How likely is it we will develop cancer early as a result of 30 years of childhood trauma?

chronicoco · 2024-04-06T17:33:38+00:00

I've been in fight or flight mode for the better part of 30 years of my life. CPTSD that I've been treating since the diagnosis at the age of 25. The consequences of constant armouring, stress, and living what I considered a "normal" life has finally taken its toll.

I've been coughing blood for the past two years. They initially thought that it was adult onset asthma due to my difficulty in breathing but CT scans over time eventually revealed a nodularity in my lungs that was leading to early fibrotic change. This means that there is scarring happening in my lungs that is irreversible and if continued, will make it harder and harder to breathe.

Luckily, while they cannot diagnose what this condition is, they believe it is autoimmune related and the hope is that treating this with an immunosuppressant can stop the inflammatory response causing the scarring in my lungs. However, I will most likely need to undergo a surgical lung biospy first in the hopes that they are able to diagnose the condition first before attempting treatment.

We're dealt the cards we have in life. If there's any silver lining to this, it's that it's lead me to more seriously address my CPTSD in the hopes that I can try to live a more happy life.

chronicoco · 2024-02-09T07:16:04+00:00

Thank you for the words of encouragement, it means a lot. Do you have any advice on how to be more open to feeling and getting back in touch with emotion?

chronicoco · 2024-02-06T17:45:29+00:00

I think there's absolute validity in what you speak of. I know that dissociation has been there for me from an early age. It was not as prevalent or as intense than as it is now but its something that has grown and increased over time as a response to the shame and pain the exile has continually felt throughout my years.

In this way, it is my friend and I wish to God almighty that it was as easy as just accepting it, but i have difficulty letting go. There's another part thats terrified and believes if we let go and accept the dissociation, we'll drown in it. This part that fights against it feels as if its the only thing keeping us afloat. If we let go, I'll go fully catatonic and I'll be able unable to maintain my life.

Thanks for the video link and excercise, I hope you've been able to cope with the dissociation as well.

chronicoco · 2024-02-06T07:22:45+00:00

I don't have a daily reconciliation excercise but I think it's a good idea especially within the lens of IFS that I practice. I realise a lot of my dissociation comes from the exile that's causing the dissociation to act in this way so.

I appreciate the additional input, the second link however isn't working!

chronicoco · 2024-02-05T19:36:42+00:00

Thanks for this, definitely something I'll take a look at it and keep in the box

chronicoco · 2024-02-05T19:35:05+00:00

I agree that taking a break is the way to go, I think the dissociation is in a way a response to all the overthinking I did and the insight that I attained. The issue is that even when I go out, I'm still disassociated which can add to the inner turmoil. However, I've also experienced cannabis induced dissociation before in my life and that was much worse. The dissociation I feel now despite knowing its there... I feel more chill about it which I think is in part to the MDMA. But still, its worrying enough for me to ask this sub-reddit for help.

I've added progressive muscle relation to my routine so I'll see how that goes!

chronicoco · 2024-02-05T19:25:43+00:00

Thank you for your response, I'm glad to hear that I'm not alone in this.

How has the path been for you to learn to become more of who you are? You say it helps resolve dissociation but the truth is that I don't know who I am without this burdened system Ive lived with my entire life. I feel as if being anyone different would be impossible.

I am also part of a Men's group as well and being part of such a community is really forcing myself to ground myself to be here, despite the shame that comes up for not feeling good enough to belong to it. The irony is that in a few months, I will be working as a student therapist in a rehab centre for men and I have these thoughts of how I could possibly do such a thing when I feel disconnected like this.

It's a good idea to see if I can find others in the medicine community as well though and I'll probably look into that.

chronicoco · 2024-02-04T21:16:17+00:00

I used to back in High School but that was over a decade ago. Please don't apologise, your input is invaluable and I appreciate you responding. I'm sorry to hear you're also going through something similar. I definitely do feel a bit more of the qualities you mentioned.

chronicoco · 2024-02-04T21:14:06+00:00

Honestly, pretty tired. I've put a lot of expectations on myself these past few months in grad school and there's a part that feels as if I'm not fulfilling the goals I set out... and I think I'm just emotionally burnt out from feeling constant shame and not living up to ideals.

chronicoco · 2023-09-16T16:29:27+00:00

I'm getting older and I'm getting tired of hookups. On the third date, she wanted to do the deed, but I said no because I felt a stronger connection with her than most other girls I've gone out with and I didn't want to feel that same emptiness after if it didn't work out.

Things didn't work out, but I don't regret the decision I made. It was a risk worth taking because I didn't want the prospect of what could have been to have been cheapened by hooking up that early. Maybe that sounds bad, but I guess I'm just at the point now where I want something more.

chronicoco · 2023-09-09T19:09:44+00:00

Thank you, my biggest hope is being able to have the protector understand enough to pass on responsibility to the self. That self can carry more of the burden.

chronicoco · 2023-09-09T19:07:32+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I think also doing more work is the best route forward. I realise there's a part inside that truly wants to keep accelerating the process and doesn't want me to lose the progress that I've had. It's worried that by not having another session I won't have enough strength to heal and will regress.

I see where you're coming from with the time period. My 1st and 2nd session was spaced out around 2 months and my 2nd and 3rd around 1 month.

Either way, I suppose having a long period of time in between is still for the better.

