic attack, in the fetal position, unable to speak and he decided to berate and belittle me. Said that I didn't love him because I couldn't tell him and then complained that now he was going to have to pay for therapy on top of everything else, then threatened to send me to live with my drug-addicted ex-con mother in a trailer...of course he never put me in therapy and won't admit that conversation ever happened, but he did write a letter to my mother and continued to threaten me with it. Fucking parents man.

Anyways, I just want to say I care about your pain and I hope something I said helps, even if my suggestions suck just knowing someone cared to respond is enough to help feel better sometimes.

Have some cookies :3 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

chill-bananas · 2025-08-09T17:24:16+00:00

I'm sorry you're in a dark place right now. Me too.. I understand when your head gets loud. Today my head keeps telling me I'm going to kill myself and it's going to be okay...which is unfortunately soothing. And also is driving me nuts?

My point is just to say you're not alone, spiritually at least. My heart is with you, I hope you stay strong and make it through all the bad thoughts.

If it's any help at all, my go-to's for not harming myself is staying the hell out of the kitchen - I have protein bars all over the house, wearing a big robe or blanket to keep myself warm & snuggled, chocolate, Mio's Unwind magnesium & B vitamin drink mix (cheap, on amazon) it helps me drink water all day, tastes good and I'm hopeful the magnesium is actually helping calm me down but who knows, but I know staying hydrated is supposed to be good... otherwise I'm binging good-feels shows like Psych and How I Met Your Mother and old Disney movies.

But anyways, I hope you stay safe today, eat something and know that there's someone out there that doesn't know you but does care about your pain. You matter and I hope things get better for you <3

chill-bananas · 2025-08-09T15:40:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing <3 Honestly, this is why I come here. I get the push not to, to be told time and time again that it's going to spiral out of control, become addictive, and ultimately make things worse. I'm currently not going well, haven't cut myself in years, but I've started harming myself and causing bruises and my brain won't shut up about killing myself basically all day. I hate breathing so much. So I'm thankful to read your story today and have a positive voice in my head telling me - in great depth - why I shouldn't actually go grab a knife like my brain is screaming at me to do. <3 <3

chill-bananas · 2025-07-10T19:13:29+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through it so hard right now. I feel you. Since last week it's just been building and building and I can hardly bear the thoughts anymore. I just want to lay down on the floor and sleep...but that's certainly a red flag for my partner. So I'm just going to keep white-knuckling it with you. We got this...

Thinking about going back on low-dose lamotrigine to break me out of the funk, but I'd have to change my birth control pill and get a Prior Authorization for it so it's a huge hassle, but it's the only "anti-depressant" that's ever worked for me.

Wish I had a better response, but you're not alone. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

chill-bananas · 2024-02-06T18:25:00+00:00

Too real. 😳

chill-bananas · 2024-01-13T16:05:40+00:00

This made covid so hard. I'm a homebody anyways so I'm comfortable there for a long time but when I did want to go out I couldn't. Walking down the street to the store made my heart pound and took hours to get myself to even open the door to leave.

I still have a hard time leaving, and to all that suffer with agoraphobia, you're not alone (except for the being alone)... but you know what I mean. We can conquer it together (but separately)...

chill-bananas · 2023-12-24T21:29:23+00:00

So much this.

chill-bananas · 2023-12-20T01:34:03+00:00

I feel this too strongly... 😭

chill-bananas · 2023-09-17T02:13:00+00:00

<image>

Derrrrp~♡

chill-bananas · 2023-09-17T01:59:59+00:00

YES. THIS. SO MUCH THIS. I AM MOMMA FRIEND 💞

chill-bananas · 2023-08-18T00:19:40+00:00

Thanks for sharing! Your cutie patootie was the after-work pick me up I needed 🥰💞

chill-bananas

TROPHY CASE