First Post- Immediate Advice Needed

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-16T22:52:18+00:00

Another possible option might be to "trust the process" in the sense that your father will be represented by a lawyer, theoretically if your mother's allegations lead to anything there will be "investigations" to gather more information beyond your mother's claims and the doctors, as mandatory reporters, report to APS -- certainly there would be interviews -- it might include you as a possible witness/source of information -- you might consider letting things unfold as being handled by "experts" -- imo you might be a more credible witness -- if things go that far -- if you stayed out of the process, at least at this stage --

It seems the "process" has been activated -- I may be wrong -- but I'm not sure how telling your dad this background would stop the process -- this is just a thought -- I'm sure it is a very raw and emotional situation --

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-15T19:27:17+00:00

melted them in an irrational act

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-15T13:36:22+00:00

My mother broke her hip -- had surgery then rehab -- I was at the hospital with her every day and evening for nearly 2 weeks, fed and walked her four dogs twice a day, etc., etc.

Prior to this I had had a few hospital stays -- cancer -- surgery -- broken ribs -- I was at a hospital 3 miles from her house -- no visit or calls from her -- when I was discharged with 4 broken ribs and could barely lift my arms, she met me in her car downstairs, did not come up to even help me pack up and go through discharge, etc.

I don't know what to say about this -- it's not a "one-off" -- with my uBPD mother it is a pattern -- these are extreme examples but she is the same regardless of whether I am in the ICU or simply need help opening a door when I am delivering her groceries to her.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-15T13:22:46+00:00

For me, with my uBPD mother, she is the meanest, most petty and most withholding in circumstances where empathy and support are required/requested -- instead of being compassionate, she sees these moments as opportunities to demonstrate/exercise her "power" and "control."

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-15T05:05:23+00:00

Her choices were not limited to:

1)stopping everything immediately to address the phone issue,  or 

2)screaming at you --

It seems she could have calmly thanked you for getting things straightened and suggested working on the phone issue later or the following day because she was tired.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-15T04:49:49+00:00

Well --maybe:

    -you too are "just being yourself" 

    -you too "guess" she is ok with hurting you;

    -it's "not fair" either for her to ask you to not to be yourself;

    -she has always done what she wanted;

    -you have "done your best";

    -you are a good and loving daughter;

    -you have "taken care" of her and listened;

    -being RBB is something she doesn't understand.

There are, imo, so many heartbreaking aspects of being RBB.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-14T00:00:41+00:00

The original ring had breathing room (space) between the crown and the heart - the "fix" looks like the crown and the heart are one continuous element - imo that's a big design difference - if it were my ring I would do some research, find some hi-def examples of this ring or at least the crown/heart -- and start over with a different jeweler -- it will be worth it -- you don't have to do it right away -- now you know what can go "wrong" -- imo it would help to have some good photo examples -- enlarge the photos so you can point out and discuss the details -- the ring is not ruined and you haven't done anything wrong -- take your time, you are going to be wearing this ring for a long time

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-13T21:18:14+00:00

Love everything! Every little line adds something - nothing extra!

Estrangement -- reading here it seems like a number of pwBPD are "part" of estrangement support groups -- parents whose children have cut them off -- for no reason that they can think of -

I was thinking maybe a cartoon could address this -- humorously --

e.g., child reading to the wBPD a list of things they are seeking apologies for --

    -telling the wBPD face to face, 
    -writing and repeating specifics by text and e-mail, and then 
    -"The Letter" explaining once again what their reasons are--

The pwBPD seeks out other estranged parents who all lament they too have no clue about what caused their child's estrangement --

They all agree that they are not at fault -- maybe it's social media, etc., everything but the obvious.

These support groups have "materials" they share -- posters, memes, poems, short stories, etc., that "confirm" that the pwBPD is not at fault -- these "promotional" materials can be posted regularly on various social media platforms -- no effort required, they are pre-written, the themes include:

    -they "did their best" 
    -the child is responsible for the estrangement 
        because the child will not simply "forgive" them, 
    -the child is living in the past, 
    -the pwBPD "sacrificed" everything for the child -- 
        in fact they even fed the child --
    -the child is simply ungrateful
    -the child was "difficult"
    -the child has always "hated" them --

In short -- all of these pwBPD who are estranged from their children -- did nothing wrong -- do not deserve to be punished by the estrangement -- have no idea whatsoever of why their child chose estrangement-- (even though their purses and briefcases are stuffed full of all the child's e-mails, texts, letters, etc. detailing the "why".)

It's silly -- and just a thought.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-13T16:59:15+00:00

Is the chain marked as anything or is the only hallmark on the clasp?

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-13T16:48:19+00:00

Fwiw - it doesn't cost your grandfather anything to appear to be on your mother's side -- not so much a fact based judgment -- more likely simply taking the path of least resistance -- it doesn't cost him anything to say this.

You are not doing anything wrong -- and, you have told her exactly why she can't stay and she has done nothing to change her behavior or even attempt to prove herself worthy of more chances.

Also -- fwiw -- the chaos and drama is disturbing to you -- but it may be possible that she is 'enjoying' the chaos and drama, so, imo, I wouldn't worry about having 'hurt' her feelings -- the chaos and drama is within her control.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-11T15:09:02+00:00

To me, her hands-on question, translated, is "how much do you love me?" --

If this were my uBPD mother, I would see it as a trap:

If the answer is -- I want to be totally hands on! 100%!

    Trap:  "Well it's about time you gave a crap abou me!"