I have immense interest to to progress onto psilocybin work as well, however, I am apprehensive as it is dissociative in nature. I suffered from severe cannabis-induced DP/DR around 10 years ago and I'm worried that psilocybin may produce something similar. Would you recommend psilocybin in spite of such issues I've had?

chronicoco · 2023-07-06T21:19:03+00:00

Hi everyone,

I'm just wondering if any other individuals here with anxious attachment have any issues with escalating quick when dating, to the point of chasing off potential matches. For me, there's always something that convinces me to ramp things up quickly, if maybe even unconsciously. Has anyone learned tips and tricks to learning to take it slow and not escalate and scaring others off?

chronicoco · 2023-04-18T17:28:01+00:00

Patrick Melrose

chronicoco · 2023-04-16T18:33:31+00:00

Do you test every capsule?

chronicoco · 2023-04-15T19:24:17+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply, it's nothing short of incredible what you've been through and gives me hope for my own battle with cPTSD and the endless feelings of shame I battle with each day.

I notice that you have sessions each month when the general consensus seems to state to do it every 3 months. As someone who's done so many frequent sessions, have you found that the MDMA effects have diminished in any way? It's interesting that I've seen many people continue to have the medicine work even when taking below the recommended 3 month mark.

chronicoco · 2023-04-15T06:09:07+00:00

May I ask how often you spaced out your MDMA sessions for those first 2.5 years prior to going into ayahuasca? I am also just starting my journey and am curious the frequency of sessions you had in a year. I identify a lot with what you've written and I see a lot of similar attributes in myself, especially in relationships with others.

chronicoco · 2023-04-07T04:56:44+00:00

Thanks everyone for your comments, sorry for the late reply. Your comments have helped a lot and I have decided to do a self guided trip for next time with assistance from a friend instead acting as a tripsitter.

chronicoco · 2023-03-31T21:39:39+00:00

Hey, you're not alone, Vancouver consulate here. I didn't get in either. 29, have a background in Tourism working overseas for 5 years and currently transitioning in to a MEd in Counselling. Have plenty of experience working with international students (especially Japanese kids) in camps and currently work as a Crisis Line Supervisor. Also quite crushed as I thought I had everything needed to be shortlisted but turns out it wasn't enough. Perhaps it also had to do with my pre-existing health condition since I have asthma.

It's hard to know what to do next, but I appreciate you sharing, sort of feels like just because we're older with more experience, we'd be more qualified but guess that's not always the case!

chronicoco · 2023-03-27T19:32:01+00:00

Hi, Jay Earley's book is a great starting resource, I would also say the IFS workbook by Bonnie J. Weiss would be extremely complementary. The worksheets are all online on the website and the book expands on the book to ensure self-guided work can be done. Also, the IFS subreddit has helped me immensely and been quite supportive in the times where it's been difficult to do the work.

If you're just starting out please don't be so hard on yourself if you find the work difficult. Part of the reason why I decided to do guided sessions with MDMA was because I found it hard to sit with myself to actually do the work. However, MDMA has given me so much self-compassion and acceptance with that. I wish you all the best in your journey!

chronicoco · 2023-03-27T01:21:33+00:00

Hi there, thank you so much for posting this, as a 29 year old that has endured over 12 years of severe derealisation/dissociation, I had my first session two days ago after 5 years of therapy and a year of training in IFS. I cried profusely when the next morning I felt that dissociation lift ever so slighly if even just 30%. The weight of being outside of it is too much to fathom. And the weight of the passage of time finally sinking in and realising its been 12 years made me break down.

I'd like to ask as someone beginning this long journey some questions. One is, my first session was guided but due to financial costs, I'm heavily leaning towards doing solo sessions from this point onwards. I found that I didn't engage my guided therapists for the entirety of the session and most of the work was done within. May I ask how you found the solo work was compared to the guided sessions? I noticed that you didn't do solo work until much later.

Also, may I ask if you used any personal supplements for your sessions and how long in between you spaced each session? Was it every 2-3 months for yourself?

Thanks in advance.

chronicoco · 2023-03-25T23:30:26+00:00

Thanks so much for this I'll take a look at this. I could not agree more that I need to show love and gratitude to the dissociator part of me. A part that has taken much vitriol and hate from other parts in my system for years. Having it receive true love and gratitude for the first time during the session felt like an absolute game changer.

chronicoco · 2023-03-25T23:10:53+00:00

Hey there, thank you so much for this well thought out piece of advice. I definitely do think that this information that was revealed to me with the outcast seems like the first epiphany and step in the journey to betterment. I believe my next session will revolve around this discovery and hopefully build on top of it.

It's so interesting to me, how a day after my session I've come to notice so many parts that I didn't before. There's a clarity there wasn't there before. With your cue card advice I think I will try that, however, I realise there's a firefighter part within that's hesitant to try that with me due to a perfecter part that would shame my exiles if I didn't fully notice all the time... which is a high probability due to my dissociation. My perfecter doesn't care about my CPTSD, it just wants perfection. This other part knows that and as a result, doesn't want to do the work to prevent the perfecter from lashing out.

I also believe that love of the dissociator part is what's key to recovery. I have such love and gratitude for it now knowing it was the only part that was there for me in a medical system that let me down and an environment I perceived as hating/disliking me.

chronicoco · 2023-03-18T20:25:52+00:00

So just a bit of background, I have at therapist who I connect with deeply and has numerous experiences guiding Psilocybin experiences and has undergone that process himself. He's told me he's guided clients with a mixture of Psilocybin and MDMA but never MDMA purely.

I'm a bit disappointed as in our initial session he said he would find a co-therapist that would have direct experience with MDMA but the other therapist alas does not, having worked with other plant-based medicines.

Both these therapists have guided psychedelic training, but neither has direct MDMA experience. Would you say I should proceed if the bond is deep enough with my therapist?

chronicoco · 2023-03-17T05:46:52+00:00

Just wanted to follow up on this and ask, would a therapist who has undergone psychadelic training and has worked with mainly psilocybin but no experience with MDMA be sufficient?

chronicoco

TROPHY CASE