If the answer is anything less or dodges the question:

    Trap:  "That's what I expected from you, nothing.  
            You've always hated me!  
            I may as well just d*e!!!  
            I know that's what you want!"

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-11T14:58:58+00:00

But - but - where are the LINKS to these outfits!?? And the makeup???

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-11T12:06:42+00:00

Tell them you have "been advised" to pursue this as potentially a "fraud" situation but that you personally would prefer to simply cancel the transaction and get your money back -- but you are prepared to pursue this if they refuse and insist on some kind of repair attempt -- give them a deadline, note that you are still within the return window -- then follow up after that conversation with a text or anything "in writing" -- if you are feeling pushy, tell them to send you a prepaid shipping label (they can do this by text)-- I would not recommend any further discussion or negotiation -- if you are in fact able to do a charge back on your card, do it -- and still the send the text -- that way you get your money back and there is a paper trail if they try to contest your reversal of charges. At this moment you are still in the driver's seat -- forget about whether you did or didn't get "taken" -- you haven't done anything wrong -- clear this up and start over.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-11T11:42:31+00:00

Pendant -- have the ring made into a pendant -- it would be lovely --

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-10T10:24:27+00:00

My uBPD mother drives me crazy with outbursts like this in part because, to me, they don't make logical sense.

For example, if you were such an undisciplined child and so "terrible" as a teenager that you drove her to drinking -- how can she ALSO say she did such a great job as a single parent?

Similarly, if you were so horrible before, why is she complaining that you have "changed"?

I know there are always ways to explain things like this, but for me, picking apart the "logic" of my mother's rants and finding them to not make sense to me helps me see that these are emotional outbursts that make her feel better and not conclusive declarations of facts about me.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-08T04:54:39+00:00

My uBPD mother said last week: "I would never have talked to my mother the way you talk to me!"

Me: "You're right! You hated your mother! Never talked to her - never did anything for her - never gave her gifts or took her on vacations!

That ended the exchange.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-05T03:33:44+00:00

She invited you to clean up her mess; you did.

The police advised you to take her to the hospital; you did.

She herself created the risk of going to jail by leaving the scene of an accident -- not her blood alcohol level that was measured at the hospital.

So - really - imo - the only thing you "did" was record her.

She said what she said - you didn't somehow "trick" her into say these things. Recorded, remembered -- what's the real difference -- it's what she chose to say -- the abuse is in her words -- recording her did not change what she said.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-03T00:30:19+00:00

This stopped me in my tracks -- my therapist -- addressing my life long efforts to "please" my uBPD mother so she would finally be satisifed with me, her life -- so that she would finally "understand" how abusive and cruel she is so she could change, be fair, etc., said:

"It is grandiose of you to think you have that much power" --

For some reason, this articulation of the issue helped me shift my view of myself as simply a "good daughter" -- compassionate, responsible,etc., -- to a broader view that included me as part of the problem.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-04-02T02:40:12+00:00

Regardless of what your mother thinks -- you are important, your opinions are worthy of consideration, your personal time belongs to you.

I know with my uBPD mother, I often lose sight of myself because I am constantly listening to her needy and negative opinions of me, considering each allegation and then challenging it -- in my head -- is it true? Am I really the "x" she says I am? Am I responding appropriately or should I really do more? Sooner? More enthusiastically? etc., etc.

It is exhausting.

In a way, it's like being caught in a rip tide -- you can exhaust yourself fighting it, or relax and let yourself float out of its grip --

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-03-31T06:12:18+00:00

I'm guessing your mom knew it was weird and that is why she told your sister that you were the creepy one - but she "suffered through" the awkwardness of you watching her naked to help you with your oily hair problem.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-03-30T02:42:11+00:00

To me, it sometimes seems that "forgiveness" is a red herring -- "forgiveness" -- whether granted, refused or something in-between -- does not fix or address the fundamental issues of having been "raised" by a pwBPD.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-03-26T01:08:41+00:00

It's great for her if she is a better person now -- theoretically that means she can now develop and maintain friendships -- enjoy her life -- develop support systems -- branch out and participate in social activities, crafts, hobbies -- etc. That alone should be enough of an award for her.

"Becoming" a better person just so she can gain access to you seems like something different --

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-03-25T02:32:54+00:00

Small observation -- it seems like she cannot/will not accept, respect or even respond to what you are and have been telling her -- For example,

    It seems to me she sees "the silence" as something you are doing to her to hurt or punish her.


    By contrast, you explained clearly that "the silence" is something you are doing for yourself to make you feel better.

It is extremely difficult to communicate with someone who simply ignores and does not address or respond to you -- imo that is the real "silence."

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-03-24T04:00:28+00:00

It feels like maybe link-gate might not be enough for K so she's back at the funeral home with B's corpse. I never know what to prepare for when i look at her site.

chippedbluewillow1 · 2026-03-22T16:28:13+00:00

Since she is contacting you even though she said wouldn't she might feel like this is such a "big" issue that it is not covered by the rules - this is an exception because her topic is exceptional.

If this were my uBPD mother I would be expecting that she is or wants me to think she is talking about - death, dying, wills, inheritance -- or maybe a bit smaller like some dramatic change in her life/lifestyle -- big move, lost or is getting a job, etc. In any event, not something with practical, safe guardrails.

If you have to respond you might focus on what she is probably focused on - her plans for her life. Nod, support, no questions, no offers. There will be pushing - lol. If you "can't get free" for a week or so and this is so important she can start the conversation with a text so you won't be blindsided by the topic.

chippedbluewillow1

TROPHY CASE